tingle

In a way, this COULD be an extremely trite journal entry. But, due to numerous previous events, a few specific previous events, and the intensity that I am feeling at the present moment, I am going to try my damndest NOT to make this a run-of-the-mill trite ass blog entry.

This weekend, I went to Myrtle Beach. There is something to be said about my company on the trip, but I'm not going to say it. Anyway, I went to Myrtle Beach, and had an awesome time visiting my friend, Alan. I learned probably more about Alan than ANYONE would ever want to know, but honestly, it made me appreciate him even more. It sucks that I just met him a few months ago, and he has already moved away. It's okay though, because it is definitely a reason to go to the beach!

Anyway, one of the many stories Alan told us, was about his very close friend, Steve, who was shot and killed last summer. Steve was our age, and it was an untimely death. I could sympathize due to the loss of Royster last March. Steve, in his death, has meant more to Alan and honestly me than he probably ever did in life. Alan has such a great spiritual life because of Steve and how he had to look to God in order to cope with his death. This story among others made the trip to Myrtle Beach so much more meaningful than just a weekend romp in a cool place.

Alan also introduced me to a truly amazing music group: Keane. The CD he let us listen to, "Hopes and Fears" is insanely "crucial" as Alan says. I can't even begin to explain the intensity of the mixture of music and lyrics. Ben Folds is incredibly talented when it comes to his piano playing and his comical but true matter-of-fact lyrics, and Anastacia just has an insanely powerful voice, but these guys in Keane... they know how to put it all together. The only way I can describe the music is with the title of this entry: tingle.

When I hear the songs (especially Steve's song, "Bedshaped") that is what happens. Tingling. Being a musician and someone who is highly familiar with the charming capabilities of music, I know that tingling to be movement. When you tingle when you hear a song, that is you being stirred by the music: moved. The only reason I am allowing the term "tingle" to be used when the word "moved" is probably more fitting and meaningful is because at the sound of the song, the anonymity known as my company on the trip said, "Everytime I hear that song, I tingle." It wasn't an incredibly astounding statement. I mean, I agree completely. It's just the fact that the song did the same thing to me... it made me "tingle." And it just made me think... we were on the same page...

Isn't music just incredible like that? Just when you think that someone may have no clue where you are coming from, they share the same emotional attachment to a song as you. In this particular case, just when you think that someone can't really have an emotional attachment to anything.

Well, now that I am back from the beach and Keane's lyrics have haunted me all day, I have also acquired the CD. I told myself regardless of the things I should really be spending my money on, I was going to get this CD if it was the last thing I did. Ironically, as I went to the CD store after school, I got a phone call from the anonymity known as my company on the trip: "Guess where I am? I am buying that CD. I'm at a music store downtown, and I think I'm getting the last one."

Ha.

I was at a music store... that ALSO had only ONE copy left. Right now, it is playing in the background.

Remember, what I said? Nothing trite about this entry. While it may just seem like once again, the lyrics of a song have hit me right to the core, the lyrics in this song stretch through my core, the anonymity's core, and Steve's core. This music truly defines the great gift of music, and all the other amazing things music entails.

This music makes you tingle.

death of the shoes

The shoes are gone.

You know what I hate? Wasting large portions of my life on one particular person... or in this case, footwear.

And I also hate looking back and thinking, "Damn. I went all googly-eyed over some damn K-Swiss."

The moral here: BUY your own damn shoes. Stay away from "free" K-Swiss shoes. And, be patient... shoes will go on sale... shoes will go out of style... eventually, the most perfect shoes will go on clearance and you will have just enough money to get them.

Honestly, though... I can't believe that now, I can't get the last 2 months of my life back. All over some damn K-Swiss...

"shoes": the finale

Hellifireallyknow if this is the finale. I just know that I am tired of these DAMN shoes. I know it's a friggin' roller coaster... I like the shoes... I hate the shoes... the shoes get on my nerves... I love the shoes... the shoes give me bunions...

Right now, I almost* wish the shoes were never in my life. I wish I didn't like the shoes. I wish that I could be content with some $1.99 BoBos... or barefoot. I hate the shoes. In fact, I hate ALL shoes. I hate the fact that people NEED shoes in order to live. Or do we really need shoes in order to live?

No. We don't.

And you know what? I prayed to God that He would take away my desire for my particular pair of shoes... and ALL shoes, frankly. I'm tired of wanting shoes just cause everyone else has some.

But like I said, I doubt this is TRULY the finale about the shoes. Tomorrow starts the beginning of a 3 day weekend... so I know the shoes will be somewhere around. They always show up when I am going out or something...

...but you know what... this IS the shoe finale. Because I am tired of talking about the shoes as "shoes."

Fuck it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm "sick and tired of always being sick and tired."

*some sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling... 3rd party intervention type thing is not letting me have much of any say in what I should LOGICALLY think and do. It is something that I am finding to be highly frustrating and burdensome, and as poetically beautiful as it could be, I wish it would leave me the hell alone and come back when it is ready to work itself all the way through. I wrote about this sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling 3rd party intervention type thing in the secret blog... so here's to more vagueness...

tomorrow's the day...

...that I dislike a lot.

I just figured I would document the eve of the day with what's going on in my head...

Okay, so I lied. There is too much going on to focus.

I will say this though... Alan did this tarot card reading thing with me on Friday night... and you should know that I am mos' def a Christian. However, those things always amaze me, because something about them is real... in some way or another.

The cards said a lot of stuff... among all the stuff, one thing it said was watch the structure of my house... So, apparently The Villa is in danger of falling down.

It also said that something big was about to happen in my life... and that someone isn't as they seem... hrmph. This is kinda what is plaguing me. As for the big thing happening, I am hoping it has something to do with my place of employment for next school year. As for the sketchy person... it could be one of a few people right now... this plagues me a lot, because I think I tend to trust people a little too much sometimes...

It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time I started listening to myself... like I encouraged Steven to do last night. How hypocritical of me...

...but seriously, I should start listening to myself a little better... I am my date for tomorrow...

more about the "shoes"

A quick update on the shoes...

Both Friday and Saturday night, I had an encounter with those shoes again... Both nights, I looked at them with adoration. I didn't put them on. I guess because I was getting used to the fact that they were there but pretty much useless since in my heart I knew it wasn't right to parade around in something that wasn't mine.

Oh, by the way, all last week, the shoe salesman harassed me as I walked by... smiling and waving like, "Hey, person with the shoes! How are they working out for you?! Do you like them? I bet that's awesome to have some new shoes. You wanna come see other shoes we carry like those?" That shoe guy, I tell you what... he's so confusing.

Well, today, I told myself, "So the shoes aren't yours. You HAVE to go to that raggedy shoe man and be like, 'Take the shoes back or take my money. I'm not going to keep these things if they aren't rightfully mine.'"

So, I did just that. Well... kinda. I went up to the shoe man and was like, "These shoes did not come from you, so you DON'T want money for them? Correct?" He was like, "Well... The shoes are from here... but they were free... a buy one get one free type thing. Someone bought the first pair and didn't want this second pair, so I figured you would like them. I saw you come around every few days looking at them, so I decided you should have them. The really are no charge. Is that okay?" I figured it was okay.

So I went home and took the shoes out and looked at them once again... I thought to myself, "So I got some free shoes... But that is really kinda weird that the shoe guy just gave me someone else's shoes. LOL. It works though. They are mine, but they were actually someone else's... the shoes were a regift." ( I had to put my own label on the shoes... not mine, not someone else's, not the shoe guy's... but a regift)

So, will we be seeing more of the shoes? I dunno. I think it's too early to tell... I don't want to get them dirty or anything...

"shoes"

So very sorry to have bored you with my last few entries... I think Freddie said it best when he labled it "shitacular." I love that word. And honestly, he called it exactly what it was... shitacular.

My predicament hasn't gotten worlds better or anything, I'm just tired of wallowing in it. It's confusing, and frustrating... and as Steven would say, "hella" crazy. Frankly, I'm tired of hella craziness.

So this entry is meant, if anything, to make fun of the situation...

Let's say that I saw something in the store that I wanted... a pair of really hot shoes. I saw them back in like early December... maybe even November. But, stupid me, I was too much of a pansy to spend a little extra money to buy them. So I walked past the shoe store once a week, oogling the shoes, wishing there was some way to let someone know that I liked them... 'cause maybe I could get them for Christmas.

Well, Christmas came and went... no shoes. However, on New Years, the shoes magically appeared on my front doorstep. I mean, it was so bizarre, that for a while, I didn't know what to do. I let them just sit there on my doorstep, as I came and left.

Eventually, I picked them up and brought them inside. But I told myself, I shouldn't wear them unless I find out who gave them to me and/or I pay for them, so I just put them in my closet.

Well, about a week after New Years, I sat there staring at them. I couldn't help it. I put a shoe on... not both, just one. It felt good, but not right. So, I took it off and sat the shoes out in front of my bed... in plain sight. I didn't wear them.... I just looked at them.

Well, a week later, I went to try the shoes again... but even though I was ready for them, I couldn't find them. It's like they vanished. I was pissed... until I found them the next day...

...when I put them on. I put them on all the way. SO COMFORTABLE. I couldn't stand it almost. At that point, I was sold on the shoes. I was willing to pay for them without truly knowing their origin. So I went to go and pay for them... but then, when I went to the shoe store, I found out that the shoe salesman didn't want my money. He was like, "Yes, we sell those shoes, but you don't need to pay for them. In fact, I don't even know if they were bought from this store."

At this... I was so distressed... I am not the type of person to wear shoes that don't RIGHTFULLY belong to me. And also, the nerve of that shoe salesman! Who wouldn't take money, even when they didn't deserve it... then again, I wasn't willing to take the shoes even though I didn't deserve them.

I sulked for about 2 weeks. I would look at the shoes every once in a while, but I would hiss at them, spit at them, roll my eyes when I saw them... you know, stupid stuff that you really wouldn't do to inanimate objects. LOL.

Well, last weekend, I decided to take the shoes out again. I sat there staring at them for a while and thought to myself, forget it... they are free shoes... you don't have to wear them... just realize you have some shoes... and you don't really know where they came from. So, I was all cool with the shoes...

And I was all happy... getting ready to go out... all giddy, listening to some pre-party music... and even partaking in some pre-party beverages... well... I accidentally put the shoes on--both of them. And I wore them ALL NIGHT.

When I got home and realized what I did, I was actually okay with it. I kinda felt okay with it. The shoes were comfy... and I didn't mess them up or anything. No one accused me of stealing or being ungrateful or anything... so, for a while, I was just like, "Yay. Shoes." Now, I'm kinda wanting to wear the shoes... but I'm beginning to want to pay for them again. And every so often, when I pass by the shoe store, the salesman smiles and waves like he knows I'm that weird guy who wanted to pay for the shoes... maybe he realizes he was a jerk for not taking the money in the first place???

I dunno.

Now I stand here with the shoes... just sitting around. And after typing all this, part of me thinks that I should just get rid of the shoes. I won't really be losing anything, 'cause it's not like I did anything to get the shoes. The only thing is... I didn't mention that I don't have any other shoes...

So yeah... shoes. Go figure. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Nick doesn't like the shoes? LOL...