and at the end of the day, blue is still blue...

So I just got back from New Jersey... like seriously only 30 minutes ago. I am really tired, but in a really thoughtful mood... so, here goes.

I really do think my parents loathe me... and for good reason. Apparently, I am nothing that they raised me to be. I am not respectful, too logical, and don't present myself well... according to them, that is. Once when I was home, I was told that I didn't participate in things with the family enough... like when I came home, all I did was sit at the computer (I can't help it, i like to write). Well, it seems that everytime a conversation (CONVERSATION, NOT ARGUMENT) started on this weekend's trip, it turned into something negative. I don't mind talking to them, I just think that they don't realize that when I talk, I am doing just that... TALKING. I have no intention on getting into a heated argument. I can't even think of one specific incident where this occurred... but all you need to know is that it happened.

I suppose that covers how I am disrespectful... my conversations are apparently taken as me "talking back." They just got done warning me that it was inapporpriate to talk back to people older than me in the real world. Do they really think that I am going to carry on like that with people who are in positions above me? I mean, I would assume that in a CONVERSATION with my parents, a little humorous arrogance would be welcome. I guess not... so once again, back to the computer when I am at home for extended periods of time.

Anyway, that leads me to how I present myself. This was nothing more than insulting. Seriously. My parents think that I am incapable of dressing appropriately. I found this out when I went to church in my brown sandals... or flip flops as my mom informed me. You know, they were the nice brown kind... not like electric blue and green or anything. I wore them with my khakis, brown belt, and brand new J. Crew yellow polo shirt. This apparently and all of a sudden, is inappropriate for church... ALL MY LIFE, I have been told that for church, God welcomes you to "come as you are." I mean, if I was coming as I was, I think I was coming pretty nicely. I have to admit, I would have liked to wear shoes, but I didn't pack any and when I went to the mall to find some, I didn't see any that I liked. So, I ATTEMPTED to go to church in my sandals, but my mom made me put on my brothers Firkenstocks (yes, Firkenstocks with an F... they are so knock offs). Anyway, at brunch later that afternoon, I was informed that I am to always wear a tie to church... THAT IS THE REASON WHY PEOPLE DON'T GO TO CHURCH RIGHT THERE!!! 'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE TOO HUNG UP ON WHAT PEOPLE ARE WEARING (this has lead me to a breakthrough in my Christianity, which I will address shortly). Anyway, my dad told me to ask my godfather, who is the GM of the Hyatt we were staying at, who would get farther in an interview, J. Crew me, or the model tie wearing black Baptist church member Donovan. Larry said, "Well, Donovan would definitely get farther in the interview." Yes. Thank you, Larry. Honestly though, if I was coming to interview at the Hyatt, I would wear a tie... but WAS I? NO! And I didn't dare bring this point to my dad's attention, because that would have been considered reasoning... which I do too much of. SO... I have come to tell myself, instead of Teddy Roosevelt's "Speak softly and carry a big stick," "Don't speak at all and carry a duffle bag full of humility." It just doesn't make any sense to try to carry on a conversation with them if all I am going to do is be considered disrespectful and too logical. My dad says that I will argue my way out of a paper bag... I DON'T ARGUE WITH PEOPLE! If anything, he should know how much of a personal person that I am... if it weren't for this blog, so many people would really not know how to take me... then again, I can talk to my friends without them thinking I'm trying to argue with them.

Lastly, my Christianity... I have decided from this trip, that I cannot stand the whole be like everyone else mindset. Yes, I am a Christian, but I am no where as devout as my dad the Master of Divinity and my mom the preacher's wife. I feel like I have to be as praying out loud and Bible reading as them... I shouldn't have to feel that way. In all honesty, I believe that a person's relationship with God is just that... THEIRS. No one should feel obligated to do anything. Like, my mom... she always tells me that when I'm in church I should smile. WHY SHOULD I SMILE WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT? I am sitting there listening to what is going on... why should I paint on the grin of a Cheshire cat... so other people in the audience can look at me and say, "Lawd'a mercy that boy's got the spirit comin' outta his ears! JEEEESUS, look at that smile! Hallelujah!" Frankly... I don't care what Sista So-and-so says about me... I go to church for God... not to parade around in leatheri shoes and a silk tie or so everyone can see my Crest smile.

Okay. I think I'm done. I said all of that to say, "and at the end of the day, blue is still blue." Blue is my favorite color and it is something that defines me. In the color blue I find peace and happiness. I could honestly stare smiling at a cloudless sky all day long (I guess that is how you could get me to smile in church). Just like blue is my favorite color, and day in and day out it will remain blue, I will be me... regardless of what anyone says. I hate that I come off as disrespectful and too logical, but it isn't my intention... I can only be me.