...because it's been a while since I have talked about ANYTHING. Last time I wrote in here, Smouse was the topic of discussion. This time, it's not going to be... We are going to tackle one of the many Ham Rules. Rule Number 9: No Self-Proclaimed Crushes. I tend to break this rule a lot. One may consider me spineless, or passive as some have said, but for some reason, I tend to break this rule a lot... this one which goes alont with Rule Number 4, The Alicia Keys Rule: Don't Fall. Yeah. I suck at these two. But I was thinking this weekend (for some VERY ODD reason, being on away band trips makes me think about things like this), what's so wrong with having a crush. I mean, I'm not saying that I have one or not. What I am saying is, I feel like I have behaved pretty well... Since being 21 and back at school, I haven't let emotional ish really drag me down a lot... I mean, the only thing that is pretty sad is my AIM profile... but it basically just gives a visual representation of a song lyric that I really relate to. Actually, I don't relate to This Year's Love at all. There is once again no love this year. Oh well. I have decided that is probably the way it is going to be.
I remember in 12th grade... like it was yesterday. We were in Teacher Cadets and Mr. T asked how many of us thought we would probably get married. I was the only one that didn't raise my hand. I have this sense... it's weird. Not just about marriage, but everything. If I can't see something in my mind happening, then I can pretty much tell it's not going to happen. Most of the time I usually apply it to taking trips and stuff. If I can't forsee it happening, I don't really look forward to it. Honestly, I never see anyone returning love for me in the way that I give them love. Like, I can see Kate and Deni walking down the aisle... I can even see my 30-something year old Aunt Irene getting married. But I can't see me doing it. Not just that, but I can't see myself even dating anyone. As sad as it sounds... I think it's the truth.
How do I feel about this? Well... it sucks. It sucks really bad. But, nuns and monks never marry. Maybe I am to be in the number with them. But that leads me to another question... Is there really anything wrong with self proclaimed crushes and falling? I mean, I know nothing is ever going to happen. So if I give into the attraction, nothing is harmed right. I have already told myself that I'm going to end up being a loner (a loner in a very posh home wearing really nice clothing, mind you). There really isn't anything wrong with crushing or falling.
But frankly, it's just not very attractive... to see someone swooning over someone else. It becomes annoying and frustrating... not just for onlookers, but for the person crushing. I'm not ever doing that again. I swear from this moment (9:11 pm on Sunday September, 19, 2004). No crushing. As for falling... you can't really help that. It's a bitch, it is... but there are some things about people that just make a spot in your heart tickle when you think about them... Honestly, I had a dream last night about someone... they sang a song. Not to me, but they sang... I feel that singing is one of the most beautiful forms of expression. When I heard this individual sing, it was beautiful... I cry when some people sing... I just do. I can't take it. Some people's singing evokes emotion within me. I woke up and wanted to cry. It was only a dream... the person prolly can't sing at all... but they sang in my dream.
Anyway... call it falling... I'm not going to crush anymore. Or maybe that's backwards... don't fall, but it's okay to crush... because in all seriousness, crushing is pretty innocent. People crush on movie stars. They can't really fall for movie stars. Falling would entail knowing someone and wanting to be with them. Crushing is pretty much just a feeling felt at a distance... you see someone walking on campus and they are cute, so you crush. Yeah. So no FALLING. Crushing... that's what you can't help. As for my particular situation with this singer... is that falling or crushing? Singing, to me, is a big deal. Hellifiknow. Nothing is going to happen. Just another notch on the old oak log. Another crush that won't turn into anything but a grain of sand in my hourglass of life.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
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3 comments:
Hamiliton,
I think it's just the season of doomed crushes, love, whatever you'd like to call it, because the same feeling has been going around Charleston. So in your senitments that you just posted, don't feel alone - I understand, big brother. -Mandy
I hope it wasn't Britney Spears because she got married this weekend.
-Smouse
You know what Ham...I think the problem could be that you are too familiar with your surroundings now. It's senior year and you've been hanging out with the same people (give or take a few) since freshman year. That's not a bad thing at all...but maybe you need a change of scenery AND people. Maybe it's a good thing it's your senior year, because you get to leave next year and explore all new surrounds and people. I know a lot of people who have been in band as long as we have but never dated a band person just because they have been around them so much. With Bryan, I met him as Art's roomate, and even when he got in band I never hung out with him through band until we started dating. So what I am saying is in order to find someone (but by all means DON'T LOOK) you need to get around some new people. I'm not saying discard the old ones (that would be a sad face) just try and meet some new ones.
-Erin
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