the most encouraging phrase is...

"Don't worry."

It was relayed to me by Bryce, Cory, and Kamikaze tonight. I DO worry too much. But like I told Kamikaze, I am going to try really hard not to.

It's so much easier said than done though...

free time @ camp

Free time at camp might just be the greatest thing ever. Everyone is happy... the kids are happy 'cause they aren't in class and the counselors are happy because the kids can do things alone around the dorm to occupy themselves and we don't have to play babysitter.

Camp is going great. Of course there are things that I don't like that I KNEW I wouldn't like, but honestly, the good outweighs the bad. I am enjoying working with this group of counselors. There are only 9 of us, so we are a lot closer knit than we were last summer... also, there is the fact that 6 of us are APO/Gamma Sig, 5 of us are in band (with 1 whose brother is in band), and 4 of us are in KKPsi. It makes things run a lot more smoothly, which I suppose is due to the fact that we know what makes each other tick.

Anyway, free time is a special time today because at lunch time today, Katy and I braved College Avenue at lunch time with close to 100 campers. It was a mess... seriously. I was so on edge, thinkin' that kids were gonna get run over and abducted... Thankfully, that didn't happen, however, 4 little girls caused about a 6 car pile up in the intersection of 93 and College Ave.

Anyway, right about now, I'm kinda at a loss for words. Camp is good. "Nice and good," as Kelly would say. The campers are... well... nice. LOL. I'm having a good time.

I'm happy.

The only thing that could make me a little happier right now would be the satisfaction of having a little free time for myself downtown tonight to celebrate my happiness. LOL...

Thursday, bitches...

But then again, Sarah isn't around...

NO WORRIES! I'll manage.

the return of dumb pe0ple

So today, Monday (Lord, it's gonna be a long week), was the first full day of camp. I like the campers... really I do. However, even though they are supposed to be the smartest youth from all around the country, there really are some special ones here. Even though these kids are "special" they aren't who were the dumbest today... Lord, those dear tennis girls... I wrote about them in dumb pe0ple.

Anyway, like I said... camp is good. I'm getting along well with all the counselors and stuff... and my group of guys are really awesome. It appears as if this is going to be a good week... and hopefully a good summer.

But speaking of dumb pe0ple... I can't point my finger too much without pointing it back at me. I realize my flaws... so much that I don't even feel like I need to put them in here. Hell, they are pretty visible in here without me having to address what they are specifically. I am vowing to work on those things this summer. It's my last summer of freedom, so to speak. I've got some growing up to do still... but I mean, I'm not that bad. If anything, I guess it says a lot that I am able to admit to my flaws and vow to work on them (yes, I am admitting to my flaws by writing them in here).

You know, honestly... I want to walk away from this summer knowing that I had a good time, I learned something, I taught someone something, I grew up, and that I am confident and ready to start teaching come August.

I think I'm on the right track. I really hope I am (there goes a flaw right there... but I'm working on it!).

1st night in manning

So, last night was my first night sleeping here in Manning. It was definitely one for the record books. I've got nothing but good memories so far, but I'm sure that is going to change because I don't think the hot water is working in the showers... ugh.

Anyway, the night started at Craps' with a birthday party for Tiggy. Mmmmm... delicious "fruit and beverage" as Jenee and I would say. Those very same pieces of fruit were the culprits for putting me in the state I was in last night.

We ended up leaving fairly early... I kept saying, "It's not even last call yet!" It was a Saturday night though, so last call was really around midnight. But, I was thinking last call on a weeknight. It's okay though, because it is probably a good thing that we left when we did. When I got back to Manning and realized my state, it was too late...

...not late enough, however, for Kamikaze to call. Ooh wee... I was all smiles. And it was so funny because earlier that evening, Kamikaze said, "You know what would be funny? If you got drunk and I got drunk at the same time!" You see, Kamikaze is not in Clemson... hehe... surprise anyone? But it's true. And last night, Kamikaze wasn't even at home in Kingstree. The call I got was from a drunken Kamikaze who was leaving some sort of establishment in Greensboro, NC.

We talked for a L O N G time... 'til like 4:30 in the morning or so. I loved it. And yes... we were both drunk. But, the awesome thing about the two of us is that regardless of how drunk we were, it never got risque... and I like that a lot. I have never had this much of an emotional connection with someone before. I honestly feel like talking with Kamikaze is just as intense as if we were physically together.

You know... it sucks... just to be far apart. But the AMAZING thing is that somewhere, someone is thinking about me. And seriously, THAT is something that I have wanted to feel for such a long time. When I get a call from Kamikaze and I hear the words, "I think about you a lot," all I can do is smile. I truly understand what Kristen and Antley talk about now.

See... the first night in Manning was ever so excellent.

i worry too much

So the past week has been wasted on me being completely and utterly woeful and downtrodden all because of nothing. Nothing at all. This whole new love interest ... haha... just called me... like earlier in this saga.

Anyway, This whole new love interest really messed me up emotionally all week long. I talked to "Kamikaze" today (this is the name I have coined for the individual) and relayed this. I talked about how I was confused and concerned and didn't know if things were going in the right direction, or any direction at all for that matter. To make a long story short, everything is good... actually, everything is great. We had a little mini-DTR type thing... I mean, we really didn't define a relationship, 'cause there really isn't one yet. But then Kamikaze said "I like you a lot, Hamilton," it apparently came from the heart. And in now way was it said carelessly.

On top of that, I got an explanation for the unanswered phone calls and shortness online and stuff... it's just been busy around there. I mean, it was a good long conversation that cleared up a lot and set us in a good direction.

I am so optimistic now... even though I told Kamikaze that I am a pessimistic person. I really do feel like things are looking up right now. I mean, I got a phone call at 3:30 in the morning... and the assurance that I would more than likely have another tonight.

Yes... I worry too much. Things are good. There's no need to panic. Much like Katherine says, "NO WORRIES!"

In other news, I believe I may have worried about camp a little too much. After we got through that waste-of-my-life meeting, I really started to look forward to camp... to the dorm life... to the kids... to the drama... to the counselors. I am excited. I guess the one thing that I hate is having to pack everything up from The Reserve and cram it into 2A1 Manning Hall for the rest of the summer... and then the harsh reality that my next address will be back home in Greenville.

But I'm not going to WORRY about that now. I'm going to enjoy camp... I AM looking forward to it.

And I'm going to enjoy how things are with Kamikaze. I am looking forward to all that will come with this too.

last night...

Ugh. Forgive me. After returning from downtown last night, I spilled my ever-loving guts in here. I was beyond tragic. I was TURBO-tragic.

I don't know what it is about the night time and the lack of phone calls and the influence of alcohol that combines and turns me into a ball of tragedy. But like I said... a combination of all those things I listed. If you want to keep me in good spirits, I suggest you hang out with me during daylight hours, call me frequently, and keep me away from the likes of Jack, Jose, and Jim.

My life isn't all that bad... I just freak out easily... and panic easily... and sometimes, I'm just a big whiny bitch. LOL.

Today, I'm gonna chill out. I need to. And besides... ::BIG FAT SIGH:: camp starts on Sunday and it would be a travesty for those kids to come and me be a big punk to them... hehe... THEY are the ones that are going to be punks... LOL.

in a fucking mood

No. I'm not in a FUCKING mood... not in the mood to FUCK. That is not even acceptable. Even if I was, I don't think I would write about it. I'm just lost and confused and tired and annoyed and lonely. There... THAT'S the mood I'm in. I'm drunk (more drunk that I was in that "Even In Intoxication" entry) and I just don't know what's going on. I am the biggest hopeless romantic in the world. You know what? I'm ready for this weird thing that is going on to be over. I want to know what is going to happen. I'm sick of waiting and wondering and being confused. I would rather nothing happen than sit here and wait for nothing to happen. I HATE IT.

I am so lost.

I just hate things. I hate lots of things... about me... about my predicament... about my life... about everything. I hope to God this is just the alcohol talking, but I honestly feel like this is everything just pouring out of me. I don't want to go to camp. I don't want to leave Clemson. I don't want to be left wandering. I don't want to grow up. I want to be loved. I want to have fun. I want to be liked. I want resolution. I FUCKING HATE so much about my life. I just... UGH. I just want someone to talk to... to tell me it will be okay. I just want someone to tell me everything I want to hear. I just want. And I hate it.

...yes. This is what going out and having a good time will do to you.

so fresh and so clean clean

Like the new look? Yeah... I thought so. It's more streamlined and crisp, I think... LOL. What the hell do I know? I sound like the descriptions of beers down at Barley's in Greenville. I'm sure I'll have more to write later... just needed to document this exciting occasion in the life of king congruence.

7:30 am news

First of all... this entry is not related to love or anything that the past few have... But you know if I am writing it at 7:30 in the morning, it is big news...

So, I wake up to my parent's ring on my cell phone. On Nokia phones, it's called "Kick." Besides the fact that I call it the "you're in trouble ring" and it just isn't a pleasant sound, it's 7 something in the morning!

So I pick it up, and my mother is on the other end... obviously on the speaker phone (which I hate because it is a speaker phone on the cordless reciever and she will walk around with the reciever on speaker phone which defeats the purpose of a speaker phone). Anyway, she's all excited and says she has good news... and that she knows who my NEW principal is going to be. I was shocked.... honestly. First of all, I was like, I don't have a principal. Then I realized she was talking about for next year at East North Street Academy. Then I realized that the news of a new principal, regardless of who it was, was NOT good news. New principals bring about lots of confusion and changes in policy and disagreement. Even though it won't be a huge change for me, I had already met the former principal... heck, I was HIRED by her. So, I was not looking forward to the news of this person, regarless of who it was.

Anyway, I had no clue who it was... then she said, "You know him really well!" HIM? I had even less of a clue who it was going to be since it was going to be a man. I don't have to talk about how few men there are in elementary education. So, I said the name of the first decent man that came to mind: "Daddy?" It was a long shot, seeing how my dad doesn't have an education degree, so my mom laughed and said no.

Then I began to get frustrated and tell her about how I was not looking forward to a new principal, like I aforementioned. Then my mom was like, "Well, you know 'the Lord will make a way somehow."" And that was all I needed: "Mr. LaVelle?!" Mr. LaVelle is a man that goes to our church... he IS in education... an intelligent and GREAT young guy that I look up to, actually. "Yep! How'd you guess?" My mom asked... I guess it was the church reference that helped me get it.

So, I was excited... and I am excited. The only thing is, I am going to have this constant connection between work and church... I dunno about this. Also, I used to call him Mr. LaVelle, and now I'm going to have to call him by his professional name... Mr. McCray. It sounds so WEIRD! PLUS (I just thought of this), I used to date his niece! WEIRD!!!

But like my mom says, "the Lord will make a way somehow." I really hope that the Lord (as much as I love Him) stays out of East North Street to a degree... but I do hope that He smooths this transition over at the school.

Now, I am going back to bed... I have to call my new principal later today!

horoscope

So... all I can say is, I am a hopeless romantic... and on top of that, I am a pessimist. Not only in the areas of love and relationships. I have always seen the glass as half empty.

Anyway, I have been stressing myself for the past few days about this new love interest (I really need to come up with a name like I had for "The Caller" and "The Crush." I'll work on that). What I took as a loss of interest has turned out to be a busy and hectic schedule.

I mean, I guess that still doesn't make me feel TONS better. I still "toss and turn when I'm alone." And I still "think about you day and night and I just can't get you off my mind."

But, things are looking up. I mean, look at this horoscope that I got from Jenee...

July 23 - August 22 (My birthday is 8/11)
There are only two possible explanations for the mood you're in. One is that you've won the lottery, and you're now preparing to tell off your boss, your boss's boss and anyone who even remotely resembles either of them. But if that's not it, it looks like you're in love, and you've discovered that your special someone loves you too. Either way, nothing could be finer. To celebrate, you really should call someone you love and plan an extremely romantic evening out.

And on top of that, I love Jenee... she is the sister I never had.

katherine

Well, even though the title of this entry is "Katherine," I must first say that I am doing something that my friend Kelly hates. When we were at her house in Pauley's Island, we were watching Dawson's Creek (not my choice... actually my first time watching it) and Dawson's mom was being the classic tragic television woman eating ice cream alone in her kitchen. Well, I'm eating Ramen alone in my room watching American Idol. I haven't watched it at all this season. These people suck. I do have to admit, that I am taking a liking to Bo Bice though. He's weird... and he should cut his hair... but other than that, he is good. Carrie Underwood is a little ol' country heffer. Oh well... in all honestly, I don't care. This season has been a waste of good television time.

Anyway, before I commenced my dinner and American Idol, I had the opportunity to talk to my friend Katherine about this new love interest. She (bless her heart) has been really bored at home since graduation, so what does she do? Indulge in my less than exciting blog musings. Well, I told her all about the elusive individual, which is not really something I do. You know, I don't really talk about things like this. But, I trust Katherine... and she has served as a plethora of information and assistance in dealing with these weird feelings. I'm so glad that she understands what I'm going through. It was good to talk to an actual person about it rather than blog about it. It helped me really understand some things that really bug me when I think about them to myself.

I am just overwhelmed right now and can't really express all that's going on in my mind. Katherine has really done more than I think she knows she has done... I feel a lot more confident about things. Yeah.

Thank you, Katherine.

pauley's island

Greetings from Pauley's Island! I'm here visiting with Bryn, Kelly, and their sister Lane. We came up yesterday after a short stop in Summerville. Today, we went out to the beach on the island. It was SO awesome. I really love the beach. I thought I wasn't going to make it to the beach this summer, but thankfully I have. I guess I have had my little vacation... camp starts on Sunday... I was excited, but not so much anymore.

Anyway, things are good... after a pretty restless Satruday night, I was able to make it this weekend rippin' and roarin' through South Carolina. Saturday night's events really tore me up... you know, the phone call and all... I couldn't sleep... It put the *NSYNC song The Two of Us in my mind.

You know I toss and turn when I'm alone...

Yeah. It sucks... I hate being this way... having my mind invaded by foreign thoughts. I was just sitting downstairs here at the Salters thinking "You know, I'm going to think back on this trip and these first few weeks after graduating and THIS is going to come to mind." Tragic. Ugh.

Oh well. Sadly, these thoughts also seem to be keeping me from being social interaction. My mind is racing so much that sadly, it seems like everytime I should be socializing or joining in conversaiton, I would rather be alone thinking to myself. I mean, I guess I'm always in a pretty pensive mood, but more now than normally.

Like today on the beach, I walked around on the shore looking for seashells and softly humming Such Great Heights while Patrick and the girls were out in the ocean... but also, the water was really cold and I wasn't about to be all out in the water as cold as it was.

Once again, tragic.

Is that what my life has become? I really am starting to feel old... I mean, this situation is making me feel old. I feel distant from my friends in a way. I really hope they don't feel like I am distancing myself. That's not my intention. I even thought about not coming just because I knew that I was going to be in a pretty intense mood after Saturday night. But then I thought, what good is it sitting in that apartment all day with nothing to do, when I can go to the beach and hang out with my friends for almost no cost? Yeah, I did the right thing by coming...

I am just so thankful that they had a computer so I could get some of these thoughts out. Hopefully now, I can go back downstairs and be a little more sociable with this off of my mind.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I am NOT trying to alienate myself from anyone. And I am not being a complete bitter snob...

...I make it obvious when I am attempting to do that.

wedding #4

Today I drove to Lexington for my friend Cheryl's wedding. Yes... this was wedding number 4 for the year. Can you believe it? I'm not even going to begin to discuss the plethora of weddings planned for the year, nor am I going to talk about the plethora of weddings I have already attended this year.

It was a very tender wedding though... I think the best part about the wedding was the look on Cheryl's face as the doors opened for her to come down the aisle. She was one big huge ball of boo hoo. IT WAS SO TENDER! The doors opened and all I could see was this big huge smile amidst the most sweet tears of joy. It was one of those situations where I couldn't help but smile. I mean... GAH! You know that's deep when you can feel the love so much. I mean seriously. I coulda cut me a slice out of the air. It was so tender.

You know, being in the midst of all of that emotion and love just makes one want to be in love. It's funny. It was like it was almost contagious. Not to mention, I had a 2 and a half hour drive back to Clemson to let everything marinate.

I guess it's pretty clear that with Such Great Heights on the brain, this new interest, and weddings abound that there's lots goin' on upstairs... possibly even within the chest cavity.

Okay, look... like... I've never gotten goosebumps just talking to a random person. I've never just thought about someone or mentioned them and then my phone rings and their name is showing up on the screen. I've never had someone call and say, "I was thinking about you." I've never wanted to drop everything just to be with someone... until now.

And you know, I don't know if it's real, or if Such Great Heights and all these weddings are serving as catalysts. I honestly don't know.

But what I do know, is that I am better than this... to let something like this consume me so much... I KNOW that it is not good for me. I am just setting myself up...

OMG...

OMG. The craziest fucking thing in the whole universe just happened...

As I am writing about this weird situation that I am in... my phone rang. It was the ever so sweet person in question. And you know, I don't really know a lot of what was said... but I know that "I like you a lot, Hamilton" was said. And my heart started beating really fast... and I got goosebumps... and I started smiling like a big dumb ass. I mean, like a BIG dumb ass. I'm just DUMBfounded. I'm serious when I say that this has never happened. It's too much. In the words of my friend Amanda who I crushed on in high school, "Me lungs hurt." When she found out I liked her, she said, "Me lungs hurt." We laughed... but oh, Amanda... I know what you were talking about.

The only song that comes to mind right now is Beyonce's Crazy in Love. I'm honestly feeling CRAZY right now. I wouldn't go so far as to call it love... but this is a crazy feeling I've got goin' on. It's seriously got me lookin' so crazy right now.

So, in an attempt to not appear so trite and fucking schoolgirlish, I'm going to go, listen to Crazy in Love, and await another phone call.

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain
How I'm feelin' and my pride is the one to blame
Cause I know I don't understand
Just how your love can do what no one else can...

and even in intoxication...

So, I went out tonight... thankfully, because I have been so bored and downtown has not been fun in recent nights.

Tonight was fun though. I went out with Patrick, Karen, and Tripp. We had a good time. And I had 3 jello shots... right before we left. So, I assume that they will start taking effect shortly.

Anyway, while we were out, I said I was going to blog about Oh by Ciara. I can't say anything about that song except: SEX.

That song reminds me of nothing but two people banging in the bed. It's such a sexy song. Another favorite of mine. However, it is still not as perfect as Such Great Heights. I know... It might be useful to call this obsession tragic. I mean, I feel like this song is the most perfect song ever created.... ever written... ever devised to show love.

Ironically, even Tripp, who hadn't read my blog said that it was the perfect song as we were riding downtown. It is... it's just perfect. I can even realize that in the state I'm in now.

On top of that... as I was out, I kinda let my roomie Patrick in on a little secret... that I have been talking to someone for the past few days. It's still in the very early stages, so it's pretty much still unmentionable, but the way that this came up this evening is almost frightening.

I don't really remember (or else, I am just having a hard time recalling due to other circumstances), but somehow we started talking about... something. I really don't know right now. But I told Patrick about this person that I have been talking to a good bit. OH! I know why... because someone walked into the bar that favored this particular person. That's it... hehe.

Anyway, I told Patrick about the elusive individual and at that very moment, I felt my phone vibrate... it was that very person. Patrick, bless his heart, looked stunned and said, "That's fate." Well... I don't want to go that far, but it was definitely something.

And you know, that's all I'm going to say about that... and about this particular individual. Every great blogger needs a little bit of privacy. Besides... taking everything into consideration (the wonderful song of the moment and tonight's occurrence at the bar), one might be able to guess what happens to be "catch(ing) my troubled head."

such great heights

Well, thanks be to God... I didn't watch half as much TV as I have been watching. I think last night's entry was just one big wake up call. Turn the tube off and let your mind do a little work... So, my mind has been doing just that today.

It started late this morning when a song came to my mind. It's a song that just happened to be on a CD that Hoke gave me. The first time I heard it, I just listened to the music. It's a really interesting electronic sounding song. Turns out that after I listened closely to the words of the song, it is a song that is not only pleasing to the ear, but also to the soul. I mean, the words are so awesome. I'm trying to do a little analysis of the words though, 'cause they are good, but yet, they are sort of confusing. I think most of my OCD about this song is due to the fact that the lyrics (for what I take them as) make up one of the most tender love songs ever... you know, along the lines of The Luckiest by Ben Folds. Oh, and sorry, the name of the song in question is Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.

Okay, so here are the lyrics... I plan on analyzing these... but unfortunately, no matter how I look at these lyrics, they will be that of a love song, and serve no personal meaning to me because I am not in love.

I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.

And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.

And when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon the sending.

and that frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
and this is guiding you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

Yeah... there you go. Beautiful... Beautiful doesn't really even describe the words. I actually mentioned to Tripp about how meaningful these words must have been to him these past 5 months that Bryn has been "out there on the road." So there's the first meaning... it's about a love between two people that are not physically close to each other. I imagine that being excruciating... almost impossible to do... which is also why I am glad that Kalani and Jesse will be together next year. I'm so happy for them.

Anyway, yes... I definitely think that it would be a sign that freckles in eyes match up perfectly during a kiss... once again, an image almost impossible to imagine. This only leads me to ask one question... this can't possibly happen to many people. I mean, think of how many people one individual dates... just in college. I mean, this song is pretty much null and void to a vast majority of people... if the freckles in your eyes are aligning with someone, then you better drop everything and get hitched... that doesn't happen much... you know?

This next stanza... I think might possibly be my favorite. Corresponding puzzle pieces. Once again... this is not talking about a fling, or a little petty less than a few months boyfriend/girlfriend type thing. This is serious love. "Corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay." That is ridiculously deep. That means you were meant to be together. I mean, imagine a love like that... I honestly cannot fathom it. It's just almost too much to think about.

The next verses talk about missing someone... I guess in my case, it is missing this individual, whoever and wherever they may be... "out there on the road."

Then the verse.

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay

I think I just got it. No matter what happens... no matter who says what or what people think, that is a love that is going to last... the two people are all they need... there together "from such great heights." What more is important? They've got aligning freckles in their eyes, they are like corresponding puzzle pieces... I mean, those two are made for each other. God, it's perfect.

It is something everyone should want... one person to complete them THAT much? I mean... I think the reason why people get divorced and break up is prolly because this stuff doesn't happen. If everyone on earth was as happy as these two individuals, regardless of whether they are together or apart, think of how happy everyone would be. I guess that is why even though distance is hard and almost unbearable, staying together is worth it.

If you are say in Florida, and your significant other is in South Carolina, just the mere fact that you know someone out there has freckles in their eyes that align with yours should be enough to help pull you through. As long as you know that God himself made that person into a shape that corresponds with you, nothing else should matter.

I guess this is why I don't agree with the saying "You don't have to be in love, you just have to have love." You do need to be in love. It makes for a healthy heart. Just loving someone is great... I mean, we are supposed to love everyone. I know we don't all do that... but pretty much everyone has the desire to BE in love with one person. Why do people get married? Why do nuns and monks not get married? People get married to show that they have an undying and perfect love for the person they are getting married to. Nuns and monks don't get married because their number one love is God, and that love, to them, is above everything else, including any human on earth.

It's such an amazing song. I mean, I would go so far as to say a perfect song. It clearly talks about a perfect love between two people. It seems like the secret to happiness.

Think about having one person on this planet that was made just for you? Doesn't it just make you smile?

too much tv

OMG. I am sitting in my room with the door open (hang on a minute... you've got to get the whole atmospheric picture to understand this), my desk lamp on, my overhead light off, my blinds open, and it's 8:49 pm... so it's completely dark all around me, except for where I am sitting at this present moment. Plus, it's weird because in this darkness, I am succeptible to just about everything. My room door is open and the blinds are open... so since it's dark outside and my lamp is on, every nosy individual in The Reserve can see me. It's an odd little atmosphere... but I'm in an odd little mood.

All week... well, ever since school ended, I have spent my days and nights watching television. Correction: watching channel 38... Nick Jr., Nickelodeon, Nick at Nite. It's pretty much all I care to watch. So, part of my frustration is the fact that normal television (television for adults and other individuals my age) does not amuse me. I mean, I feel weird watching Blue's Clues and The Backyardigans... but I enjoy them? Am I too much of a teacher type? Ugh! I really only started feeling this way when our new roomie, Doug, moved in yesterday. I was like, "I wonder what he thinks, hearing all this little kiddy music and stuff coming from my room." I PROMISE I am not a pedaphile... yuk, yuk, yuk. I love kids... and I want to see them succeed academically. I think I like those shows because it helps me relate to them... okay... I'm going to stop now before I start sounding any more like Michael Jackson. Ugh...

Anyway, the television is too much for me. I have had enough. And you know, I have missed blogging on a regular basis. Yesterday, I started delightful* back up. It felt good to write so much and be so creative again. I think that I seriously had become a bum...

I have felt just kinda blah... like a bump on a log. Watching TV, not having my mind stimulated in any kinda way whatsoever, sleeping, eating... going downtown...

I guess that is another thing that I have had enough of... I don't even feel like going downtown tonight. In fact, I am going to get a Woodchuck right now, and drink it while I type...

Okay... that's enough of being visible to The Reserve parking lot... I felt like I was being watched. And on top of that, I found some wine in the refrigerator that I started drinking last night that I need to finish, so I don't want to be sitting here in front of the window where everyone can see me drinking wine AND a beer. LOL... but the internet community will know anyway...

But, like I said... downtown. Now, I love Clemson... but downtown Clemson sucks in the summer time. I have been thoroughly unimpressed these past couple of days. Mexi-Monday... Boo. Karaoke at TD's... Boo. I'm not even about to face the tragic crowd at trivia at TTT . I mean, if I could get back the hours of my life I wasted downtown Monday and yesterday, I would... but dang... can't do that...

Was just reading a book that my dad wants me to read called The Best Question Ever by Andy Stanley. It's a good book, and "the best question ever" is actually the best question ever. It was just talking about life and how much time we waste... lemme get an excerpt from it... maybe someone can get something from this little passage...

...Where did all that time go?
The answer: away.
It went away. And there is no way to recover a minute of it. There is no leftover time. It can't be saved up for later. You can't store it. It just goes away. So we all look back and wonder where the time went. It seems like yesterday I was sixteen. Where did my twenties go? Why don't I have more to show for my thirties?

Yeah... it's the truth. I just graduated from college and I have been asking myself... Where did those 4 years go? All the time worrying about petty little things, and being upset with people over stupid stuff, and doing useless unwise things... God, it was fun... LOL. And now, I have time to do that... just about 3 months to get all of the college boy out to make room for Mr. Parks the 4th grade teacher. Am I ready? Not right yet. But, what am I doing? Drinking in the dark by myself... Alcoholism anyone?

No, seriously, I'm not an alcoholic. I was told last week that it is only alcoholism when you are endangering your life, or not taking your friends and/or lovedones into consideration. Right now, I just need this. A little bit of me time with the computer... and a nice green bottle of Woodchuck... the wine was nasty... I just don't like wine.

Anyway, yep. I'm bored, and there isn't much more to talk about. I could delve into that whole LACK OF a relationship mumbo jumbo, but thankfully, I do think that that is one thing that I have learned how to deal with over those 4 lightning fast years of college. I'm single... so fucking what? I mean, seriously... I should really learn to take things as they come. I'm 21... I have lots more TIME in front of me (hopefully). I mean, sure it would be fun to spend the time NOW with a special someone, but that is not of great importance to me. I made it through 4 years of college without 1 single solitary serious relationship. Who am I kidding? I made it through college without 1 single solitary non-serious relationship.

My dad once did a sermon about single men being eunichs or something. I don't really know what the real term or definition is, but I think I like the word. I wouldn't mind being called a eunich. It's cool. It's a lot more uncommon that being called a husband or a boyfriend.

Whatever... what will be will be... what WON'T be WON'T be.

See... too much TV fries your brain and makes you bitter and pessimistic and drink alone in the dark in front of windows with open blinds so everyone can see you... even if all you watch is Blue's Clues and Miss Spider's Sunny Patch.

the end?

Well. Today is May 13... Graduation Day. I can't believe it is here. But, first things first...

A week ago today, I said goodbye to the most wonderful 4th graders ever. I wanted to write about it, but the day was so overwhelming and I knew that writing about them would evoke lots of emotions that I didn't want to have to deal with. But, it was a beautiful Friday, accompanied by the most fun party--and I was the guest of honor. It showed me how much I meant to those kids. I was more than a student teacher. I mean, to realize that besides the fact that I taught them things they will need to know in life, I was there as a role model and friend... and a lot of those students needed just that. I am so blessed to have had that experience. I love those children so much... all of them... from the worst behaved to the most angelic. The 2004-2005 Code Elementary 4th graders will forever remain in my heart.

As for today, I honestly don't know if it's going to be as special as last week. I really think it will all depend on who I am sitting by at graduation. As much as I love college (especially this one), there are a TON of people here. High school graduation was really special because by the end of those 4 years, I had had at least one experience with just about everyone in my graduating class... we only had 250 people. There are so many people graduating today... probably even people I have never seen or heard of. Thankfully, I will be sitting with all of my Elementary Ed majors. All of us have a special bond after block and student teaching. But is it going to be emotional? I mean, I cried like a BIG baby at high school graduation. I couldn't believe it. LOL. It was honestly like something I couldn't control, no matter how hard I tried. I'm just wondering if that will be the case today. If I do, I won't mind, because crying makes me feel normal... like I really am a human.

Also, as much as I love Clemson, sometimes, I don't really know if I do or not. LOL. I'm not one of these crazy rednecks that's always like, "Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo hoo!" And I don't really wear a lot of Clemson stuff. There are things about Clemson and about this area that I honestly think are tragic, and in all my 4 years, I never participated. I dunno. I think that's why I am so cool with leaving. Clemson is great, but yet, so small. There is so much to be experienced.

I am just thankful to be able to say, "I went to Clemson."

...and in doing so, I strove for the highest, and I hit the top.

...bitches. ;-)