birth of a badass

"Everyone likes a badass."

Words that haunt my ears at the present moment.

Alan visited this weekend... and he told me that my tragic flaw is that I am too nice. UGH. What was all that shit that I went through back during junior year in KKPsi. I thought the scars from that second semester made me enough of a punk. Apparently not.

I also thought that the bourgeoise comments I tend to make about people, their homes, and their educations was pretty bad ass as well. Alas, no.

Just as I was told in high school, and the early college years, I am a fucking nice guy that can only be seen as "the friend."

WELL, FUCK THAT. Seriously.

So, I am nice. Well, I do believe that the last 2 months, on top of other stupid shit that has just built up in my life will allow me to truly say a big "fuck you" to a particular someone, among a plethora of other lesser individuals that I have had the displeasure of entertaining as associates in my life.

This is the birth of a badass... This is me being angry for all the times I've been lied to, led on, fucked around with, thought of as just "the friend," shat on, bitched out, punked, walked on, called out, made fun of, rejected, scorned, stood up, taken advantage of, talked down to, criticized, condemned... all of that crucial shit. And it has ALL happened to me. Much of it by just one or a few people.

Y'all can all get hit by a CAT bus... and then have a 3 point turn executed on you.

I don't care. I'm all about getting even now. For about 23 years, I have lived my life as the son of a baptist preacher and a social worker. I was raised to be polite, caring, compassionate, and courteous. The thing my parents failed to tell me was that being as such would get me treated like a peon. You know, all of their guidance has gotten me this far. I graduated from school... I have a job... I have a house. But now it's time to play by society's rules a little bit. Funny thing is, all that advice from them and being all perfect and angelic really did do a lot of good in my younger years. I've never been arrested, or in jail, and I have never lost a job or flunked out of school either. Those were the guidelines for growing up. So, I made it. I grew up. Now it's time to be a grown up... and even as the Bible says "act peacefully if at all possible."

Well, damn... it ain't possible with these fuckers running around on the streets today. Everyone is out for their own self gratification... That isn't what I am planning on doing with my newfound badassness.... I just plan on "acting peacefully if at all possible..." and then to hell with everyone else who doesn't act peacefully with me. I'm not gonna be a punk.

Another funny thing about all of this is the fact that some people think of Hamilton as "the rock" who can withstand beating and badgering... who will stay there regardless... kinda like something timeless. I imagine some people think of me like, "Oh, Hamilton won't mind," or, "He'll get over it," or, "I can do it this way, because it's only Hamilton."

Well, asphyxiate, motherfucker. The rock's got fucking sharp edges.

So fuck y'all... all of y'all.
If y'all don't like me, blow me.
-Dr. Dre

wedding rings

Ha. So I just realized that if one reads this blog regularly and they saw that the last entry was extremely vague but mentioned unmentionables in the secret blog, the title of this entry might startle a few people. Ha. But then again, if one reads this, they know that I would be the last person mentioning wedding rings in the sense of ME wearing one.

The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.

I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.

This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.

Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.

Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.

You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.

That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.

I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.

Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.

...pathetic.

So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.

Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...

..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.

So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...

Anyway...

...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.

And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...

...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.

ooh, shit, y'all...

...the secret blog is blowin' up!

Just thought you'd like to know... what you're missing.

CORRECTION: how much you're missing.

PAT

...that's all her Dollar General name tag says. This one lady might have been the sweetest person I came in contact with today.

I love all the ladies that work at my neighborhood Dollar General. Yeah, I know it's cheap to shop there, but I am not exactly rolling in the dough. I LOVE DG. I basically go there for my toiletries and stuff... you know, lotion, hair product, bandaids... stuff like that.

Well, today after school I went in there. I wasn't necessarily tired or in an extremely bad mood... I just had to stay at work longer for a meeting (I hardly ever go home angry anymore... I love my kids). Anyway, I go in, and the first person I see is Pat... tall, skinny, tan, with crinkly flat hair.

"How, you doin', hunnie?" she said. I was immediately in a state of euphoria. I love when sweet women call me honey... or in this case, "hunnie." See, there is a difference. It's in the way you say the second grapheme. "-ny" or "-nie." BIG difference there.

Anyway, I go get my two little things and wait for her to check me out.

"Hey, hunnie, is this gonna be it?... That'll be $4.20, sweetie."

Excitement time's THREE... she called me hunnie first, then sweetie, and my total came to $4.20 (which in immense irony is becoming my new favorite number... I'm always looking at the clock at 4:20, or purchasing exactly 4.20 gallons of gas, or buying something that comes to exactly $4.20, or getting change that is exactly $4.20)!!!

Anyway, finally, she was like, "$15.80 is your change, you have a good afternoon and you come back to see us, okay, hunnie?"

AAAAHHHH!!! The LOVE.

She doesn't know the influence she has on customers. I love her. She is so perfect, and I want to go back JUST to see her again.

I heart Pat.

See... Love. It's a simple thing...

tingle

In a way, this COULD be an extremely trite journal entry. But, due to numerous previous events, a few specific previous events, and the intensity that I am feeling at the present moment, I am going to try my damndest NOT to make this a run-of-the-mill trite ass blog entry.

This weekend, I went to Myrtle Beach. There is something to be said about my company on the trip, but I'm not going to say it. Anyway, I went to Myrtle Beach, and had an awesome time visiting my friend, Alan. I learned probably more about Alan than ANYONE would ever want to know, but honestly, it made me appreciate him even more. It sucks that I just met him a few months ago, and he has already moved away. It's okay though, because it is definitely a reason to go to the beach!

Anyway, one of the many stories Alan told us, was about his very close friend, Steve, who was shot and killed last summer. Steve was our age, and it was an untimely death. I could sympathize due to the loss of Royster last March. Steve, in his death, has meant more to Alan and honestly me than he probably ever did in life. Alan has such a great spiritual life because of Steve and how he had to look to God in order to cope with his death. This story among others made the trip to Myrtle Beach so much more meaningful than just a weekend romp in a cool place.

Alan also introduced me to a truly amazing music group: Keane. The CD he let us listen to, "Hopes and Fears" is insanely "crucial" as Alan says. I can't even begin to explain the intensity of the mixture of music and lyrics. Ben Folds is incredibly talented when it comes to his piano playing and his comical but true matter-of-fact lyrics, and Anastacia just has an insanely powerful voice, but these guys in Keane... they know how to put it all together. The only way I can describe the music is with the title of this entry: tingle.

When I hear the songs (especially Steve's song, "Bedshaped") that is what happens. Tingling. Being a musician and someone who is highly familiar with the charming capabilities of music, I know that tingling to be movement. When you tingle when you hear a song, that is you being stirred by the music: moved. The only reason I am allowing the term "tingle" to be used when the word "moved" is probably more fitting and meaningful is because at the sound of the song, the anonymity known as my company on the trip said, "Everytime I hear that song, I tingle." It wasn't an incredibly astounding statement. I mean, I agree completely. It's just the fact that the song did the same thing to me... it made me "tingle." And it just made me think... we were on the same page...

Isn't music just incredible like that? Just when you think that someone may have no clue where you are coming from, they share the same emotional attachment to a song as you. In this particular case, just when you think that someone can't really have an emotional attachment to anything.

Well, now that I am back from the beach and Keane's lyrics have haunted me all day, I have also acquired the CD. I told myself regardless of the things I should really be spending my money on, I was going to get this CD if it was the last thing I did. Ironically, as I went to the CD store after school, I got a phone call from the anonymity known as my company on the trip: "Guess where I am? I am buying that CD. I'm at a music store downtown, and I think I'm getting the last one."

Ha.

I was at a music store... that ALSO had only ONE copy left. Right now, it is playing in the background.

Remember, what I said? Nothing trite about this entry. While it may just seem like once again, the lyrics of a song have hit me right to the core, the lyrics in this song stretch through my core, the anonymity's core, and Steve's core. This music truly defines the great gift of music, and all the other amazing things music entails.

This music makes you tingle.

death of the shoes

The shoes are gone.

You know what I hate? Wasting large portions of my life on one particular person... or in this case, footwear.

And I also hate looking back and thinking, "Damn. I went all googly-eyed over some damn K-Swiss."

The moral here: BUY your own damn shoes. Stay away from "free" K-Swiss shoes. And, be patient... shoes will go on sale... shoes will go out of style... eventually, the most perfect shoes will go on clearance and you will have just enough money to get them.

Honestly, though... I can't believe that now, I can't get the last 2 months of my life back. All over some damn K-Swiss...

"shoes": the finale

Hellifireallyknow if this is the finale. I just know that I am tired of these DAMN shoes. I know it's a friggin' roller coaster... I like the shoes... I hate the shoes... the shoes get on my nerves... I love the shoes... the shoes give me bunions...

Right now, I almost* wish the shoes were never in my life. I wish I didn't like the shoes. I wish that I could be content with some $1.99 BoBos... or barefoot. I hate the shoes. In fact, I hate ALL shoes. I hate the fact that people NEED shoes in order to live. Or do we really need shoes in order to live?

No. We don't.

And you know what? I prayed to God that He would take away my desire for my particular pair of shoes... and ALL shoes, frankly. I'm tired of wanting shoes just cause everyone else has some.

But like I said, I doubt this is TRULY the finale about the shoes. Tomorrow starts the beginning of a 3 day weekend... so I know the shoes will be somewhere around. They always show up when I am going out or something...

...but you know what... this IS the shoe finale. Because I am tired of talking about the shoes as "shoes."

Fuck it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm "sick and tired of always being sick and tired."

*some sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling... 3rd party intervention type thing is not letting me have much of any say in what I should LOGICALLY think and do. It is something that I am finding to be highly frustrating and burdensome, and as poetically beautiful as it could be, I wish it would leave me the hell alone and come back when it is ready to work itself all the way through. I wrote about this sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling 3rd party intervention type thing in the secret blog... so here's to more vagueness...

tomorrow's the day...

...that I dislike a lot.

I just figured I would document the eve of the day with what's going on in my head...

Okay, so I lied. There is too much going on to focus.

I will say this though... Alan did this tarot card reading thing with me on Friday night... and you should know that I am mos' def a Christian. However, those things always amaze me, because something about them is real... in some way or another.

The cards said a lot of stuff... among all the stuff, one thing it said was watch the structure of my house... So, apparently The Villa is in danger of falling down.

It also said that something big was about to happen in my life... and that someone isn't as they seem... hrmph. This is kinda what is plaguing me. As for the big thing happening, I am hoping it has something to do with my place of employment for next school year. As for the sketchy person... it could be one of a few people right now... this plagues me a lot, because I think I tend to trust people a little too much sometimes...

It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time I started listening to myself... like I encouraged Steven to do last night. How hypocritical of me...

...but seriously, I should start listening to myself a little better... I am my date for tomorrow...

more about the "shoes"

A quick update on the shoes...

Both Friday and Saturday night, I had an encounter with those shoes again... Both nights, I looked at them with adoration. I didn't put them on. I guess because I was getting used to the fact that they were there but pretty much useless since in my heart I knew it wasn't right to parade around in something that wasn't mine.

Oh, by the way, all last week, the shoe salesman harassed me as I walked by... smiling and waving like, "Hey, person with the shoes! How are they working out for you?! Do you like them? I bet that's awesome to have some new shoes. You wanna come see other shoes we carry like those?" That shoe guy, I tell you what... he's so confusing.

Well, today, I told myself, "So the shoes aren't yours. You HAVE to go to that raggedy shoe man and be like, 'Take the shoes back or take my money. I'm not going to keep these things if they aren't rightfully mine.'"

So, I did just that. Well... kinda. I went up to the shoe man and was like, "These shoes did not come from you, so you DON'T want money for them? Correct?" He was like, "Well... The shoes are from here... but they were free... a buy one get one free type thing. Someone bought the first pair and didn't want this second pair, so I figured you would like them. I saw you come around every few days looking at them, so I decided you should have them. The really are no charge. Is that okay?" I figured it was okay.

So I went home and took the shoes out and looked at them once again... I thought to myself, "So I got some free shoes... But that is really kinda weird that the shoe guy just gave me someone else's shoes. LOL. It works though. They are mine, but they were actually someone else's... the shoes were a regift." ( I had to put my own label on the shoes... not mine, not someone else's, not the shoe guy's... but a regift)

So, will we be seeing more of the shoes? I dunno. I think it's too early to tell... I don't want to get them dirty or anything...

"shoes"

So very sorry to have bored you with my last few entries... I think Freddie said it best when he labled it "shitacular." I love that word. And honestly, he called it exactly what it was... shitacular.

My predicament hasn't gotten worlds better or anything, I'm just tired of wallowing in it. It's confusing, and frustrating... and as Steven would say, "hella" crazy. Frankly, I'm tired of hella craziness.

So this entry is meant, if anything, to make fun of the situation...

Let's say that I saw something in the store that I wanted... a pair of really hot shoes. I saw them back in like early December... maybe even November. But, stupid me, I was too much of a pansy to spend a little extra money to buy them. So I walked past the shoe store once a week, oogling the shoes, wishing there was some way to let someone know that I liked them... 'cause maybe I could get them for Christmas.

Well, Christmas came and went... no shoes. However, on New Years, the shoes magically appeared on my front doorstep. I mean, it was so bizarre, that for a while, I didn't know what to do. I let them just sit there on my doorstep, as I came and left.

Eventually, I picked them up and brought them inside. But I told myself, I shouldn't wear them unless I find out who gave them to me and/or I pay for them, so I just put them in my closet.

Well, about a week after New Years, I sat there staring at them. I couldn't help it. I put a shoe on... not both, just one. It felt good, but not right. So, I took it off and sat the shoes out in front of my bed... in plain sight. I didn't wear them.... I just looked at them.

Well, a week later, I went to try the shoes again... but even though I was ready for them, I couldn't find them. It's like they vanished. I was pissed... until I found them the next day...

...when I put them on. I put them on all the way. SO COMFORTABLE. I couldn't stand it almost. At that point, I was sold on the shoes. I was willing to pay for them without truly knowing their origin. So I went to go and pay for them... but then, when I went to the shoe store, I found out that the shoe salesman didn't want my money. He was like, "Yes, we sell those shoes, but you don't need to pay for them. In fact, I don't even know if they were bought from this store."

At this... I was so distressed... I am not the type of person to wear shoes that don't RIGHTFULLY belong to me. And also, the nerve of that shoe salesman! Who wouldn't take money, even when they didn't deserve it... then again, I wasn't willing to take the shoes even though I didn't deserve them.

I sulked for about 2 weeks. I would look at the shoes every once in a while, but I would hiss at them, spit at them, roll my eyes when I saw them... you know, stupid stuff that you really wouldn't do to inanimate objects. LOL.

Well, last weekend, I decided to take the shoes out again. I sat there staring at them for a while and thought to myself, forget it... they are free shoes... you don't have to wear them... just realize you have some shoes... and you don't really know where they came from. So, I was all cool with the shoes...

And I was all happy... getting ready to go out... all giddy, listening to some pre-party music... and even partaking in some pre-party beverages... well... I accidentally put the shoes on--both of them. And I wore them ALL NIGHT.

When I got home and realized what I did, I was actually okay with it. I kinda felt okay with it. The shoes were comfy... and I didn't mess them up or anything. No one accused me of stealing or being ungrateful or anything... so, for a while, I was just like, "Yay. Shoes." Now, I'm kinda wanting to wear the shoes... but I'm beginning to want to pay for them again. And every so often, when I pass by the shoe store, the salesman smiles and waves like he knows I'm that weird guy who wanted to pay for the shoes... maybe he realizes he was a jerk for not taking the money in the first place???

I dunno.

Now I stand here with the shoes... just sitting around. And after typing all this, part of me thinks that I should just get rid of the shoes. I won't really be losing anything, 'cause it's not like I did anything to get the shoes. The only thing is... I didn't mention that I don't have any other shoes...

So yeah... shoes. Go figure. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Nick doesn't like the shoes? LOL...

you'll never be alone

Eff that... this blog is getting closer and closer to being THE secret blog each time I write in it. I really don't care. This stuff is deep... and real. So yes, eff that...

Anyway, tonight I went to Clemson and had dinner with Nichole. Before, I had a little caucus with Nick, and after, I had this big "come to Jesus" discussion with Laura. It's so funny how much my friends can make me think. I am truly blessed to have friends that inspire such introspection.

Laura's discussion with me was honestly just what I needed. A sincere talk with an old friend, who wouldn't judge me whatsoever. Ironically, she is only an "old" friend because I haven't seen her since August. But, I truly love her, and I appreciate her for the great friend she has become.

And you know, honestly, we discussed so much that it would be quite difficult to write about any one or even few things she said that really stood out to me. It was just perfect... although, the ride back to Greenville was full of thoughts racing through my head. I kept asking myself questions, kicking myself for things I have done, and trying to coerce myself into doing and not doing certain things.

On the way back, however, a song came into my mind... one that I have always loved and one whose lyrics have made me cry and smile. Right now, they make me uneasy, honestly. I am having a little difficulty believing the words and even understanding them... but as always, the music is what seems to soothe when even the words can't...

Anytime you feel like
You just can't go on
Hold onto my love
And you'll never be alone...

Hold on
We can make it through the fire
And my love
I'm forever by your side
And you know
If you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
You'll never be alone

Hmm... Is that so?

this should prolly go in the secret blog...

...but I don't care. The world should know.

I kind of don't like the way things are going right now. No, I'm not suicidal. Even if I was, I'm too much of a pansy to try to do something... I might end up messing up and ending up a vegetable or with only one limb or something.

Anyway, I feel like theres a lot of stuff going on in my mind and in my heart right now... It's weird stuff that is hard to put my finger on really... all I know is that I am tired of a lot of people and a lot of things... about me and just life in general.

In other words, I am trying to find that happy place again... but this time, I think I am the only person who can find it. It can't be brought to me from an outside source... which I think I look to so much. So yeah... that's really about it.

And also, someone just told me to "be blessed." Those simple words uplifted me so much. I seriously just sat here for a minute and glowed.

I hope I will be.

faith

Today in church, my dad said something extremely simple, but probably more profound than anything I have ever heard him preach about. He was commenting on faith, and how faith is used even when you are making a cake.

When you make a cake, you put all these ingredients together, and you just have enough confidence in the chemistry of all those things working together that once you pull it out of the oven, it's not just going to be a bunch of flour, milk, sugar, and eggs mixed together, but it will actually be a cake.

Even still, there are some people (accomplished cooks and fabulous culinary artists) who can simply throw stuff together without even measuring it. Ironically, I tend to be one of those people. Now, I'm not saying that I am an incredible cook or anything, but I never measure anything. I always "eyeball" it. I figure, if I attempt my best, and use some common sense, this thing is gonna work out. I don't even have a measuring cup in my kitchen now. I also don't like following recipes. I just throw whatever in that I think is going to make the food taste good and turn out right. Truthfully, I've never had anything turn out a disaster either.

So, does that mean that I have exceptional faith? I dunno. As I was listening to my dad, I thought for a moment that it did mean that I do have really awesome faith. As I think about it now, there are a lot of things that have happened that I just kind of expected to happen. I didn't worry about them a lot. Strangely enough, they were big things... like once in a lifetime things. Not everyday things that could pretty much be considered small stuff.

When it comes to small stuff, I tend to fret a lot. I dunno why. Serisouly, now that I am thinking about it, it is really backwards how I operate like that. The big deals in life, I just go on thinking of as, "it's going to/not going to happen." The little things... I sweat them... a lot.

A wise man once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Another smart individual said, "Everything's small stuff." I dunno why I can't subscribe to that school of thought. The small stuff is the stuff that spazzes me out. I need to chill out on that stuff... you know, let things be... let them happen... "lose control."

Sadly, I have tired from losing control in '06 already. It was really only good for about 2 weeks. Last Monday evening, I kinda regained control in so many ways. I guess it was when I left the happy place I was talking about just 20 minutes before it all came to a screeching halt. I'm just about over all of it, I guess... but this is just another situation where my faith is weak. I ALWAYS have a bunch of issues with this crap... It's like I still have faith, but it's like... I dunno. I can't explain it. The only thing that ever seems to put into words how I really feel about my situation is a line from "Missing the War" by Ben Folds Five:

...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...

It always gives me goosebumps when I hear those lyrics or even think about those words... How the hell can they be the 8 most perfect words that describe me and my life... and they come from a completely irrelevant song, and a person who I am sure has no clue what is going on in my life or mind...

Anyway... faith. Marinate on that for a little while. And this is about as deep as I will get in here... Usually, this type of stuff goes in the secret blog. Consider yourself lucky...

forget it

Forget everything I said about a happy place.

Ironically, that happy place ceased to exist about 20 minutes after I wrote that blog entry.

It's just that it has taken me about this long to forget it for myself.

rumor has it

Okay, so I saw a good movie tonight. It was Rumor Has It. It was a twisted love story, but a good one regardless. I think the biggest thing I got from it is that people do things and they make mistakes, and they have relationships that are sometimes meaningless, but when it comes down to it, when one enters into a meaningful relationship, they can tell. It was a pretty good message.

I don't have an incredible lot to report, unfortunately. I know that I have been really slack in here, and I feel pretty bad about that. But, ironically, a lot of things are going on in my life that require some provate contemplation, therefore, the secret blog is blowin' up right now (not really, but it is being used more than this one).

But in all honesty, for once, I don't feel like writing about the big thing that is going on in my life. I dunno why... like there's something different about it or something??? I really don't know. I mean, I used to talk about it all the time, but for some reason, I feel as if I write about it, it will just become trite jibber jabber like most of the stuff I publish is.

I dunno. Maybe this is just a sign that I am really growing up. In a way, I feel like pouring out all my thoughts in here is a little juvenile. I really don't know.

Just so I won't leave you people who read this in too much suspense, just know that I am in a happy place. That's really all I can say. :)

2006

The motto for the year is lose control in '06.

Let's discuss for just a moment.

I have taken this motto from Missy Elliott's song of the same name, which has become a party anthem for my friends and I as of late. There aren't many great dance songs right now, but Los Control is definitely a "get krunk" type song. I mean, it is the perfect club song... just do what it says: "Everybody here, get it out of control. Get your backs off the wall 'cause Misdemeanor says so..."

In "losing control" in a life aspect, one might think that it's a bad thing. Like, if you lose control of your car, you crash. If you lose control of your finances, you go in the hole. If you lose control at work, you lose your job. I'm not talking about stuff like that. Because honestly, when I look at those things in my life, I am in complete control (except the fact that my utility bill is almost $300 for the past month... hello! Losing control!!!). But sometimes, when I think of my social life and my LACK of a love life, I am a little too uptight. Not that I am a party pooper or that I am no fun. I just think sometimes, my pretentiousness and insecurities get in the way... I know, right? BIG oxymoron.

How can I be pretentious and insecure at the same time? Well, first off, I am insecure... about a lot of things that I'm not even going to delve into. So, in being insecure about those things, I tend to rest on the things that I DO have going for me. So, while at times I'm like, "Geez, I suck because of yadda yadda yadda," I am also like, "Ugh, I am so above this." It's weird, I know.

So this year, in 2006, my goal is first of all, get rid of my insecurities... By doing that, hoefully, the pretentiousness will be more healthy and deserved (because, lets face it... I enjoy being amongst the upper eschelon of society). The only way to do so, is to lose control. Not dwell so much on why I feel that I'm not so and so because of such and such. Does that make sense?

So basically, I'm going to try to be more carefree. That's what losing control is all about: not harping on things that you really can't change or things that you can change that you just don't have the motivation or drive to change. If you DO want something to change bad enough, then instead of LOSING control, you have to TAKE control.

So there... that is my philosophical spill for the year... and as for 2006 so far, I've "lost control" pretty well. :)

the 2nd anniversary

Well, December 17th marked the 2nd anniversary of king congruence. It has been a long LONG road, and I am proud to say that 2 years later, I am still trucking along. I am out of college, and I have learned a vast deal about myself and about people in general. This blog has been an avenue of sharing my feelings that I really don't think I could have gone through college without. So, here's to you, king congruence: to the past 2 years and for years and years to come.

And even though it isn't the subtitle anymore, let me just remind you...

"Were I like thee, I'd throw away myself."
-from William Shakespeare's Timon of Athens, Act III

grown people fun

So, last night, I went out with some teachers from ENSA again. It wasn't just Melissa and Tiffany this time, but Marleen too! It was her birthday, and she invited some of the "cool" teachers to come out and celebrate with her.

We were talking last Tuesday doing duty in the gym and she was talking about how she wanted to go out. Ironically, last weekend, I passed by the new Chief's Wings and Firewater. I had always heard about it on B93.7 and how they have "Working Women's Wednesdays." I always thought it would be kinda lame to go there, but it was in a different building, and I was like, what the hell... "What about Chiefs?" Marleen was all up for that.

Well, all day yesterday, I was looking forward to it... and kinda getting nervous about it. I had never gone to a bar/club with people older than me. I didn't want to be out of place, but I also didn't want it to be lame.

Well, I was THOROUGHLY surpised to drive up to Chiefs and see TONS among TONS of people... fabulous people... good looking people (however significantly older than me people). The music was really good... except for their weird little country music montage where LaBarbara and Bocephus did the Trailer Park Tussle in the floor. Boo for that. But w00t for "Lose Control" by Missy and Ciara! GAWD I love that song!

We had an awesome time. And the best part about it, is that now I consider Melissa and Marleen two really good friends now. I mean, Melissa has always been really helpful this year. She is the head of the 4th grade and we've gone out before, but last night was just different. And I never really knew Marleen, but she is definitely good people. All 3 of us have planned on going out next Saturday before the ENSA Christmas party... so big w00t for that!

And after spending time with the teacher folk, it was over to Aaron, Brandon, and Jared's: my 3 best friends in Greenville. I felt kinda bad leaving Marleen's party, but I knew that it wouldn't be a productive weekend without a Saturday night with my boys. I really have nothing to explain about over there... it's always krunk.

...and speaking of KRUNK, THE SEQUAL TO "THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE" COMES OUT ON TUESDAY!!! "KRONK'S NEW GROOVE!" Do I need to explain how excited I am about this? THIS WEEK IS SO AWESOME!

Monday: $500 mall gift card from Eastwood Homes
Tuesday: Llama Movie II
Wednesday: nothing, but halfway done
Thursday: DT Clemson with Melissa ?
Friday: NO MORE SCHOOL UNTIL 2006!

And then, on Sunday, STEVEN WILL BE BACK IN GREENVILLE FOR GOOD!

Excitement. And now, it is 9:30, and I have been done with my lesson plans for like an hour now... so I can stay up and chill, or go to bed... This might just be the best week of my life...

the ben speaks truth

Never in my life has a song been written FOR me... never in my life has a song matched my situation or feelings so perfectly. It's almost scary. It's as if The Ben is walking around, following me, writing lyrics about my life.

Ben... how you do what you do...

all is quiet.
his tired eyes
see figures jotted down
and clothes all strewn around
the bedroom floor.

now nothing's adding up
and nothing's making sense.
she's sleeping like a baby.
she doesn't know
he wasn't meant for this.

i'm missing the war.
i'm missing the war all night.
missing the war.
i'm missing the war.

he drove home again
pissed and beaten.
it's really no big deal.
it happens all the time.
it's no big deal.

i'm missing the war.
i'm missing the war all night.
missing the war.
i'm missing the war.

'til beads of sunlight hit me in the morning.

so much time,
so little to say.

time may fly
and dreams may die.
the shaking voice
that tells him go
still thinks he might
he knows he won't.

i'm missing the war.
i'm missing the war all night.
missing the war.
i'm missing the war...

FAILURE

I have been so hideously awful at this blog thing lately. For that, I am a thousand times sorry. I beg of you... PLEASE forgive me.

I really feel atrocious, seeing how I talk so much junk about those individuals who possess blogs and do not frequently write in them. As Mandy used to say in high school, "Oh, how the mighty hath fallen."

But I'm getting back up again, bitches...

Listen to this...

I really don't want to jinx myself or think TOO highly of myself or my pupils, but school has been quite enjoyable as of late. Last week was good... even if it was good by default with its 2 days. But this week has FLOWN by, when usually weeks after holidays are crap. I have even internalized this new feeling of appreciation for my students, school, and faculty by admitting that I would go back to ENSA next year. In case anyone has forgotten, I was dead set on getting out of there with the quickness about a month ago. After Thanksgiving break, I was actually looking forward to seeing some of them... and this week, more than ever, I have been able to cut up with them and throw in random little side jokes every once in a while.

Like today, little Isaiah... the 3'2" kid that yelled at me back a couple months ago... he came up to me just makin' this face... he likes to do it, and I don't know why. It's this little glare/smile thing... like he's pissed off and he's going to bite my ankles or something. In reality, he truly is playing, 'cause he only does that when he's in an exceptionally good mood and I haven't had to call him down at all. Well, he seriously is the shortest thing in the class... next to the trash can. All the kids know it too... So, he walked up to the front of the class and got right up to me (my knee to be exact... lol) and did his little glare thing. I looked down at him in utter confusion and said, "Sit down, little man." The class was ROLLING. It was too funny.

I also "D-Boed" one of Amy's kids in the lunch room today, 'cause he was crackin' on Deshyea. He said something about her "forty-forties" (that's glasses, for those of you uncultured individuals). So I looked at him and said, "Do you have a problem with people with glasses, 'cause if you do, I can help you with it. Before you talk about anybody, you better check yourself." Once again, another point for Mistah Parks.

This was right after Deshyea said that this girl named Ebony looked at her funny... lol. I was just like, "You remember what I told you yesterday? Some people just have eye problems. You just gotta pray for 'em." She grinned. Funny how she is always goin' at it with someone...

Anyway, yeah, school is good for now. If we can make it through the next 2 weeks before the holidays, we'll be good.

As for other things, Kate moves out in a week. I'm going to miss her, but I am going to love a dog free home. I am really going to have to try hard to utilize all the space in this townhouse when she is gone too... 'cause I feel like all I do is sit up in my room. It's funny how this room has become a haven in just 3 short months. I love it up here... maybe things will change once I get my Intel laptop at the beginning of the next semester... w00t for "The Academy," which is what I plan on calling East North Street now... lol. One look at a handful of students and you would really wonder why they call it an "academy," so I am going to take the humor in its name and run with it... kinda how Jenee' has taken "THE ENCLAVE AT THORNBLADE" and run with it... lol. Jenee', honey... "The Enclave at Country Walk" just doesn't sound the same... I am now going to attempt more suitable pretentious names for the community you live in:

Sycamore Ridge at Country Walk
The Preserve at Country Walk
The Sycamores of Country Walk
Sycamore Ridge: The Upper Eschelon of Country Walk <----- THAT'S IT!

Gurl, that is even more pretentious than The Enclave at Thornblade. Y'all could take The Summit in Seneca by storm! w00t! All this talk about pretentious names of residences is a trip... ironically, I have recently been making fun of the street our school social worker lives on: North Ladyslipper Drive. LOL. It's a trip.

As for me. My street is named after a type of cloud: Stratus. It works. LOL.

Well, I'm done for now... and hopefully "for now" isn't the same as "for the next few weeks."