Eff that... this blog is getting closer and closer to being THE secret blog each time I write in it. I really don't care. This stuff is deep... and real. So yes, eff that...
Anyway, tonight I went to Clemson and had dinner with Nichole. Before, I had a little caucus with Nick, and after, I had this big "come to Jesus" discussion with Laura. It's so funny how much my friends can make me think. I am truly blessed to have friends that inspire such introspection.
Laura's discussion with me was honestly just what I needed. A sincere talk with an old friend, who wouldn't judge me whatsoever. Ironically, she is only an "old" friend because I haven't seen her since August. But, I truly love her, and I appreciate her for the great friend she has become.
And you know, honestly, we discussed so much that it would be quite difficult to write about any one or even few things she said that really stood out to me. It was just perfect... although, the ride back to Greenville was full of thoughts racing through my head. I kept asking myself questions, kicking myself for things I have done, and trying to coerce myself into doing and not doing certain things.
On the way back, however, a song came into my mind... one that I have always loved and one whose lyrics have made me cry and smile. Right now, they make me uneasy, honestly. I am having a little difficulty believing the words and even understanding them... but as always, the music is what seems to soothe when even the words can't...
Anytime you feel like
You just can't go on
Hold onto my love
And you'll never be alone...
Hold on
We can make it through the fire
And my love
I'm forever by your side
And you know
If you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
You'll never be alone
Hmm... Is that so?
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
this should prolly go in the secret blog...
...but I don't care. The world should know.
I kind of don't like the way things are going right now. No, I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, I'm too much of a pansy to try to do something... I might end up messing up and ending up a vegetable or with only one limb or something.
Anyway, I feel like theres a lot of stuff going on in my mind and in my heart right now... It's weird stuff that is hard to put my finger on really... all I know is that I am tired of a lot of people and a lot of things... about me and just life in general.
In other words, I am trying to find that happy place again... but this time, I think I am the only person who can find it. It can't be brought to me from an outside source... which I think I look to so much. So yeah... that's really about it.
And also, someone just told me to "be blessed." Those simple words uplifted me so much. I seriously just sat here for a minute and glowed.
I hope I will be.
I kind of don't like the way things are going right now. No, I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, I'm too much of a pansy to try to do something... I might end up messing up and ending up a vegetable or with only one limb or something.
Anyway, I feel like theres a lot of stuff going on in my mind and in my heart right now... It's weird stuff that is hard to put my finger on really... all I know is that I am tired of a lot of people and a lot of things... about me and just life in general.
In other words, I am trying to find that happy place again... but this time, I think I am the only person who can find it. It can't be brought to me from an outside source... which I think I look to so much. So yeah... that's really about it.
And also, someone just told me to "be blessed." Those simple words uplifted me so much. I seriously just sat here for a minute and glowed.
I hope I will be.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
faith
Today in church, my dad said something extremely simple, but probably more profound than anything I have ever heard him preach about. He was commenting on faith, and how faith is used even when you are making a cake.
When you make a cake, you put all these ingredients together, and you just have enough confidence in the chemistry of all those things working together that once you pull it out of the oven, it's not just going to be a bunch of flour, milk, sugar, and eggs mixed together, but it will actually be a cake.
Even still, there are some people (accomplished cooks and fabulous culinary artists) who can simply throw stuff together without even measuring it. Ironically, I tend to be one of those people. Now, I'm not saying that I am an incredible cook or anything, but I never measure anything. I always "eyeball" it. I figure, if I attempt my best, and use some common sense, this thing is gonna work out. I don't even have a measuring cup in my kitchen now. I also don't like following recipes. I just throw whatever in that I think is going to make the food taste good and turn out right. Truthfully, I've never had anything turn out a disaster either.
So, does that mean that I have exceptional faith? I dunno. As I was listening to my dad, I thought for a moment that it did mean that I do have really awesome faith. As I think about it now, there are a lot of things that have happened that I just kind of expected to happen. I didn't worry about them a lot. Strangely enough, they were big things... like once in a lifetime things. Not everyday things that could pretty much be considered small stuff.
When it comes to small stuff, I tend to fret a lot. I dunno why. Serisouly, now that I am thinking about it, it is really backwards how I operate like that. The big deals in life, I just go on thinking of as, "it's going to/not going to happen." The little things... I sweat them... a lot.
A wise man once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Another smart individual said, "Everything's small stuff." I dunno why I can't subscribe to that school of thought. The small stuff is the stuff that spazzes me out. I need to chill out on that stuff... you know, let things be... let them happen... "lose control."
Sadly, I have tired from losing control in '06 already. It was really only good for about 2 weeks. Last Monday evening, I kinda regained control in so many ways. I guess it was when I left the happy place I was talking about just 20 minutes before it all came to a screeching halt. I'm just about over all of it, I guess... but this is just another situation where my faith is weak. I ALWAYS have a bunch of issues with this crap... It's like I still have faith, but it's like... I dunno. I can't explain it. The only thing that ever seems to put into words how I really feel about my situation is a line from "Missing the War" by Ben Folds Five:
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
It always gives me goosebumps when I hear those lyrics or even think about those words... How the hell can they be the 8 most perfect words that describe me and my life... and they come from a completely irrelevant song, and a person who I am sure has no clue what is going on in my life or mind...
Anyway... faith. Marinate on that for a little while. And this is about as deep as I will get in here... Usually, this type of stuff goes in the secret blog. Consider yourself lucky...
When you make a cake, you put all these ingredients together, and you just have enough confidence in the chemistry of all those things working together that once you pull it out of the oven, it's not just going to be a bunch of flour, milk, sugar, and eggs mixed together, but it will actually be a cake.
Even still, there are some people (accomplished cooks and fabulous culinary artists) who can simply throw stuff together without even measuring it. Ironically, I tend to be one of those people. Now, I'm not saying that I am an incredible cook or anything, but I never measure anything. I always "eyeball" it. I figure, if I attempt my best, and use some common sense, this thing is gonna work out. I don't even have a measuring cup in my kitchen now. I also don't like following recipes. I just throw whatever in that I think is going to make the food taste good and turn out right. Truthfully, I've never had anything turn out a disaster either.
So, does that mean that I have exceptional faith? I dunno. As I was listening to my dad, I thought for a moment that it did mean that I do have really awesome faith. As I think about it now, there are a lot of things that have happened that I just kind of expected to happen. I didn't worry about them a lot. Strangely enough, they were big things... like once in a lifetime things. Not everyday things that could pretty much be considered small stuff.
When it comes to small stuff, I tend to fret a lot. I dunno why. Serisouly, now that I am thinking about it, it is really backwards how I operate like that. The big deals in life, I just go on thinking of as, "it's going to/not going to happen." The little things... I sweat them... a lot.
A wise man once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Another smart individual said, "Everything's small stuff." I dunno why I can't subscribe to that school of thought. The small stuff is the stuff that spazzes me out. I need to chill out on that stuff... you know, let things be... let them happen... "lose control."
Sadly, I have tired from losing control in '06 already. It was really only good for about 2 weeks. Last Monday evening, I kinda regained control in so many ways. I guess it was when I left the happy place I was talking about just 20 minutes before it all came to a screeching halt. I'm just about over all of it, I guess... but this is just another situation where my faith is weak. I ALWAYS have a bunch of issues with this crap... It's like I still have faith, but it's like... I dunno. I can't explain it. The only thing that ever seems to put into words how I really feel about my situation is a line from "Missing the War" by Ben Folds Five:
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
It always gives me goosebumps when I hear those lyrics or even think about those words... How the hell can they be the 8 most perfect words that describe me and my life... and they come from a completely irrelevant song, and a person who I am sure has no clue what is going on in my life or mind...
Anyway... faith. Marinate on that for a little while. And this is about as deep as I will get in here... Usually, this type of stuff goes in the secret blog. Consider yourself lucky...
Thursday, January 19, 2006
forget it
Forget everything I said about a happy place.
Ironically, that happy place ceased to exist about 20 minutes after I wrote that blog entry.
It's just that it has taken me about this long to forget it for myself.
Ironically, that happy place ceased to exist about 20 minutes after I wrote that blog entry.
It's just that it has taken me about this long to forget it for myself.
Monday, January 16, 2006
rumor has it
Okay, so I saw a good movie tonight. It was Rumor Has It. It was a twisted love story, but a good one regardless. I think the biggest thing I got from it is that people do things and they make mistakes, and they have relationships that are sometimes meaningless, but when it comes down to it, when one enters into a meaningful relationship, they can tell. It was a pretty good message.
I don't have an incredible lot to report, unfortunately. I know that I have been really slack in here, and I feel pretty bad about that. But, ironically, a lot of things are going on in my life that require some provate contemplation, therefore, the secret blog is blowin' up right now (not really, but it is being used more than this one).
But in all honesty, for once, I don't feel like writing about the big thing that is going on in my life. I dunno why... like there's something different about it or something??? I really don't know. I mean, I used to talk about it all the time, but for some reason, I feel as if I write about it, it will just become trite jibber jabber like most of the stuff I publish is.
I dunno. Maybe this is just a sign that I am really growing up. In a way, I feel like pouring out all my thoughts in here is a little juvenile. I really don't know.
Just so I won't leave you people who read this in too much suspense, just know that I am in a happy place. That's really all I can say. :)
I don't have an incredible lot to report, unfortunately. I know that I have been really slack in here, and I feel pretty bad about that. But, ironically, a lot of things are going on in my life that require some provate contemplation, therefore, the secret blog is blowin' up right now (not really, but it is being used more than this one).
But in all honesty, for once, I don't feel like writing about the big thing that is going on in my life. I dunno why... like there's something different about it or something??? I really don't know. I mean, I used to talk about it all the time, but for some reason, I feel as if I write about it, it will just become trite jibber jabber like most of the stuff I publish is.
I dunno. Maybe this is just a sign that I am really growing up. In a way, I feel like pouring out all my thoughts in here is a little juvenile. I really don't know.
Just so I won't leave you people who read this in too much suspense, just know that I am in a happy place. That's really all I can say. :)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
2006
The motto for the year is lose control in '06.
Let's discuss for just a moment.
I have taken this motto from Missy Elliott's song of the same name, which has become a party anthem for my friends and I as of late. There aren't many great dance songs right now, but Los Control is definitely a "get krunk" type song. I mean, it is the perfect club song... just do what it says: "Everybody here, get it out of control. Get your backs off the wall 'cause Misdemeanor says so..."
In "losing control" in a life aspect, one might think that it's a bad thing. Like, if you lose control of your car, you crash. If you lose control of your finances, you go in the hole. If you lose control at work, you lose your job. I'm not talking about stuff like that. Because honestly, when I look at those things in my life, I am in complete control (except the fact that my utility bill is almost $300 for the past month... hello! Losing control!!!). But sometimes, when I think of my social life and my LACK of a love life, I am a little too uptight. Not that I am a party pooper or that I am no fun. I just think sometimes, my pretentiousness and insecurities get in the way... I know, right? BIG oxymoron.
How can I be pretentious and insecure at the same time? Well, first off, I am insecure... about a lot of things that I'm not even going to delve into. So, in being insecure about those things, I tend to rest on the things that I DO have going for me. So, while at times I'm like, "Geez, I suck because of yadda yadda yadda," I am also like, "Ugh, I am so above this." It's weird, I know.
So this year, in 2006, my goal is first of all, get rid of my insecurities... By doing that, hoefully, the pretentiousness will be more healthy and deserved (because, lets face it... I enjoy being amongst the upper eschelon of society). The only way to do so, is to lose control. Not dwell so much on why I feel that I'm not so and so because of such and such. Does that make sense?
So basically, I'm going to try to be more carefree. That's what losing control is all about: not harping on things that you really can't change or things that you can change that you just don't have the motivation or drive to change. If you DO want something to change bad enough, then instead of LOSING control, you have to TAKE control.
So there... that is my philosophical spill for the year... and as for 2006 so far, I've "lost control" pretty well. :)
Let's discuss for just a moment.
I have taken this motto from Missy Elliott's song of the same name, which has become a party anthem for my friends and I as of late. There aren't many great dance songs right now, but Los Control is definitely a "get krunk" type song. I mean, it is the perfect club song... just do what it says: "Everybody here, get it out of control. Get your backs off the wall 'cause Misdemeanor says so..."
In "losing control" in a life aspect, one might think that it's a bad thing. Like, if you lose control of your car, you crash. If you lose control of your finances, you go in the hole. If you lose control at work, you lose your job. I'm not talking about stuff like that. Because honestly, when I look at those things in my life, I am in complete control (except the fact that my utility bill is almost $300 for the past month... hello! Losing control!!!). But sometimes, when I think of my social life and my LACK of a love life, I am a little too uptight. Not that I am a party pooper or that I am no fun. I just think sometimes, my pretentiousness and insecurities get in the way... I know, right? BIG oxymoron.
How can I be pretentious and insecure at the same time? Well, first off, I am insecure... about a lot of things that I'm not even going to delve into. So, in being insecure about those things, I tend to rest on the things that I DO have going for me. So, while at times I'm like, "Geez, I suck because of yadda yadda yadda," I am also like, "Ugh, I am so above this." It's weird, I know.
So this year, in 2006, my goal is first of all, get rid of my insecurities... By doing that, hoefully, the pretentiousness will be more healthy and deserved (because, lets face it... I enjoy being amongst the upper eschelon of society). The only way to do so, is to lose control. Not dwell so much on why I feel that I'm not so and so because of such and such. Does that make sense?
So basically, I'm going to try to be more carefree. That's what losing control is all about: not harping on things that you really can't change or things that you can change that you just don't have the motivation or drive to change. If you DO want something to change bad enough, then instead of LOSING control, you have to TAKE control.
So there... that is my philosophical spill for the year... and as for 2006 so far, I've "lost control" pretty well. :)
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