wedding rings

Ha. So I just realized that if one reads this blog regularly and they saw that the last entry was extremely vague but mentioned unmentionables in the secret blog, the title of this entry might startle a few people. Ha. But then again, if one reads this, they know that I would be the last person mentioning wedding rings in the sense of ME wearing one.

The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.

I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.

This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.

Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.

Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.

You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.

That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.

I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.

Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.

...pathetic.

So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.

Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...

..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.

So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...

Anyway...

...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.

And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...

...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.