king congruence: on the ex-girlfriend

So today, I talked to my friend Chelsea from Wofford summer camp that I haven't talked to in about 2 years. It was good. She is doing well, and we still have a lot in common. One thing that we always had in common was our issues with the r-word. Yep... unfortunately, she has been just as unfortunate as me. And, though 2 years have passed... we still have that in common. Our love lives are pretty much non-existent, but thankfully, sitting there on the phone moping about it was not in our conversation...

What was, was me, for the first time, admitting how wrong I was to my ex-girlfriend. Coming to terms with this is part of me knowing myself... so, here goes. Honestly... I never truly liked her. I was in it for the wrong reasons... no, it wasn't physical enjoyment... it was the fact that someone liked me first! Never in my life had anyone come up to me and asked ME out... but her. When she asked that question, in my mind, I said no, and in my mouth, I said yes. It was horrible. Here, someone was doing the very thing that I have so much trouble doing... taking that first step and admitting their attraction... putting it all out there on the line... allowing their heart to lie in the balance while the person recieving the proposal can either coldly say no or warmly say yes... and I... I coldly said yes. It was for my own pleasure... for me to feel good about someone liking me. Now, I feeel terrible... and can't help but think that part of me being alone ever since October 2000 is because I had an r-thingy... and completely took advantage of it. I deserve solitude... I never, ever, ever want to EVER do anything like that to ANYONE again. A persons emotions are extremely sensitive, and to take advantage of them is horrible. I feel ruthless... I just know what it is like to be led on and I know what it is like to put all of yourself out there for someone and have them walk right over you.

So, I have learned from my lesson... and I am still learnING from it.