we are told the story of the mule in the well. some gentlemen threw a live mule into a well with every intention of burying it. once it was down in the well, they began shoveling dirt onto the mule. that old mule just proceeded to shake it off and pat it down under his feet. in their attempts to bury the mule, they actually helped it get out of the well. you see, every shovel of dirt succeeded in filling the well up and freeing the mule. it just goes to show that what sometimes is meant for bad, can turn out to be good... so just shake it off.
This is my current away message. I actually got this parable from the message I heard tonight at church. Pretty crucial, actually. In a way, I feel like in a way, this is what events in my life have done for me. Years of disappointment and rejection have in a way, turned me into something fierce... The strength I have found within myself and my independence is always growing and increasing, but the fact of the matter is, that I am gaining it. Bad things that have happened and things that haven't gone my way have kind of turned me into this person who values things that other people don't value. It's made me more compassionate in a way, and it has also made me stoic.
But tonight, I also learned that stoic is not necessarily the way to be. The preacher tonight said that people who "always have a smile on their face" are dangerous people. He said those types of people are the ones that go postal on people. I can understand why... people who are "seemingly indifferent to" things that are going on around them harbor their true emotions, and they have stuff built up inside of them. At any random point in time, all those emotions could come out without warning. With me, they come out in the form of tears at the sound of "Stand Up For Love." But for others, it isn't such a romantic release.
He basically said to shake it off: to do just how the mule did and use it as a learning experience... a stepping stone, if you will.
The other great thing about this message was the way in which he spoke of the Bible verse... "God put this in the Bible so you wouldn't go crazy... because people who stay angry go crazy." The verse is Ephesians 4:26. It starts out by saying, "Be ye angry..." which I think is so funny....
...God knew he was creating creatures that were gonna get a little pissy every once in a while.
I think it's great. Basically, it goes on to say don't harbor anger. It is WAY easier said than done. It's even easier said with "shake it off."
So, I am moving from stoicism on to shaking it off.
...Mariah Carey would be proud.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
signs
Okay, so greetings from East North Street Academy... I am mos' def at school. I just have to blog about yet another sign that I got regarding my new philosophy.
A license plate on the front of a car in the parking lot says:
Must be nice.
No, it's not my car... but this sign, like last night's, was definitely meant for me.
A license plate on the front of a car in the parking lot says:
Must be nice.
No, it's not my car... but this sign, like last night's, was definitely meant for me.
Monday, March 27, 2006
fortune(?) cookies
This evening, I joined my family for dinner at a Chinese buffet. Like always, we got fortune cookies with our check. Ironically, fortune cookies don't really do much for me. I am not big into sweets, and I most certainly am not into dry crackers with a slight hint of orange. The thing about fortune cookies that excite me are the fortunes that are inside. I like the fortunes so much, that I get pissed off when there is no fortune on the inside, but just a statement... like when it says something like, "You are well liked." That isn't a fortune... that's lame. On a fortune, I am looking for something that will alert me of things to come, as well as maybe some lucky numbers and on the other side, "Learn Chinese" (on one of the fortunes I am about to talk to, it says that the word 'children' is pronounced 'hai-zi').
Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a person who holds a lot of stock in things other than my religion, but sometimes, I think that God can speak through other avenues... for example, fortunes. Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell got a fortune last spring that said something along the lines of "You will win a great title." She friggin' won Miss South Carolina. Coincidence? Who knows. There's got to be a reason why she picked THAT particular fortune cookie and not one of the others that was sitting on her table... maybe because that fortune was meant for her.
Regardless, I got a fortune this evening. I also got one a while back. The one that I have had for a while now has sat on my computer desk for probably the last few weeks or so. It says:
You can have anything you want if you want it desparately enough.
In all actuality, this fortune really isn't a "fortune." It's one of those that states something... a word of wisdom, maybe. At any rate, it is a pleasant reminder... basically, not to give up hope.
The fortune I got today is nothing less than A FORTUNE. Ironically, it comes just a day after I came to the realization that being a nice guy will eventually be worth something. The fortune says:
Your kindness is surely to be repaid.
When I opened up the little slip of paper, I actually got a chill. It was almost as if it was an affirmation that my decision to "stand up for love" is the right thing to do... and that it will bring about something good. I'm just stupid enough to believe it.
When numbers of other people, EE included, say that I am dull and "no one likes a nice guy, everyone likes a badass," something completely random--an outside, unconnected source--tells me that I will be rewarded due to my kindness.
You know... sure it's a little insignificant piece of paper... but for the first time in about 3 months, I feel as if I KNOW I am doing something right...
Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a person who holds a lot of stock in things other than my religion, but sometimes, I think that God can speak through other avenues... for example, fortunes. Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell got a fortune last spring that said something along the lines of "You will win a great title." She friggin' won Miss South Carolina. Coincidence? Who knows. There's got to be a reason why she picked THAT particular fortune cookie and not one of the others that was sitting on her table... maybe because that fortune was meant for her.
Regardless, I got a fortune this evening. I also got one a while back. The one that I have had for a while now has sat on my computer desk for probably the last few weeks or so. It says:
You can have anything you want if you want it desparately enough.
In all actuality, this fortune really isn't a "fortune." It's one of those that states something... a word of wisdom, maybe. At any rate, it is a pleasant reminder... basically, not to give up hope.
The fortune I got today is nothing less than A FORTUNE. Ironically, it comes just a day after I came to the realization that being a nice guy will eventually be worth something. The fortune says:
Your kindness is surely to be repaid.
When I opened up the little slip of paper, I actually got a chill. It was almost as if it was an affirmation that my decision to "stand up for love" is the right thing to do... and that it will bring about something good. I'm just stupid enough to believe it.
When numbers of other people, EE included, say that I am dull and "no one likes a nice guy, everyone likes a badass," something completely random--an outside, unconnected source--tells me that I will be rewarded due to my kindness.
You know... sure it's a little insignificant piece of paper... but for the first time in about 3 months, I feel as if I KNOW I am doing something right...
Sunday, March 26, 2006
stand up for love
This is going to be one of my more philanthropic blog entries... just to warn you.
So, I have a confession to make... my ghetto car lacks a stereo... for an individual rooted in music as myself, that is a huge dilemma. So what do I do? Something highly illegal, that's what. I listen to headphones in the car. It is frowned upon greatly, but I don't care. Things are always a little better when there is a song in my heart.
Well, this morning, on the way to church, I decided to listen to Destiny's Child. The first song on their #1's CD is Stand Up For Love. It's supposed to be about helping children... I suppose third world country children. Apparently it was the anthem for World Children's Day last year (who knew that day existed?). Anyway, I was listening to it, and the weirdest thing happend.
I burst into this embarrassing ball of emotions. I mean, the waterworks came full force. It was like the Hartwell Dam broke.
Honestly, I think the whole reason I reacted in that way physically was because for the past about 2 weeks, I have been completely stoic... I think I wrote about it. It's like emotions wouldn't come. I wasn't necessarily apathetic to things, it's just that I didn't have any sort of outward expression to anything that was going on. Today was honestly the first time in about 2 weeks that I expressed any emotion outwardly.
And it was all because of this song... not because I got all "Save the Children" or anything, but because of my own personal predicament at this point in time.
For the past few weeks, a few people have informed me that I am basically dull... I don't intrigue anyone because I am not... I guess "dynamic" enough. And when I say dynamic, they mean "wild." When I meet someone, I don't immediately jump at the chance to hook up or get some ass... you know? That isn't me. As terrible as a person I might think I am, or anyone who reads this may think I am, I have to admit, that I have never been that type of person. Honestly, I don't know what has made me that type of person either. Maybe it is the fact that I have been rejected so many times that I don't even see anyone as a potential anything. Or maybe it's the fact that the type of people who do that have historically been a turn off to me. I don't know.
In order to save the face of the individual I am about to speak about, I will refer to them as Emotionless Enigma, or EE. EE and I were talking the other day when I challenged EE NOT to hook up with anyone this weekend. Mind you, EE is one of the individuals who claims that I am a stick in the mud... and no one likes a stick in the mud. EE fought with me about why it wouldn't be a bad idea to mess around. I gave into EE's banter, but once the conversation was over, I still thought to myself, "That is so disappointing."
I mention this because my goal in my present situation is not to "whore" out to meet anyone. EE claims that doing so would be a sure shot at a relationship. Frankly, I don't want a relationship built on that... My idea is that charm has got to still be worth something. I guess I am old fashioned in a way, and I feel that for me, being a nice guy with nice words and a personable demeanor will get me farther than sticking my tongue down someone's throat.
Hence, why the song Stand Up For Love meant so much to me this morning. It says "And I believe, that in my life I will see and end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering... If we stand together this one time and no one will get left behind... stand up for love." Yeah, I know it's talking about loving the kids and whatever, but look at it again and put it in the context of an individual who at times has felt hopeless, like giving up, and suffered. Think about if people... ALL people stopped being so fast and freaky for just a minute and realized that people would be happier and relationships would mean more if people learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer on the full scale, not just on the outside... imagine what it would be like, if there were more people who did Stand Up For Love... people who would be a benefit to everyone, just by showing the mere fact that what they have the ability to love... not just exploit others, but LOVE them.
That's why, I have decided to take the phrase Stand Up For Love and run with it. As dreadful as it has been, and as dreadful as it will surely continue to be, I can't succumb to the school of thought that slutting out will achieve everything I want in a relationship. It's terrible.
My goal is to remain this way... grounded and compassionate... and hopefully that will mean enough to someone.
And by no means am I trying to sound pious or holier than thou. It's just that in my day to day interactions, I don't come in contact with many people who share my philosophy on the matter. At times I really do feel as if I am one of the few who have a desire to maintain charm and adoration between two people.
It's lonely... but someone has to stand up for love.
So, I have a confession to make... my ghetto car lacks a stereo... for an individual rooted in music as myself, that is a huge dilemma. So what do I do? Something highly illegal, that's what. I listen to headphones in the car. It is frowned upon greatly, but I don't care. Things are always a little better when there is a song in my heart.
Well, this morning, on the way to church, I decided to listen to Destiny's Child. The first song on their #1's CD is Stand Up For Love. It's supposed to be about helping children... I suppose third world country children. Apparently it was the anthem for World Children's Day last year (who knew that day existed?). Anyway, I was listening to it, and the weirdest thing happend.
I burst into this embarrassing ball of emotions. I mean, the waterworks came full force. It was like the Hartwell Dam broke.
Honestly, I think the whole reason I reacted in that way physically was because for the past about 2 weeks, I have been completely stoic... I think I wrote about it. It's like emotions wouldn't come. I wasn't necessarily apathetic to things, it's just that I didn't have any sort of outward expression to anything that was going on. Today was honestly the first time in about 2 weeks that I expressed any emotion outwardly.
And it was all because of this song... not because I got all "Save the Children" or anything, but because of my own personal predicament at this point in time.
For the past few weeks, a few people have informed me that I am basically dull... I don't intrigue anyone because I am not... I guess "dynamic" enough. And when I say dynamic, they mean "wild." When I meet someone, I don't immediately jump at the chance to hook up or get some ass... you know? That isn't me. As terrible as a person I might think I am, or anyone who reads this may think I am, I have to admit, that I have never been that type of person. Honestly, I don't know what has made me that type of person either. Maybe it is the fact that I have been rejected so many times that I don't even see anyone as a potential anything. Or maybe it's the fact that the type of people who do that have historically been a turn off to me. I don't know.
In order to save the face of the individual I am about to speak about, I will refer to them as Emotionless Enigma, or EE. EE and I were talking the other day when I challenged EE NOT to hook up with anyone this weekend. Mind you, EE is one of the individuals who claims that I am a stick in the mud... and no one likes a stick in the mud. EE fought with me about why it wouldn't be a bad idea to mess around. I gave into EE's banter, but once the conversation was over, I still thought to myself, "That is so disappointing."
I mention this because my goal in my present situation is not to "whore" out to meet anyone. EE claims that doing so would be a sure shot at a relationship. Frankly, I don't want a relationship built on that... My idea is that charm has got to still be worth something. I guess I am old fashioned in a way, and I feel that for me, being a nice guy with nice words and a personable demeanor will get me farther than sticking my tongue down someone's throat.
Hence, why the song Stand Up For Love meant so much to me this morning. It says "And I believe, that in my life I will see and end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering... If we stand together this one time and no one will get left behind... stand up for love." Yeah, I know it's talking about loving the kids and whatever, but look at it again and put it in the context of an individual who at times has felt hopeless, like giving up, and suffered. Think about if people... ALL people stopped being so fast and freaky for just a minute and realized that people would be happier and relationships would mean more if people learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer on the full scale, not just on the outside... imagine what it would be like, if there were more people who did Stand Up For Love... people who would be a benefit to everyone, just by showing the mere fact that what they have the ability to love... not just exploit others, but LOVE them.
That's why, I have decided to take the phrase Stand Up For Love and run with it. As dreadful as it has been, and as dreadful as it will surely continue to be, I can't succumb to the school of thought that slutting out will achieve everything I want in a relationship. It's terrible.
My goal is to remain this way... grounded and compassionate... and hopefully that will mean enough to someone.
And by no means am I trying to sound pious or holier than thou. It's just that in my day to day interactions, I don't come in contact with many people who share my philosophy on the matter. At times I really do feel as if I am one of the few who have a desire to maintain charm and adoration between two people.
It's lonely... but someone has to stand up for love.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
"the terra complex"
Kate and I have this acquaintance... LOL.
This acquaintance is affectionately called "Terra" (for obvious reasons, which we will not delve into at this present time).
Terra uses AOL Instant Messenger... but ONLY when she needs to either brag or boast or bitch about something. She isn't like the rest of us AIM crazed individuals who get excited when we have been signed on for more than 7 days and it doesn't switch to "1 week." She will get on sporadically and immediately put up an away message... proclaiming something exciting like something new in her life, or something dreadfully terrible, like having a 18,000,000 page paper to write. This annoyed us.
I tell the story of Terra just to remind myself NOT to be her. For a good while, I was writing in here daily... if not every other day. And then, when everything involving that one individual stopped, I stopped writing. That ain't right.
So now, I come to you, not really with anything to write about, but just to write to ensure you that I am not suffering from "The Terra Complex."
I am however suffering from something... something that I can't quite put my finger on, however, it is suffering to say the least. When I think about it, all I can think of is the song "What is This Feeling?" from Wicked.
Loathing.
Unadulterated loathing.
Dictionary.com defines loathing as "To dislike (someone or something) greatly; abhor."
Well... what exactly is it that I dislike greatly... or abhor? Ohhhh, let me count...
...let's just say--I loathe it all!
This acquaintance is affectionately called "Terra" (for obvious reasons, which we will not delve into at this present time).
Terra uses AOL Instant Messenger... but ONLY when she needs to either brag or boast or bitch about something. She isn't like the rest of us AIM crazed individuals who get excited when we have been signed on for more than 7 days and it doesn't switch to "1 week." She will get on sporadically and immediately put up an away message... proclaiming something exciting like something new in her life, or something dreadfully terrible, like having a 18,000,000 page paper to write. This annoyed us.
I tell the story of Terra just to remind myself NOT to be her. For a good while, I was writing in here daily... if not every other day. And then, when everything involving that one individual stopped, I stopped writing. That ain't right.
So now, I come to you, not really with anything to write about, but just to write to ensure you that I am not suffering from "The Terra Complex."
I am however suffering from something... something that I can't quite put my finger on, however, it is suffering to say the least. When I think about it, all I can think of is the song "What is This Feeling?" from Wicked.
Loathing.
Unadulterated loathing.
Dictionary.com defines loathing as "To dislike (someone or something) greatly; abhor."
Well... what exactly is it that I dislike greatly... or abhor? Ohhhh, let me count...
...let's just say--I loathe it all!
Saturday, March 18, 2006
rescinding that statement
So earlier this morning, I said "fuck optimism." I'm sorry. I had just woken up... and the events from the previous night were fresh on my mind. I mean, they are right now as well, but I have uncovered a newfound optimism in the whole situation. So I have figured out that nothing will happen in this particular situation, but it opens many other doors and clears my mind in a way.
For the past 2 months, I have been all about this, and close minded to so many other things... but you know now, I can open up a little more... calm down some... and basically have an immense amount of fun (if I retain my motto of the year to "Lose Control in '06). I wasn't in a relationship, but it seems like I kind of was, because I gave no one else any attention or any thought... but now, I realize that I have a good friend... and the potential to... well... get heartbroken again.
Seriously, giving up looks like a good move right now. Have we ever seen anything flourish from any of these love interests?
For the past 2 months, I have been all about this, and close minded to so many other things... but you know now, I can open up a little more... calm down some... and basically have an immense amount of fun (if I retain my motto of the year to "Lose Control in '06). I wasn't in a relationship, but it seems like I kind of was, because I gave no one else any attention or any thought... but now, I realize that I have a good friend... and the potential to... well... get heartbroken again.
Seriously, giving up looks like a good move right now. Have we ever seen anything flourish from any of these love interests?
fuck optimism
...just wanted to let y'all know that once again, like I always figured in the back of my head, being optimistic doesn't mean a fucking thing.
Take it as you will... you know what it means.
I'm through.
...and for yet another reason, St. Patrick's Day will forever be a terrible day.
Take it as you will... you know what it means.
I'm through.
...and for yet another reason, St. Patrick's Day will forever be a terrible day.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
listening to alan...
...is something that I LOVE doing.
Talking to Alan is like the most perfect thing in the world almost. It is hard to believe that I have only known him for about 5 months and been close to him for only about 2 of those months, 'cause Alan and I can have conversations that I would NEVER have with other people... even people from Clemson.
On top of that, I think Alan is an INCREDIBLY intelligent person... especially in dealing with people and matters of the heart.
For a while, I actually was kind of upset with him for suggesting the whole badass route for my predicament... but then I realized that I was the one that had him under the impression that I NEEDED to act as such. In all reality, I don't need to be a badass... however, I think I like the attitude.
Anyway, I intended on going to bed early last night, but Alan talked to me for about 2 hours... and boy was it a deep convo. The way Alan can read people is almost frightening. What is even more frightening is the fact that Alan said that I have the ability, in my softy side, to break badasses down to their inner softy side...
I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I was like, that is hella awesome! I didn't realize how powerful I was... I thought having the ability to make the problem child in my class cry was just the mean teacher in me... lol. Just kidding... love my little knuckleheads.
But still, it was a highlyintriguing conversation that made me HIGHLY optimistic. You wouldn't know it, but in my secret blog the other day, I discussed about how optimistic I was about to be... and I was. But, the optimism in the secret blog was nothing like the optimism I felt as I went to bed last night... I really think that it is the reason why my 6 hours of sleep felt like 10 hours... no kidding.
So anyway, I hate being elusive in these blog entries... I really do. But, it SO wouldn't be me if I came out and said anything at all incriminating. Funny thing is how vague I can be but still have so much to write about and still keep so many interested. LOL. Seriously though... lets look back on some of the other elusive characters of king congruence...
2004 - "The USC Fan" and "The Crush"
2005 - "Kamikaze"
2006 - "Shoes/The anonymity known as my company to Myrtle Beach"
Damn. Looking at the past, it doesn't look good for 2006... but for some reason, I can't help but be a tiny bit more optimistic.
If for nothing else but keeping me humble and grounded, I turn to The Ben...
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
Talking to Alan is like the most perfect thing in the world almost. It is hard to believe that I have only known him for about 5 months and been close to him for only about 2 of those months, 'cause Alan and I can have conversations that I would NEVER have with other people... even people from Clemson.
On top of that, I think Alan is an INCREDIBLY intelligent person... especially in dealing with people and matters of the heart.
For a while, I actually was kind of upset with him for suggesting the whole badass route for my predicament... but then I realized that I was the one that had him under the impression that I NEEDED to act as such. In all reality, I don't need to be a badass... however, I think I like the attitude.
Anyway, I intended on going to bed early last night, but Alan talked to me for about 2 hours... and boy was it a deep convo. The way Alan can read people is almost frightening. What is even more frightening is the fact that Alan said that I have the ability, in my softy side, to break badasses down to their inner softy side...
I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I was like, that is hella awesome! I didn't realize how powerful I was... I thought having the ability to make the problem child in my class cry was just the mean teacher in me... lol. Just kidding... love my little knuckleheads.
But still, it was a highlyintriguing conversation that made me HIGHLY optimistic. You wouldn't know it, but in my secret blog the other day, I discussed about how optimistic I was about to be... and I was. But, the optimism in the secret blog was nothing like the optimism I felt as I went to bed last night... I really think that it is the reason why my 6 hours of sleep felt like 10 hours... no kidding.
So anyway, I hate being elusive in these blog entries... I really do. But, it SO wouldn't be me if I came out and said anything at all incriminating. Funny thing is how vague I can be but still have so much to write about and still keep so many interested. LOL. Seriously though... lets look back on some of the other elusive characters of king congruence...
2004 - "The USC Fan" and "The Crush"
2005 - "Kamikaze"
2006 - "Shoes/The anonymity known as my company to Myrtle Beach"
Damn. Looking at the past, it doesn't look good for 2006... but for some reason, I can't help but be a tiny bit more optimistic.
If for nothing else but keeping me humble and grounded, I turn to The Ben...
...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
no good deed
I guess you could think of this as a sequal to birth of a badass. It comes from a great song that I discovered this evening. Thanks to a good deed done by Nichole, I recieved the Wicked CD. I don't know if I have talked about Wicked before... I don't really think I have. It's basically a musical about the Wicked Witch of the West... and I haven't seen it, nor do I know the real premise of it. All I can tell is Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, basically turns wicked because she gets fucked over... from the beginning, she's different, and just not as perfect and bubbly as others...
In the song No Good Deed, it seems that the one person who loved her and she loved back has been taken from her somehow... and she is doing all she can in order to get him back. Apparently, something that she did--something good--got him taken away from her in the first place. Please don't look to me for the truly annotated Cliffs version. I am simply just using context clues.
Anyway, in the song, she says:
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished
If I ever needed something to tell me that everything I wrote the other day made perfect sense, here it is. Confusingly enough, it has honestly been a little difficult in being a sever badass. In fact, today, I did an act of kindness... that could possibly be considered superfluous and unneccesary... but hey. That is definitely me...
But seriously, it seems like the only thing I need to ponder on if I get too soft and begin to abandon the whole badass thing, is Elphaba's pain in losing the one thing she wanted and lost due to her good deed. And once again, like I said, I don't know if this is what really happens in Wicked... all I know is that it is what I have gathered... and for the time being, it is quite relevant.
I'm seriously going to have to see this VERY soon... another song's lyrics are now haunting me... they're perfect as well... in a completely different, but just as relevant way...
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of What-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...
You know... the badass... as badass as he is... DOES have a heart...
...that's where the good deeds come from.
In the song No Good Deed, it seems that the one person who loved her and she loved back has been taken from her somehow... and she is doing all she can in order to get him back. Apparently, something that she did--something good--got him taken away from her in the first place. Please don't look to me for the truly annotated Cliffs version. I am simply just using context clues.
Anyway, in the song, she says:
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished
If I ever needed something to tell me that everything I wrote the other day made perfect sense, here it is. Confusingly enough, it has honestly been a little difficult in being a sever badass. In fact, today, I did an act of kindness... that could possibly be considered superfluous and unneccesary... but hey. That is definitely me...
But seriously, it seems like the only thing I need to ponder on if I get too soft and begin to abandon the whole badass thing, is Elphaba's pain in losing the one thing she wanted and lost due to her good deed. And once again, like I said, I don't know if this is what really happens in Wicked... all I know is that it is what I have gathered... and for the time being, it is quite relevant.
I'm seriously going to have to see this VERY soon... another song's lyrics are now haunting me... they're perfect as well... in a completely different, but just as relevant way...
Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of What-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...
You know... the badass... as badass as he is... DOES have a heart...
...that's where the good deeds come from.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
birth of a badass
"Everyone likes a badass."
Words that haunt my ears at the present moment.
Alan visited this weekend... and he told me that my tragic flaw is that I am too nice. UGH. What was all that shit that I went through back during junior year in KKPsi. I thought the scars from that second semester made me enough of a punk. Apparently not.
I also thought that the bourgeoise comments I tend to make about people, their homes, and their educations was pretty bad ass as well. Alas, no.
Just as I was told in high school, and the early college years, I am a fucking nice guy that can only be seen as "the friend."
WELL, FUCK THAT. Seriously.
So, I am nice. Well, I do believe that the last 2 months, on top of other stupid shit that has just built up in my life will allow me to truly say a big "fuck you" to a particular someone, among a plethora of other lesser individuals that I have had the displeasure of entertaining as associates in my life.
This is the birth of a badass... This is me being angry for all the times I've been lied to, led on, fucked around with, thought of as just "the friend," shat on, bitched out, punked, walked on, called out, made fun of, rejected, scorned, stood up, taken advantage of, talked down to, criticized, condemned... all of that crucial shit. And it has ALL happened to me. Much of it by just one or a few people.
Y'all can all get hit by a CAT bus... and then have a 3 point turn executed on you.
I don't care. I'm all about getting even now. For about 23 years, I have lived my life as the son of a baptist preacher and a social worker. I was raised to be polite, caring, compassionate, and courteous. The thing my parents failed to tell me was that being as such would get me treated like a peon. You know, all of their guidance has gotten me this far. I graduated from school... I have a job... I have a house. But now it's time to play by society's rules a little bit. Funny thing is, all that advice from them and being all perfect and angelic really did do a lot of good in my younger years. I've never been arrested, or in jail, and I have never lost a job or flunked out of school either. Those were the guidelines for growing up. So, I made it. I grew up. Now it's time to be a grown up... and even as the Bible says "act peacefully if at all possible."
Well, damn... it ain't possible with these fuckers running around on the streets today. Everyone is out for their own self gratification... That isn't what I am planning on doing with my newfound badassness.... I just plan on "acting peacefully if at all possible..." and then to hell with everyone else who doesn't act peacefully with me. I'm not gonna be a punk.
Another funny thing about all of this is the fact that some people think of Hamilton as "the rock" who can withstand beating and badgering... who will stay there regardless... kinda like something timeless. I imagine some people think of me like, "Oh, Hamilton won't mind," or, "He'll get over it," or, "I can do it this way, because it's only Hamilton."
Well, asphyxiate, motherfucker. The rock's got fucking sharp edges.
So fuck y'all... all of y'all.
If y'all don't like me, blow me.
-Dr. Dre
Words that haunt my ears at the present moment.
Alan visited this weekend... and he told me that my tragic flaw is that I am too nice. UGH. What was all that shit that I went through back during junior year in KKPsi. I thought the scars from that second semester made me enough of a punk. Apparently not.
I also thought that the bourgeoise comments I tend to make about people, their homes, and their educations was pretty bad ass as well. Alas, no.
Just as I was told in high school, and the early college years, I am a fucking nice guy that can only be seen as "the friend."
WELL, FUCK THAT. Seriously.
So, I am nice. Well, I do believe that the last 2 months, on top of other stupid shit that has just built up in my life will allow me to truly say a big "fuck you" to a particular someone, among a plethora of other lesser individuals that I have had the displeasure of entertaining as associates in my life.
This is the birth of a badass... This is me being angry for all the times I've been lied to, led on, fucked around with, thought of as just "the friend," shat on, bitched out, punked, walked on, called out, made fun of, rejected, scorned, stood up, taken advantage of, talked down to, criticized, condemned... all of that crucial shit. And it has ALL happened to me. Much of it by just one or a few people.
Y'all can all get hit by a CAT bus... and then have a 3 point turn executed on you.
I don't care. I'm all about getting even now. For about 23 years, I have lived my life as the son of a baptist preacher and a social worker. I was raised to be polite, caring, compassionate, and courteous. The thing my parents failed to tell me was that being as such would get me treated like a peon. You know, all of their guidance has gotten me this far. I graduated from school... I have a job... I have a house. But now it's time to play by society's rules a little bit. Funny thing is, all that advice from them and being all perfect and angelic really did do a lot of good in my younger years. I've never been arrested, or in jail, and I have never lost a job or flunked out of school either. Those were the guidelines for growing up. So, I made it. I grew up. Now it's time to be a grown up... and even as the Bible says "act peacefully if at all possible."
Well, damn... it ain't possible with these fuckers running around on the streets today. Everyone is out for their own self gratification... That isn't what I am planning on doing with my newfound badassness.... I just plan on "acting peacefully if at all possible..." and then to hell with everyone else who doesn't act peacefully with me. I'm not gonna be a punk.
Another funny thing about all of this is the fact that some people think of Hamilton as "the rock" who can withstand beating and badgering... who will stay there regardless... kinda like something timeless. I imagine some people think of me like, "Oh, Hamilton won't mind," or, "He'll get over it," or, "I can do it this way, because it's only Hamilton."
Well, asphyxiate, motherfucker. The rock's got fucking sharp edges.
So fuck y'all... all of y'all.
If y'all don't like me, blow me.
-Dr. Dre
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
wedding rings
Ha. So I just realized that if one reads this blog regularly and they saw that the last entry was extremely vague but mentioned unmentionables in the secret blog, the title of this entry might startle a few people. Ha. But then again, if one reads this, they know that I would be the last person mentioning wedding rings in the sense of ME wearing one.
The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.
I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.
This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.
Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.
Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.
You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.
That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.
I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.
Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.
...pathetic.
So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.
Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...
..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.
So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...
Anyway...
...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.
And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...
...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.
The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.
I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.
This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.
Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.
Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.
You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.
That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.
I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.
Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.
...pathetic.
So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.
Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...
..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.
So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...
Anyway...
...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.
And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...
...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
ooh, shit, y'all...
...the secret blog is blowin' up!
Just thought you'd like to know... what you're missing.
CORRECTION: how much you're missing.
Just thought you'd like to know... what you're missing.
CORRECTION: how much you're missing.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
PAT
...that's all her Dollar General name tag says. This one lady might have been the sweetest person I came in contact with today.
I love all the ladies that work at my neighborhood Dollar General. Yeah, I know it's cheap to shop there, but I am not exactly rolling in the dough. I LOVE DG. I basically go there for my toiletries and stuff... you know, lotion, hair product, bandaids... stuff like that.
Well, today after school I went in there. I wasn't necessarily tired or in an extremely bad mood... I just had to stay at work longer for a meeting (I hardly ever go home angry anymore... I love my kids). Anyway, I go in, and the first person I see is Pat... tall, skinny, tan, with crinkly flat hair.
"How, you doin', hunnie?" she said. I was immediately in a state of euphoria. I love when sweet women call me honey... or in this case, "hunnie." See, there is a difference. It's in the way you say the second grapheme. "-ny" or "-nie." BIG difference there.
Anyway, I go get my two little things and wait for her to check me out.
"Hey, hunnie, is this gonna be it?... That'll be $4.20, sweetie."
Excitement time's THREE... she called me hunnie first, then sweetie, and my total came to $4.20 (which in immense irony is becoming my new favorite number... I'm always looking at the clock at 4:20, or purchasing exactly 4.20 gallons of gas, or buying something that comes to exactly $4.20, or getting change that is exactly $4.20)!!!
Anyway, finally, she was like, "$15.80 is your change, you have a good afternoon and you come back to see us, okay, hunnie?"
AAAAHHHH!!! The LOVE.
She doesn't know the influence she has on customers. I love her. She is so perfect, and I want to go back JUST to see her again.
I heart Pat.
See... Love. It's a simple thing...
I love all the ladies that work at my neighborhood Dollar General. Yeah, I know it's cheap to shop there, but I am not exactly rolling in the dough. I LOVE DG. I basically go there for my toiletries and stuff... you know, lotion, hair product, bandaids... stuff like that.
Well, today after school I went in there. I wasn't necessarily tired or in an extremely bad mood... I just had to stay at work longer for a meeting (I hardly ever go home angry anymore... I love my kids). Anyway, I go in, and the first person I see is Pat... tall, skinny, tan, with crinkly flat hair.
"How, you doin', hunnie?" she said. I was immediately in a state of euphoria. I love when sweet women call me honey... or in this case, "hunnie." See, there is a difference. It's in the way you say the second grapheme. "-ny" or "-nie." BIG difference there.
Anyway, I go get my two little things and wait for her to check me out.
"Hey, hunnie, is this gonna be it?... That'll be $4.20, sweetie."
Excitement time's THREE... she called me hunnie first, then sweetie, and my total came to $4.20 (which in immense irony is becoming my new favorite number... I'm always looking at the clock at 4:20, or purchasing exactly 4.20 gallons of gas, or buying something that comes to exactly $4.20, or getting change that is exactly $4.20)!!!
Anyway, finally, she was like, "$15.80 is your change, you have a good afternoon and you come back to see us, okay, hunnie?"
AAAAHHHH!!! The LOVE.
She doesn't know the influence she has on customers. I love her. She is so perfect, and I want to go back JUST to see her again.
I heart Pat.
See... Love. It's a simple thing...
Monday, February 27, 2006
tingle
In a way, this COULD be an extremely trite journal entry. But, due to numerous previous events, a few specific previous events, and the intensity that I am feeling at the present moment, I am going to try my damndest NOT to make this a run-of-the-mill trite ass blog entry.
This weekend, I went to Myrtle Beach. There is something to be said about my company on the trip, but I'm not going to say it. Anyway, I went to Myrtle Beach, and had an awesome time visiting my friend, Alan. I learned probably more about Alan than ANYONE would ever want to know, but honestly, it made me appreciate him even more. It sucks that I just met him a few months ago, and he has already moved away. It's okay though, because it is definitely a reason to go to the beach!
Anyway, one of the many stories Alan told us, was about his very close friend, Steve, who was shot and killed last summer. Steve was our age, and it was an untimely death. I could sympathize due to the loss of Royster last March. Steve, in his death, has meant more to Alan and honestly me than he probably ever did in life. Alan has such a great spiritual life because of Steve and how he had to look to God in order to cope with his death. This story among others made the trip to Myrtle Beach so much more meaningful than just a weekend romp in a cool place.
Alan also introduced me to a truly amazing music group: Keane. The CD he let us listen to, "Hopes and Fears" is insanely "crucial" as Alan says. I can't even begin to explain the intensity of the mixture of music and lyrics. Ben Folds is incredibly talented when it comes to his piano playing and his comical but true matter-of-fact lyrics, and Anastacia just has an insanely powerful voice, but these guys in Keane... they know how to put it all together. The only way I can describe the music is with the title of this entry: tingle.
When I hear the songs (especially Steve's song, "Bedshaped") that is what happens. Tingling. Being a musician and someone who is highly familiar with the charming capabilities of music, I know that tingling to be movement. When you tingle when you hear a song, that is you being stirred by the music: moved. The only reason I am allowing the term "tingle" to be used when the word "moved" is probably more fitting and meaningful is because at the sound of the song, the anonymity known as my company on the trip said, "Everytime I hear that song, I tingle." It wasn't an incredibly astounding statement. I mean, I agree completely. It's just the fact that the song did the same thing to me... it made me "tingle." And it just made me think... we were on the same page...
Isn't music just incredible like that? Just when you think that someone may have no clue where you are coming from, they share the same emotional attachment to a song as you. In this particular case, just when you think that someone can't really have an emotional attachment to anything.
Well, now that I am back from the beach and Keane's lyrics have haunted me all day, I have also acquired the CD. I told myself regardless of the things I should really be spending my money on, I was going to get this CD if it was the last thing I did. Ironically, as I went to the CD store after school, I got a phone call from the anonymity known as my company on the trip: "Guess where I am? I am buying that CD. I'm at a music store downtown, and I think I'm getting the last one."
Ha.
I was at a music store... that ALSO had only ONE copy left. Right now, it is playing in the background.
Remember, what I said? Nothing trite about this entry. While it may just seem like once again, the lyrics of a song have hit me right to the core, the lyrics in this song stretch through my core, the anonymity's core, and Steve's core. This music truly defines the great gift of music, and all the other amazing things music entails.
This music makes you tingle.
This weekend, I went to Myrtle Beach. There is something to be said about my company on the trip, but I'm not going to say it. Anyway, I went to Myrtle Beach, and had an awesome time visiting my friend, Alan. I learned probably more about Alan than ANYONE would ever want to know, but honestly, it made me appreciate him even more. It sucks that I just met him a few months ago, and he has already moved away. It's okay though, because it is definitely a reason to go to the beach!
Anyway, one of the many stories Alan told us, was about his very close friend, Steve, who was shot and killed last summer. Steve was our age, and it was an untimely death. I could sympathize due to the loss of Royster last March. Steve, in his death, has meant more to Alan and honestly me than he probably ever did in life. Alan has such a great spiritual life because of Steve and how he had to look to God in order to cope with his death. This story among others made the trip to Myrtle Beach so much more meaningful than just a weekend romp in a cool place.
Alan also introduced me to a truly amazing music group: Keane. The CD he let us listen to, "Hopes and Fears" is insanely "crucial" as Alan says. I can't even begin to explain the intensity of the mixture of music and lyrics. Ben Folds is incredibly talented when it comes to his piano playing and his comical but true matter-of-fact lyrics, and Anastacia just has an insanely powerful voice, but these guys in Keane... they know how to put it all together. The only way I can describe the music is with the title of this entry: tingle.
When I hear the songs (especially Steve's song, "Bedshaped") that is what happens. Tingling. Being a musician and someone who is highly familiar with the charming capabilities of music, I know that tingling to be movement. When you tingle when you hear a song, that is you being stirred by the music: moved. The only reason I am allowing the term "tingle" to be used when the word "moved" is probably more fitting and meaningful is because at the sound of the song, the anonymity known as my company on the trip said, "Everytime I hear that song, I tingle." It wasn't an incredibly astounding statement. I mean, I agree completely. It's just the fact that the song did the same thing to me... it made me "tingle." And it just made me think... we were on the same page...
Isn't music just incredible like that? Just when you think that someone may have no clue where you are coming from, they share the same emotional attachment to a song as you. In this particular case, just when you think that someone can't really have an emotional attachment to anything.
Well, now that I am back from the beach and Keane's lyrics have haunted me all day, I have also acquired the CD. I told myself regardless of the things I should really be spending my money on, I was going to get this CD if it was the last thing I did. Ironically, as I went to the CD store after school, I got a phone call from the anonymity known as my company on the trip: "Guess where I am? I am buying that CD. I'm at a music store downtown, and I think I'm getting the last one."
Ha.
I was at a music store... that ALSO had only ONE copy left. Right now, it is playing in the background.
Remember, what I said? Nothing trite about this entry. While it may just seem like once again, the lyrics of a song have hit me right to the core, the lyrics in this song stretch through my core, the anonymity's core, and Steve's core. This music truly defines the great gift of music, and all the other amazing things music entails.
This music makes you tingle.
Monday, February 20, 2006
death of the shoes
The shoes are gone.
You know what I hate? Wasting large portions of my life on one particular person... or in this case, footwear.
And I also hate looking back and thinking, "Damn. I went all googly-eyed over some damn K-Swiss."
The moral here: BUY your own damn shoes. Stay away from "free" K-Swiss shoes. And, be patient... shoes will go on sale... shoes will go out of style... eventually, the most perfect shoes will go on clearance and you will have just enough money to get them.
Honestly, though... I can't believe that now, I can't get the last 2 months of my life back. All over some damn K-Swiss...
You know what I hate? Wasting large portions of my life on one particular person... or in this case, footwear.
And I also hate looking back and thinking, "Damn. I went all googly-eyed over some damn K-Swiss."
The moral here: BUY your own damn shoes. Stay away from "free" K-Swiss shoes. And, be patient... shoes will go on sale... shoes will go out of style... eventually, the most perfect shoes will go on clearance and you will have just enough money to get them.
Honestly, though... I can't believe that now, I can't get the last 2 months of my life back. All over some damn K-Swiss...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
"shoes": the finale
Hellifireallyknow if this is the finale. I just know that I am tired of these DAMN shoes. I know it's a friggin' roller coaster... I like the shoes... I hate the shoes... the shoes get on my nerves... I love the shoes... the shoes give me bunions...
Right now, I almost* wish the shoes were never in my life. I wish I didn't like the shoes. I wish that I could be content with some $1.99 BoBos... or barefoot. I hate the shoes. In fact, I hate ALL shoes. I hate the fact that people NEED shoes in order to live. Or do we really need shoes in order to live?
No. We don't.
And you know what? I prayed to God that He would take away my desire for my particular pair of shoes... and ALL shoes, frankly. I'm tired of wanting shoes just cause everyone else has some.
But like I said, I doubt this is TRULY the finale about the shoes. Tomorrow starts the beginning of a 3 day weekend... so I know the shoes will be somewhere around. They always show up when I am going out or something...
...but you know what... this IS the shoe finale. Because I am tired of talking about the shoes as "shoes."
Fuck it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm "sick and tired of always being sick and tired."
*some sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling... 3rd party intervention type thing is not letting me have much of any say in what I should LOGICALLY think and do. It is something that I am finding to be highly frustrating and burdensome, and as poetically beautiful as it could be, I wish it would leave me the hell alone and come back when it is ready to work itself all the way through. I wrote about this sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling 3rd party intervention type thing in the secret blog... so here's to more vagueness...
Right now, I almost* wish the shoes were never in my life. I wish I didn't like the shoes. I wish that I could be content with some $1.99 BoBos... or barefoot. I hate the shoes. In fact, I hate ALL shoes. I hate the fact that people NEED shoes in order to live. Or do we really need shoes in order to live?
No. We don't.
And you know what? I prayed to God that He would take away my desire for my particular pair of shoes... and ALL shoes, frankly. I'm tired of wanting shoes just cause everyone else has some.
But like I said, I doubt this is TRULY the finale about the shoes. Tomorrow starts the beginning of a 3 day weekend... so I know the shoes will be somewhere around. They always show up when I am going out or something...
...but you know what... this IS the shoe finale. Because I am tired of talking about the shoes as "shoes."
Fuck it. I'm tired of playing games. I'm "sick and tired of always being sick and tired."
*some sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling... 3rd party intervention type thing is not letting me have much of any say in what I should LOGICALLY think and do. It is something that I am finding to be highly frustrating and burdensome, and as poetically beautiful as it could be, I wish it would leave me the hell alone and come back when it is ready to work itself all the way through. I wrote about this sickening, twisted, annoying, mind-controlling 3rd party intervention type thing in the secret blog... so here's to more vagueness...
Monday, February 13, 2006
tomorrow's the day...
...that I dislike a lot.
I just figured I would document the eve of the day with what's going on in my head...
Okay, so I lied. There is too much going on to focus.
I will say this though... Alan did this tarot card reading thing with me on Friday night... and you should know that I am mos' def a Christian. However, those things always amaze me, because something about them is real... in some way or another.
The cards said a lot of stuff... among all the stuff, one thing it said was watch the structure of my house... So, apparently The Villa is in danger of falling down.
It also said that something big was about to happen in my life... and that someone isn't as they seem... hrmph. This is kinda what is plaguing me. As for the big thing happening, I am hoping it has something to do with my place of employment for next school year. As for the sketchy person... it could be one of a few people right now... this plagues me a lot, because I think I tend to trust people a little too much sometimes...
It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time I started listening to myself... like I encouraged Steven to do last night. How hypocritical of me...
...but seriously, I should start listening to myself a little better... I am my date for tomorrow...
I just figured I would document the eve of the day with what's going on in my head...
Okay, so I lied. There is too much going on to focus.
I will say this though... Alan did this tarot card reading thing with me on Friday night... and you should know that I am mos' def a Christian. However, those things always amaze me, because something about them is real... in some way or another.
The cards said a lot of stuff... among all the stuff, one thing it said was watch the structure of my house... So, apparently The Villa is in danger of falling down.
It also said that something big was about to happen in my life... and that someone isn't as they seem... hrmph. This is kinda what is plaguing me. As for the big thing happening, I am hoping it has something to do with my place of employment for next school year. As for the sketchy person... it could be one of a few people right now... this plagues me a lot, because I think I tend to trust people a little too much sometimes...
It's been a long time coming, but I think it's time I started listening to myself... like I encouraged Steven to do last night. How hypocritical of me...
...but seriously, I should start listening to myself a little better... I am my date for tomorrow...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
more about the "shoes"
A quick update on the shoes...
Both Friday and Saturday night, I had an encounter with those shoes again... Both nights, I looked at them with adoration. I didn't put them on. I guess because I was getting used to the fact that they were there but pretty much useless since in my heart I knew it wasn't right to parade around in something that wasn't mine.
Oh, by the way, all last week, the shoe salesman harassed me as I walked by... smiling and waving like, "Hey, person with the shoes! How are they working out for you?! Do you like them? I bet that's awesome to have some new shoes. You wanna come see other shoes we carry like those?" That shoe guy, I tell you what... he's so confusing.
Well, today, I told myself, "So the shoes aren't yours. You HAVE to go to that raggedy shoe man and be like, 'Take the shoes back or take my money. I'm not going to keep these things if they aren't rightfully mine.'"
So, I did just that. Well... kinda. I went up to the shoe man and was like, "These shoes did not come from you, so you DON'T want money for them? Correct?" He was like, "Well... The shoes are from here... but they were free... a buy one get one free type thing. Someone bought the first pair and didn't want this second pair, so I figured you would like them. I saw you come around every few days looking at them, so I decided you should have them. The really are no charge. Is that okay?" I figured it was okay.
So I went home and took the shoes out and looked at them once again... I thought to myself, "So I got some free shoes... But that is really kinda weird that the shoe guy just gave me someone else's shoes. LOL. It works though. They are mine, but they were actually someone else's... the shoes were a regift." ( I had to put my own label on the shoes... not mine, not someone else's, not the shoe guy's... but a regift)
So, will we be seeing more of the shoes? I dunno. I think it's too early to tell... I don't want to get them dirty or anything...
Both Friday and Saturday night, I had an encounter with those shoes again... Both nights, I looked at them with adoration. I didn't put them on. I guess because I was getting used to the fact that they were there but pretty much useless since in my heart I knew it wasn't right to parade around in something that wasn't mine.
Oh, by the way, all last week, the shoe salesman harassed me as I walked by... smiling and waving like, "Hey, person with the shoes! How are they working out for you?! Do you like them? I bet that's awesome to have some new shoes. You wanna come see other shoes we carry like those?" That shoe guy, I tell you what... he's so confusing.
Well, today, I told myself, "So the shoes aren't yours. You HAVE to go to that raggedy shoe man and be like, 'Take the shoes back or take my money. I'm not going to keep these things if they aren't rightfully mine.'"
So, I did just that. Well... kinda. I went up to the shoe man and was like, "These shoes did not come from you, so you DON'T want money for them? Correct?" He was like, "Well... The shoes are from here... but they were free... a buy one get one free type thing. Someone bought the first pair and didn't want this second pair, so I figured you would like them. I saw you come around every few days looking at them, so I decided you should have them. The really are no charge. Is that okay?" I figured it was okay.
So I went home and took the shoes out and looked at them once again... I thought to myself, "So I got some free shoes... But that is really kinda weird that the shoe guy just gave me someone else's shoes. LOL. It works though. They are mine, but they were actually someone else's... the shoes were a regift." ( I had to put my own label on the shoes... not mine, not someone else's, not the shoe guy's... but a regift)
So, will we be seeing more of the shoes? I dunno. I think it's too early to tell... I don't want to get them dirty or anything...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
"shoes"
So very sorry to have bored you with my last few entries... I think Freddie said it best when he labled it "shitacular." I love that word. And honestly, he called it exactly what it was... shitacular.
My predicament hasn't gotten worlds better or anything, I'm just tired of wallowing in it. It's confusing, and frustrating... and as Steven would say, "hella" crazy. Frankly, I'm tired of hella craziness.
So this entry is meant, if anything, to make fun of the situation...
Let's say that I saw something in the store that I wanted... a pair of really hot shoes. I saw them back in like early December... maybe even November. But, stupid me, I was too much of a pansy to spend a little extra money to buy them. So I walked past the shoe store once a week, oogling the shoes, wishing there was some way to let someone know that I liked them... 'cause maybe I could get them for Christmas.
Well, Christmas came and went... no shoes. However, on New Years, the shoes magically appeared on my front doorstep. I mean, it was so bizarre, that for a while, I didn't know what to do. I let them just sit there on my doorstep, as I came and left.
Eventually, I picked them up and brought them inside. But I told myself, I shouldn't wear them unless I find out who gave them to me and/or I pay for them, so I just put them in my closet.
Well, about a week after New Years, I sat there staring at them. I couldn't help it. I put a shoe on... not both, just one. It felt good, but not right. So, I took it off and sat the shoes out in front of my bed... in plain sight. I didn't wear them.... I just looked at them.
Well, a week later, I went to try the shoes again... but even though I was ready for them, I couldn't find them. It's like they vanished. I was pissed... until I found them the next day...
...when I put them on. I put them on all the way. SO COMFORTABLE. I couldn't stand it almost. At that point, I was sold on the shoes. I was willing to pay for them without truly knowing their origin. So I went to go and pay for them... but then, when I went to the shoe store, I found out that the shoe salesman didn't want my money. He was like, "Yes, we sell those shoes, but you don't need to pay for them. In fact, I don't even know if they were bought from this store."
At this... I was so distressed... I am not the type of person to wear shoes that don't RIGHTFULLY belong to me. And also, the nerve of that shoe salesman! Who wouldn't take money, even when they didn't deserve it... then again, I wasn't willing to take the shoes even though I didn't deserve them.
I sulked for about 2 weeks. I would look at the shoes every once in a while, but I would hiss at them, spit at them, roll my eyes when I saw them... you know, stupid stuff that you really wouldn't do to inanimate objects. LOL.
Well, last weekend, I decided to take the shoes out again. I sat there staring at them for a while and thought to myself, forget it... they are free shoes... you don't have to wear them... just realize you have some shoes... and you don't really know where they came from. So, I was all cool with the shoes...
And I was all happy... getting ready to go out... all giddy, listening to some pre-party music... and even partaking in some pre-party beverages... well... I accidentally put the shoes on--both of them. And I wore them ALL NIGHT.
When I got home and realized what I did, I was actually okay with it. I kinda felt okay with it. The shoes were comfy... and I didn't mess them up or anything. No one accused me of stealing or being ungrateful or anything... so, for a while, I was just like, "Yay. Shoes." Now, I'm kinda wanting to wear the shoes... but I'm beginning to want to pay for them again. And every so often, when I pass by the shoe store, the salesman smiles and waves like he knows I'm that weird guy who wanted to pay for the shoes... maybe he realizes he was a jerk for not taking the money in the first place???
I dunno.
Now I stand here with the shoes... just sitting around. And after typing all this, part of me thinks that I should just get rid of the shoes. I won't really be losing anything, 'cause it's not like I did anything to get the shoes. The only thing is... I didn't mention that I don't have any other shoes...
So yeah... shoes. Go figure. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Nick doesn't like the shoes? LOL...
My predicament hasn't gotten worlds better or anything, I'm just tired of wallowing in it. It's confusing, and frustrating... and as Steven would say, "hella" crazy. Frankly, I'm tired of hella craziness.
So this entry is meant, if anything, to make fun of the situation...
Let's say that I saw something in the store that I wanted... a pair of really hot shoes. I saw them back in like early December... maybe even November. But, stupid me, I was too much of a pansy to spend a little extra money to buy them. So I walked past the shoe store once a week, oogling the shoes, wishing there was some way to let someone know that I liked them... 'cause maybe I could get them for Christmas.
Well, Christmas came and went... no shoes. However, on New Years, the shoes magically appeared on my front doorstep. I mean, it was so bizarre, that for a while, I didn't know what to do. I let them just sit there on my doorstep, as I came and left.
Eventually, I picked them up and brought them inside. But I told myself, I shouldn't wear them unless I find out who gave them to me and/or I pay for them, so I just put them in my closet.
Well, about a week after New Years, I sat there staring at them. I couldn't help it. I put a shoe on... not both, just one. It felt good, but not right. So, I took it off and sat the shoes out in front of my bed... in plain sight. I didn't wear them.... I just looked at them.
Well, a week later, I went to try the shoes again... but even though I was ready for them, I couldn't find them. It's like they vanished. I was pissed... until I found them the next day...
...when I put them on. I put them on all the way. SO COMFORTABLE. I couldn't stand it almost. At that point, I was sold on the shoes. I was willing to pay for them without truly knowing their origin. So I went to go and pay for them... but then, when I went to the shoe store, I found out that the shoe salesman didn't want my money. He was like, "Yes, we sell those shoes, but you don't need to pay for them. In fact, I don't even know if they were bought from this store."
At this... I was so distressed... I am not the type of person to wear shoes that don't RIGHTFULLY belong to me. And also, the nerve of that shoe salesman! Who wouldn't take money, even when they didn't deserve it... then again, I wasn't willing to take the shoes even though I didn't deserve them.
I sulked for about 2 weeks. I would look at the shoes every once in a while, but I would hiss at them, spit at them, roll my eyes when I saw them... you know, stupid stuff that you really wouldn't do to inanimate objects. LOL.
Well, last weekend, I decided to take the shoes out again. I sat there staring at them for a while and thought to myself, forget it... they are free shoes... you don't have to wear them... just realize you have some shoes... and you don't really know where they came from. So, I was all cool with the shoes...
And I was all happy... getting ready to go out... all giddy, listening to some pre-party music... and even partaking in some pre-party beverages... well... I accidentally put the shoes on--both of them. And I wore them ALL NIGHT.
When I got home and realized what I did, I was actually okay with it. I kinda felt okay with it. The shoes were comfy... and I didn't mess them up or anything. No one accused me of stealing or being ungrateful or anything... so, for a while, I was just like, "Yay. Shoes." Now, I'm kinda wanting to wear the shoes... but I'm beginning to want to pay for them again. And every so often, when I pass by the shoe store, the salesman smiles and waves like he knows I'm that weird guy who wanted to pay for the shoes... maybe he realizes he was a jerk for not taking the money in the first place???
I dunno.
Now I stand here with the shoes... just sitting around. And after typing all this, part of me thinks that I should just get rid of the shoes. I won't really be losing anything, 'cause it's not like I did anything to get the shoes. The only thing is... I didn't mention that I don't have any other shoes...
So yeah... shoes. Go figure. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Nick doesn't like the shoes? LOL...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
you'll never be alone
Eff that... this blog is getting closer and closer to being THE secret blog each time I write in it. I really don't care. This stuff is deep... and real. So yes, eff that...
Anyway, tonight I went to Clemson and had dinner with Nichole. Before, I had a little caucus with Nick, and after, I had this big "come to Jesus" discussion with Laura. It's so funny how much my friends can make me think. I am truly blessed to have friends that inspire such introspection.
Laura's discussion with me was honestly just what I needed. A sincere talk with an old friend, who wouldn't judge me whatsoever. Ironically, she is only an "old" friend because I haven't seen her since August. But, I truly love her, and I appreciate her for the great friend she has become.
And you know, honestly, we discussed so much that it would be quite difficult to write about any one or even few things she said that really stood out to me. It was just perfect... although, the ride back to Greenville was full of thoughts racing through my head. I kept asking myself questions, kicking myself for things I have done, and trying to coerce myself into doing and not doing certain things.
On the way back, however, a song came into my mind... one that I have always loved and one whose lyrics have made me cry and smile. Right now, they make me uneasy, honestly. I am having a little difficulty believing the words and even understanding them... but as always, the music is what seems to soothe when even the words can't...
Anytime you feel like
You just can't go on
Hold onto my love
And you'll never be alone...
Hold on
We can make it through the fire
And my love
I'm forever by your side
And you know
If you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
You'll never be alone
Hmm... Is that so?
Anyway, tonight I went to Clemson and had dinner with Nichole. Before, I had a little caucus with Nick, and after, I had this big "come to Jesus" discussion with Laura. It's so funny how much my friends can make me think. I am truly blessed to have friends that inspire such introspection.
Laura's discussion with me was honestly just what I needed. A sincere talk with an old friend, who wouldn't judge me whatsoever. Ironically, she is only an "old" friend because I haven't seen her since August. But, I truly love her, and I appreciate her for the great friend she has become.
And you know, honestly, we discussed so much that it would be quite difficult to write about any one or even few things she said that really stood out to me. It was just perfect... although, the ride back to Greenville was full of thoughts racing through my head. I kept asking myself questions, kicking myself for things I have done, and trying to coerce myself into doing and not doing certain things.
On the way back, however, a song came into my mind... one that I have always loved and one whose lyrics have made me cry and smile. Right now, they make me uneasy, honestly. I am having a little difficulty believing the words and even understanding them... but as always, the music is what seems to soothe when even the words can't...
Anytime you feel like
You just can't go on
Hold onto my love
And you'll never be alone...
Hold on
We can make it through the fire
And my love
I'm forever by your side
And you know
If you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
You'll never be alone
Hmm... Is that so?
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