the second beginning

Well, from the looks of my last blog entry, one could assume that not only was I coming to the end of hopelessness and all that other stuff, but I was coming to the end of my blogging days completely. That is far from the case. For the past 2 months, I haven't blogged at all... who knows the true reason why. I will say that part of the reason was my involvement in an r-thingy... the r-thingy mentioned in the last entry. Ironically, about a month after I wrote that entry, the r-thingy ceased. I won't lie... unlike the other party involved... it was pleasant while it lasted... and it didn't even end on extremely tragic terms. The end was tragic though... and sharing the title of tragic is my elusive ex.

So, if you haven't gathered yet, I am over it. I have been over it for a while now... I mean, there has been so much other stuff going on anyway... My 23rd birthday, Kate and Deni's FABULOUS wedding, the beginning of school and my INCREDIBLE class, my grad school classes, reconnecting with my amazing friends from Clemson. Forget summertime romances... and romances in general. Also, forget people who need way more than I have to offer in the first place...

Anyway... enough of that.

The main reason why I decided to plop down and start writing tonight is probably because of the point that I have come to in my life. I have gone through ridiculous SHIT this year. There is no need to hide or mask anything. 2006 has been an atrocity of a year. Unfortunately, it is only 3/4 of the way done. I have the fall to worry about now. So far things are good... pretty stagnate and a little boring... but whatever. That's good.

Earlier today, I thought of how good it felt to not be interested in anyone and not have to try to impress anyone or trying to read anyone. I look back at times earlier this year and earlier in life and think about how much of a priority it was for me to be into someone... or have someone remotely into me. It's more trouble than it's worth really. It's tiring... vexxing even. I think that I have come to this place where first of all, I hardly trust anyone (thanks, jerk), and find relationships to be luxuries, not necessities. I know my parents would highly disagree, but I doubt they have been through the mess that I have been through.

It's kinda sad... that I'm 23 and I've pretty much just stopped. I told Steven that last week... "I'm done." And I know I've said it before, but this time, I think I'm pretty sure that I mean it. Actually, I told Steven that I am ruined. Yeah. Ruined definitely describes me at this point. Things that used to make my heart swell with emotion now just make me snicker a little bit--questioning their validity.

Even at Kate and Deni's wedding... an event that at any other time would make me cry like a baby just made me grin. I felt like a dumbass cheshire cat. I can do without acts of kindness and sweet sappy movies like I used to like. It all seems frivolous and fake now. Everything that sounds remotely loving seems to have the taint of dishonesty.

So, let me wrap this up before instead of being cold hearted, I end up sounding like I have no heart at all... this is the second beginning. Not of my life... forget that. I have tried to start over tons of times. I tried to start fresh at the beginning of this year... remember that? "Lose control in '06"? Well, I sure as hell lost it. No sense in trying to regain it or even "TAKE control in THE FALL of '06." I'm simply going to keep on as if Hamilton is the only dude in the world. I have been pretty self centered lately, and judging from how vulnerable I have made myself in the past and how much I think about how others percieve me and who likes me and yadda yadda yadda, that hasn't been an incredibly selfish thing to do. So often I don't give myself enough credit.

Also, I really like the motto that Tiger Band is using this year. It's from Rent. "No Day But Today." That's so true. There is in essence, no day but today... and no one more important today but me.

This is the second beginning...

...and "it's all about the Hamiltons, baby."