Halloween is NOT tonight. It's actually on Tuesday. But, since that is a work/school night, and tonight is also the night we set the clocks back, people are going to be celebrating this pseudo-holiday this evening. I am writing before to make some "inferences," if you will. That is what we are talking about in Reading right now at school, so I think I am going to practice, so I can tell my kids that even I inferred this weekend.
Well, inferences start with facts, and then, based on one's own experiences, an inference can be made. So, here goes...
Fact: Adults do not normally get the chance to dress up.
My own experience: If I had the opportunity to dress up without appearing "weird," I would (but I'm not going to).
INFERENCE: The adults are going to be dressed up like woah tonight.
Fact: Adults can drink legally.
My own experience: Any special occasion/holiday is even more reason to drink.
INFERENCE: The adults are going to be insanely intoxicated tonight.
Fact: Daylight Savings Time ends tonight.
My own experience: Because of the extra hour, Daylight Savings Time is time to stay up and do things that you normally wouldn't have the time to do.
INFERENCE: The adults are going to stay up and act a fool tonight.
See... this is what I think is going to happen tonight. Drunk, crazed individuals, staying up way past normal hours. Amusing, prolly... I'll let y'all know...
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
been almost a month...
...and I suck, I know.
With school (teaching it and taking classes), it's just been really crazy. Every chance I get, I take it easy... lounging on the couch... vegging around. It's great... when I get the chance.
I nap/lounge just about every evening when I am free from the hustle and bustle of the day, but it seems like I always wake up tired.
It's all good though, because 4th grade this year is almost perfect. Okay, it really isn't... but today, I realized that it is a lot better than I realized. One of my most difficult students to deal with withdrew... and I hate to say it, but I am kinda glad. Geez... he wasn't "bad," just really needy in the sense that he would be all up in my personal space asking questions that the other kids could either figure out on their own, or they just didn't think were pressing enough.
So, now I have 18 students... with one named Derrick being the most difficult. He's not horrible... just a CLOWN. But you know, as a whole, I LOVE this bunch of kids. They really love me too, which is the cool thing. The difference between these and my class from last year is that last year, there was so much hatred amongst them... and they were pretty far from being children. They were so grown... This year, I have kids... that play make-believe and run around being silly... not dramatic. It's nice... and good.
As for grad school, I am loving that too. I just got done with Educational Leadership this week... with another A, mind you. Yep. I am currently holding a 3.9 in grad school... and honestly loving it. The last class has also opened my eyes to a new career direction. I know I used to say that I wasn't interested... but my interest has definitely been peaked. I think I want to go into administration... being an assistant principal, to be exact. I couldn't do the principal thing. No. We'll see...
As for other things, AMAZINGLY and PERFECTLY HAPPY and CONTENT being SINGLE...
::hold on... what the hell does Carrie Bradshaw have on? I'm watching Sex and the City, and this heifa has on 3 toned tights a big ugly 80s sweater and a completely random blue bandana.::
Anyway, yeah... single. It's nice... 'cause I don't have to be accessible if I don't wanna be. And no, I still don't have an exorbitant amount of friends, which I am dealing with, but I have made what seems to be a really great friend, who is also a Clemson Alum (by the way, Clemson is so just perfect right now... GO TIGERS!), and there's always Steven. We went out to Downtown Alive last weekend... and had a SUPER time... so super, in fact, that I overdrafted on my bank account (which I honestly did... no fraud committed this time). Yeah, so good bank breaking time.
Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of school for the week... even though I have professional development on Friday... at least Friday is payday, and I won't be in the red anymore. w00t for that.
Good times.
With school (teaching it and taking classes), it's just been really crazy. Every chance I get, I take it easy... lounging on the couch... vegging around. It's great... when I get the chance.
I nap/lounge just about every evening when I am free from the hustle and bustle of the day, but it seems like I always wake up tired.
It's all good though, because 4th grade this year is almost perfect. Okay, it really isn't... but today, I realized that it is a lot better than I realized. One of my most difficult students to deal with withdrew... and I hate to say it, but I am kinda glad. Geez... he wasn't "bad," just really needy in the sense that he would be all up in my personal space asking questions that the other kids could either figure out on their own, or they just didn't think were pressing enough.
So, now I have 18 students... with one named Derrick being the most difficult. He's not horrible... just a CLOWN. But you know, as a whole, I LOVE this bunch of kids. They really love me too, which is the cool thing. The difference between these and my class from last year is that last year, there was so much hatred amongst them... and they were pretty far from being children. They were so grown... This year, I have kids... that play make-believe and run around being silly... not dramatic. It's nice... and good.
As for grad school, I am loving that too. I just got done with Educational Leadership this week... with another A, mind you. Yep. I am currently holding a 3.9 in grad school... and honestly loving it. The last class has also opened my eyes to a new career direction. I know I used to say that I wasn't interested... but my interest has definitely been peaked. I think I want to go into administration... being an assistant principal, to be exact. I couldn't do the principal thing. No. We'll see...
As for other things, AMAZINGLY and PERFECTLY HAPPY and CONTENT being SINGLE...
::hold on... what the hell does Carrie Bradshaw have on? I'm watching Sex and the City, and this heifa has on 3 toned tights a big ugly 80s sweater and a completely random blue bandana.::
Anyway, yeah... single. It's nice... 'cause I don't have to be accessible if I don't wanna be. And no, I still don't have an exorbitant amount of friends, which I am dealing with, but I have made what seems to be a really great friend, who is also a Clemson Alum (by the way, Clemson is so just perfect right now... GO TIGERS!), and there's always Steven. We went out to Downtown Alive last weekend... and had a SUPER time... so super, in fact, that I overdrafted on my bank account (which I honestly did... no fraud committed this time). Yeah, so good bank breaking time.
Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of school for the week... even though I have professional development on Friday... at least Friday is payday, and I won't be in the red anymore. w00t for that.
Good times.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
stolen identity
Well, on Friday, I realized that something was up with my bank account.
I was supposed to have gotten paid Thursday night, so when I woke up and checked my account online and saw $160 missing and that my check had not even cleared, I knew something was wrong.
When I called the bank on Friday afternoon, I learned that apparently, I had made a $981 debit to Western Union to some woman in Las Vegas, Nevada. And also, I apparently had called from my phone, given my address for confirmation... it was the weirdest thing.
So, someone apparently stole my identity AND my bank card number and did all this online.
Boo.
I just thought you'd like to know about it.
I will apparently get those funds back, if they do actually clear the bank. As for right now, my card number has been nullified and I am waiting on a new one.
In other news, I'm pretty bored... and blah. No use in complaining though...
I was supposed to have gotten paid Thursday night, so when I woke up and checked my account online and saw $160 missing and that my check had not even cleared, I knew something was wrong.
When I called the bank on Friday afternoon, I learned that apparently, I had made a $981 debit to Western Union to some woman in Las Vegas, Nevada. And also, I apparently had called from my phone, given my address for confirmation... it was the weirdest thing.
So, someone apparently stole my identity AND my bank card number and did all this online.
Boo.
I just thought you'd like to know about it.
I will apparently get those funds back, if they do actually clear the bank. As for right now, my card number has been nullified and I am waiting on a new one.
In other news, I'm pretty bored... and blah. No use in complaining though...
Saturday, September 16, 2006
lame?
Am I lame?
I mean, I try to be a fun guy, but you know, sometimes, funness doesn't lend itself to me.
Like last night, for example...
I know that I was not the most exciting guy ever at the event that I went to, but I think I had good reason to not be highly amused.
First of all, I am a shy individual. I am. I just am. I can't help it. It doesn't mean that I am a prude, or not fun, or boring... it just means that it takes a minute for me to warm up to people. I think most people would agree that once I have warmed up, I am quite an enjoyable person to be around. It just takes me a minute. It also takes something else...
For me to warm up to a person, that person has to be worth my warming up. Now this is where I know that I am going to come off as a snob or sadiddy... but you know what, I could really care less. It has taken me a lot to get to the point where I am in my life, and I am not going to compromise it because there are other people in this world that think that being successful and intelligent is "uncool."
Point blank: I don't like dumb people. Hello? I do have the dumb pe0ple blog. While I haven't written in it in about 2 years, dumb people are STILL out in full force. And, it seems that now that I am out of college and in contact with the non-collegiate world, the ignorance and stupidity is even more rampant than in college. As a matter of fact, I am going to give all of the "dumb pe0ple" addressed in the blog that went to Clemson (and actually FINISHED) a huge apology. Okay, not an apology... yeah, y'all were stupid, but I will charge it to your attempts to live the college life to the fullest ('cause out of college actually is pretty lame).
Anyway, like I said, the dumb people... I hate them. The types of people who do and say stupid things that could be avoided with a little preconcieved thought. I know to the dumb people in question, that takes a lot of the fun away from things, but life can be just as fun... If you learn to appreciate those who do use their minds and not think of them as lifeless losers.
Now, I am in no way saying that anyone called me that or treated me as one (except for one fake tanned janky mout' hobitch with a too small jacket and some $5 bobo shoes who thought she was the most amazing thing that Ohio had to offer). I am just saying that I, honestly, would have considered myself one... I mean, compared to some of the individuals there.
Anyway, I am faced with this dilemma this year in Greenville... I mean, I survived one year... and it was good... Um. SIKE. It was alright. A huge learning experience, yes. Anyway, it seems as if there is a lack of good, decent people to just befriend. I am in NO way looking for an r-thingy. I am, this time, looking for an f-thingy: a FRIENDship. Yes, I have friends here... Steven and Kate most definitely, but they both have their own lives... Kate friggin' has a HUSBAND, HELLO? I also have other friends too... I don't see or talk to them as frequently, but they are around... and of course, there are people from school. I have 3 good teacher friends, but as much as I appreciate them, sometimes, I feel as if there is only so much time I should spend with co-workers. I dunno.
So, I am plagued with being lame and short on friends. It really isn't BAD, persay... just a little... disappointing sometimes. And it's not even really upsetting... just because I understand why: I am young, basically just out of college, NOT dating anyone, and limited with time due to work and school... plus, I am coming out of an amazing college experience with the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. So, for now, I will deal with coming off as lame. There have to be some other lame people who are also looking for acquaintances...
I mean, I try to be a fun guy, but you know, sometimes, funness doesn't lend itself to me.
Like last night, for example...
I know that I was not the most exciting guy ever at the event that I went to, but I think I had good reason to not be highly amused.
First of all, I am a shy individual. I am. I just am. I can't help it. It doesn't mean that I am a prude, or not fun, or boring... it just means that it takes a minute for me to warm up to people. I think most people would agree that once I have warmed up, I am quite an enjoyable person to be around. It just takes me a minute. It also takes something else...
For me to warm up to a person, that person has to be worth my warming up. Now this is where I know that I am going to come off as a snob or sadiddy... but you know what, I could really care less. It has taken me a lot to get to the point where I am in my life, and I am not going to compromise it because there are other people in this world that think that being successful and intelligent is "uncool."
Point blank: I don't like dumb people. Hello? I do have the dumb pe0ple blog. While I haven't written in it in about 2 years, dumb people are STILL out in full force. And, it seems that now that I am out of college and in contact with the non-collegiate world, the ignorance and stupidity is even more rampant than in college. As a matter of fact, I am going to give all of the "dumb pe0ple" addressed in the blog that went to Clemson (and actually FINISHED) a huge apology. Okay, not an apology... yeah, y'all were stupid, but I will charge it to your attempts to live the college life to the fullest ('cause out of college actually is pretty lame).
Anyway, like I said, the dumb people... I hate them. The types of people who do and say stupid things that could be avoided with a little preconcieved thought. I know to the dumb people in question, that takes a lot of the fun away from things, but life can be just as fun... If you learn to appreciate those who do use their minds and not think of them as lifeless losers.
Now, I am in no way saying that anyone called me that or treated me as one (except for one fake tanned janky mout' hobitch with a too small jacket and some $5 bobo shoes who thought she was the most amazing thing that Ohio had to offer). I am just saying that I, honestly, would have considered myself one... I mean, compared to some of the individuals there.
Anyway, I am faced with this dilemma this year in Greenville... I mean, I survived one year... and it was good... Um. SIKE. It was alright. A huge learning experience, yes. Anyway, it seems as if there is a lack of good, decent people to just befriend. I am in NO way looking for an r-thingy. I am, this time, looking for an f-thingy: a FRIENDship. Yes, I have friends here... Steven and Kate most definitely, but they both have their own lives... Kate friggin' has a HUSBAND, HELLO? I also have other friends too... I don't see or talk to them as frequently, but they are around... and of course, there are people from school. I have 3 good teacher friends, but as much as I appreciate them, sometimes, I feel as if there is only so much time I should spend with co-workers. I dunno.
So, I am plagued with being lame and short on friends. It really isn't BAD, persay... just a little... disappointing sometimes. And it's not even really upsetting... just because I understand why: I am young, basically just out of college, NOT dating anyone, and limited with time due to work and school... plus, I am coming out of an amazing college experience with the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. So, for now, I will deal with coming off as lame. There have to be some other lame people who are also looking for acquaintances...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
something from patrick
Patrick said this tonight on the phone and I loved it... I might need to mention it in tomorrow's writing lesson... since we are talking about similies and metaphors.
"Being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere is like going to college and not getting a degree."
I love it. Not only does it make perfect sense and call out those individuals who are in meaningless, stagnate relationships, but it also has the most perfect amount of snobbery: it addresses those less than desirable slackers who feel as if they are on the level of us bachelors who have completed our education processes at institutions of higher learning. We didn't go just to piddle away daddy's money for 7 years... we went to get our learn on...
...wait a minute. The whole point of the quote was about relationships with no direction, right? Sorry... didn't mean to get off on a tangent there.
Patrick is right though. What is the point of being in a relationship like that? When you look at that, and you look at many of the relationships of friends around you, it should make you feel a little better. If you are in a relationship, you should value it's direction, or START a direction if it lacks one... and if you are in the midst of those in relationships... look to see if theirs actually has one... it might make you appreciate the fact that you aren't in one...
"Being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere is like going to college and not getting a degree."
I love it. Not only does it make perfect sense and call out those individuals who are in meaningless, stagnate relationships, but it also has the most perfect amount of snobbery: it addresses those less than desirable slackers who feel as if they are on the level of us bachelors who have completed our education processes at institutions of higher learning. We didn't go just to piddle away daddy's money for 7 years... we went to get our learn on...
...wait a minute. The whole point of the quote was about relationships with no direction, right? Sorry... didn't mean to get off on a tangent there.
Patrick is right though. What is the point of being in a relationship like that? When you look at that, and you look at many of the relationships of friends around you, it should make you feel a little better. If you are in a relationship, you should value it's direction, or START a direction if it lacks one... and if you are in the midst of those in relationships... look to see if theirs actually has one... it might make you appreciate the fact that you aren't in one...
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
HBS
You know how matter of fact people have become with illnesses and diseases? It’s like, “It’s so common and unavoidable that we have just decided to refer to sicknesses with acronyms. IBS, HPV, UTI, HIV, AIDS, STD…
Well, I have come up with a new one… and this one is definitely matter of fact just because there are so many types of these people around, that it really kinda irks me. Okay, it seriously irks me. GRR (and that's not a disease acronym).
HBS.
Horny Bastard Syndrome.
Can I just say that I am SUPER tired of fools with Horny Bastard Syndrome? Let me just say, to the man who thinks with the head in his pants (the tragic victim of HBS), you sir, make me sick.
Here is an example of an individual with HBS:
I was at... an event last month. An event involving some friends. When a friend of a friend (the HBS victim in question) saw 2 highly attractive individuals, the HBS symptoms began showing up... quotes like, "Oooh, DAMN!" and the ever sickening chin rub. Yes, HBS had definitely struck this individual.
And then HBS can appear from distances far away and via communication devices such as AIM. Stupid little jokes, chain letters, and flirty passes can be transmitted asexually... or sexually through MySpace sex (yes... that shit actually happens).
It's an epidemic, folks. HBS is sweeping the nation. Women don't get it as much, but the majority of males between the ages of 16 and 30 have it.
I don't.
Well, I have come up with a new one… and this one is definitely matter of fact just because there are so many types of these people around, that it really kinda irks me. Okay, it seriously irks me. GRR (and that's not a disease acronym).
HBS.
Horny Bastard Syndrome.
Can I just say that I am SUPER tired of fools with Horny Bastard Syndrome? Let me just say, to the man who thinks with the head in his pants (the tragic victim of HBS), you sir, make me sick.
Here is an example of an individual with HBS:
I was at... an event last month. An event involving some friends. When a friend of a friend (the HBS victim in question) saw 2 highly attractive individuals, the HBS symptoms began showing up... quotes like, "Oooh, DAMN!" and the ever sickening chin rub. Yes, HBS had definitely struck this individual.
And then HBS can appear from distances far away and via communication devices such as AIM. Stupid little jokes, chain letters, and flirty passes can be transmitted asexually... or sexually through MySpace sex (yes... that shit actually happens).
It's an epidemic, folks. HBS is sweeping the nation. Women don't get it as much, but the majority of males between the ages of 16 and 30 have it.
I don't.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
when is enough, enough?
I was talking to a friend tonight about an ongoing situation involving a love interest... not mine, remember, I like sandwiches and naps after school... no time for a love interest.
Anyway, after hearing my friend's stories of waiting patiently for IMs, text messages, phone calls, and any other sort of acknowledgement of existence, I began to tire myself. It sucks to see your friends led on and bruised over the potentiality of a possible relationship. I mean, in a way, it hurts just like it would hurt you. I then asked, when is enough, enough?
We all, despite our pessimism, tend to be highly optimisitic. The mere fact that we enter into pursuits of love show that we have some sort of optimisim: "Woah, he/she is nice. I'd like a shot at something special with him/her." No one is TRULY a pessimist... although, at the present moment, I think that I might be the sole textbook definition of one.
But when is enough, enough?
Even though we are highly optimistic creatures, are we also highly masochistic?
Anyway, after hearing my friend's stories of waiting patiently for IMs, text messages, phone calls, and any other sort of acknowledgement of existence, I began to tire myself. It sucks to see your friends led on and bruised over the potentiality of a possible relationship. I mean, in a way, it hurts just like it would hurt you. I then asked, when is enough, enough?
We all, despite our pessimism, tend to be highly optimisitic. The mere fact that we enter into pursuits of love show that we have some sort of optimisim: "Woah, he/she is nice. I'd like a shot at something special with him/her." No one is TRULY a pessimist... although, at the present moment, I think that I might be the sole textbook definition of one.
But when is enough, enough?
Even though we are highly optimistic creatures, are we also highly masochistic?
sandwich and a nap
So, I just got in from school. It was... a day. Honestly, it was the worst day yet this year. There was obviously something about today, because it was that way in other classrooms at school too. Whatever though. I still think I have a good class. This time last year, my class was in the middle of a steady stream of misbehavior. We're bound to have our good days and bad days, so I'll let them have today.
I thought I had more to write about, but I guess I don't right now. It is pretty early, so I am sure I'll have more to discuss later. All I can think of now is a sandwich and a nap. Yeah, sounds nice.
See? This is why living alone and not having to be accountable to anyone is so great.
'Til later...
I thought I had more to write about, but I guess I don't right now. It is pretty early, so I am sure I'll have more to discuss later. All I can think of now is a sandwich and a nap. Yeah, sounds nice.
See? This is why living alone and not having to be accountable to anyone is so great.
'Til later...
Monday, September 04, 2006
the second beginning
Well, from the looks of my last blog entry, one could assume that not only was I coming to the end of hopelessness and all that other stuff, but I was coming to the end of my blogging days completely. That is far from the case. For the past 2 months, I haven't blogged at all... who knows the true reason why. I will say that part of the reason was my involvement in an r-thingy... the r-thingy mentioned in the last entry. Ironically, about a month after I wrote that entry, the r-thingy ceased. I won't lie... unlike the other party involved... it was pleasant while it lasted... and it didn't even end on extremely tragic terms. The end was tragic though... and sharing the title of tragic is my elusive ex.
So, if you haven't gathered yet, I am over it. I have been over it for a while now... I mean, there has been so much other stuff going on anyway... My 23rd birthday, Kate and Deni's FABULOUS wedding, the beginning of school and my INCREDIBLE class, my grad school classes, reconnecting with my amazing friends from Clemson. Forget summertime romances... and romances in general. Also, forget people who need way more than I have to offer in the first place...
Anyway... enough of that.
The main reason why I decided to plop down and start writing tonight is probably because of the point that I have come to in my life. I have gone through ridiculous SHIT this year. There is no need to hide or mask anything. 2006 has been an atrocity of a year. Unfortunately, it is only 3/4 of the way done. I have the fall to worry about now. So far things are good... pretty stagnate and a little boring... but whatever. That's good.
Earlier today, I thought of how good it felt to not be interested in anyone and not have to try to impress anyone or trying to read anyone. I look back at times earlier this year and earlier in life and think about how much of a priority it was for me to be into someone... or have someone remotely into me. It's more trouble than it's worth really. It's tiring... vexxing even. I think that I have come to this place where first of all, I hardly trust anyone (thanks, jerk), and find relationships to be luxuries, not necessities. I know my parents would highly disagree, but I doubt they have been through the mess that I have been through.
It's kinda sad... that I'm 23 and I've pretty much just stopped. I told Steven that last week... "I'm done." And I know I've said it before, but this time, I think I'm pretty sure that I mean it. Actually, I told Steven that I am ruined. Yeah. Ruined definitely describes me at this point. Things that used to make my heart swell with emotion now just make me snicker a little bit--questioning their validity.
Even at Kate and Deni's wedding... an event that at any other time would make me cry like a baby just made me grin. I felt like a dumbass cheshire cat. I can do without acts of kindness and sweet sappy movies like I used to like. It all seems frivolous and fake now. Everything that sounds remotely loving seems to have the taint of dishonesty.
So, let me wrap this up before instead of being cold hearted, I end up sounding like I have no heart at all... this is the second beginning. Not of my life... forget that. I have tried to start over tons of times. I tried to start fresh at the beginning of this year... remember that? "Lose control in '06"? Well, I sure as hell lost it. No sense in trying to regain it or even "TAKE control in THE FALL of '06." I'm simply going to keep on as if Hamilton is the only dude in the world. I have been pretty self centered lately, and judging from how vulnerable I have made myself in the past and how much I think about how others percieve me and who likes me and yadda yadda yadda, that hasn't been an incredibly selfish thing to do. So often I don't give myself enough credit.
Also, I really like the motto that Tiger Band is using this year. It's from Rent. "No Day But Today." That's so true. There is in essence, no day but today... and no one more important today but me.
This is the second beginning...
...and "it's all about the Hamiltons, baby."
So, if you haven't gathered yet, I am over it. I have been over it for a while now... I mean, there has been so much other stuff going on anyway... My 23rd birthday, Kate and Deni's FABULOUS wedding, the beginning of school and my INCREDIBLE class, my grad school classes, reconnecting with my amazing friends from Clemson. Forget summertime romances... and romances in general. Also, forget people who need way more than I have to offer in the first place...
Anyway... enough of that.
The main reason why I decided to plop down and start writing tonight is probably because of the point that I have come to in my life. I have gone through ridiculous SHIT this year. There is no need to hide or mask anything. 2006 has been an atrocity of a year. Unfortunately, it is only 3/4 of the way done. I have the fall to worry about now. So far things are good... pretty stagnate and a little boring... but whatever. That's good.
Earlier today, I thought of how good it felt to not be interested in anyone and not have to try to impress anyone or trying to read anyone. I look back at times earlier this year and earlier in life and think about how much of a priority it was for me to be into someone... or have someone remotely into me. It's more trouble than it's worth really. It's tiring... vexxing even. I think that I have come to this place where first of all, I hardly trust anyone (thanks, jerk), and find relationships to be luxuries, not necessities. I know my parents would highly disagree, but I doubt they have been through the mess that I have been through.
It's kinda sad... that I'm 23 and I've pretty much just stopped. I told Steven that last week... "I'm done." And I know I've said it before, but this time, I think I'm pretty sure that I mean it. Actually, I told Steven that I am ruined. Yeah. Ruined definitely describes me at this point. Things that used to make my heart swell with emotion now just make me snicker a little bit--questioning their validity.
Even at Kate and Deni's wedding... an event that at any other time would make me cry like a baby just made me grin. I felt like a dumbass cheshire cat. I can do without acts of kindness and sweet sappy movies like I used to like. It all seems frivolous and fake now. Everything that sounds remotely loving seems to have the taint of dishonesty.
So, let me wrap this up before instead of being cold hearted, I end up sounding like I have no heart at all... this is the second beginning. Not of my life... forget that. I have tried to start over tons of times. I tried to start fresh at the beginning of this year... remember that? "Lose control in '06"? Well, I sure as hell lost it. No sense in trying to regain it or even "TAKE control in THE FALL of '06." I'm simply going to keep on as if Hamilton is the only dude in the world. I have been pretty self centered lately, and judging from how vulnerable I have made myself in the past and how much I think about how others percieve me and who likes me and yadda yadda yadda, that hasn't been an incredibly selfish thing to do. So often I don't give myself enough credit.
Also, I really like the motto that Tiger Band is using this year. It's from Rent. "No Day But Today." That's so true. There is in essence, no day but today... and no one more important today but me.
This is the second beginning...
...and "it's all about the Hamiltons, baby."
Saturday, June 17, 2006
an end...
...to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering...
Thanks, Destiny's Child.
Yes. An end. To all that ish. It's over.
An r-thingy... FOR ME.
Thankyouverymuch.
Thanks, Destiny's Child.
Yes. An end. To all that ish. It's over.
An r-thingy... FOR ME.
Thankyouverymuch.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
yes and no boxes
Yesterday, EE (the Emotionless Enigma) contacted me with a relationship situation... to be honest, I scared myself with the way in which I reacted. I was so thoughtful and honest... probably so honest that I hurt EE... but I don't care. I do know now that EE has feelings, because he said that he cried last night when he talked to his significant other. I would delve into the whole thing, but it's so complicated, and right now, there are matters of my OWN heart that are getting in the way.
Anyway, one of the things that I told EE was that in relationships, there can't be maybes. Maybes are the worse things ever for relationships... they cause pain and confusion.
I used the analogy of the "Do you like me?" letters passed in class in elementary and middle school. These letters have little boxes at the bottom that say "Check one: Yes or No." So often, children, in their attempt to be kind and non-hurtful, will draw their own "Maybe" box. I can remember the maybe box being disappointing even back in grade school. I remember even when it wasn't even me dealing with the notes... I used to be so annoyed when some little girl would daintily draw her own little box and write "Maybe." Bitch, be a woman and say how you really feel! You don't need to think about anything!
Drawing the maybe box is for fickle people who don't really know what they want. If you have to think that hard about it, just say no. It's very simple. And coming from someone who has been told no before. I would much rather be told no up front and straightforwardly then be dealt the "maybe card." Sitting there suffering and not knowing what the hell is going on through the other person's mind. That's such a terrible feeling... God.
Anyway, I'm kinda in the middle of a maybe situation myself... two of them, exactly. In one respect, I need to tell one individual NO before they think it is really a maybe situation. Right now, on my end it's nothing, but I think on their end, they think that it could grow into something... I need to put a stop to it right away. In another respect... it is actually the same thing, only moving more towards the yes... and I am not the one in charge of the answer... I am waiting patiently on the answer. BUT... a premature no was put out there to keep me grounded for now, with a yes clause... that the yes is a possibility, just not now... see, that is not a maybe...
...that is a no with a "yes clause." Those will do... for a little while...
Anyway, one of the things that I told EE was that in relationships, there can't be maybes. Maybes are the worse things ever for relationships... they cause pain and confusion.
I used the analogy of the "Do you like me?" letters passed in class in elementary and middle school. These letters have little boxes at the bottom that say "Check one: Yes or No." So often, children, in their attempt to be kind and non-hurtful, will draw their own "Maybe" box. I can remember the maybe box being disappointing even back in grade school. I remember even when it wasn't even me dealing with the notes... I used to be so annoyed when some little girl would daintily draw her own little box and write "Maybe." Bitch, be a woman and say how you really feel! You don't need to think about anything!
Drawing the maybe box is for fickle people who don't really know what they want. If you have to think that hard about it, just say no. It's very simple. And coming from someone who has been told no before. I would much rather be told no up front and straightforwardly then be dealt the "maybe card." Sitting there suffering and not knowing what the hell is going on through the other person's mind. That's such a terrible feeling... God.
Anyway, I'm kinda in the middle of a maybe situation myself... two of them, exactly. In one respect, I need to tell one individual NO before they think it is really a maybe situation. Right now, on my end it's nothing, but I think on their end, they think that it could grow into something... I need to put a stop to it right away. In another respect... it is actually the same thing, only moving more towards the yes... and I am not the one in charge of the answer... I am waiting patiently on the answer. BUT... a premature no was put out there to keep me grounded for now, with a yes clause... that the yes is a possibility, just not now... see, that is not a maybe...
...that is a no with a "yes clause." Those will do... for a little while...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
gotta document this
Because of a Ham Rule and because of lessons I have learned, I can't openly discuss the emotions swirling around in my head and heart right now. But, I just have to document today... this date... this timebecause of recent events.
I believe it was sometime back in January of this year when I spoke of a happy place. Well, that happy place was a decoy. First of all, I wasn't really there for very long, and second of all, the artificial feeling of excitement that I felt at that time was nothing... I can guarantee that. Ironically, it seems that I learned a lot about myself through that dilemma, and a lot of what I learned was that I had no clue as to what was REALLY going on.
That leads me to why I can't just up and say exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions or prophesize about anything forthcoming, but I will say that the feelings I am feeling are AMAZING... and REAL... and INTENSE. If I were to verbalize or publish exactly how I think I am feeling, then as sure as this blog is blue, it would dissolve and dissipate right in front of my eyes... that's just the way it works.
So in essence, I really don't know for sure what I am thinking. When I try to figure that out, I get in trouble. The aforementioned adjectives should be sufficient enough to describe the other adjectives that truly describe my present thoughts and emotions.
Now that I have thoroughly confused myself and my readers, I will retire and let the mysterious jumble of adjectives and feelings simmer in my mind. Thanks.
(Don't try to understand. Just smile and nod.)
I believe it was sometime back in January of this year when I spoke of a happy place. Well, that happy place was a decoy. First of all, I wasn't really there for very long, and second of all, the artificial feeling of excitement that I felt at that time was nothing... I can guarantee that. Ironically, it seems that I learned a lot about myself through that dilemma, and a lot of what I learned was that I had no clue as to what was REALLY going on.
That leads me to why I can't just up and say exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions or prophesize about anything forthcoming, but I will say that the feelings I am feeling are AMAZING... and REAL... and INTENSE. If I were to verbalize or publish exactly how I think I am feeling, then as sure as this blog is blue, it would dissolve and dissipate right in front of my eyes... that's just the way it works.
So in essence, I really don't know for sure what I am thinking. When I try to figure that out, I get in trouble. The aforementioned adjectives should be sufficient enough to describe the other adjectives that truly describe my present thoughts and emotions.
Now that I have thoroughly confused myself and my readers, I will retire and let the mysterious jumble of adjectives and feelings simmer in my mind. Thanks.
(Don't try to understand. Just smile and nod.)
Thursday, June 01, 2006
new beginning
I think I'm going to have to start writing in here a lot more. I suppose I have what they would call "back-up?" There's a lot of stuff on my plate... or, a lot of stuff in my mind... or, a lot of stuff that I just have built up...
Honestly, it is beginning to feel the way it did kinda earlier this year. But, I have to make a promise to myself that I won't EVER with ANYONE in ANY situation allow myself to be that way again... ridiculously passive and fragile... like a papier mache... THING. I mean, where my whole world was turned upside down, not because of anyone elses doing, but my own for lack of a better word, RETARDEDNESS.
I had come to the realization that I had a problem. And I suppose that I told myself that I was going to try to work on that problem... to change it... to not let uncertainty bother me. But alas, once more, it has gotten the best of me. I have this flaw that no news is bad news... and also that I can't read people... ANYONE.
Like I said, I thought that I had been trying to work on this problem. But no, here I am again.
I was even proud of myself for talking to Katherine and telling her from the point of view of a LOSER as myself, that the best way to deal with someone, whether you like them or not, is be completelty up front and lay it all out there... no holds barred, because both parties will appreciate the honesty, and if in fact, the pair is not meant to be, the individual that is let down is let down with a little more dignity and grace. Yet, at this present state, that couldn't be further from what I want.
But, if this is a new beginning and I have been "changed for the better," I suppose it's time to grow up and face the music. I've been through tough shit... this should/will be nothing...
Honestly, it is beginning to feel the way it did kinda earlier this year. But, I have to make a promise to myself that I won't EVER with ANYONE in ANY situation allow myself to be that way again... ridiculously passive and fragile... like a papier mache... THING. I mean, where my whole world was turned upside down, not because of anyone elses doing, but my own for lack of a better word, RETARDEDNESS.
I had come to the realization that I had a problem. And I suppose that I told myself that I was going to try to work on that problem... to change it... to not let uncertainty bother me. But alas, once more, it has gotten the best of me. I have this flaw that no news is bad news... and also that I can't read people... ANYONE.
Like I said, I thought that I had been trying to work on this problem. But no, here I am again.
I was even proud of myself for talking to Katherine and telling her from the point of view of a LOSER as myself, that the best way to deal with someone, whether you like them or not, is be completelty up front and lay it all out there... no holds barred, because both parties will appreciate the honesty, and if in fact, the pair is not meant to be, the individual that is let down is let down with a little more dignity and grace. Yet, at this present state, that couldn't be further from what I want.
But, if this is a new beginning and I have been "changed for the better," I suppose it's time to grow up and face the music. I've been through tough shit... this should/will be nothing...
Thursday, May 25, 2006
hiatus?
Well, greetings! It has been a hell of a long time, hasn't it? I guess after the toe surgery and the worst spring break in the history of the unltraverse, I haven't been very inspired. Honestly, I became a slave to television and a little less than a slob.
My evenings have revolved around my sofa and the television (Everybody Loves Raymond, American Idol, House, Unan1mous, and The OC to be specific). Too much television... too much time on my couch.
I guess I was learning to deal with my situation of being pretty much a loner. I don't have many people in my life, and those who dawdle in and out of it lots of times don't manage to be worth two cents.
I'm not angry or anything. As a matter of fact, I kinda like being to myself. I don't have to answer to anyone or watch out for any surprises or wonder what anyone else is thinking. I've got it all under control.
Just recently, however, like I said, I have tired from the TV and the sofa. See, I had the flu last week... and all my life was was TV and sofa... and coughing, and dizziness, and fever, and vomit. That wasn't fun. So, I think I am ready for a little social interaction.
Surprise though, there is someone HEAVILY interested in me... I mean, more than I have ever imagined anyone would ever be in my life. There is no speculation about this at all. I have heard the words straight from the horse's mouth. Someone is in hot pursuit of me... and frankly... SURPRISINGLY... I don't know if I like it. Like I said, I have enjoyed my singularity. I get text messages from this individual CONSTANTLY... C O N S T A N T L Y. It is to the point where sometimes, I look at my phone, curse, and shove it in my pocket without even reading the text. I guess this is what I wanted though. Ugh. What an irony...
Anyway, you aren't missing anything. The individual and I are not anything.
I on the other hand am 2 other things... ready for school to be out and ready for my foot to be completely better... and I am sorry I have been slack. I'll try to do better.
I'm sure I will with this drama and the impending mammoth amount of free time coming once school gets out.
My evenings have revolved around my sofa and the television (Everybody Loves Raymond, American Idol, House, Unan1mous, and The OC to be specific). Too much television... too much time on my couch.
I guess I was learning to deal with my situation of being pretty much a loner. I don't have many people in my life, and those who dawdle in and out of it lots of times don't manage to be worth two cents.
I'm not angry or anything. As a matter of fact, I kinda like being to myself. I don't have to answer to anyone or watch out for any surprises or wonder what anyone else is thinking. I've got it all under control.
Just recently, however, like I said, I have tired from the TV and the sofa. See, I had the flu last week... and all my life was was TV and sofa... and coughing, and dizziness, and fever, and vomit. That wasn't fun. So, I think I am ready for a little social interaction.
Surprise though, there is someone HEAVILY interested in me... I mean, more than I have ever imagined anyone would ever be in my life. There is no speculation about this at all. I have heard the words straight from the horse's mouth. Someone is in hot pursuit of me... and frankly... SURPRISINGLY... I don't know if I like it. Like I said, I have enjoyed my singularity. I get text messages from this individual CONSTANTLY... C O N S T A N T L Y. It is to the point where sometimes, I look at my phone, curse, and shove it in my pocket without even reading the text. I guess this is what I wanted though. Ugh. What an irony...
Anyway, you aren't missing anything. The individual and I are not anything.
I on the other hand am 2 other things... ready for school to be out and ready for my foot to be completely better... and I am sorry I have been slack. I'll try to do better.
I'm sure I will with this drama and the impending mammoth amount of free time coming once school gets out.
Monday, May 01, 2006
things suck
No... they really do.
So bad, that I haven't been writing at all... I don't even feel like writing right now.
Okay, so really, things aren't terrible. I mean, sure, I have like no friends, my foot is taking forever to heal, there is a new and strange r-thingy on the horizon, and the end of school is so close I can taste it, but first there is PACT.
So... yeah. Things aren't terrible. They just aren't great either. Maybe when I feel like writing or when things clear up a little (which ever is first), I will delve into some of this ish.
In all seriousness, there are things going on right now that never have before... it's pretty crucial...
So bad, that I haven't been writing at all... I don't even feel like writing right now.
Okay, so really, things aren't terrible. I mean, sure, I have like no friends, my foot is taking forever to heal, there is a new and strange r-thingy on the horizon, and the end of school is so close I can taste it, but first there is PACT.
So... yeah. Things aren't terrible. They just aren't great either. Maybe when I feel like writing or when things clear up a little (which ever is first), I will delve into some of this ish.
In all seriousness, there are things going on right now that never have before... it's pretty crucial...
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
green
So I have decided that my color for the moment is green... it is such for many reasons.
First of all, a few weeks, I bought a green hat... the green hat has special meaning for me, ever since Patrick started singing his little remix of Kelis's "Milkshake" song. I love my green hat... even when it doesn't match with anything.
Secondly, green... what a great color for this point of time in my life as well as this point in the year. It's the color of growth. The color that is coming back into the natural spectrum, now that it is getting warmer and plants are starting to bloom and blossom again. Like nature, I have been growing so much this year... and expecially since the beginning of 2006... thanks to a certain douche. Yeah... Anyway, I have learned a lot about myself, and TONS about other people.
Finally, green is the color of Elphaba's skin in Wicked. This green skin scared people away at first, and made people think that she was something terrible, when in reality, in the early part of her life, she was caring and compassionate. Just like me, I used to be such a saccharine sweet type person... always so googly-eyed over lovey dovey stuff... I mean, I guess I still am a little bit, but not as near as much as I was. Just like Elphaba, I am changing... due to things that I learn and experience. Now, my intent is not to become wicked, by any means, but the green of her skin serves as a reminder that no matter what I do go through and whatever is done to me, or what I experience, I shouldn't let it influence me so much, and I should remain true to myself.
See... green. It's a beautiful color.
First of all, a few weeks, I bought a green hat... the green hat has special meaning for me, ever since Patrick started singing his little remix of Kelis's "Milkshake" song. I love my green hat... even when it doesn't match with anything.
Secondly, green... what a great color for this point of time in my life as well as this point in the year. It's the color of growth. The color that is coming back into the natural spectrum, now that it is getting warmer and plants are starting to bloom and blossom again. Like nature, I have been growing so much this year... and expecially since the beginning of 2006... thanks to a certain douche. Yeah... Anyway, I have learned a lot about myself, and TONS about other people.
Finally, green is the color of Elphaba's skin in Wicked. This green skin scared people away at first, and made people think that she was something terrible, when in reality, in the early part of her life, she was caring and compassionate. Just like me, I used to be such a saccharine sweet type person... always so googly-eyed over lovey dovey stuff... I mean, I guess I still am a little bit, but not as near as much as I was. Just like Elphaba, I am changing... due to things that I learn and experience. Now, my intent is not to become wicked, by any means, but the green of her skin serves as a reminder that no matter what I do go through and whatever is done to me, or what I experience, I shouldn't let it influence me so much, and I should remain true to myself.
See... green. It's a beautiful color.
Friday, April 14, 2006
the worst spring break in the ultraverse
...is in progress.
The only thing that comes to mind is the song lyric, "Never ever have I ever felt so low." Thanks for that, All Saints.
I mean, seriously. It has sucked so bad. I mean, is this really the death of youth? Because it sure does feel like it. It honestly feels like this week had been nothing but a sign telling me that A.) I don't have many friends, B.) the friends I do have have other things to do than hang out with me, C.) being single and living alone is social death.
Believe it or not, I am like TIRED... EXHAUSTED of sitting around and doing nothing. I can't believe it, but I can't wait to go back to school. I can't wait to be in the presence of 17 rowdy children. I can't wait to see my co-workers... the majority of whom are middle aged women. I mean, it's sad that the week of my surgery and spring break combined have sent me into a downward spiral of despair and frustration.
You know, on just about every other front, I am pretty good. No, I'm not in love with anyone... no, I'm not pursuing anyone, no, I have NO prospects whatsoever. But you know what? Forget a relationship. How about some friendship?
Really... I'm just tired of this. So tired, in fact, that I am going back to bed... yes, at 11 am, I am going BACK to bed. There's nothing else to do. No one else to talk to. Even the internet has become depressing. Don't get me started on how lame MySpace and Facebook have become. I effing hate the two of them now. I almost wish I didn't have this computer anymore so I wouldn't go on it at all. It could blow up right now and I would be okay with it.
Anyway, back to bed...
And you know what? Today is Good Friday. Thanks, Jesus for dying for us... today, I kinda feel like I'm right there with you...
The only thing that comes to mind is the song lyric, "Never ever have I ever felt so low." Thanks for that, All Saints.
I mean, seriously. It has sucked so bad. I mean, is this really the death of youth? Because it sure does feel like it. It honestly feels like this week had been nothing but a sign telling me that A.) I don't have many friends, B.) the friends I do have have other things to do than hang out with me, C.) being single and living alone is social death.
Believe it or not, I am like TIRED... EXHAUSTED of sitting around and doing nothing. I can't believe it, but I can't wait to go back to school. I can't wait to be in the presence of 17 rowdy children. I can't wait to see my co-workers... the majority of whom are middle aged women. I mean, it's sad that the week of my surgery and spring break combined have sent me into a downward spiral of despair and frustration.
You know, on just about every other front, I am pretty good. No, I'm not in love with anyone... no, I'm not pursuing anyone, no, I have NO prospects whatsoever. But you know what? Forget a relationship. How about some friendship?
Really... I'm just tired of this. So tired, in fact, that I am going back to bed... yes, at 11 am, I am going BACK to bed. There's nothing else to do. No one else to talk to. Even the internet has become depressing. Don't get me started on how lame MySpace and Facebook have become. I effing hate the two of them now. I almost wish I didn't have this computer anymore so I wouldn't go on it at all. It could blow up right now and I would be okay with it.
Anyway, back to bed...
And you know what? Today is Good Friday. Thanks, Jesus for dying for us... today, I kinda feel like I'm right there with you...
Thursday, April 06, 2006
breathe... just breathe
Not only is this the song by Anna Nalick that I am listening to, but it is what I have done this week. I have been laid up inside my house for 3 days now, recovering from toe surgery. The surgery was actually an enjoyable experience. The drugs they gave me were phenomenal. LOL. The pain accompaning the recovery has been quite minimal also. I think I probably have a high threshold for pain, but in all honesty, I have forgotten that there is a foreign object in my foot.
Anyway, this week, and having nothing to do has allowed me to breathe... not just literally, but figuratively. I haven't had anything to think about really. I have just been laying around slothfully. At times, I have felt nasty and disgusting because of my situation, but then I realize that I'm not in school, I'm not being bothered with anyone, and my family and a few extremely genuine friends have been available to help me with just about anything.
Ironically, the situation that is ALWAYS at hand hasn't really come up at all. I mean, the anonymity reared a few days ago with a seemingly caring phone call and the threat of a visit, but other than that, things haven't bothered me all that much. I think V E R Y slowly, I am getting over the anonymity. Then again, do you really get over someone that you admit to loving?
ANYWAY, two nights ago, I watched the series finale of Sex and the City. Can we say waterworks? The last 5 minutes of that show had me crying like a broke crack whore in bad need of a hit. I am so friggin' emotional. I need to get over that... 'cause in a way, it's embarrassing. But, as I told one of my good friends the other day, and as I wrote about in the last entry, you need to let that stuff out. If you don't you go crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I am almost at that point. I am tired of eating ready made food, laying on the sofa watching millions of syndicated sitcoms, and traipsing through my house with crutches. I am dying to leave the comfy seclusion of "The Villa." What sucks even more is that the weather has been nothing less than phenomenal. And I KNOW that as soon as I am able to go outside, it's gonna start raining or something. So is my life...
I also haven't taken a shower since Monday morning. I smell terrible. I am going to attempt to shower after I finish this entry. They told me today I can take the bandage off of my foot and begin wearing my air cast thingy again, so hopefully, that will allow for a little more mobility and excitement in my life.
Maybe I needed this week, not only to recover from my toe surgery, but to recover from the past 3 months of my life. Like my toe, my heart was broken, and it needed to be repaired and bandaged. The sad part is that I will potentially be able to walk on my foot later today--I know I won't be able to love or even like for a good while.
Time to breathe is just that... Who knows when time to love will come back around... if it will at all.
Anyway, this week, and having nothing to do has allowed me to breathe... not just literally, but figuratively. I haven't had anything to think about really. I have just been laying around slothfully. At times, I have felt nasty and disgusting because of my situation, but then I realize that I'm not in school, I'm not being bothered with anyone, and my family and a few extremely genuine friends have been available to help me with just about anything.
Ironically, the situation that is ALWAYS at hand hasn't really come up at all. I mean, the anonymity reared a few days ago with a seemingly caring phone call and the threat of a visit, but other than that, things haven't bothered me all that much. I think V E R Y slowly, I am getting over the anonymity. Then again, do you really get over someone that you admit to loving?
ANYWAY, two nights ago, I watched the series finale of Sex and the City. Can we say waterworks? The last 5 minutes of that show had me crying like a broke crack whore in bad need of a hit. I am so friggin' emotional. I need to get over that... 'cause in a way, it's embarrassing. But, as I told one of my good friends the other day, and as I wrote about in the last entry, you need to let that stuff out. If you don't you go crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I am almost at that point. I am tired of eating ready made food, laying on the sofa watching millions of syndicated sitcoms, and traipsing through my house with crutches. I am dying to leave the comfy seclusion of "The Villa." What sucks even more is that the weather has been nothing less than phenomenal. And I KNOW that as soon as I am able to go outside, it's gonna start raining or something. So is my life...
I also haven't taken a shower since Monday morning. I smell terrible. I am going to attempt to shower after I finish this entry. They told me today I can take the bandage off of my foot and begin wearing my air cast thingy again, so hopefully, that will allow for a little more mobility and excitement in my life.
Maybe I needed this week, not only to recover from my toe surgery, but to recover from the past 3 months of my life. Like my toe, my heart was broken, and it needed to be repaired and bandaged. The sad part is that I will potentially be able to walk on my foot later today--I know I won't be able to love or even like for a good while.
Time to breathe is just that... Who knows when time to love will come back around... if it will at all.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
shake it off
we are told the story of the mule in the well. some gentlemen threw a live mule into a well with every intention of burying it. once it was down in the well, they began shoveling dirt onto the mule. that old mule just proceeded to shake it off and pat it down under his feet. in their attempts to bury the mule, they actually helped it get out of the well. you see, every shovel of dirt succeeded in filling the well up and freeing the mule. it just goes to show that what sometimes is meant for bad, can turn out to be good... so just shake it off.
This is my current away message. I actually got this parable from the message I heard tonight at church. Pretty crucial, actually. In a way, I feel like in a way, this is what events in my life have done for me. Years of disappointment and rejection have in a way, turned me into something fierce... The strength I have found within myself and my independence is always growing and increasing, but the fact of the matter is, that I am gaining it. Bad things that have happened and things that haven't gone my way have kind of turned me into this person who values things that other people don't value. It's made me more compassionate in a way, and it has also made me stoic.
But tonight, I also learned that stoic is not necessarily the way to be. The preacher tonight said that people who "always have a smile on their face" are dangerous people. He said those types of people are the ones that go postal on people. I can understand why... people who are "seemingly indifferent to" things that are going on around them harbor their true emotions, and they have stuff built up inside of them. At any random point in time, all those emotions could come out without warning. With me, they come out in the form of tears at the sound of "Stand Up For Love." But for others, it isn't such a romantic release.
He basically said to shake it off: to do just how the mule did and use it as a learning experience... a stepping stone, if you will.
The other great thing about this message was the way in which he spoke of the Bible verse... "God put this in the Bible so you wouldn't go crazy... because people who stay angry go crazy." The verse is Ephesians 4:26. It starts out by saying, "Be ye angry..." which I think is so funny....
...God knew he was creating creatures that were gonna get a little pissy every once in a while.
I think it's great. Basically, it goes on to say don't harbor anger. It is WAY easier said than done. It's even easier said with "shake it off."
So, I am moving from stoicism on to shaking it off.
...Mariah Carey would be proud.
This is my current away message. I actually got this parable from the message I heard tonight at church. Pretty crucial, actually. In a way, I feel like in a way, this is what events in my life have done for me. Years of disappointment and rejection have in a way, turned me into something fierce... The strength I have found within myself and my independence is always growing and increasing, but the fact of the matter is, that I am gaining it. Bad things that have happened and things that haven't gone my way have kind of turned me into this person who values things that other people don't value. It's made me more compassionate in a way, and it has also made me stoic.
But tonight, I also learned that stoic is not necessarily the way to be. The preacher tonight said that people who "always have a smile on their face" are dangerous people. He said those types of people are the ones that go postal on people. I can understand why... people who are "seemingly indifferent to" things that are going on around them harbor their true emotions, and they have stuff built up inside of them. At any random point in time, all those emotions could come out without warning. With me, they come out in the form of tears at the sound of "Stand Up For Love." But for others, it isn't such a romantic release.
He basically said to shake it off: to do just how the mule did and use it as a learning experience... a stepping stone, if you will.
The other great thing about this message was the way in which he spoke of the Bible verse... "God put this in the Bible so you wouldn't go crazy... because people who stay angry go crazy." The verse is Ephesians 4:26. It starts out by saying, "Be ye angry..." which I think is so funny....
...God knew he was creating creatures that were gonna get a little pissy every once in a while.
I think it's great. Basically, it goes on to say don't harbor anger. It is WAY easier said than done. It's even easier said with "shake it off."
So, I am moving from stoicism on to shaking it off.
...Mariah Carey would be proud.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
signs
Okay, so greetings from East North Street Academy... I am mos' def at school. I just have to blog about yet another sign that I got regarding my new philosophy.
A license plate on the front of a car in the parking lot says:
Must be nice.
No, it's not my car... but this sign, like last night's, was definitely meant for me.
A license plate on the front of a car in the parking lot says:
Must be nice.
No, it's not my car... but this sign, like last night's, was definitely meant for me.
Monday, March 27, 2006
fortune(?) cookies
This evening, I joined my family for dinner at a Chinese buffet. Like always, we got fortune cookies with our check. Ironically, fortune cookies don't really do much for me. I am not big into sweets, and I most certainly am not into dry crackers with a slight hint of orange. The thing about fortune cookies that excite me are the fortunes that are inside. I like the fortunes so much, that I get pissed off when there is no fortune on the inside, but just a statement... like when it says something like, "You are well liked." That isn't a fortune... that's lame. On a fortune, I am looking for something that will alert me of things to come, as well as maybe some lucky numbers and on the other side, "Learn Chinese" (on one of the fortunes I am about to talk to, it says that the word 'children' is pronounced 'hai-zi').
Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a person who holds a lot of stock in things other than my religion, but sometimes, I think that God can speak through other avenues... for example, fortunes. Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell got a fortune last spring that said something along the lines of "You will win a great title." She friggin' won Miss South Carolina. Coincidence? Who knows. There's got to be a reason why she picked THAT particular fortune cookie and not one of the others that was sitting on her table... maybe because that fortune was meant for her.
Regardless, I got a fortune this evening. I also got one a while back. The one that I have had for a while now has sat on my computer desk for probably the last few weeks or so. It says:
You can have anything you want if you want it desparately enough.
In all actuality, this fortune really isn't a "fortune." It's one of those that states something... a word of wisdom, maybe. At any rate, it is a pleasant reminder... basically, not to give up hope.
The fortune I got today is nothing less than A FORTUNE. Ironically, it comes just a day after I came to the realization that being a nice guy will eventually be worth something. The fortune says:
Your kindness is surely to be repaid.
When I opened up the little slip of paper, I actually got a chill. It was almost as if it was an affirmation that my decision to "stand up for love" is the right thing to do... and that it will bring about something good. I'm just stupid enough to believe it.
When numbers of other people, EE included, say that I am dull and "no one likes a nice guy, everyone likes a badass," something completely random--an outside, unconnected source--tells me that I will be rewarded due to my kindness.
You know... sure it's a little insignificant piece of paper... but for the first time in about 3 months, I feel as if I KNOW I am doing something right...
Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a person who holds a lot of stock in things other than my religion, but sometimes, I think that God can speak through other avenues... for example, fortunes. Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell got a fortune last spring that said something along the lines of "You will win a great title." She friggin' won Miss South Carolina. Coincidence? Who knows. There's got to be a reason why she picked THAT particular fortune cookie and not one of the others that was sitting on her table... maybe because that fortune was meant for her.
Regardless, I got a fortune this evening. I also got one a while back. The one that I have had for a while now has sat on my computer desk for probably the last few weeks or so. It says:
You can have anything you want if you want it desparately enough.
In all actuality, this fortune really isn't a "fortune." It's one of those that states something... a word of wisdom, maybe. At any rate, it is a pleasant reminder... basically, not to give up hope.
The fortune I got today is nothing less than A FORTUNE. Ironically, it comes just a day after I came to the realization that being a nice guy will eventually be worth something. The fortune says:
Your kindness is surely to be repaid.
When I opened up the little slip of paper, I actually got a chill. It was almost as if it was an affirmation that my decision to "stand up for love" is the right thing to do... and that it will bring about something good. I'm just stupid enough to believe it.
When numbers of other people, EE included, say that I am dull and "no one likes a nice guy, everyone likes a badass," something completely random--an outside, unconnected source--tells me that I will be rewarded due to my kindness.
You know... sure it's a little insignificant piece of paper... but for the first time in about 3 months, I feel as if I KNOW I am doing something right...
Sunday, March 26, 2006
stand up for love
This is going to be one of my more philanthropic blog entries... just to warn you.
So, I have a confession to make... my ghetto car lacks a stereo... for an individual rooted in music as myself, that is a huge dilemma. So what do I do? Something highly illegal, that's what. I listen to headphones in the car. It is frowned upon greatly, but I don't care. Things are always a little better when there is a song in my heart.
Well, this morning, on the way to church, I decided to listen to Destiny's Child. The first song on their #1's CD is Stand Up For Love. It's supposed to be about helping children... I suppose third world country children. Apparently it was the anthem for World Children's Day last year (who knew that day existed?). Anyway, I was listening to it, and the weirdest thing happend.
I burst into this embarrassing ball of emotions. I mean, the waterworks came full force. It was like the Hartwell Dam broke.
Honestly, I think the whole reason I reacted in that way physically was because for the past about 2 weeks, I have been completely stoic... I think I wrote about it. It's like emotions wouldn't come. I wasn't necessarily apathetic to things, it's just that I didn't have any sort of outward expression to anything that was going on. Today was honestly the first time in about 2 weeks that I expressed any emotion outwardly.
And it was all because of this song... not because I got all "Save the Children" or anything, but because of my own personal predicament at this point in time.
For the past few weeks, a few people have informed me that I am basically dull... I don't intrigue anyone because I am not... I guess "dynamic" enough. And when I say dynamic, they mean "wild." When I meet someone, I don't immediately jump at the chance to hook up or get some ass... you know? That isn't me. As terrible as a person I might think I am, or anyone who reads this may think I am, I have to admit, that I have never been that type of person. Honestly, I don't know what has made me that type of person either. Maybe it is the fact that I have been rejected so many times that I don't even see anyone as a potential anything. Or maybe it's the fact that the type of people who do that have historically been a turn off to me. I don't know.
In order to save the face of the individual I am about to speak about, I will refer to them as Emotionless Enigma, or EE. EE and I were talking the other day when I challenged EE NOT to hook up with anyone this weekend. Mind you, EE is one of the individuals who claims that I am a stick in the mud... and no one likes a stick in the mud. EE fought with me about why it wouldn't be a bad idea to mess around. I gave into EE's banter, but once the conversation was over, I still thought to myself, "That is so disappointing."
I mention this because my goal in my present situation is not to "whore" out to meet anyone. EE claims that doing so would be a sure shot at a relationship. Frankly, I don't want a relationship built on that... My idea is that charm has got to still be worth something. I guess I am old fashioned in a way, and I feel that for me, being a nice guy with nice words and a personable demeanor will get me farther than sticking my tongue down someone's throat.
Hence, why the song Stand Up For Love meant so much to me this morning. It says "And I believe, that in my life I will see and end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering... If we stand together this one time and no one will get left behind... stand up for love." Yeah, I know it's talking about loving the kids and whatever, but look at it again and put it in the context of an individual who at times has felt hopeless, like giving up, and suffered. Think about if people... ALL people stopped being so fast and freaky for just a minute and realized that people would be happier and relationships would mean more if people learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer on the full scale, not just on the outside... imagine what it would be like, if there were more people who did Stand Up For Love... people who would be a benefit to everyone, just by showing the mere fact that what they have the ability to love... not just exploit others, but LOVE them.
That's why, I have decided to take the phrase Stand Up For Love and run with it. As dreadful as it has been, and as dreadful as it will surely continue to be, I can't succumb to the school of thought that slutting out will achieve everything I want in a relationship. It's terrible.
My goal is to remain this way... grounded and compassionate... and hopefully that will mean enough to someone.
And by no means am I trying to sound pious or holier than thou. It's just that in my day to day interactions, I don't come in contact with many people who share my philosophy on the matter. At times I really do feel as if I am one of the few who have a desire to maintain charm and adoration between two people.
It's lonely... but someone has to stand up for love.
So, I have a confession to make... my ghetto car lacks a stereo... for an individual rooted in music as myself, that is a huge dilemma. So what do I do? Something highly illegal, that's what. I listen to headphones in the car. It is frowned upon greatly, but I don't care. Things are always a little better when there is a song in my heart.
Well, this morning, on the way to church, I decided to listen to Destiny's Child. The first song on their #1's CD is Stand Up For Love. It's supposed to be about helping children... I suppose third world country children. Apparently it was the anthem for World Children's Day last year (who knew that day existed?). Anyway, I was listening to it, and the weirdest thing happend.
I burst into this embarrassing ball of emotions. I mean, the waterworks came full force. It was like the Hartwell Dam broke.
Honestly, I think the whole reason I reacted in that way physically was because for the past about 2 weeks, I have been completely stoic... I think I wrote about it. It's like emotions wouldn't come. I wasn't necessarily apathetic to things, it's just that I didn't have any sort of outward expression to anything that was going on. Today was honestly the first time in about 2 weeks that I expressed any emotion outwardly.
And it was all because of this song... not because I got all "Save the Children" or anything, but because of my own personal predicament at this point in time.
For the past few weeks, a few people have informed me that I am basically dull... I don't intrigue anyone because I am not... I guess "dynamic" enough. And when I say dynamic, they mean "wild." When I meet someone, I don't immediately jump at the chance to hook up or get some ass... you know? That isn't me. As terrible as a person I might think I am, or anyone who reads this may think I am, I have to admit, that I have never been that type of person. Honestly, I don't know what has made me that type of person either. Maybe it is the fact that I have been rejected so many times that I don't even see anyone as a potential anything. Or maybe it's the fact that the type of people who do that have historically been a turn off to me. I don't know.
In order to save the face of the individual I am about to speak about, I will refer to them as Emotionless Enigma, or EE. EE and I were talking the other day when I challenged EE NOT to hook up with anyone this weekend. Mind you, EE is one of the individuals who claims that I am a stick in the mud... and no one likes a stick in the mud. EE fought with me about why it wouldn't be a bad idea to mess around. I gave into EE's banter, but once the conversation was over, I still thought to myself, "That is so disappointing."
I mention this because my goal in my present situation is not to "whore" out to meet anyone. EE claims that doing so would be a sure shot at a relationship. Frankly, I don't want a relationship built on that... My idea is that charm has got to still be worth something. I guess I am old fashioned in a way, and I feel that for me, being a nice guy with nice words and a personable demeanor will get me farther than sticking my tongue down someone's throat.
Hence, why the song Stand Up For Love meant so much to me this morning. It says "And I believe, that in my life I will see and end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering... If we stand together this one time and no one will get left behind... stand up for love." Yeah, I know it's talking about loving the kids and whatever, but look at it again and put it in the context of an individual who at times has felt hopeless, like giving up, and suffered. Think about if people... ALL people stopped being so fast and freaky for just a minute and realized that people would be happier and relationships would mean more if people learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer on the full scale, not just on the outside... imagine what it would be like, if there were more people who did Stand Up For Love... people who would be a benefit to everyone, just by showing the mere fact that what they have the ability to love... not just exploit others, but LOVE them.
That's why, I have decided to take the phrase Stand Up For Love and run with it. As dreadful as it has been, and as dreadful as it will surely continue to be, I can't succumb to the school of thought that slutting out will achieve everything I want in a relationship. It's terrible.
My goal is to remain this way... grounded and compassionate... and hopefully that will mean enough to someone.
And by no means am I trying to sound pious or holier than thou. It's just that in my day to day interactions, I don't come in contact with many people who share my philosophy on the matter. At times I really do feel as if I am one of the few who have a desire to maintain charm and adoration between two people.
It's lonely... but someone has to stand up for love.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
"the terra complex"
Kate and I have this acquaintance... LOL.
This acquaintance is affectionately called "Terra" (for obvious reasons, which we will not delve into at this present time).
Terra uses AOL Instant Messenger... but ONLY when she needs to either brag or boast or bitch about something. She isn't like the rest of us AIM crazed individuals who get excited when we have been signed on for more than 7 days and it doesn't switch to "1 week." She will get on sporadically and immediately put up an away message... proclaiming something exciting like something new in her life, or something dreadfully terrible, like having a 18,000,000 page paper to write. This annoyed us.
I tell the story of Terra just to remind myself NOT to be her. For a good while, I was writing in here daily... if not every other day. And then, when everything involving that one individual stopped, I stopped writing. That ain't right.
So now, I come to you, not really with anything to write about, but just to write to ensure you that I am not suffering from "The Terra Complex."
I am however suffering from something... something that I can't quite put my finger on, however, it is suffering to say the least. When I think about it, all I can think of is the song "What is This Feeling?" from Wicked.
Loathing.
Unadulterated loathing.
Dictionary.com defines loathing as "To dislike (someone or something) greatly; abhor."
Well... what exactly is it that I dislike greatly... or abhor? Ohhhh, let me count...
...let's just say--I loathe it all!
This acquaintance is affectionately called "Terra" (for obvious reasons, which we will not delve into at this present time).
Terra uses AOL Instant Messenger... but ONLY when she needs to either brag or boast or bitch about something. She isn't like the rest of us AIM crazed individuals who get excited when we have been signed on for more than 7 days and it doesn't switch to "1 week." She will get on sporadically and immediately put up an away message... proclaiming something exciting like something new in her life, or something dreadfully terrible, like having a 18,000,000 page paper to write. This annoyed us.
I tell the story of Terra just to remind myself NOT to be her. For a good while, I was writing in here daily... if not every other day. And then, when everything involving that one individual stopped, I stopped writing. That ain't right.
So now, I come to you, not really with anything to write about, but just to write to ensure you that I am not suffering from "The Terra Complex."
I am however suffering from something... something that I can't quite put my finger on, however, it is suffering to say the least. When I think about it, all I can think of is the song "What is This Feeling?" from Wicked.
Loathing.
Unadulterated loathing.
Dictionary.com defines loathing as "To dislike (someone or something) greatly; abhor."
Well... what exactly is it that I dislike greatly... or abhor? Ohhhh, let me count...
...let's just say--I loathe it all!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
rescinding that statement
So earlier this morning, I said "fuck optimism." I'm sorry. I had just woken up... and the events from the previous night were fresh on my mind. I mean, they are right now as well, but I have uncovered a newfound optimism in the whole situation. So I have figured out that nothing will happen in this particular situation, but it opens many other doors and clears my mind in a way.
For the past 2 months, I have been all about this, and close minded to so many other things... but you know now, I can open up a little more... calm down some... and basically have an immense amount of fun (if I retain my motto of the year to "Lose Control in '06). I wasn't in a relationship, but it seems like I kind of was, because I gave no one else any attention or any thought... but now, I realize that I have a good friend... and the potential to... well... get heartbroken again.
Seriously, giving up looks like a good move right now. Have we ever seen anything flourish from any of these love interests?
For the past 2 months, I have been all about this, and close minded to so many other things... but you know now, I can open up a little more... calm down some... and basically have an immense amount of fun (if I retain my motto of the year to "Lose Control in '06). I wasn't in a relationship, but it seems like I kind of was, because I gave no one else any attention or any thought... but now, I realize that I have a good friend... and the potential to... well... get heartbroken again.
Seriously, giving up looks like a good move right now. Have we ever seen anything flourish from any of these love interests?
fuck optimism
...just wanted to let y'all know that once again, like I always figured in the back of my head, being optimistic doesn't mean a fucking thing.
Take it as you will... you know what it means.
I'm through.
...and for yet another reason, St. Patrick's Day will forever be a terrible day.
Take it as you will... you know what it means.
I'm through.
...and for yet another reason, St. Patrick's Day will forever be a terrible day.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
listening to alan...
...is something that I LOVE doing.
Talking to Alan is like the most perfect thing in the world almost. It is hard to believe that I have only known him for about 5 months and been close to him for only about 2 of those months, 'cause Alan and I can have conversations that I would NEVER have with other people... even people from Clemson.
On top of that, I think Alan is an INCREDIBLY intelligent person... especially in dealing with people and matters of the heart.
For a while, I actually was kind of upset with him for suggesting the whole badass route for my predicament... but then I realized that I was the one that had him under the impression that I NEEDED to act as such. In all reality, I don't need to be a badass... however, I think I like the attitude.
Anyway, I intended on going to bed early last night, but Alan talked to me for about 2 hours... and boy was it a deep convo. The way Alan can read people is almost frightening. What is even more frightening is the fact that Alan said that I have the ability, in my softy side, to break badasses down to their inner softy side...
I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I was like, that is hella awesome! I didn't realize how powerful I was... I thought having the ability to make the problem child in my class cry was just the mean teacher in me... lol. Just kidding... love my little knuckleheads.
But still, it was a highlyintriguing conversation that made me HIGHLY optimistic. You wouldn't know it, but in my secret blog the other day, I discussed about how optimistic I was about to be... and I was. But, the optimism in the secret blog was nothing like the optimism I felt as I went to bed last night... I really think that it is the reason why my 6 hours of sleep felt like 10 hours... no kidding.
So anyway, I hate being elusive in these blog entries... I really do. But, it SO wouldn't be me if I came out and said anything at all incriminating. Funny thing is how vague I can be but still have so much to write about and still keep so many interested. LOL. Seriously though... lets look back on some of the other elusive characters of king congruence...
2004 - "The USC Fan" and "The Crush"
2005 - "Kamikaze"
2006 - "Shoes/The anonymity known as my company to Myrtle Beach"
Damn. Looking at the past, it doesn't look good for 2006... but for some reason, I can't help but be a tiny bit more optimistic.
If for nothing else but keeping me humble and grounded, I turn to The Ben...
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
Talking to Alan is like the most perfect thing in the world almost. It is hard to believe that I have only known him for about 5 months and been close to him for only about 2 of those months, 'cause Alan and I can have conversations that I would NEVER have with other people... even people from Clemson.
On top of that, I think Alan is an INCREDIBLY intelligent person... especially in dealing with people and matters of the heart.
For a while, I actually was kind of upset with him for suggesting the whole badass route for my predicament... but then I realized that I was the one that had him under the impression that I NEEDED to act as such. In all reality, I don't need to be a badass... however, I think I like the attitude.
Anyway, I intended on going to bed early last night, but Alan talked to me for about 2 hours... and boy was it a deep convo. The way Alan can read people is almost frightening. What is even more frightening is the fact that Alan said that I have the ability, in my softy side, to break badasses down to their inner softy side...
I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I was like, that is hella awesome! I didn't realize how powerful I was... I thought having the ability to make the problem child in my class cry was just the mean teacher in me... lol. Just kidding... love my little knuckleheads.
But still, it was a highlyintriguing conversation that made me HIGHLY optimistic. You wouldn't know it, but in my secret blog the other day, I discussed about how optimistic I was about to be... and I was. But, the optimism in the secret blog was nothing like the optimism I felt as I went to bed last night... I really think that it is the reason why my 6 hours of sleep felt like 10 hours... no kidding.
So anyway, I hate being elusive in these blog entries... I really do. But, it SO wouldn't be me if I came out and said anything at all incriminating. Funny thing is how vague I can be but still have so much to write about and still keep so many interested. LOL. Seriously though... lets look back on some of the other elusive characters of king congruence...
2004 - "The USC Fan" and "The Crush"
2005 - "Kamikaze"
2006 - "Shoes/The anonymity known as my company to Myrtle Beach"
Damn. Looking at the past, it doesn't look good for 2006... but for some reason, I can't help but be a tiny bit more optimistic.
If for nothing else but keeping me humble and grounded, I turn to The Ben...
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
no good deed
I guess you could think of this as a sequal to birth of a badass. It comes from a great song that I discovered this evening. Thanks to a good deed done by Nichole, I recieved the Wicked CD. I don't know if I have talked about Wicked before... I don't really think I have. It's basically a musical about the Wicked Witch of the West... and I haven't seen it, nor do I know the real premise of it. All I can tell is Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, basically turns wicked because she gets fucked over... from the beginning, she's different, and just not as perfect and bubbly as others...
In the song No Good Deed, it seems that the one person who loved her and she loved back has been taken from her somehow... and she is doing all she can in order to get him back. Apparently, something that she did--something good--got him taken away from her in the first place. Please don't look to me for the truly annotated Cliffs version. I am simply just using context clues.
Anyway, in the song, she says:
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished
If I ever needed something to tell me that everything I wrote the other day made perfect sense, here it is. Confusingly enough, it has honestly been a little difficult in being a sever badass. In fact, today, I did an act of kindness... that could possibly be considered superfluous and unneccesary... but hey. That is definitely me...
But seriously, it seems like the only thing I need to ponder on if I get too soft and begin to abandon the whole badass thing, is Elphaba's pain in losing the one thing she wanted and lost due to her good deed. And once again, like I said, I don't know if this is what really happens in Wicked... all I know is that it is what I have gathered... and for the time being, it is quite relevant.
I'm seriously going to have to see this VERY soon... another song's lyrics are now haunting me... they're perfect as well... in a completely different, but just as relevant way...
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of What-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...
You know... the badass... as badass as he is... DOES have a heart...
...that's where the good deeds come from.
In the song No Good Deed, it seems that the one person who loved her and she loved back has been taken from her somehow... and she is doing all she can in order to get him back. Apparently, something that she did--something good--got him taken away from her in the first place. Please don't look to me for the truly annotated Cliffs version. I am simply just using context clues.
Anyway, in the song, she says:
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished
If I ever needed something to tell me that everything I wrote the other day made perfect sense, here it is. Confusingly enough, it has honestly been a little difficult in being a sever badass. In fact, today, I did an act of kindness... that could possibly be considered superfluous and unneccesary... but hey. That is definitely me...
But seriously, it seems like the only thing I need to ponder on if I get too soft and begin to abandon the whole badass thing, is Elphaba's pain in losing the one thing she wanted and lost due to her good deed. And once again, like I said, I don't know if this is what really happens in Wicked... all I know is that it is what I have gathered... and for the time being, it is quite relevant.
I'm seriously going to have to see this VERY soon... another song's lyrics are now haunting me... they're perfect as well... in a completely different, but just as relevant way...
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of What-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...
You know... the badass... as badass as he is... DOES have a heart...
...that's where the good deeds come from.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
birth of a badass
"Everyone likes a badass."
Words that haunt my ears at the present moment.
Alan visited this weekend... and he told me that my tragic flaw is that I am too nice. UGH. What was all that shit that I went through back during junior year in KKPsi. I thought the scars from that second semester made me enough of a punk. Apparently not.
I also thought that the bourgeoise comments I tend to make about people, their homes, and their educations was pretty bad ass as well. Alas, no.
Just as I was told in high school, and the early college years, I am a fucking nice guy that can only be seen as "the friend."
WELL, FUCK THAT. Seriously.
So, I am nice. Well, I do believe that the last 2 months, on top of other stupid shit that has just built up in my life will allow me to truly say a big "fuck you" to a particular someone, among a plethora of other lesser individuals that I have had the displeasure of entertaining as associates in my life.
This is the birth of a badass... This is me being angry for all the times I've been lied to, led on, fucked around with, thought of as just "the friend," shat on, bitched out, punked, walked on, called out, made fun of, rejected, scorned, stood up, taken advantage of, talked down to, criticized, condemned... all of that crucial shit. And it has ALL happened to me. Much of it by just one or a few people.
Y'all can all get hit by a CAT bus... and then have a 3 point turn executed on you.
I don't care. I'm all about getting even now. For about 23 years, I have lived my life as the son of a baptist preacher and a social worker. I was raised to be polite, caring, compassionate, and courteous. The thing my parents failed to tell me was that being as such would get me treated like a peon. You know, all of their guidance has gotten me this far. I graduated from school... I have a job... I have a house. But now it's time to play by society's rules a little bit. Funny thing is, all that advice from them and being all perfect and angelic really did do a lot of good in my younger years. I've never been arrested, or in jail, and I have never lost a job or flunked out of school either. Those were the guidelines for growing up. So, I made it. I grew up. Now it's time to be a grown up... and even as the Bible says "act peacefully if at all possible."
Well, damn... it ain't possible with these fuckers running around on the streets today. Everyone is out for their own self gratification... That isn't what I am planning on doing with my newfound badassness.... I just plan on "acting peacefully if at all possible..." and then to hell with everyone else who doesn't act peacefully with me. I'm not gonna be a punk.
Another funny thing about all of this is the fact that some people think of Hamilton as "the rock" who can withstand beating and badgering... who will stay there regardless... kinda like something timeless. I imagine some people think of me like, "Oh, Hamilton won't mind," or, "He'll get over it," or, "I can do it this way, because it's only Hamilton."
Well, asphyxiate, motherfucker. The rock's got fucking sharp edges.
So fuck y'all... all of y'all.
If y'all don't like me, blow me.
-Dr. Dre
Words that haunt my ears at the present moment.
Alan visited this weekend... and he told me that my tragic flaw is that I am too nice. UGH. What was all that shit that I went through back during junior year in KKPsi. I thought the scars from that second semester made me enough of a punk. Apparently not.
I also thought that the bourgeoise comments I tend to make about people, their homes, and their educations was pretty bad ass as well. Alas, no.
Just as I was told in high school, and the early college years, I am a fucking nice guy that can only be seen as "the friend."
WELL, FUCK THAT. Seriously.
So, I am nice. Well, I do believe that the last 2 months, on top of other stupid shit that has just built up in my life will allow me to truly say a big "fuck you" to a particular someone, among a plethora of other lesser individuals that I have had the displeasure of entertaining as associates in my life.
This is the birth of a badass... This is me being angry for all the times I've been lied to, led on, fucked around with, thought of as just "the friend," shat on, bitched out, punked, walked on, called out, made fun of, rejected, scorned, stood up, taken advantage of, talked down to, criticized, condemned... all of that crucial shit. And it has ALL happened to me. Much of it by just one or a few people.
Y'all can all get hit by a CAT bus... and then have a 3 point turn executed on you.
I don't care. I'm all about getting even now. For about 23 years, I have lived my life as the son of a baptist preacher and a social worker. I was raised to be polite, caring, compassionate, and courteous. The thing my parents failed to tell me was that being as such would get me treated like a peon. You know, all of their guidance has gotten me this far. I graduated from school... I have a job... I have a house. But now it's time to play by society's rules a little bit. Funny thing is, all that advice from them and being all perfect and angelic really did do a lot of good in my younger years. I've never been arrested, or in jail, and I have never lost a job or flunked out of school either. Those were the guidelines for growing up. So, I made it. I grew up. Now it's time to be a grown up... and even as the Bible says "act peacefully if at all possible."
Well, damn... it ain't possible with these fuckers running around on the streets today. Everyone is out for their own self gratification... That isn't what I am planning on doing with my newfound badassness.... I just plan on "acting peacefully if at all possible..." and then to hell with everyone else who doesn't act peacefully with me. I'm not gonna be a punk.
Another funny thing about all of this is the fact that some people think of Hamilton as "the rock" who can withstand beating and badgering... who will stay there regardless... kinda like something timeless. I imagine some people think of me like, "Oh, Hamilton won't mind," or, "He'll get over it," or, "I can do it this way, because it's only Hamilton."
Well, asphyxiate, motherfucker. The rock's got fucking sharp edges.
So fuck y'all... all of y'all.
If y'all don't like me, blow me.
-Dr. Dre
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
wedding rings
Ha. So I just realized that if one reads this blog regularly and they saw that the last entry was extremely vague but mentioned unmentionables in the secret blog, the title of this entry might startle a few people. Ha. But then again, if one reads this, they know that I would be the last person mentioning wedding rings in the sense of ME wearing one.
The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.
I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.
This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.
Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.
Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.
You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.
That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.
I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.
Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.
...pathetic.
So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.
Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...
..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.
So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...
Anyway...
...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.
And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...
...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.
The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.
I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.
This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.
Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.
Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.
You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.
That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.
I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.
Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.
...pathetic.
So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.
Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...
..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.
So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...
Anyway...
...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.
And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...
...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
ooh, shit, y'all...
...the secret blog is blowin' up!
Just thought you'd like to know... what you're missing.
CORRECTION: how much you're missing.
Just thought you'd like to know... what you're missing.
CORRECTION: how much you're missing.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
PAT
...that's all her Dollar General name tag says. This one lady might have been the sweetest person I came in contact with today.
I love all the ladies that work at my neighborhood Dollar General. Yeah, I know it's cheap to shop there, but I am not exactly rolling in the dough. I LOVE DG. I basically go there for my toiletries and stuff... you know, lotion, hair product, bandaids... stuff like that.
Well, today after school I went in there. I wasn't necessarily tired or in an extremely bad mood... I just had to stay at work longer for a meeting (I hardly ever go home angry anymore... I love my kids). Anyway, I go in, and the first person I see is Pat... tall, skinny, tan, with crinkly flat hair.
"How, you doin', hunnie?" she said. I was immediately in a state of euphoria. I love when sweet women call me honey... or in this case, "hunnie." See, there is a difference. It's in the way you say the second grapheme. "-ny" or "-nie." BIG difference there.
Anyway, I go get my two little things and wait for her to check me out.
"Hey, hunnie, is this gonna be it?... That'll be $4.20, sweetie."
Excitement time's THREE... she called me hunnie first, then sweetie, and my total came to $4.20 (which in immense irony is becoming my new favorite number... I'm always looking at the clock at 4:20, or purchasing exactly 4.20 gallons of gas, or buying something that comes to exactly $4.20, or getting change that is exactly $4.20)!!!
Anyway, finally, she was like, "$15.80 is your change, you have a good afternoon and you come back to see us, okay, hunnie?"
AAAAHHHH!!! The LOVE.
She doesn't know the influence she has on customers. I love her. She is so perfect, and I want to go back JUST to see her again.
I heart Pat.
See... Love. It's a simple thing...
I love all the ladies that work at my neighborhood Dollar General. Yeah, I know it's cheap to shop there, but I am not exactly rolling in the dough. I LOVE DG. I basically go there for my toiletries and stuff... you know, lotion, hair product, bandaids... stuff like that.
Well, today after school I went in there. I wasn't necessarily tired or in an extremely bad mood... I just had to stay at work longer for a meeting (I hardly ever go home angry anymore... I love my kids). Anyway, I go in, and the first person I see is Pat... tall, skinny, tan, with crinkly flat hair.
"How, you doin', hunnie?" she said. I was immediately in a state of euphoria. I love when sweet women call me honey... or in this case, "hunnie." See, there is a difference. It's in the way you say the second grapheme. "-ny" or "-nie." BIG difference there.
Anyway, I go get my two little things and wait for her to check me out.
"Hey, hunnie, is this gonna be it?... That'll be $4.20, sweetie."
Excitement time's THREE... she called me hunnie first, then sweetie, and my total came to $4.20 (which in immense irony is becoming my new favorite number... I'm always looking at the clock at 4:20, or purchasing exactly 4.20 gallons of gas, or buying something that comes to exactly $4.20, or getting change that is exactly $4.20)!!!
Anyway, finally, she was like, "$15.80 is your change, you have a good afternoon and you come back to see us, okay, hunnie?"
AAAAHHHH!!! The LOVE.
She doesn't know the influence she has on customers. I love her. She is so perfect, and I want to go back JUST to see her again.
I heart Pat.
See... Love. It's a simple thing...
Monday, February 27, 2006
tingle
In a way, this COULD be an extremely trite journal entry. But, due to numerous previous events, a few specific previous events, and the intensity that I am feeling at the present moment, I am going to try my damndest NOT to make this a run-of-the-mill trite ass blog entry.
This weekend, I went to Myrtle Beach. There is something to be said about my company on the trip, but I'm not going to say it. Anyway, I went to Myrtle Beach, and had an awesome time visiting my friend, Alan. I learned probably more about Alan than ANYONE would ever want to know, but honestly, it made me appreciate him even more. It sucks that I just met him a few months ago, and he has already moved away. It's okay though, because it is definitely a reason to go to the beach!
Anyway, one of the many stories Alan told us, was about his very close friend, Steve, who was shot and killed last summer. Steve was our age, and it was an untimely death. I could sympathize due to the loss of Royster last March. Steve, in his death, has meant more to Alan and honestly me than he probably ever did in life. Alan has such a great spiritual life because of Steve and how he had to look to God in order to cope with his death. This story among others made the trip to Myrtle Beach so much more meaningful than just a weekend romp in a cool place.
Alan also introduced me to a truly amazing music group: Keane. The CD he let us listen to, "Hopes and Fears" is insanely "crucial" as Alan says. I can't even begin to explain the intensity of the mixture of music and lyrics. Ben Folds is incredibly talented when it comes to his piano playing and his comical but true matter-of-fact lyrics, and Anastacia just has an insanely powerful voice, but these guys in Keane... they know how to put it all together. The only way I can describe the music is with the title of this entry: tingle.
When I hear the songs (especially Steve's song, "Bedshaped") that is what happens. Tingling. Being a musician and someone who is highly familiar with the charming capabilities of music, I know that tingling to be movement. When you tingle when you hear a song, that is you being stirred by the music: moved. The only reason I am allowing the term "tingle" to be used when the word "moved" is probably more fitting and meaningful is because at the sound of the song, the anonymity known as my company on the trip said, "Everytime I hear that song, I tingle." It wasn't an incredibly astounding statement. I mean, I agree completely. It's just the fact that the song did the same thing to me... it made me "tingle." And it just made me think... we were on the same page...
Isn't music just incredible like that? Just when you think that someone may have no clue where you are coming from, they share the same emotional attachment to a song as you. In this particular case, just when you think that someone can't really have an emotional attachment to anything.
Well, now that I am back from the beach and Keane's lyrics have haunted me all day, I have also acquired the CD. I told myself regardless of the things I should really be spending my money on, I was going to get this CD if it was the last thing I did. Ironically, as I went to the CD store after school, I got a phone call from the anonymity known as my company on the trip: "Guess where I am? I am buying that CD. I'm at a music store downtown, and I think I'm getting the last one."
Ha.
I was at a music store... that ALSO had only ONE copy left. Right now, it is playing in the background.
Remember, what I said? Nothing trite about this entry. While it may just seem like once again, the lyrics of a song have hit me right to the core, the lyrics in this song stretch through my core, the anonymity's core, and Steve's core. This music truly defines the great gift of music, and all the other amazing things music entails.
This music makes you tingle.
This weekend, I went to Myrtle Beach. There is something to be said about my company on the trip, but I'm not going to say it. Anyway, I went to Myrtle Beach, and had an awesome time visiting my friend, Alan. I learned probably more about Alan than ANYONE would ever want to know, but honestly, it made me appreciate him even more. It sucks that I just met him a few months ago, and he has already moved away. It's okay though, because it is definitely a reason to go to the beach!
Anyway, one of the many stories Alan told us, was about his very close friend, Steve, who was shot and killed last summer. Steve was our age, and it was an untimely death. I could sympathize due to the loss of Royster last March. Steve, in his death, has meant more to Alan and honestly me than he probably ever did in life. Alan has such a great spiritual life because of Steve and how he had to look to God in order to cope with his death. This story among others made the trip to Myrtle Beach so much more meaningful than just a weekend romp in a cool place.
Alan also introduced me to a truly amazing music group: Keane. The CD he let us listen to, "Hopes and Fears" is insanely "crucial" as Alan says. I can't even begin to explain the intensity of the mixture of music and lyrics. Ben Folds is incredibly talented when it comes to his piano playing and his comical but true matter-of-fact lyrics, and Anastacia just has an insanely powerful voice, but these guys in Keane... they know how to put it all together. The only way I can describe the music is with the title of this entry: tingle.
When I hear the songs (especially Steve's song, "Bedshaped") that is what happens. Tingling. Being a musician and someone who is highly familiar with the charming capabilities of music, I know that tingling to be movement. When you tingle when you hear a song, that is you being stirred by the music: moved. The only reason I am allowing the term "tingle" to be used when the word "moved" is probably more fitting and meaningful is because at the sound of the song, the anonymity known as my company on the trip said, "Everytime I hear that song, I tingle." It wasn't an incredibly astounding statement. I mean, I agree completely. It's just the fact that the song did the same thing to me... it made me "tingle." And it just made me think... we were on the same page...
Isn't music just incredible like that? Just when you think that someone may have no clue where you are coming from, they share the same emotional attachment to a song as you. In this particular case, just when you think that someone can't really have an emotional attachment to anything.
Well, now that I am back from the beach and Keane's lyrics have haunted me all day, I have also acquired the CD. I told myself regardless of the things I should really be spending my money on, I was going to get this CD if it was the last thing I did. Ironically, as I went to the CD store after school, I got a phone call from the anonymity known as my company on the trip: "Guess where I am? I am buying that CD. I'm at a music store downtown, and I think I'm getting the last one."
Ha.
I was at a music store... that ALSO had only ONE copy left. Right now, it is playing in the background.
Remember, what I said? Nothing trite about this entry. While it may just seem like once again, the lyrics of a song have hit me right to the core, the lyrics in this song stretch through my core, the anonymity's core, and Steve's core. This music truly defines the great gift of music, and all the other amazing things music entails.
This music makes you tingle.
Monday, February 20, 2006
death of the shoes
The shoes are gone.
You know what I hate? Wasting large portions of my life on one particular person... or in this case, footwear.
And I also hate looking back and thinking, "Damn. I went all googly-eyed over some damn K-Swiss."
The moral here: BUY your own damn shoes. Stay away from "free" K-Swiss shoes. And, be patient... shoes will go on sale... shoes will go out of style... eventually, the most perfect shoes will go on clearance and you will have just enough money to get them.
Honestly, though... I can't believe that now, I can't get the last 2 months of my life back. All over some damn K-Swiss...
You know what I hate? Wasting large portions of my life on one particular person... or in this case, footwear.
And I also hate looking back and thinking, "Damn. I went all googly-eyed over some damn K-Swiss."
The moral here: BUY your own damn shoes. Stay away from "free" K-Swiss shoes. And, be patient... shoes will go on sale... shoes will go out of style... eventually, the most perfect shoes will go on clearance and you will have just enough money to get them.
Honestly, though... I can't believe that now, I can't get the last 2 months of my life back. All over some damn K-Swiss...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
"shoes": the finale
Hellifireallyknow if this is the finale. I just know that I am tired of these DAMN shoes. I know it's a friggin' roller coaster... I like the shoes... I hate the shoes... the shoes get on my nerves... I love the shoes... the shoes give me bunions...
Right now, I almost* wish the shoes were never in my life. I wish I didn't like the shoes. I wish that I could be content with some $1.99 BoBos... or barefoot. I hate the shoes. In fact, I hate ALL shoes. I hate the fact that people NEED shoes in order to live. Or do we really need shoes in order to live?
No. We don't.
And you know what? I prayed to God that He would take away my desire for my particular pair of shoes... and ALL shoes, frankly. I'm tired of wanting shoes just cause everyone else has some.
But like I said, I doubt this is TRULY the finale about the shoes. Tomorrow starts the beginning of a 3 day weekend... so I know the shoes will be somewhere around. They always show up when I am going out or something...
...but you know what... this IS the shoe finale. Because I am tired of talking about the shoes as "shoes."
Fuck it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm "sick and tired of always being sick and tired."
*some sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling... 3rd party intervention type thing is not letting me have much of any say in what I should LOGICALLY think and do. It is something that I am finding to be highly frustrating and burdensome, and as poetically beautiful as it could be, I wish it would leave me the hell alone and come back when it is ready to work itself all the way through. I wrote about this sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling 3rd party intervention type thing in the secret blog... so here's to more vagueness...
Right now, I almost* wish the shoes were never in my life. I wish I didn't like the shoes. I wish that I could be content with some $1.99 BoBos... or barefoot. I hate the shoes. In fact, I hate ALL shoes. I hate the fact that people NEED shoes in order to live. Or do we really need shoes in order to live?
No. We don't.
And you know what? I prayed to God that He would take away my desire for my particular pair of shoes... and ALL shoes, frankly. I'm tired of wanting shoes just cause everyone else has some.
But like I said, I doubt this is TRULY the finale about the shoes. Tomorrow starts the beginning of a 3 day weekend... so I know the shoes will be somewhere around. They always show up when I am going out or something...
...but you know what... this IS the shoe finale. Because I am tired of talking about the shoes as "shoes."
Fuck it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm "sick and tired of always being sick and tired."
*some sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling... 3rd party intervention type thing is not letting me have much of any say in what I should LOGICALLY think and do. It is something that I am finding to be highly frustrating and burdensome, and as poetically beautiful as it could be, I wish it would leave me the hell alone and come back when it is ready to work itself all the way through. I wrote about this sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling 3rd party intervention type thing in the secret blog... so here's to more vagueness...
Monday, February 13, 2006
tomorrow's the day...
...that I dislike a lot.
I just figured I would document the eve of the day with what's going on in my head...
Okay, so I lied. There is too much going on to focus.
I will say this though... Alan did this tarot card reading thing with me on Friday night... and you should know that I am mos' def a Christian. However, those things always amaze me, because something about them is real... in some way or another.
The cards said a lot of stuff... among all the stuff, one thing it said was watch the structure of my house... So, apparently The Villa is in danger of falling down.
It also said that something big was about to happen in my life... and that someone isn't as they seem... hrmph. This is kinda what is plaguing me. As for the big thing happening, I am hoping it has something to do with my place of employment for next school year. As for the sketchy person... it could be one of a few people right now... this plagues me a lot, because I think I tend to trust people a little too much sometimes...
It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time I started listening to myself... like I encouraged Steven to do last night. How hypocritical of me...
...but seriously, I should start listening to myself a little better... I am my date for tomorrow...
I just figured I would document the eve of the day with what's going on in my head...
Okay, so I lied. There is too much going on to focus.
I will say this though... Alan did this tarot card reading thing with me on Friday night... and you should know that I am mos' def a Christian. However, those things always amaze me, because something about them is real... in some way or another.
The cards said a lot of stuff... among all the stuff, one thing it said was watch the structure of my house... So, apparently The Villa is in danger of falling down.
It also said that something big was about to happen in my life... and that someone isn't as they seem... hrmph. This is kinda what is plaguing me. As for the big thing happening, I am hoping it has something to do with my place of employment for next school year. As for the sketchy person... it could be one of a few people right now... this plagues me a lot, because I think I tend to trust people a little too much sometimes...
It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time I started listening to myself... like I encouraged Steven to do last night. How hypocritical of me...
...but seriously, I should start listening to myself a little better... I am my date for tomorrow...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
more about the "shoes"
A quick update on the shoes...
Both Friday and Saturday night, I had an encounter with those shoes again... Both nights, I looked at them with adoration. I didn't put them on. I guess because I was getting used to the fact that they were there but pretty much useless since in my heart I knew it wasn't right to parade around in something that wasn't mine.
Oh, by the way, all last week, the shoe salesman harassed me as I walked by... smiling and waving like, "Hey, person with the shoes! How are they working out for you?! Do you like them? I bet that's awesome to have some new shoes. You wanna come see other shoes we carry like those?" That shoe guy, I tell you what... he's so confusing.
Well, today, I told myself, "So the shoes aren't yours. You HAVE to go to that raggedy shoe man and be like, 'Take the shoes back or take my money. I'm not going to keep these things if they aren't rightfully mine.'"
So, I did just that. Well... kinda. I went up to the shoe man and was like, "These shoes did not come from you, so you DON'T want money for them? Correct?" He was like, "Well... The shoes are from here... but they were free... a buy one get one free type thing. Someone bought the first pair and didn't want this second pair, so I figured you would like them. I saw you come around every few days looking at them, so I decided you should have them. The really are no charge. Is that okay?" I figured it was okay.
So I went home and took the shoes out and looked at them once again... I thought to myself, "So I got some free shoes... But that is really kinda weird that the shoe guy just gave me someone else's shoes. LOL. It works though. They are mine, but they were actually someone else's... the shoes were a regift." ( I had to put my own label on the shoes... not mine, not someone else's, not the shoe guy's... but a regift)
So, will we be seeing more of the shoes? I dunno. I think it's too early to tell... I don't want to get them dirty or anything...
Both Friday and Saturday night, I had an encounter with those shoes again... Both nights, I looked at them with adoration. I didn't put them on. I guess because I was getting used to the fact that they were there but pretty much useless since in my heart I knew it wasn't right to parade around in something that wasn't mine.
Oh, by the way, all last week, the shoe salesman harassed me as I walked by... smiling and waving like, "Hey, person with the shoes! How are they working out for you?! Do you like them? I bet that's awesome to have some new shoes. You wanna come see other shoes we carry like those?" That shoe guy, I tell you what... he's so confusing.
Well, today, I told myself, "So the shoes aren't yours. You HAVE to go to that raggedy shoe man and be like, 'Take the shoes back or take my money. I'm not going to keep these things if they aren't rightfully mine.'"
So, I did just that. Well... kinda. I went up to the shoe man and was like, "These shoes did not come from you, so you DON'T want money for them? Correct?" He was like, "Well... The shoes are from here... but they were free... a buy one get one free type thing. Someone bought the first pair and didn't want this second pair, so I figured you would like them. I saw you come around every few days looking at them, so I decided you should have them. The really are no charge. Is that okay?" I figured it was okay.
So I went home and took the shoes out and looked at them once again... I thought to myself, "So I got some free shoes... But that is really kinda weird that the shoe guy just gave me someone else's shoes. LOL. It works though. They are mine, but they were actually someone else's... the shoes were a regift." ( I had to put my own label on the shoes... not mine, not someone else's, not the shoe guy's... but a regift)
So, will we be seeing more of the shoes? I dunno. I think it's too early to tell... I don't want to get them dirty or anything...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
"shoes"
So very sorry to have bored you with my last few entries... I think Freddie said it best when he labled it "shitacular." I love that word. And honestly, he called it exactly what it was... shitacular.
My predicament hasn't gotten worlds better or anything, I'm just tired of wallowing in it. It's confusing, and frustrating... and as Steven would say, "hella" crazy. Frankly, I'm tired of hella craziness.
So this entry is meant, if anything, to make fun of the situation...
Let's say that I saw something in the store that I wanted... a pair of really hot shoes. I saw them back in like early December... maybe even November. But, stupid me, I was too much of a pansy to spend a little extra money to buy them. So I walked past the shoe store once a week, oogling the shoes, wishing there was some way to let someone know that I liked them... 'cause maybe I could get them for Christmas.
Well, Christmas came and went... no shoes. However, on New Years, the shoes magically appeared on my front doorstep. I mean, it was so bizarre, that for a while, I didn't know what to do. I let them just sit there on my doorstep, as I came and left.
Eventually, I picked them up and brought them inside. But I told myself, I shouldn't wear them unless I find out who gave them to me and/or I pay for them, so I just put them in my closet.
Well, about a week after New Years, I sat there staring at them. I couldn't help it. I put a shoe on... not both, just one. It felt good, but not right. So, I took it off and sat the shoes out in front of my bed... in plain sight. I didn't wear them.... I just looked at them.
Well, a week later, I went to try the shoes again... but even though I was ready for them, I couldn't find them. It's like they vanished. I was pissed... until I found them the next day...
...when I put them on. I put them on all the way. SO COMFORTABLE. I couldn't stand it almost. At that point, I was sold on the shoes. I was willing to pay for them without truly knowing their origin. So I went to go and pay for them... but then, when I went to the shoe store, I found out that the shoe salesman didn't want my money. He was like, "Yes, we sell those shoes, but you don't need to pay for them. In fact, I don't even know if they were bought from this store."
At this... I was so distressed... I am not the type of person to wear shoes that don't RIGHTFULLY belong to me. And also, the nerve of that shoe salesman! Who wouldn't take money, even when they didn't deserve it... then again, I wasn't willing to take the shoes even though I didn't deserve them.
I sulked for about 2 weeks. I would look at the shoes every once in a while, but I would hiss at them, spit at them, roll my eyes when I saw them... you know, stupid stuff that you really wouldn't do to inanimate objects. LOL.
Well, last weekend, I decided to take the shoes out again. I sat there staring at them for a while and thought to myself, forget it... they are free shoes... you don't have to wear them... just realize you have some shoes... and you don't really know where they came from. So, I was all cool with the shoes...
And I was all happy... getting ready to go out... all giddy, listening to some pre-party music... and even partaking in some pre-party beverages... well... I accidentally put the shoes on--both of them. And I wore them ALL NIGHT.
When I got home and realized what I did, I was actually okay with it. I kinda felt okay with it. The shoes were comfy... and I didn't mess them up or anything. No one accused me of stealing or being ungrateful or anything... so, for a while, I was just like, "Yay. Shoes." Now, I'm kinda wanting to wear the shoes... but I'm beginning to want to pay for them again. And every so often, when I pass by the shoe store, the salesman smiles and waves like he knows I'm that weird guy who wanted to pay for the shoes... maybe he realizes he was a jerk for not taking the money in the first place???
I dunno.
Now I stand here with the shoes... just sitting around. And after typing all this, part of me thinks that I should just get rid of the shoes. I won't really be losing anything, 'cause it's not like I did anything to get the shoes. The only thing is... I didn't mention that I don't have any other shoes...
So yeah... shoes. Go figure. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Nick doesn't like the shoes? LOL...
My predicament hasn't gotten worlds better or anything, I'm just tired of wallowing in it. It's confusing, and frustrating... and as Steven would say, "hella" crazy. Frankly, I'm tired of hella craziness.
So this entry is meant, if anything, to make fun of the situation...
Let's say that I saw something in the store that I wanted... a pair of really hot shoes. I saw them back in like early December... maybe even November. But, stupid me, I was too much of a pansy to spend a little extra money to buy them. So I walked past the shoe store once a week, oogling the shoes, wishing there was some way to let someone know that I liked them... 'cause maybe I could get them for Christmas.
Well, Christmas came and went... no shoes. However, on New Years, the shoes magically appeared on my front doorstep. I mean, it was so bizarre, that for a while, I didn't know what to do. I let them just sit there on my doorstep, as I came and left.
Eventually, I picked them up and brought them inside. But I told myself, I shouldn't wear them unless I find out who gave them to me and/or I pay for them, so I just put them in my closet.
Well, about a week after New Years, I sat there staring at them. I couldn't help it. I put a shoe on... not both, just one. It felt good, but not right. So, I took it off and sat the shoes out in front of my bed... in plain sight. I didn't wear them.... I just looked at them.
Well, a week later, I went to try the shoes again... but even though I was ready for them, I couldn't find them. It's like they vanished. I was pissed... until I found them the next day...
...when I put them on. I put them on all the way. SO COMFORTABLE. I couldn't stand it almost. At that point, I was sold on the shoes. I was willing to pay for them without truly knowing their origin. So I went to go and pay for them... but then, when I went to the shoe store, I found out that the shoe salesman didn't want my money. He was like, "Yes, we sell those shoes, but you don't need to pay for them. In fact, I don't even know if they were bought from this store."
At this... I was so distressed... I am not the type of person to wear shoes that don't RIGHTFULLY belong to me. And also, the nerve of that shoe salesman! Who wouldn't take money, even when they didn't deserve it... then again, I wasn't willing to take the shoes even though I didn't deserve them.
I sulked for about 2 weeks. I would look at the shoes every once in a while, but I would hiss at them, spit at them, roll my eyes when I saw them... you know, stupid stuff that you really wouldn't do to inanimate objects. LOL.
Well, last weekend, I decided to take the shoes out again. I sat there staring at them for a while and thought to myself, forget it... they are free shoes... you don't have to wear them... just realize you have some shoes... and you don't really know where they came from. So, I was all cool with the shoes...
And I was all happy... getting ready to go out... all giddy, listening to some pre-party music... and even partaking in some pre-party beverages... well... I accidentally put the shoes on--both of them. And I wore them ALL NIGHT.
When I got home and realized what I did, I was actually okay with it. I kinda felt okay with it. The shoes were comfy... and I didn't mess them up or anything. No one accused me of stealing or being ungrateful or anything... so, for a while, I was just like, "Yay. Shoes." Now, I'm kinda wanting to wear the shoes... but I'm beginning to want to pay for them again. And every so often, when I pass by the shoe store, the salesman smiles and waves like he knows I'm that weird guy who wanted to pay for the shoes... maybe he realizes he was a jerk for not taking the money in the first place???
I dunno.
Now I stand here with the shoes... just sitting around. And after typing all this, part of me thinks that I should just get rid of the shoes. I won't really be losing anything, 'cause it's not like I did anything to get the shoes. The only thing is... I didn't mention that I don't have any other shoes...
So yeah... shoes. Go figure. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Nick doesn't like the shoes? LOL...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
you'll never be alone
Eff that... this blog is getting closer and closer to being THE secret blog each time I write in it. I really don't care. This stuff is deep... and real. So yes, eff that...
Anyway, tonight I went to Clemson and had dinner with Nichole. Before, I had a little caucus with Nick, and after, I had this big "come to Jesus" discussion with Laura. It's so funny how much my friends can make me think. I am truly blessed to have friends that inspire such introspection.
Laura's discussion with me was honestly just what I needed. A sincere talk with an old friend, who wouldn't judge me whatsoever. Ironically, she is only an "old" friend because I haven't seen her since August. But, I truly love her, and I appreciate her for the great friend she has become.
And you know, honestly, we discussed so much that it would be quite difficult to write about any one or even few things she said that really stood out to me. It was just perfect... although, the ride back to Greenville was full of thoughts racing through my head. I kept asking myself questions, kicking myself for things I have done, and trying to coerce myself into doing and not doing certain things.
On the way back, however, a song came into my mind... one that I have always loved and one whose lyrics have made me cry and smile. Right now, they make me uneasy, honestly. I am having a little difficulty believing the words and even understanding them... but as always, the music is what seems to soothe when even the words can't...
Anytime you feel like
You just can't go on
Hold onto my love
And you'll never be alone...
Hold on
We can make it through the fire
And my love
I'm forever by your side
And you know
If you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
You'll never be alone
Hmm... Is that so?
Anyway, tonight I went to Clemson and had dinner with Nichole. Before, I had a little caucus with Nick, and after, I had this big "come to Jesus" discussion with Laura. It's so funny how much my friends can make me think. I am truly blessed to have friends that inspire such introspection.
Laura's discussion with me was honestly just what I needed. A sincere talk with an old friend, who wouldn't judge me whatsoever. Ironically, she is only an "old" friend because I haven't seen her since August. But, I truly love her, and I appreciate her for the great friend she has become.
And you know, honestly, we discussed so much that it would be quite difficult to write about any one or even few things she said that really stood out to me. It was just perfect... although, the ride back to Greenville was full of thoughts racing through my head. I kept asking myself questions, kicking myself for things I have done, and trying to coerce myself into doing and not doing certain things.
On the way back, however, a song came into my mind... one that I have always loved and one whose lyrics have made me cry and smile. Right now, they make me uneasy, honestly. I am having a little difficulty believing the words and even understanding them... but as always, the music is what seems to soothe when even the words can't...
Anytime you feel like
You just can't go on
Hold onto my love
And you'll never be alone...
Hold on
We can make it through the fire
And my love
I'm forever by your side
And you know
If you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
You'll never be alone
Hmm... Is that so?
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
this should prolly go in the secret blog...
...but I don't care. The world should know.
I kind of don't like the way things are going right now. No, I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, I'm too much of a pansy to try to do something... I might end up messing up and ending up a vegetable or with only one limb or something.
Anyway, I feel like theres a lot of stuff going on in my mind and in my heart right now... It's weird stuff that is hard to put my finger on really... all I know is that I am tired of a lot of people and a lot of things... about me and just life in general.
In other words, I am trying to find that happy place again... but this time, I think I am the only person who can find it. It can't be brought to me from an outside source... which I think I look to so much. So yeah... that's really about it.
And also, someone just told me to "be blessed." Those simple words uplifted me so much. I seriously just sat here for a minute and glowed.
I hope I will be.
I kind of don't like the way things are going right now. No, I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, I'm too much of a pansy to try to do something... I might end up messing up and ending up a vegetable or with only one limb or something.
Anyway, I feel like theres a lot of stuff going on in my mind and in my heart right now... It's weird stuff that is hard to put my finger on really... all I know is that I am tired of a lot of people and a lot of things... about me and just life in general.
In other words, I am trying to find that happy place again... but this time, I think I am the only person who can find it. It can't be brought to me from an outside source... which I think I look to so much. So yeah... that's really about it.
And also, someone just told me to "be blessed." Those simple words uplifted me so much. I seriously just sat here for a minute and glowed.
I hope I will be.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
faith
Today in church, my dad said something extremely simple, but probably more profound than anything I have ever heard him preach about. He was commenting on faith, and how faith is used even when you are making a cake.
When you make a cake, you put all these ingredients together, and you just have enough confidence in the chemistry of all those things working together that once you pull it out of the oven, it's not just going to be a bunch of flour, milk, sugar, and eggs mixed together, but it will actually be a cake.
Even still, there are some people (accomplished cooks and fabulous culinary artists) who can simply throw stuff together without even measuring it. Ironically, I tend to be one of those people. Now, I'm not saying that I am an incredible cook or anything, but I never measure anything. I always "eyeball" it. I figure, if I attempt my best, and use some common sense, this thing is gonna work out. I don't even have a measuring cup in my kitchen now. I also don't like following recipes. I just throw whatever in that I think is going to make the food taste good and turn out right. Truthfully, I've never had anything turn out a disaster either.
So, does that mean that I have exceptional faith? I dunno. As I was listening to my dad, I thought for a moment that it did mean that I do have really awesome faith. As I think about it now, there are a lot of things that have happened that I just kind of expected to happen. I didn't worry about them a lot. Strangely enough, they were big things... like once in a lifetime things. Not everyday things that could pretty much be considered small stuff.
When it comes to small stuff, I tend to fret a lot. I dunno why. Serisouly, now that I am thinking about it, it is really backwards how I operate like that. The big deals in life, I just go on thinking of as, "it's going to/not going to happen." The little things... I sweat them... a lot.
A wise man once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Another smart individual said, "Everything's small stuff." I dunno why I can't subscribe to that school of thought. The small stuff is the stuff that spazzes me out. I need to chill out on that stuff... you know, let things be... let them happen... "lose control."
Sadly, I have tired from losing control in '06 already. It was really only good for about 2 weeks. Last Monday evening, I kinda regained control in so many ways. I guess it was when I left the happy place I was talking about just 20 minutes before it all came to a screeching halt. I'm just about over all of it, I guess... but this is just another situation where my faith is weak. I ALWAYS have a bunch of issues with this crap... It's like I still have faith, but it's like... I dunno. I can't explain it. The only thing that ever seems to put into words how I really feel about my situation is a line from "Missing the War" by Ben Folds Five:
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
It always gives me goosebumps when I hear those lyrics or even think about those words... How the hell can they be the 8 most perfect words that describe me and my life... and they come from a completely irrelevant song, and a person who I am sure has no clue what is going on in my life or mind...
Anyway... faith. Marinate on that for a little while. And this is about as deep as I will get in here... Usually, this type of stuff goes in the secret blog. Consider yourself lucky...
When you make a cake, you put all these ingredients together, and you just have enough confidence in the chemistry of all those things working together that once you pull it out of the oven, it's not just going to be a bunch of flour, milk, sugar, and eggs mixed together, but it will actually be a cake.
Even still, there are some people (accomplished cooks and fabulous culinary artists) who can simply throw stuff together without even measuring it. Ironically, I tend to be one of those people. Now, I'm not saying that I am an incredible cook or anything, but I never measure anything. I always "eyeball" it. I figure, if I attempt my best, and use some common sense, this thing is gonna work out. I don't even have a measuring cup in my kitchen now. I also don't like following recipes. I just throw whatever in that I think is going to make the food taste good and turn out right. Truthfully, I've never had anything turn out a disaster either.
So, does that mean that I have exceptional faith? I dunno. As I was listening to my dad, I thought for a moment that it did mean that I do have really awesome faith. As I think about it now, there are a lot of things that have happened that I just kind of expected to happen. I didn't worry about them a lot. Strangely enough, they were big things... like once in a lifetime things. Not everyday things that could pretty much be considered small stuff.
When it comes to small stuff, I tend to fret a lot. I dunno why. Serisouly, now that I am thinking about it, it is really backwards how I operate like that. The big deals in life, I just go on thinking of as, "it's going to/not going to happen." The little things... I sweat them... a lot.
A wise man once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Another smart individual said, "Everything's small stuff." I dunno why I can't subscribe to that school of thought. The small stuff is the stuff that spazzes me out. I need to chill out on that stuff... you know, let things be... let them happen... "lose control."
Sadly, I have tired from losing control in '06 already. It was really only good for about 2 weeks. Last Monday evening, I kinda regained control in so many ways. I guess it was when I left the happy place I was talking about just 20 minutes before it all came to a screeching halt. I'm just about over all of it, I guess... but this is just another situation where my faith is weak. I ALWAYS have a bunch of issues with this crap... It's like I still have faith, but it's like... I dunno. I can't explain it. The only thing that ever seems to put into words how I really feel about my situation is a line from "Missing the War" by Ben Folds Five:
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
It always gives me goosebumps when I hear those lyrics or even think about those words... How the hell can they be the 8 most perfect words that describe me and my life... and they come from a completely irrelevant song, and a person who I am sure has no clue what is going on in my life or mind...
Anyway... faith. Marinate on that for a little while. And this is about as deep as I will get in here... Usually, this type of stuff goes in the secret blog. Consider yourself lucky...
Thursday, January 19, 2006
forget it
Forget everything I said about a happy place.
Ironically, that happy place ceased to exist about 20 minutes after I wrote that blog entry.
It's just that it has taken me about this long to forget it for myself.
Ironically, that happy place ceased to exist about 20 minutes after I wrote that blog entry.
It's just that it has taken me about this long to forget it for myself.
Monday, January 16, 2006
rumor has it
Okay, so I saw a good movie tonight. It was Rumor Has It. It was a twisted love story, but a good one regardless. I think the biggest thing I got from it is that people do things and they make mistakes, and they have relationships that are sometimes meaningless, but when it comes down to it, when one enters into a meaningful relationship, they can tell. It was a pretty good message.
I don't have an incredible lot to report, unfortunately. I know that I have been really slack in here, and I feel pretty bad about that. But, ironically, a lot of things are going on in my life that require some provate contemplation, therefore, the secret blog is blowin' up right now (not really, but it is being used more than this one).
But in all honesty, for once, I don't feel like writing about the big thing that is going on in my life. I dunno why... like there's something different about it or something??? I really don't know. I mean, I used to talk about it all the time, but for some reason, I feel as if I write about it, it will just become trite jibber jabber like most of the stuff I publish is.
I dunno. Maybe this is just a sign that I am really growing up. In a way, I feel like pouring out all my thoughts in here is a little juvenile. I really don't know.
Just so I won't leave you people who read this in too much suspense, just know that I am in a happy place. That's really all I can say. :)
I don't have an incredible lot to report, unfortunately. I know that I have been really slack in here, and I feel pretty bad about that. But, ironically, a lot of things are going on in my life that require some provate contemplation, therefore, the secret blog is blowin' up right now (not really, but it is being used more than this one).
But in all honesty, for once, I don't feel like writing about the big thing that is going on in my life. I dunno why... like there's something different about it or something??? I really don't know. I mean, I used to talk about it all the time, but for some reason, I feel as if I write about it, it will just become trite jibber jabber like most of the stuff I publish is.
I dunno. Maybe this is just a sign that I am really growing up. In a way, I feel like pouring out all my thoughts in here is a little juvenile. I really don't know.
Just so I won't leave you people who read this in too much suspense, just know that I am in a happy place. That's really all I can say. :)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
2006
The motto for the year is lose control in '06.
Let's discuss for just a moment.
I have taken this motto from Missy Elliott's song of the same name, which has become a party anthem for my friends and I as of late. There aren't many great dance songs right now, but Los Control is definitely a "get krunk" type song. I mean, it is the perfect club song... just do what it says: "Everybody here, get it out of control. Get your backs off the wall 'cause Misdemeanor says so..."
In "losing control" in a life aspect, one might think that it's a bad thing. Like, if you lose control of your car, you crash. If you lose control of your finances, you go in the hole. If you lose control at work, you lose your job. I'm not talking about stuff like that. Because honestly, when I look at those things in my life, I am in complete control (except the fact that my utility bill is almost $300 for the past month... hello! Losing control!!!). But sometimes, when I think of my social life and my LACK of a love life, I am a little too uptight. Not that I am a party pooper or that I am no fun. I just think sometimes, my pretentiousness and insecurities get in the way... I know, right? BIG oxymoron.
How can I be pretentious and insecure at the same time? Well, first off, I am insecure... about a lot of things that I'm not even going to delve into. So, in being insecure about those things, I tend to rest on the things that I DO have going for me. So, while at times I'm like, "Geez, I suck because of yadda yadda yadda," I am also like, "Ugh, I am so above this." It's weird, I know.
So this year, in 2006, my goal is first of all, get rid of my insecurities... By doing that, hoefully, the pretentiousness will be more healthy and deserved (because, lets face it... I enjoy being amongst the upper eschelon of society). The only way to do so, is to lose control. Not dwell so much on why I feel that I'm not so and so because of such and such. Does that make sense?
So basically, I'm going to try to be more carefree. That's what losing control is all about: not harping on things that you really can't change or things that you can change that you just don't have the motivation or drive to change. If you DO want something to change bad enough, then instead of LOSING control, you have to TAKE control.
So there... that is my philosophical spill for the year... and as for 2006 so far, I've "lost control" pretty well. :)
Let's discuss for just a moment.
I have taken this motto from Missy Elliott's song of the same name, which has become a party anthem for my friends and I as of late. There aren't many great dance songs right now, but Los Control is definitely a "get krunk" type song. I mean, it is the perfect club song... just do what it says: "Everybody here, get it out of control. Get your backs off the wall 'cause Misdemeanor says so..."
In "losing control" in a life aspect, one might think that it's a bad thing. Like, if you lose control of your car, you crash. If you lose control of your finances, you go in the hole. If you lose control at work, you lose your job. I'm not talking about stuff like that. Because honestly, when I look at those things in my life, I am in complete control (except the fact that my utility bill is almost $300 for the past month... hello! Losing control!!!). But sometimes, when I think of my social life and my LACK of a love life, I am a little too uptight. Not that I am a party pooper or that I am no fun. I just think sometimes, my pretentiousness and insecurities get in the way... I know, right? BIG oxymoron.
How can I be pretentious and insecure at the same time? Well, first off, I am insecure... about a lot of things that I'm not even going to delve into. So, in being insecure about those things, I tend to rest on the things that I DO have going for me. So, while at times I'm like, "Geez, I suck because of yadda yadda yadda," I am also like, "Ugh, I am so above this." It's weird, I know.
So this year, in 2006, my goal is first of all, get rid of my insecurities... By doing that, hoefully, the pretentiousness will be more healthy and deserved (because, lets face it... I enjoy being amongst the upper eschelon of society). The only way to do so, is to lose control. Not dwell so much on why I feel that I'm not so and so because of such and such. Does that make sense?
So basically, I'm going to try to be more carefree. That's what losing control is all about: not harping on things that you really can't change or things that you can change that you just don't have the motivation or drive to change. If you DO want something to change bad enough, then instead of LOSING control, you have to TAKE control.
So there... that is my philosophical spill for the year... and as for 2006 so far, I've "lost control" pretty well. :)
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