green

So I have decided that my color for the moment is green... it is such for many reasons.

First of all, a few weeks, I bought a green hat... the green hat has special meaning for me, ever since Patrick started singing his little remix of Kelis's "Milkshake" song. I love my green hat... even when it doesn't match with anything.

Secondly, green... what a great color for this point of time in my life as well as this point in the year. It's the color of growth. The color that is coming back into the natural spectrum, now that it is getting warmer and plants are starting to bloom and blossom again. Like nature, I have been growing so much this year... and expecially since the beginning of 2006... thanks to a certain douche. Yeah... Anyway, I have learned a lot about myself, and TONS about other people.

Finally, green is the color of Elphaba's skin in Wicked. This green skin scared people away at first, and made people think that she was something terrible, when in reality, in the early part of her life, she was caring and compassionate. Just like me, I used to be such a saccharine sweet type person... always so googly-eyed over lovey dovey stuff... I mean, I guess I still am a little bit, but not as near as much as I was. Just like Elphaba, I am changing... due to things that I learn and experience. Now, my intent is not to become wicked, by any means, but the green of her skin serves as a reminder that no matter what I do go through and whatever is done to me, or what I experience, I shouldn't let it influence me so much, and I should remain true to myself.

See... green. It's a beautiful color.

the worst spring break in the ultraverse

...is in progress.

The only thing that comes to mind is the song lyric, "Never ever have I ever felt so low." Thanks for that, All Saints.

I mean, seriously. It has sucked so bad. I mean, is this really the death of youth? Because it sure does feel like it. It honestly feels like this week had been nothing but a sign telling me that A.) I don't have many friends, B.) the friends I do have have other things to do than hang out with me, C.) being single and living alone is social death.

Believe it or not, I am like TIRED... EXHAUSTED of sitting around and doing nothing. I can't believe it, but I can't wait to go back to school. I can't wait to be in the presence of 17 rowdy children. I can't wait to see my co-workers... the majority of whom are middle aged women. I mean, it's sad that the week of my surgery and spring break combined have sent me into a downward spiral of despair and frustration.

You know, on just about every other front, I am pretty good. No, I'm not in love with anyone... no, I'm not pursuing anyone, no, I have NO prospects whatsoever. But you know what? Forget a relationship. How about some friendship?

Really... I'm just tired of this. So tired, in fact, that I am going back to bed... yes, at 11 am, I am going BACK to bed. There's nothing else to do. No one else to talk to. Even the internet has become depressing. Don't get me started on how lame MySpace and Facebook have become. I effing hate the two of them now. I almost wish I didn't have this computer anymore so I wouldn't go on it at all. It could blow up right now and I would be okay with it.

Anyway, back to bed...

And you know what? Today is Good Friday. Thanks, Jesus for dying for us... today, I kinda feel like I'm right there with you...

breathe... just breathe

Not only is this the song by Anna Nalick that I am listening to, but it is what I have done this week. I have been laid up inside my house for 3 days now, recovering from toe surgery. The surgery was actually an enjoyable experience. The drugs they gave me were phenomenal. LOL. The pain accompaning the recovery has been quite minimal also. I think I probably have a high threshold for pain, but in all honesty, I have forgotten that there is a foreign object in my foot.

Anyway, this week, and having nothing to do has allowed me to breathe... not just literally, but figuratively. I haven't had anything to think about really. I have just been laying around slothfully. At times, I have felt nasty and disgusting because of my situation, but then I realize that I'm not in school, I'm not being bothered with anyone, and my family and a few extremely genuine friends have been available to help me with just about anything.

Ironically, the situation that is ALWAYS at hand hasn't really come up at all. I mean, the anonymity reared a few days ago with a seemingly caring phone call and the threat of a visit, but other than that, things haven't bothered me all that much. I think V E R Y slowly, I am getting over the anonymity. Then again, do you really get over someone that you admit to loving?

ANYWAY, two nights ago, I watched the series finale of Sex and the City. Can we say waterworks? The last 5 minutes of that show had me crying like a broke crack whore in bad need of a hit. I am so friggin' emotional. I need to get over that... 'cause in a way, it's embarrassing. But, as I told one of my good friends the other day, and as I wrote about in the last entry, you need to let that stuff out. If you don't you go crazy.

Speaking of crazy, I am almost at that point. I am tired of eating ready made food, laying on the sofa watching millions of syndicated sitcoms, and traipsing through my house with crutches. I am dying to leave the comfy seclusion of "The Villa." What sucks even more is that the weather has been nothing less than phenomenal. And I KNOW that as soon as I am able to go outside, it's gonna start raining or something. So is my life...

I also haven't taken a shower since Monday morning. I smell terrible. I am going to attempt to shower after I finish this entry. They told me today I can take the bandage off of my foot and begin wearing my air cast thingy again, so hopefully, that will allow for a little more mobility and excitement in my life.

Maybe I needed this week, not only to recover from my toe surgery, but to recover from the past 3 months of my life. Like my toe, my heart was broken, and it needed to be repaired and bandaged. The sad part is that I will potentially be able to walk on my foot later today--I know I won't be able to love or even like for a good while.

Time to breathe is just that... Who knows when time to love will come back around... if it will at all.