stolen identity

Well, on Friday, I realized that something was up with my bank account.

I was supposed to have gotten paid Thursday night, so when I woke up and checked my account online and saw $160 missing and that my check had not even cleared, I knew something was wrong.

When I called the bank on Friday afternoon, I learned that apparently, I had made a $981 debit to Western Union to some woman in Las Vegas, Nevada. And also, I apparently had called from my phone, given my address for confirmation... it was the weirdest thing.

So, someone apparently stole my identity AND my bank card number and did all this online.

Boo.

I just thought you'd like to know about it.

I will apparently get those funds back, if they do actually clear the bank. As for right now, my card number has been nullified and I am waiting on a new one.

In other news, I'm pretty bored... and blah. No use in complaining though...

lame?

Am I lame?

I mean, I try to be a fun guy, but you know, sometimes, funness doesn't lend itself to me.

Like last night, for example...

I know that I was not the most exciting guy ever at the event that I went to, but I think I had good reason to not be highly amused.

First of all, I am a shy individual. I am. I just am. I can't help it. It doesn't mean that I am a prude, or not fun, or boring... it just means that it takes a minute for me to warm up to people. I think most people would agree that once I have warmed up, I am quite an enjoyable person to be around. It just takes me a minute. It also takes something else...

For me to warm up to a person, that person has to be worth my warming up. Now this is where I know that I am going to come off as a snob or sadiddy... but you know what, I could really care less. It has taken me a lot to get to the point where I am in my life, and I am not going to compromise it because there are other people in this world that think that being successful and intelligent is "uncool."

Point blank: I don't like dumb people. Hello? I do have the dumb pe0ple blog. While I haven't written in it in about 2 years, dumb people are STILL out in full force. And, it seems that now that I am out of college and in contact with the non-collegiate world, the ignorance and stupidity is even more rampant than in college. As a matter of fact, I am going to give all of the "dumb pe0ple" addressed in the blog that went to Clemson (and actually FINISHED) a huge apology. Okay, not an apology... yeah, y'all were stupid, but I will charge it to your attempts to live the college life to the fullest ('cause out of college actually is pretty lame).

Anyway, like I said, the dumb people... I hate them. The types of people who do and say stupid things that could be avoided with a little preconcieved thought. I know to the dumb people in question, that takes a lot of the fun away from things, but life can be just as fun... If you learn to appreciate those who do use their minds and not think of them as lifeless losers.

Now, I am in no way saying that anyone called me that or treated me as one (except for one fake tanned janky mout' hobitch with a too small jacket and some $5 bobo shoes who thought she was the most amazing thing that Ohio had to offer). I am just saying that I, honestly, would have considered myself one... I mean, compared to some of the individuals there.

Anyway, I am faced with this dilemma this year in Greenville... I mean, I survived one year... and it was good... Um. SIKE. It was alright. A huge learning experience, yes. Anyway, it seems as if there is a lack of good, decent people to just befriend. I am in NO way looking for an r-thingy. I am, this time, looking for an f-thingy: a FRIENDship. Yes, I have friends here... Steven and Kate most definitely, but they both have their own lives... Kate friggin' has a HUSBAND, HELLO? I also have other friends too... I don't see or talk to them as frequently, but they are around... and of course, there are people from school. I have 3 good teacher friends, but as much as I appreciate them, sometimes, I feel as if there is only so much time I should spend with co-workers. I dunno.

So, I am plagued with being lame and short on friends. It really isn't BAD, persay... just a little... disappointing sometimes. And it's not even really upsetting... just because I understand why: I am young, basically just out of college, NOT dating anyone, and limited with time due to work and school... plus, I am coming out of an amazing college experience with the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. So, for now, I will deal with coming off as lame. There have to be some other lame people who are also looking for acquaintances...

something from patrick

Patrick said this tonight on the phone and I loved it... I might need to mention it in tomorrow's writing lesson... since we are talking about similies and metaphors.

"Being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere is like going to college and not getting a degree."

I love it. Not only does it make perfect sense and call out those individuals who are in meaningless, stagnate relationships, but it also has the most perfect amount of snobbery: it addresses those less than desirable slackers who feel as if they are on the level of us bachelors who have completed our education processes at institutions of higher learning. We didn't go just to piddle away daddy's money for 7 years... we went to get our learn on...

...wait a minute. The whole point of the quote was about relationships with no direction, right? Sorry... didn't mean to get off on a tangent there.

Patrick is right though. What is the point of being in a relationship like that? When you look at that, and you look at many of the relationships of friends around you, it should make you feel a little better. If you are in a relationship, you should value it's direction, or START a direction if it lacks one... and if you are in the midst of those in relationships... look to see if theirs actually has one... it might make you appreciate the fact that you aren't in one...

HBS

You know how matter of fact people have become with illnesses and diseases? It’s like, “It’s so common and unavoidable that we have just decided to refer to sicknesses with acronyms. IBS, HPV, UTI, HIV, AIDS, STD…

Well, I have come up with a new one… and this one is definitely matter of fact just because there are so many types of these people around, that it really kinda irks me. Okay, it seriously irks me. GRR (and that's not a disease acronym).

HBS.

Horny Bastard Syndrome.

Can I just say that I am SUPER tired of fools with Horny Bastard Syndrome? Let me just say, to the man who thinks with the head in his pants (the tragic victim of HBS), you sir, make me sick.

Here is an example of an individual with HBS:

I was at... an event last month. An event involving some friends. When a friend of a friend (the HBS victim in question) saw 2 highly attractive individuals, the HBS symptoms began showing up... quotes like, "Oooh, DAMN!" and the ever sickening chin rub. Yes, HBS had definitely struck this individual.

And then HBS can appear from distances far away and via communication devices such as AIM. Stupid little jokes, chain letters, and flirty passes can be transmitted asexually... or sexually through MySpace sex (yes... that shit actually happens).

It's an epidemic, folks. HBS is sweeping the nation. Women don't get it as much, but the majority of males between the ages of 16 and 30 have it.

I don't.

when is enough, enough?

I was talking to a friend tonight about an ongoing situation involving a love interest... not mine, remember, I like sandwiches and naps after school... no time for a love interest.

Anyway, after hearing my friend's stories of waiting patiently for IMs, text messages, phone calls, and any other sort of acknowledgement of existence, I began to tire myself. It sucks to see your friends led on and bruised over the potentiality of a possible relationship. I mean, in a way, it hurts just like it would hurt you. I then asked, when is enough, enough?

We all, despite our pessimism, tend to be highly optimisitic. The mere fact that we enter into pursuits of love show that we have some sort of optimisim: "Woah, he/she is nice. I'd like a shot at something special with him/her." No one is TRULY a pessimist... although, at the present moment, I think that I might be the sole textbook definition of one.

But when is enough, enough?

Even though we are highly optimistic creatures, are we also highly masochistic?

sandwich and a nap

So, I just got in from school. It was... a day. Honestly, it was the worst day yet this year. There was obviously something about today, because it was that way in other classrooms at school too. Whatever though. I still think I have a good class. This time last year, my class was in the middle of a steady stream of misbehavior. We're bound to have our good days and bad days, so I'll let them have today.

I thought I had more to write about, but I guess I don't right now. It is pretty early, so I am sure I'll have more to discuss later. All I can think of now is a sandwich and a nap. Yeah, sounds nice.

See? This is why living alone and not having to be accountable to anyone is so great.

'Til later...

the second beginning

Well, from the looks of my last blog entry, one could assume that not only was I coming to the end of hopelessness and all that other stuff, but I was coming to the end of my blogging days completely. That is far from the case. For the past 2 months, I haven't blogged at all... who knows the true reason why. I will say that part of the reason was my involvement in an r-thingy... the r-thingy mentioned in the last entry. Ironically, about a month after I wrote that entry, the r-thingy ceased. I won't lie... unlike the other party involved... it was pleasant while it lasted... and it didn't even end on extremely tragic terms. The end was tragic though... and sharing the title of tragic is my elusive ex.

So, if you haven't gathered yet, I am over it. I have been over it for a while now... I mean, there has been so much other stuff going on anyway... My 23rd birthday, Kate and Deni's FABULOUS wedding, the beginning of school and my INCREDIBLE class, my grad school classes, reconnecting with my amazing friends from Clemson. Forget summertime romances... and romances in general. Also, forget people who need way more than I have to offer in the first place...

Anyway... enough of that.

The main reason why I decided to plop down and start writing tonight is probably because of the point that I have come to in my life. I have gone through ridiculous SHIT this year. There is no need to hide or mask anything. 2006 has been an atrocity of a year. Unfortunately, it is only 3/4 of the way done. I have the fall to worry about now. So far things are good... pretty stagnate and a little boring... but whatever. That's good.

Earlier today, I thought of how good it felt to not be interested in anyone and not have to try to impress anyone or trying to read anyone. I look back at times earlier this year and earlier in life and think about how much of a priority it was for me to be into someone... or have someone remotely into me. It's more trouble than it's worth really. It's tiring... vexxing even. I think that I have come to this place where first of all, I hardly trust anyone (thanks, jerk), and find relationships to be luxuries, not necessities. I know my parents would highly disagree, but I doubt they have been through the mess that I have been through.

It's kinda sad... that I'm 23 and I've pretty much just stopped. I told Steven that last week... "I'm done." And I know I've said it before, but this time, I think I'm pretty sure that I mean it. Actually, I told Steven that I am ruined. Yeah. Ruined definitely describes me at this point. Things that used to make my heart swell with emotion now just make me snicker a little bit--questioning their validity.

Even at Kate and Deni's wedding... an event that at any other time would make me cry like a baby just made me grin. I felt like a dumbass cheshire cat. I can do without acts of kindness and sweet sappy movies like I used to like. It all seems frivolous and fake now. Everything that sounds remotely loving seems to have the taint of dishonesty.

So, let me wrap this up before instead of being cold hearted, I end up sounding like I have no heart at all... this is the second beginning. Not of my life... forget that. I have tried to start over tons of times. I tried to start fresh at the beginning of this year... remember that? "Lose control in '06"? Well, I sure as hell lost it. No sense in trying to regain it or even "TAKE control in THE FALL of '06." I'm simply going to keep on as if Hamilton is the only dude in the world. I have been pretty self centered lately, and judging from how vulnerable I have made myself in the past and how much I think about how others percieve me and who likes me and yadda yadda yadda, that hasn't been an incredibly selfish thing to do. So often I don't give myself enough credit.

Also, I really like the motto that Tiger Band is using this year. It's from Rent. "No Day But Today." That's so true. There is in essence, no day but today... and no one more important today but me.

This is the second beginning...

...and "it's all about the Hamiltons, baby."

an end...

...to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering...

Thanks, Destiny's Child.

Yes. An end. To all that ish. It's over.

An r-thingy... FOR ME.

Thankyouverymuch.

yes and no boxes

Yesterday, EE (the Emotionless Enigma) contacted me with a relationship situation... to be honest, I scared myself with the way in which I reacted. I was so thoughtful and honest... probably so honest that I hurt EE... but I don't care. I do know now that EE has feelings, because he said that he cried last night when he talked to his significant other. I would delve into the whole thing, but it's so complicated, and right now, there are matters of my OWN heart that are getting in the way.

Anyway, one of the things that I told EE was that in relationships, there can't be maybes. Maybes are the worse things ever for relationships... they cause pain and confusion.

I used the analogy of the "Do you like me?" letters passed in class in elementary and middle school. These letters have little boxes at the bottom that say "Check one: Yes or No." So often, children, in their attempt to be kind and non-hurtful, will draw their own "Maybe" box. I can remember the maybe box being disappointing even back in grade school. I remember even when it wasn't even me dealing with the notes... I used to be so annoyed when some little girl would daintily draw her own little box and write "Maybe." Bitch, be a woman and say how you really feel! You don't need to think about anything!

Drawing the maybe box is for fickle people who don't really know what they want. If you have to think that hard about it, just say no. It's very simple. And coming from someone who has been told no before. I would much rather be told no up front and straightforwardly then be dealt the "maybe card." Sitting there suffering and not knowing what the hell is going on through the other person's mind. That's such a terrible feeling... God.

Anyway, I'm kinda in the middle of a maybe situation myself... two of them, exactly. In one respect, I need to tell one individual NO before they think it is really a maybe situation. Right now, on my end it's nothing, but I think on their end, they think that it could grow into something... I need to put a stop to it right away. In another respect... it is actually the same thing, only moving more towards the yes... and I am not the one in charge of the answer... I am waiting patiently on the answer. BUT... a premature no was put out there to keep me grounded for now, with a yes clause... that the yes is a possibility, just not now... see, that is not a maybe...

...that is a no with a "yes clause." Those will do... for a little while...

gotta document this

Because of a Ham Rule and because of lessons I have learned, I can't openly discuss the emotions swirling around in my head and heart right now. But, I just have to document today... this date... this timebecause of recent events.

I believe it was sometime back in January of this year when I spoke of a happy place. Well, that happy place was a decoy. First of all, I wasn't really there for very long, and second of all, the artificial feeling of excitement that I felt at that time was nothing... I can guarantee that. Ironically, it seems that I learned a lot about myself through that dilemma, and a lot of what I learned was that I had no clue as to what was REALLY going on.

That leads me to why I can't just up and say exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions or prophesize about anything forthcoming, but I will say that the feelings I am feeling are AMAZING... and REAL... and INTENSE. If I were to verbalize or publish exactly how I think I am feeling, then as sure as this blog is blue, it would dissolve and dissipate right in front of my eyes... that's just the way it works.

So in essence, I really don't know for sure what I am thinking. When I try to figure that out, I get in trouble. The aforementioned adjectives should be sufficient enough to describe the other adjectives that truly describe my present thoughts and emotions.

Now that I have thoroughly confused myself and my readers, I will retire and let the mysterious jumble of adjectives and feelings simmer in my mind. Thanks.

(Don't try to understand. Just smile and nod.)

new beginning

I think I'm going to have to start writing in here a lot more. I suppose I have what they would call "back-up?" There's a lot of stuff on my plate... or, a lot of stuff in my mind... or, a lot of stuff that I just have built up...

Honestly, it is beginning to feel the way it did kinda earlier this year. But, I have to make a promise to myself that I won't EVER with ANYONE in ANY situation allow myself to be that way again... ridiculously passive and fragile... like a papier mache... THING. I mean, where my whole world was turned upside down, not because of anyone elses doing, but my own for lack of a better word, RETARDEDNESS.

I had come to the realization that I had a problem. And I suppose that I told myself that I was going to try to work on that problem... to change it... to not let uncertainty bother me. But alas, once more, it has gotten the best of me. I have this flaw that no news is bad news... and also that I can't read people... ANYONE.

Like I said, I thought that I had been trying to work on this problem. But no, here I am again.

I was even proud of myself for talking to Katherine and telling her from the point of view of a LOSER as myself, that the best way to deal with someone, whether you like them or not, is be completelty up front and lay it all out there... no holds barred, because both parties will appreciate the honesty, and if in fact, the pair is not meant to be, the individual that is let down is let down with a little more dignity and grace. Yet, at this present state, that couldn't be further from what I want.

But, if this is a new beginning and I have been "changed for the better," I suppose it's time to grow up and face the music. I've been through tough shit... this should/will be nothing...

hiatus?

Well, greetings! It has been a hell of a long time, hasn't it? I guess after the toe surgery and the worst spring break in the history of the unltraverse, I haven't been very inspired. Honestly, I became a slave to television and a little less than a slob.

My evenings have revolved around my sofa and the television (Everybody Loves Raymond, American Idol, House, Unan1mous, and The OC to be specific). Too much television... too much time on my couch.

I guess I was learning to deal with my situation of being pretty much a loner. I don't have many people in my life, and those who dawdle in and out of it lots of times don't manage to be worth two cents.

I'm not angry or anything. As a matter of fact, I kinda like being to myself. I don't have to answer to anyone or watch out for any surprises or wonder what anyone else is thinking. I've got it all under control.

Just recently, however, like I said, I have tired from the TV and the sofa. See, I had the flu last week... and all my life was was TV and sofa... and coughing, and dizziness, and fever, and vomit. That wasn't fun. So, I think I am ready for a little social interaction.

Surprise though, there is someone HEAVILY interested in me... I mean, more than I have ever imagined anyone would ever be in my life. There is no speculation about this at all. I have heard the words straight from the horse's mouth. Someone is in hot pursuit of me... and frankly... SURPRISINGLY... I don't know if I like it. Like I said, I have enjoyed my singularity. I get text messages from this individual CONSTANTLY... C O N S T A N T L Y. It is to the point where sometimes, I look at my phone, curse, and shove it in my pocket without even reading the text. I guess this is what I wanted though. Ugh. What an irony...

Anyway, you aren't missing anything. The individual and I are not anything.

I on the other hand am 2 other things... ready for school to be out and ready for my foot to be completely better... and I am sorry I have been slack. I'll try to do better.

I'm sure I will with this drama and the impending mammoth amount of free time coming once school gets out.

things suck

No... they really do.

So bad, that I haven't been writing at all... I don't even feel like writing right now.

Okay, so really, things aren't terrible. I mean, sure, I have like no friends, my foot is taking forever to heal, there is a new and strange r-thingy on the horizon, and the end of school is so close I can taste it, but first there is PACT.

So... yeah. Things aren't terrible. They just aren't great either. Maybe when I feel like writing or when things clear up a little (which ever is first), I will delve into some of this ish.

In all seriousness, there are things going on right now that never have before... it's pretty crucial...

green

So I have decided that my color for the moment is green... it is such for many reasons.

First of all, a few weeks, I bought a green hat... the green hat has special meaning for me, ever since Patrick started singing his little remix of Kelis's "Milkshake" song. I love my green hat... even when it doesn't match with anything.

Secondly, green... what a great color for this point of time in my life as well as this point in the year. It's the color of growth. The color that is coming back into the natural spectrum, now that it is getting warmer and plants are starting to bloom and blossom again. Like nature, I have been growing so much this year... and expecially since the beginning of 2006... thanks to a certain douche. Yeah... Anyway, I have learned a lot about myself, and TONS about other people.

Finally, green is the color of Elphaba's skin in Wicked. This green skin scared people away at first, and made people think that she was something terrible, when in reality, in the early part of her life, she was caring and compassionate. Just like me, I used to be such a saccharine sweet type person... always so googly-eyed over lovey dovey stuff... I mean, I guess I still am a little bit, but not as near as much as I was. Just like Elphaba, I am changing... due to things that I learn and experience. Now, my intent is not to become wicked, by any means, but the green of her skin serves as a reminder that no matter what I do go through and whatever is done to me, or what I experience, I shouldn't let it influence me so much, and I should remain true to myself.

See... green. It's a beautiful color.

the worst spring break in the ultraverse

...is in progress.

The only thing that comes to mind is the song lyric, "Never ever have I ever felt so low." Thanks for that, All Saints.

I mean, seriously. It has sucked so bad. I mean, is this really the death of youth? Because it sure does feel like it. It honestly feels like this week had been nothing but a sign telling me that A.) I don't have many friends, B.) the friends I do have have other things to do than hang out with me, C.) being single and living alone is social death.

Believe it or not, I am like TIRED... EXHAUSTED of sitting around and doing nothing. I can't believe it, but I can't wait to go back to school. I can't wait to be in the presence of 17 rowdy children. I can't wait to see my co-workers... the majority of whom are middle aged women. I mean, it's sad that the week of my surgery and spring break combined have sent me into a downward spiral of despair and frustration.

You know, on just about every other front, I am pretty good. No, I'm not in love with anyone... no, I'm not pursuing anyone, no, I have NO prospects whatsoever. But you know what? Forget a relationship. How about some friendship?

Really... I'm just tired of this. So tired, in fact, that I am going back to bed... yes, at 11 am, I am going BACK to bed. There's nothing else to do. No one else to talk to. Even the internet has become depressing. Don't get me started on how lame MySpace and Facebook have become. I effing hate the two of them now. I almost wish I didn't have this computer anymore so I wouldn't go on it at all. It could blow up right now and I would be okay with it.

Anyway, back to bed...

And you know what? Today is Good Friday. Thanks, Jesus for dying for us... today, I kinda feel like I'm right there with you...

breathe... just breathe

Not only is this the song by Anna Nalick that I am listening to, but it is what I have done this week. I have been laid up inside my house for 3 days now, recovering from toe surgery. The surgery was actually an enjoyable experience. The drugs they gave me were phenomenal. LOL. The pain accompaning the recovery has been quite minimal also. I think I probably have a high threshold for pain, but in all honesty, I have forgotten that there is a foreign object in my foot.

Anyway, this week, and having nothing to do has allowed me to breathe... not just literally, but figuratively. I haven't had anything to think about really. I have just been laying around slothfully. At times, I have felt nasty and disgusting because of my situation, but then I realize that I'm not in school, I'm not being bothered with anyone, and my family and a few extremely genuine friends have been available to help me with just about anything.

Ironically, the situation that is ALWAYS at hand hasn't really come up at all. I mean, the anonymity reared a few days ago with a seemingly caring phone call and the threat of a visit, but other than that, things haven't bothered me all that much. I think V E R Y slowly, I am getting over the anonymity. Then again, do you really get over someone that you admit to loving?

ANYWAY, two nights ago, I watched the series finale of Sex and the City. Can we say waterworks? The last 5 minutes of that show had me crying like a broke crack whore in bad need of a hit. I am so friggin' emotional. I need to get over that... 'cause in a way, it's embarrassing. But, as I told one of my good friends the other day, and as I wrote about in the last entry, you need to let that stuff out. If you don't you go crazy.

Speaking of crazy, I am almost at that point. I am tired of eating ready made food, laying on the sofa watching millions of syndicated sitcoms, and traipsing through my house with crutches. I am dying to leave the comfy seclusion of "The Villa." What sucks even more is that the weather has been nothing less than phenomenal. And I KNOW that as soon as I am able to go outside, it's gonna start raining or something. So is my life...

I also haven't taken a shower since Monday morning. I smell terrible. I am going to attempt to shower after I finish this entry. They told me today I can take the bandage off of my foot and begin wearing my air cast thingy again, so hopefully, that will allow for a little more mobility and excitement in my life.

Maybe I needed this week, not only to recover from my toe surgery, but to recover from the past 3 months of my life. Like my toe, my heart was broken, and it needed to be repaired and bandaged. The sad part is that I will potentially be able to walk on my foot later today--I know I won't be able to love or even like for a good while.

Time to breathe is just that... Who knows when time to love will come back around... if it will at all.

shake it off

we are told the story of the mule in the well. some gentlemen threw a live mule into a well with every intention of burying it. once it was down in the well, they began shoveling dirt onto the mule. that old mule just proceeded to shake it off and pat it down under his feet. in their attempts to bury the mule, they actually helped it get out of the well. you see, every shovel of dirt succeeded in filling the well up and freeing the mule. it just goes to show that what sometimes is meant for bad, can turn out to be good... so just shake it off.

This is my current away message. I actually got this parable from the message I heard tonight at church. Pretty crucial, actually. In a way, I feel like in a way, this is what events in my life have done for me. Years of disappointment and rejection have in a way, turned me into something fierce... The strength I have found within myself and my independence is always growing and increasing, but the fact of the matter is, that I am gaining it. Bad things that have happened and things that haven't gone my way have kind of turned me into this person who values things that other people don't value. It's made me more compassionate in a way, and it has also made me stoic.

But tonight, I also learned that stoic is not necessarily the way to be. The preacher tonight said that people who "always have a smile on their face" are dangerous people. He said those types of people are the ones that go postal on people. I can understand why... people who are "seemingly indifferent to" things that are going on around them harbor their true emotions, and they have stuff built up inside of them. At any random point in time, all those emotions could come out without warning. With me, they come out in the form of tears at the sound of "Stand Up For Love." But for others, it isn't such a romantic release.

He basically said to shake it off: to do just how the mule did and use it as a learning experience... a stepping stone, if you will.

The other great thing about this message was the way in which he spoke of the Bible verse... "God put this in the Bible so you wouldn't go crazy... because people who stay angry go crazy." The verse is Ephesians 4:26. It starts out by saying, "Be ye angry..." which I think is so funny....

...God knew he was creating creatures that were gonna get a little pissy every once in a while.

I think it's great. Basically, it goes on to say don't harbor anger. It is WAY easier said than done. It's even easier said with "shake it off."

So, I am moving from stoicism on to shaking it off.

...Mariah Carey would be proud.

signs

Okay, so greetings from East North Street Academy... I am mos' def at school. I just have to blog about yet another sign that I got regarding my new philosophy.

A license plate on the front of a car in the parking lot says:

Must be nice.

No, it's not my car... but this sign, like last night's, was definitely meant for me.

fortune(?) cookies

This evening, I joined my family for dinner at a Chinese buffet. Like always, we got fortune cookies with our check. Ironically, fortune cookies don't really do much for me. I am not big into sweets, and I most certainly am not into dry crackers with a slight hint of orange. The thing about fortune cookies that excite me are the fortunes that are inside. I like the fortunes so much, that I get pissed off when there is no fortune on the inside, but just a statement... like when it says something like, "You are well liked." That isn't a fortune... that's lame. On a fortune, I am looking for something that will alert me of things to come, as well as maybe some lucky numbers and on the other side, "Learn Chinese" (on one of the fortunes I am about to talk to, it says that the word 'children' is pronounced 'hai-zi').

Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a person who holds a lot of stock in things other than my religion, but sometimes, I think that God can speak through other avenues... for example, fortunes. Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell got a fortune last spring that said something along the lines of "You will win a great title." She friggin' won Miss South Carolina. Coincidence? Who knows. There's got to be a reason why she picked THAT particular fortune cookie and not one of the others that was sitting on her table... maybe because that fortune was meant for her.

Regardless, I got a fortune this evening. I also got one a while back. The one that I have had for a while now has sat on my computer desk for probably the last few weeks or so. It says:

You can have anything you want if you want it desparately enough.

In all actuality, this fortune really isn't a "fortune." It's one of those that states something... a word of wisdom, maybe. At any rate, it is a pleasant reminder... basically, not to give up hope.

The fortune I got today is nothing less than A FORTUNE. Ironically, it comes just a day after I came to the realization that being a nice guy will eventually be worth something. The fortune says:

Your kindness is surely to be repaid.

When I opened up the little slip of paper, I actually got a chill. It was almost as if it was an affirmation that my decision to "stand up for love" is the right thing to do... and that it will bring about something good. I'm just stupid enough to believe it.

When numbers of other people, EE included, say that I am dull and "no one likes a nice guy, everyone likes a badass," something completely random--an outside, unconnected source--tells me that I will be rewarded due to my kindness.

You know... sure it's a little insignificant piece of paper... but for the first time in about 3 months, I feel as if I KNOW I am doing something right...

stand up for love

This is going to be one of my more philanthropic blog entries... just to warn you.

So, I have a confession to make... my ghetto car lacks a stereo... for an individual rooted in music as myself, that is a huge dilemma. So what do I do? Something highly illegal, that's what. I listen to headphones in the car. It is frowned upon greatly, but I don't care. Things are always a little better when there is a song in my heart.

Well, this morning, on the way to church, I decided to listen to Destiny's Child. The first song on their #1's CD is Stand Up For Love. It's supposed to be about helping children... I suppose third world country children. Apparently it was the anthem for World Children's Day last year (who knew that day existed?). Anyway, I was listening to it, and the weirdest thing happend.

I burst into this embarrassing ball of emotions. I mean, the waterworks came full force. It was like the Hartwell Dam broke.

Honestly, I think the whole reason I reacted in that way physically was because for the past about 2 weeks, I have been completely stoic... I think I wrote about it. It's like emotions wouldn't come. I wasn't necessarily apathetic to things, it's just that I didn't have any sort of outward expression to anything that was going on. Today was honestly the first time in about 2 weeks that I expressed any emotion outwardly.

And it was all because of this song... not because I got all "Save the Children" or anything, but because of my own personal predicament at this point in time.

For the past few weeks, a few people have informed me that I am basically dull... I don't intrigue anyone because I am not... I guess "dynamic" enough. And when I say dynamic, they mean "wild." When I meet someone, I don't immediately jump at the chance to hook up or get some ass... you know? That isn't me. As terrible as a person I might think I am, or anyone who reads this may think I am, I have to admit, that I have never been that type of person. Honestly, I don't know what has made me that type of person either. Maybe it is the fact that I have been rejected so many times that I don't even see anyone as a potential anything. Or maybe it's the fact that the type of people who do that have historically been a turn off to me. I don't know.

In order to save the face of the individual I am about to speak about, I will refer to them as Emotionless Enigma, or EE. EE and I were talking the other day when I challenged EE NOT to hook up with anyone this weekend. Mind you, EE is one of the individuals who claims that I am a stick in the mud... and no one likes a stick in the mud. EE fought with me about why it wouldn't be a bad idea to mess around. I gave into EE's banter, but once the conversation was over, I still thought to myself, "That is so disappointing."

I mention this because my goal in my present situation is not to "whore" out to meet anyone. EE claims that doing so would be a sure shot at a relationship. Frankly, I don't want a relationship built on that... My idea is that charm has got to still be worth something. I guess I am old fashioned in a way, and I feel that for me, being a nice guy with nice words and a personable demeanor will get me farther than sticking my tongue down someone's throat.

Hence, why the song Stand Up For Love meant so much to me this morning. It says "And I believe, that in my life I will see and end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering... If we stand together this one time and no one will get left behind... stand up for love." Yeah, I know it's talking about loving the kids and whatever, but look at it again and put it in the context of an individual who at times has felt hopeless, like giving up, and suffered. Think about if people... ALL people stopped being so fast and freaky for just a minute and realized that people would be happier and relationships would mean more if people learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer on the full scale, not just on the outside... imagine what it would be like, if there were more people who did Stand Up For Love... people who would be a benefit to everyone, just by showing the mere fact that what they have the ability to love... not just exploit others, but LOVE them.

That's why, I have decided to take the phrase Stand Up For Love and run with it. As dreadful as it has been, and as dreadful as it will surely continue to be, I can't succumb to the school of thought that slutting out will achieve everything I want in a relationship. It's terrible.

My goal is to remain this way... grounded and compassionate... and hopefully that will mean enough to someone.

And by no means am I trying to sound pious or holier than thou. It's just that in my day to day interactions, I don't come in contact with many people who share my philosophy on the matter. At times I really do feel as if I am one of the few who have a desire to maintain charm and adoration between two people.

It's lonely... but someone has to stand up for love.