new beginning

I think I'm going to have to start writing in here a lot more. I suppose I have what they would call "back-up?" There's a lot of stuff on my plate... or, a lot of stuff in my mind... or, a lot of stuff that I just have built up...

Honestly, it is beginning to feel the way it did kinda earlier this year. But, I have to make a promise to myself that I won't EVER with ANYONE in ANY situation allow myself to be that way again... ridiculously passive and fragile... like a papier mache... THING. I mean, where my whole world was turned upside down, not because of anyone elses doing, but my own for lack of a better word, RETARDEDNESS.

I had come to the realization that I had a problem. And I suppose that I told myself that I was going to try to work on that problem... to change it... to not let uncertainty bother me. But alas, once more, it has gotten the best of me. I have this flaw that no news is bad news... and also that I can't read people... ANYONE.

Like I said, I thought that I had been trying to work on this problem. But no, here I am again.

I was even proud of myself for talking to Katherine and telling her from the point of view of a LOSER as myself, that the best way to deal with someone, whether you like them or not, is be completelty up front and lay it all out there... no holds barred, because both parties will appreciate the honesty, and if in fact, the pair is not meant to be, the individual that is let down is let down with a little more dignity and grace. Yet, at this present state, that couldn't be further from what I want.

But, if this is a new beginning and I have been "changed for the better," I suppose it's time to grow up and face the music. I've been through tough shit... this should/will be nothing...