drew's birthday

It's late... really late. It's 2 am. I have 2 exams in the morning. I have NOT written in here in a while. So this late night entry is justified.

My friend Drew who I don't see very often at all turned 21 at midnight. He IMed me at about 9:30 to see if I would go downtown with him. I said sure even though I was home sick today and have my exams in the morning. I felt bad... it seemed as if he wasn't going to have anyone to go downtown with. So I went.

Drew and I always have really good, deep conversations. It's ironic seeing how we don't talk much... we are both really busy and when we do talk it's usually online. But when we do get a chance to see each other in person, we always talk about deep philosophical stuff.

Tonight, he asked how I was doing and stuff, and I said I was okay, but no one really understands me. He said he felt the same way, but he thought he could figure me out. Then he asked if I really would want to be understood, because knowing everything about someone is the difference between being a human being and being God. It made me think, but in the end, I answered that I do want someone to know all about me.

Isn't t hat what companionship is? Knowing everything about someone? I think my parents know everything about each other... seriously. Its a kind of relationship that is even closer than that of a parent and child... children are always going to hide things from their parents, but a true loving and honest marriage has no secrets. They know everything about each other.

So yes. I want someone to know all about me. But, once again, I know that person probably doesn't exist.

Since they don't exist, I stopped living by the words of This Year's Love. Yes, I have been waiting on my own too long... and I'm still waiting, obviously. What's the point in reminding myself that I am just waiting. Just today, I have been drawn to song lyrics that talk about believing (all American Idol songs, ironically). I want to believe... and I like these songs. So I'll hold on to these for a while. Whether I really believe or not, I can't tell. Truthfully, I don't believe... but that just sounds so horrible. So... I dunno.

This one song that I am listening to now, Dreams, talks about how we are just made of dreams. I mean, I do dream about it... is that believing enough? I honestly cannot sit here and say that without a shadow of a doubt I believe someone is out there for me. But I can say that I have dreamt and do dream of someone... so is that believing? It's the only hope I have I guess.

It would be so much more relaxing if I could just give up completely and not even think about it... not even dream about it. Then I wouldn't have to even wonder if I did believe.

See... I'm too confusing for someone to understand. No. I don't believe.