These would probably be the words you'd see in some college freshman's blog around the first week of the fall semester. But no. These words are mine... a 21 year old college senior graduating in approximately 45 days. Spring break has given me the freedom that has been so long gone these past couple of months... Staying up late... taking long naps even when I'm not tired, sleeping 'til noon, driving around Clemson aimlessly (but not too much... gas is too high for that mess)... I LOVE IT. I simply adore college... the freedom... the people... the atmosphere...
And to top it off, this week's weather is fantastic! Today I hung out with Miriam and we enjoyed each other's company under the clear blue Carolina skies in the fresh Clemson sunshine. I mean, it is pure heaven.
Miriam spent the night over here last night along with KKPsi Chapter Field Representative, Adam Cantley... cool bitch, that Adam Cantley... He travels all over the nation to hobnob with the musical elite (yes... that is KKPsi bruhs, scalawags). I think the entire chapter enjoyed his company... Honestly... that is one thing I truly love about KKPsi... the fact that it has allowed me to meet people from all over the nation... it's incredible. It makes the country seem so much smaller... even though it is still red and republican...
ANYWAYS... It's Tuesday, and the week is starting to pick up speed and go by a little too quickly. Tomorrow is hump day. And I am so not ready for it. It just makes me sad. I did grade 2nd period's speed drills today... I don't even want to start on their Unit Tests... UGH. I'm gonna gave a cow.
And in other news, I haven't seen Nick in about 36 hours... and Miriam and I wrote a bad ass song today. My room is fairly clean, and Hoke better get well so we can party it up tonight. Oh yeah... and I'm broke...
Oh yes... spring break... just makes some things in life unneccessary and unimportant.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
spring break '05 has arrived!
This is uber exciting. Why? Let me count the ways...
1. I GET TO SPEND 10 DAYS WITHOUT CHILDREN (and just in time too, 'cause yesterday, 2nd period about made me have a stroke)!!!
2. MY spring break, along with the other student teachers, is LONGER than all the cool college kids who have been on spring break this week. HAHA!
3. Like Kalani always says, it's more fun to do the things that everyone does when no one else is doing them. So, it will be fun to be able to go out EVERY night next week when everyone else has classes and stuff!
4. Our spring break is later in the year (LOL... one week later), so it is MORE spring than everyone elses!
(in case you haven't figured out, I'm trying to psych myself into thinking that even though the majority of my friends will not have the free time I will next week, my spring break will be fun... I am quite uncertain though)
Anyway, I do have some stuff to do during the break... Grade speed drills and tests that my classes took yesterday... I do believe that they did better on these than the ones from my unit. But, in full time teaching, I have learned that I can only do so much as the teacher. Honestly, the grade is really left up to the student. Some of my students... just... UGH! They made me so mad yesterday... like to the point of almost crying (I didn't though... there is no way I can let a bunch of little ankle biting, over hormonal nine year olds make me weep). They were taking an effing test! And they were like, "What is 12 times 4? Will you help me with this one? I don't get it? How do you do it? I don't understand?" AFTER I GAVE THEM CHANCE UPON CHANCE UPON CHANCE TO ASK WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO ASK! Before we even started the test I told them, "Okay, you have 5 minutes to ask whatever you want." While some students asked questions, others just played around and talked to whoever... these were the students that got mad at me because I wouldn't help them on their test. Even IF they had been listening, I wouldn't help them on their test. IT IS A TEST!!! Normally, I give them a little pattern block piece to turn in if they do have a question on the test. That stops after yesterday. I even gave them 2 yesterday, because I thought the test was too long. It really wasn't though... and they didn't deserve those 2 free questions. From here on out, a test means just that: that it is testing how much you listened to the teacher. Ugh, they made me so mad.
ANYWAYS... I have had the apartment to myself all week. It's been weird, yet refreshing. The funny thing is that from when I got home to when I left the next morning, I didn't speak. So like the first time I spoke the next day, it had been like 10 to 12 hours since I had said anything... lol. It was weird. I am ready for my roomies to return though. But I have had a pleasant and semi-relaxing week... if not at school, definitely at home.
I also spent a lot of time with my ed major friends... In particular, Ellen, Sarah, and Kalani. All three really awesome girls. Kalani has been so awesome though. We see eye to eye on a lot of things, and I really enjoy her company.
Well, I get to spend time with the lovely Kate Moon today... and I am SO excited. I feel like I haven't hung out with her in FOREVER. Ever since the bitch became Miss Clemson 2005, she has had no time for me... ol' skeeza! Hehe... I'm taking her to Psi formal though... and 2 weeks from tomorrow, I get to take the equally fabulous Katie Reaves to Theta formal! Yes... formals do make the spring time wonderful... even if I am not the "typical" college student...
OMG!!! DORA THE EXPLORER IS ON! I haven't watched this since this past summer!!!
(I'm such a big kid... hence my appreciation of my ungrateful and unstudious 4th graders... love the little punks)
1. I GET TO SPEND 10 DAYS WITHOUT CHILDREN (and just in time too, 'cause yesterday, 2nd period about made me have a stroke)!!!
2. MY spring break, along with the other student teachers, is LONGER than all the cool college kids who have been on spring break this week. HAHA!
3. Like Kalani always says, it's more fun to do the things that everyone does when no one else is doing them. So, it will be fun to be able to go out EVERY night next week when everyone else has classes and stuff!
4. Our spring break is later in the year (LOL... one week later), so it is MORE spring than everyone elses!
(in case you haven't figured out, I'm trying to psych myself into thinking that even though the majority of my friends will not have the free time I will next week, my spring break will be fun... I am quite uncertain though)
Anyway, I do have some stuff to do during the break... Grade speed drills and tests that my classes took yesterday... I do believe that they did better on these than the ones from my unit. But, in full time teaching, I have learned that I can only do so much as the teacher. Honestly, the grade is really left up to the student. Some of my students... just... UGH! They made me so mad yesterday... like to the point of almost crying (I didn't though... there is no way I can let a bunch of little ankle biting, over hormonal nine year olds make me weep). They were taking an effing test! And they were like, "What is 12 times 4? Will you help me with this one? I don't get it? How do you do it? I don't understand?" AFTER I GAVE THEM CHANCE UPON CHANCE UPON CHANCE TO ASK WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO ASK! Before we even started the test I told them, "Okay, you have 5 minutes to ask whatever you want." While some students asked questions, others just played around and talked to whoever... these were the students that got mad at me because I wouldn't help them on their test. Even IF they had been listening, I wouldn't help them on their test. IT IS A TEST!!! Normally, I give them a little pattern block piece to turn in if they do have a question on the test. That stops after yesterday. I even gave them 2 yesterday, because I thought the test was too long. It really wasn't though... and they didn't deserve those 2 free questions. From here on out, a test means just that: that it is testing how much you listened to the teacher. Ugh, they made me so mad.
ANYWAYS... I have had the apartment to myself all week. It's been weird, yet refreshing. The funny thing is that from when I got home to when I left the next morning, I didn't speak. So like the first time I spoke the next day, it had been like 10 to 12 hours since I had said anything... lol. It was weird. I am ready for my roomies to return though. But I have had a pleasant and semi-relaxing week... if not at school, definitely at home.
I also spent a lot of time with my ed major friends... In particular, Ellen, Sarah, and Kalani. All three really awesome girls. Kalani has been so awesome though. We see eye to eye on a lot of things, and I really enjoy her company.
Well, I get to spend time with the lovely Kate Moon today... and I am SO excited. I feel like I haven't hung out with her in FOREVER. Ever since the bitch became Miss Clemson 2005, she has had no time for me... ol' skeeza! Hehe... I'm taking her to Psi formal though... and 2 weeks from tomorrow, I get to take the equally fabulous Katie Reaves to Theta formal! Yes... formals do make the spring time wonderful... even if I am not the "typical" college student...
OMG!!! DORA THE EXPLORER IS ON! I haven't watched this since this past summer!!!
(I'm such a big kid... hence my appreciation of my ungrateful and unstudious 4th graders... love the little punks)
Sunday, March 20, 2005
welcome life
This blog entry is dedicated to the memory of my brother in Alpha Phi Omega, Robert Benjamin Royster.
"Royster" died Thursday, March 17 in a car accident on I-85 on his way to pick up a friend in Charlotte, North Carolina.
His death is the first sudden death of a friend my age that I have ever had to deal with. In dealing with this, I have been completely and utterly torn up by the whole situation.
I may appear okay, and at some times, I may even appear nonchalant or empathetic. This is hardly the case. Strangely, the whole thing has yet to fully sink in with me.
I heard the news as I was sitting in TD's Thursday night with Kalani and Sarah venting about our experiences in the classroom when I saw Joe, one of my other APO brothers... I gave him the usual, "Hey, what's up?" accompanied by the high five/handshake thing. Then he said, "Have you heard the news?" Well, when someone says this and doesn't say "the bad news," I immediately think something great has happened. That wasn't the case...
"Royster died today."
Honestly, I took him as kidding. I mean, Royster was young, healthy, a good guy, he would be the last person on earth that I would have expected to die. So I said, "You're kidding, right?"
"No. I wish I was."
And you know... it didn't even fully hit me then. Nor did it hit me when I went to the APO lounge and saw all my brothers crying and all the people who had been touched in some way by Royster. Really, I am just realizing it now... reliving the whole thing.
Who at age 20, just weeks away from turning 21, who is healthy, intelligent, friendly, and fun loving just... DIES? It's something that is so difficult for me to understand. And the other thing... out of the hundreds of times that we drive in our cars on I-85, why that time did it have to be fatal for him? I mean, these questions... I can't understand. And this leads me to another question... If death is so "fair," meaning that any and everyone is succeptible to it at any given point of time, why did it have to choose him? Why not someone else? Why not me?
I just don't get it. Just weeks ago, he was playing his trumpet in pep band... just weeks ago, he was giving a service report to the chapter... just weeks ago, he was in my apartment just hanging out and having a good time... and the thing that blows my mind is that NO ONE in the world knew that on March 17, he would cease to exist. It was so abrupt. We couldn't plan on it. I mean, as terrible as it sounds, I wish that there was a way that he could have warned us, you know? Like, "Hey guys, after March 17, I'm not gonna be around anymore." It was so quick. It's like, he went somewhere, and has just decided to never come back... it's easier to look at it that way, because that is a more likely situation... who would have expected him to just DIE?
I don't know... I mean, I honestly don't. For the past 3 days, I have been pinching my self... kinda saying, this can't be true... thinking of the situation and telling myself, maybe there is some way that Royster is still alive. I mean, he just can't be gone.
The accident apparently resulted in the car catching on fire and burning Royster's body so badly that they couldn't recognize him... the only way they knew it was him is because of his ID which was found near the site. So, I look at this and say to myself, maybe he got out alive... maybe he is wandering around Cherokee County in a state of shock from the accident...
...I wanna believe these theories, but it's not likely.
So, in conceding the the fact that Royster is no longer physically here, I have come to learn many many things. First of all, driving fast is not safe... it's fatal. On Royster's thefacebook profile, one of his interests was driving fast. One of his favorite movies was Gone in 60 Seconds. The boy liked speed... and ultimately, going 85 in a 65 was his fatal flaw. I cannot let his death have been in vain. If anything has happened from his death, it has made me a more aware and cautious driver. Also, I have learned to appreciate EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON in my life. EVERYONE. From the douchebags, to my best friends. We are all here on this earth together, and we are all succeptible to the same tragedy that has befallen Royster. Life is not guaranteed, by ANY means. We can truly be here one day and gone the next... and right now, it is hard to even look forward because I am in fear of my life and my friends' just because of this accident. But I know that everything is in God's hands... and in times like these and all the time, faith is what should help us keep going and keep us from worrying about our fate.
Lastly, I have learned to welcome life. This statement was said several times by one of the grief counselors that was in the lounge on Thursday night. We went through this intense exercise where we meditated on the memory of Royster and tried to come to a stable place about his death. She kept saying, "Welcome life" when we would take deep breaths in. You know... we take our breath for granted. We truly do. It is life, and it keeps us living... plain and simple. Royster, rest his soul, doesn't have the privilege of breath right now. And for us to take advantage of the life that we have is showing that his death--the death of someone so similar to me and all my peers--is insignificant. It could have been anyone. But it was him... it wasn't me. It wasn't anyone in my family. But it was a significant life.
Please... on behalf of Royster... welcome life.
"Royster" died Thursday, March 17 in a car accident on I-85 on his way to pick up a friend in Charlotte, North Carolina.
His death is the first sudden death of a friend my age that I have ever had to deal with. In dealing with this, I have been completely and utterly torn up by the whole situation.
I may appear okay, and at some times, I may even appear nonchalant or empathetic. This is hardly the case. Strangely, the whole thing has yet to fully sink in with me.
I heard the news as I was sitting in TD's Thursday night with Kalani and Sarah venting about our experiences in the classroom when I saw Joe, one of my other APO brothers... I gave him the usual, "Hey, what's up?" accompanied by the high five/handshake thing. Then he said, "Have you heard the news?" Well, when someone says this and doesn't say "the bad news," I immediately think something great has happened. That wasn't the case...
"Royster died today."
Honestly, I took him as kidding. I mean, Royster was young, healthy, a good guy, he would be the last person on earth that I would have expected to die. So I said, "You're kidding, right?"
"No. I wish I was."
And you know... it didn't even fully hit me then. Nor did it hit me when I went to the APO lounge and saw all my brothers crying and all the people who had been touched in some way by Royster. Really, I am just realizing it now... reliving the whole thing.
Who at age 20, just weeks away from turning 21, who is healthy, intelligent, friendly, and fun loving just... DIES? It's something that is so difficult for me to understand. And the other thing... out of the hundreds of times that we drive in our cars on I-85, why that time did it have to be fatal for him? I mean, these questions... I can't understand. And this leads me to another question... If death is so "fair," meaning that any and everyone is succeptible to it at any given point of time, why did it have to choose him? Why not someone else? Why not me?
I just don't get it. Just weeks ago, he was playing his trumpet in pep band... just weeks ago, he was giving a service report to the chapter... just weeks ago, he was in my apartment just hanging out and having a good time... and the thing that blows my mind is that NO ONE in the world knew that on March 17, he would cease to exist. It was so abrupt. We couldn't plan on it. I mean, as terrible as it sounds, I wish that there was a way that he could have warned us, you know? Like, "Hey guys, after March 17, I'm not gonna be around anymore." It was so quick. It's like, he went somewhere, and has just decided to never come back... it's easier to look at it that way, because that is a more likely situation... who would have expected him to just DIE?
I don't know... I mean, I honestly don't. For the past 3 days, I have been pinching my self... kinda saying, this can't be true... thinking of the situation and telling myself, maybe there is some way that Royster is still alive. I mean, he just can't be gone.
The accident apparently resulted in the car catching on fire and burning Royster's body so badly that they couldn't recognize him... the only way they knew it was him is because of his ID which was found near the site. So, I look at this and say to myself, maybe he got out alive... maybe he is wandering around Cherokee County in a state of shock from the accident...
...I wanna believe these theories, but it's not likely.
So, in conceding the the fact that Royster is no longer physically here, I have come to learn many many things. First of all, driving fast is not safe... it's fatal. On Royster's thefacebook profile, one of his interests was driving fast. One of his favorite movies was Gone in 60 Seconds. The boy liked speed... and ultimately, going 85 in a 65 was his fatal flaw. I cannot let his death have been in vain. If anything has happened from his death, it has made me a more aware and cautious driver. Also, I have learned to appreciate EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON in my life. EVERYONE. From the douchebags, to my best friends. We are all here on this earth together, and we are all succeptible to the same tragedy that has befallen Royster. Life is not guaranteed, by ANY means. We can truly be here one day and gone the next... and right now, it is hard to even look forward because I am in fear of my life and my friends' just because of this accident. But I know that everything is in God's hands... and in times like these and all the time, faith is what should help us keep going and keep us from worrying about our fate.
Lastly, I have learned to welcome life. This statement was said several times by one of the grief counselors that was in the lounge on Thursday night. We went through this intense exercise where we meditated on the memory of Royster and tried to come to a stable place about his death. She kept saying, "Welcome life" when we would take deep breaths in. You know... we take our breath for granted. We truly do. It is life, and it keeps us living... plain and simple. Royster, rest his soul, doesn't have the privilege of breath right now. And for us to take advantage of the life that we have is showing that his death--the death of someone so similar to me and all my peers--is insignificant. It could have been anyone. But it was him... it wasn't me. It wasn't anyone in my family. But it was a significant life.
Please... on behalf of Royster... welcome life.
Robert Benjamin Royster
April 26, 1984 - March 17, 2005
"A Leader, A Friend, A Servant"
"A Leader, A Friend, A Servant"
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
can you keep up?
No.
LOL. Oh, Destiny's Child... I didn't know you were talking about me when you sang, "Lose My Breath." Unfortunately, I have not been doing well with the bloggity blog blog... The likes of Hoke Smith Heezy the Threezy and J-Skeezy are creepin' up on my sh*t! LOL. Glad to see y'all back in the blog game, Hoke and Jenee. For a while, my blog was the most fabulous thing on the block. J/K
I have been pretty tragic lately... regarding to the lack of entries and the content of entries... my bad. LOL. It's bound to get better. Next week marks the decent of student teaching. I have climaxed to my full 2 weeks, and starting next week, I will give things back to Mrs. Stephens. Ha... I'm actually excited. It's been fun, but days like today, when several little knuckleheads decided to be a royal pain in the rear makes me look forward to the forthcoming days of April that will bring Springtime and not so much ME in front of the class.
That leads me to the big news... I have decided to continue my education and go to grad school here at Clemson. I will be putting off getting a job for a little while. I have decided this for several reasons... Just recently, I have decided there are some loose ends I need to tie up here in college. I'm not ready to go. I haven't completely grown up yet. And besides... I didn't go on a bowl trip this past year... DANG! I deserve a full paid band trip to an exotic place with lots of per diem before I leave this joint. Also, there are lots of other things that I haven't done appropriately and things I just haven't done at all that I need to do before I leave. I need to be nicer as a whole (like I was my freshman and sophomore years) and discover a life outside of KKPsi. I know that second thing sounds bad, but I have striven for the highest... and on May 13, I will reach that high and bright shining star in the sky as I walk across the stage to get my diploma....
When I come back for grad school, I plan on devoting time to my second fraternity, which I just joined in the fall... Alpha Phi Omega. I feel that student teaching this semester has taken me a little away from it... as well as KKPsi... however, I have looked at this as my last year of many in Psi, so I am trying to be as active as possible... yet and still, it's not enough to a lot of the brothers... go figure. No one can really understand another's situation until they have lived it, so I can't hold that against them.
Speaking of my dear Psi brothers... I just got back from having dinner with one of them. I went to eat with Abe. We had issues to deal with... and after that, I have learned SO much about him, and come to appreciate him as the great brother that he is that I have been do blind and shallow to see. Creating a good relationship with him is one of the things that I plan on doing next year that I didn't get to do these first 3 years he has been here... and that has been all my fault. I want to apologize to Abe in front of God and the entire internet community. I was an asshole... plain and simple. I respect you so much Abe, and I am simply glad that you have not been as douchy as I have been to you.
I belive that's it for now... MAP testing tomorrow, so no testing... it's 8:30 and I have nothing to do and nothing to prepare for? Shall I look for some trouble??? Hmmm???
LOL. Oh, Destiny's Child... I didn't know you were talking about me when you sang, "Lose My Breath." Unfortunately, I have not been doing well with the bloggity blog blog... The likes of Hoke Smith Heezy the Threezy and J-Skeezy are creepin' up on my sh*t! LOL. Glad to see y'all back in the blog game, Hoke and Jenee. For a while, my blog was the most fabulous thing on the block. J/K
I have been pretty tragic lately... regarding to the lack of entries and the content of entries... my bad. LOL. It's bound to get better. Next week marks the decent of student teaching. I have climaxed to my full 2 weeks, and starting next week, I will give things back to Mrs. Stephens. Ha... I'm actually excited. It's been fun, but days like today, when several little knuckleheads decided to be a royal pain in the rear makes me look forward to the forthcoming days of April that will bring Springtime and not so much ME in front of the class.
That leads me to the big news... I have decided to continue my education and go to grad school here at Clemson. I will be putting off getting a job for a little while. I have decided this for several reasons... Just recently, I have decided there are some loose ends I need to tie up here in college. I'm not ready to go. I haven't completely grown up yet. And besides... I didn't go on a bowl trip this past year... DANG! I deserve a full paid band trip to an exotic place with lots of per diem before I leave this joint. Also, there are lots of other things that I haven't done appropriately and things I just haven't done at all that I need to do before I leave. I need to be nicer as a whole (like I was my freshman and sophomore years) and discover a life outside of KKPsi. I know that second thing sounds bad, but I have striven for the highest... and on May 13, I will reach that high and bright shining star in the sky as I walk across the stage to get my diploma....
When I come back for grad school, I plan on devoting time to my second fraternity, which I just joined in the fall... Alpha Phi Omega. I feel that student teaching this semester has taken me a little away from it... as well as KKPsi... however, I have looked at this as my last year of many in Psi, so I am trying to be as active as possible... yet and still, it's not enough to a lot of the brothers... go figure. No one can really understand another's situation until they have lived it, so I can't hold that against them.
Speaking of my dear Psi brothers... I just got back from having dinner with one of them. I went to eat with Abe. We had issues to deal with... and after that, I have learned SO much about him, and come to appreciate him as the great brother that he is that I have been do blind and shallow to see. Creating a good relationship with him is one of the things that I plan on doing next year that I didn't get to do these first 3 years he has been here... and that has been all my fault. I want to apologize to Abe in front of God and the entire internet community. I was an asshole... plain and simple. I respect you so much Abe, and I am simply glad that you have not been as douchy as I have been to you.
I belive that's it for now... MAP testing tomorrow, so no testing... it's 8:30 and I have nothing to do and nothing to prepare for? Shall I look for some trouble??? Hmmm???
Thursday, March 10, 2005
song of the moment...
I don't normally do this... but... song of the moment... a close second to Barren Land.
From the independent film, Camp.
From the independent film, Camp.
Here in the dark
I stand before you
Knowing this is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start
This is the start
I have so much to say and I'm hopin'
That your arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me
Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am, I'm what you see
You said I had to change and I was tryin'
But my heart was lyin'
I'm not a child any longer
I am stronger
Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Help me to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm movin' now
In this life we've come so far
But we're only who we are
With the courage of love
To show us the way
We've got the power to stand up and say
Here's where I stand
Here's where I am
Stand up and be counted, I'm counting on you
If you're with me
We'll make it through
Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
Here's where I stand
Baby, baby, baby I'm counting on you
Here's where I stand
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
I'm counting
I'm counting
I'm counting, I'm counting on you
Sunday, March 06, 2005
barrenness, part ii...
...TARIK.
The bitch was the biggest cock blocker ever last night. It's okay. I kinda expected it... But then again, that doesn't exactly make it okay. Oh well. Whatever...
So. besides a land with no fields and fruit that grow, there is now a road that runs through this barren land with a fork... One road leads to graduate school, and the other road leads to work. Just another bit of stress to add to this barrenness. It would help maybe if down one road I could see lush fields of overflow... but alas... no.
I have people coming at me from TONS of different directions. I've got tons of people telling me to go work... that if I wait 'til after grad school, I won't get a job as easily. I have people telling me that in the situation that I am in now, I will get a job with the quickness. I have people even telling me that it is a possibilty that I can get a job at Code.
Well, that's all well and good, but recently at Code, a racist bitch has been bothering my spirit. No, this is not speculation, or just irrational inference. The bitch is racist... and I really makes me uncomfortable... No, I'm not scared of her... frankly, everything about me is better than her. She's not even 30 and graying already... tragedy. But anyway, she is at the school like everyday... and not even a teacher. But she makes my life suck. But that's okay... these next 2 weeks at Code, it's MY classroom COMPLETELY. That bitch better not expect to get anything over on me.
But besides that, there are other reasons that I don't want to stay in the classroom after student teaching... Grad school now would be free... I'd get one more year with a lot of my friends... when I get done with grad school, I'll be worth so much more.
I dunno. I don't like having to make life altering decisions...
...but the mere fact that I get to choose between a job and practically free grad school means I'm better than a lot of people. At least I don't have to choose between going home to mooch off of my parents with no job or going to work at a store in the mall as a salesperson after 4 years of majoring in something completely unrelated.
...hmm. I guess that is a little bit of "life and fruit and fields that grow" right there...
The bitch was the biggest cock blocker ever last night. It's okay. I kinda expected it... But then again, that doesn't exactly make it okay. Oh well. Whatever...
So. besides a land with no fields and fruit that grow, there is now a road that runs through this barren land with a fork... One road leads to graduate school, and the other road leads to work. Just another bit of stress to add to this barrenness. It would help maybe if down one road I could see lush fields of overflow... but alas... no.
I have people coming at me from TONS of different directions. I've got tons of people telling me to go work... that if I wait 'til after grad school, I won't get a job as easily. I have people telling me that in the situation that I am in now, I will get a job with the quickness. I have people even telling me that it is a possibilty that I can get a job at Code.
Well, that's all well and good, but recently at Code, a racist bitch has been bothering my spirit. No, this is not speculation, or just irrational inference. The bitch is racist... and I really makes me uncomfortable... No, I'm not scared of her... frankly, everything about me is better than her. She's not even 30 and graying already... tragedy. But anyway, she is at the school like everyday... and not even a teacher. But she makes my life suck. But that's okay... these next 2 weeks at Code, it's MY classroom COMPLETELY. That bitch better not expect to get anything over on me.
But besides that, there are other reasons that I don't want to stay in the classroom after student teaching... Grad school now would be free... I'd get one more year with a lot of my friends... when I get done with grad school, I'll be worth so much more.
I dunno. I don't like having to make life altering decisions...
...but the mere fact that I get to choose between a job and practically free grad school means I'm better than a lot of people. At least I don't have to choose between going home to mooch off of my parents with no job or going to work at a store in the mall as a salesperson after 4 years of majoring in something completely unrelated.
...hmm. I guess that is a little bit of "life and fruit and fields that grow" right there...
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
barrenness
It would seem to just about any person that keeps up with this blog (which has tragically become something to fill the time when I am not sleeping or doing something for school) that I tend to go through catch phrases. Some of them are (in random order):
It shall come to pass...
I rule.
If I were like thee, I'd throw away myself.
To him that o'ercometh...
I've been waiting on my own too long.
Isn't it obvious?
Don't change your plans for anyone.
Where there is faith...
...yadda yadda yadda.
All of these but 2 are song lyrics. This rut that I'm in right now is no different from any other. Once again, there is a song that has been speaking to me. This song really works for this particular situation. Sadly enough, whenever it's melody is in my mind or words are on my lips, I tend to get a little emotional.
The song is Barren Land by Shane Barnard and Shane Everett. It's pretty much in my mind whenever I'm not at school or doing something productive... which means that from about 4 pm until 7:30 am the next morning, it is haunting my spirit. Thankfully, it is a song of hope... and in it, I find hope. It starts out "Barren land can overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow." Then, as like a resolve to the opening statement, at the end of the chorus, it says "And barren land WILL overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow."
To these precious lyrics, I simply say, "please overflow." It's like I am the barren land... a land that for so long has been void of any life or prosper... for so long, there has been no rain, or hardly even hope for it. The song also says, "But if for rain to fall irresistably call... But if for rain to heal uncontrollably fill..."
I try to tell myself that rain is coming. But I don't really know. Most of the time, I have pretty strong faith, you know... but, this time, I'm kinda in the dark... or in the draught, in terms of this song. I know that the song says "barren land WILL overflow," but all I can do is hope that it will.
So often, I really feel alone. Like REALLY alone. Yes, I have lots of friends... and several close friends... maybe about 4 best friends. But sometimes, when I'm driving back from a meeting, or just alone by myself and I'm like, I need to talk to someone... there is NO ONE that I can think of that I really want to go to about EVERYTHING. I kinda feel like I'm gonna get judged regardless.
But I mean, I guess why the blog is here... and Shane and Shane produced that wonderful ballad. It's how you live in barrenness, I suppose.
It shall come to pass...
I rule.
If I were like thee, I'd throw away myself.
To him that o'ercometh...
I've been waiting on my own too long.
Isn't it obvious?
Don't change your plans for anyone.
Where there is faith...
...yadda yadda yadda.
All of these but 2 are song lyrics. This rut that I'm in right now is no different from any other. Once again, there is a song that has been speaking to me. This song really works for this particular situation. Sadly enough, whenever it's melody is in my mind or words are on my lips, I tend to get a little emotional.
The song is Barren Land by Shane Barnard and Shane Everett. It's pretty much in my mind whenever I'm not at school or doing something productive... which means that from about 4 pm until 7:30 am the next morning, it is haunting my spirit. Thankfully, it is a song of hope... and in it, I find hope. It starts out "Barren land can overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow." Then, as like a resolve to the opening statement, at the end of the chorus, it says "And barren land WILL overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow."
To these precious lyrics, I simply say, "please overflow." It's like I am the barren land... a land that for so long has been void of any life or prosper... for so long, there has been no rain, or hardly even hope for it. The song also says, "But if for rain to fall irresistably call... But if for rain to heal uncontrollably fill..."
I try to tell myself that rain is coming. But I don't really know. Most of the time, I have pretty strong faith, you know... but, this time, I'm kinda in the dark... or in the draught, in terms of this song. I know that the song says "barren land WILL overflow," but all I can do is hope that it will.
So often, I really feel alone. Like REALLY alone. Yes, I have lots of friends... and several close friends... maybe about 4 best friends. But sometimes, when I'm driving back from a meeting, or just alone by myself and I'm like, I need to talk to someone... there is NO ONE that I can think of that I really want to go to about EVERYTHING. I kinda feel like I'm gonna get judged regardless.
But I mean, I guess why the blog is here... and Shane and Shane produced that wonderful ballad. It's how you live in barrenness, I suppose.
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