Well, I successfully blasted McDonalds a while back, but today, I am going to roast Hardee's.
Boo on you, Hardee's. Not for your food, or for the fact that you are a restaurant with an insane identity crisis (first you were burgers, then you were chicken, then you were breakfast, once again you are burgers), but boo on your marketing schemes. I HATE them.
First of all, it upsets me that the only way you can get people to eat your food is by sex appeal. Put that skamp Paris Hilton on TV in almost nothing eating a burger... ooh yeah... now it looks yummy. Boo on that. Unless you are selling a night with Paris Hilton as a gift with purchase for your overgrown mondo sized heart attack on a bun, then you need to have the normal burger eating man on TV advertising your sandwich: a big fat lard ass 40 something year old sitting in a singlewide on cinder blocks in front of a black and white 16 inch TV sitting on a busted floor model TV in Mountain Rest, SC. Yeah. Boo.
Secondly, why are your burgers so big?! I mean, I guess that is what your big selling point is... big burgers... advertised by big brested hobitches. Yeah. Seriously though... half of your Monster (oh my gawd, I'm so scared!) Thickburger is one person's daily value of calories. You are seriously going to be the death of the redneck population. How do you feel about that?
Thirdly (and the reason why I am writing this tirade), when you get done flashing half nekkid women in your advertisements, the big grande burger plops down in front of the viewer. Yeah, it's what you see on TV. But I was checking my Yahoo! mail, and lo and behold, a Spicy BBQ Thickburger plops down on my computer screen. Just the image of that big heff of a burger plopping on top of my inbox was enough to really set me off.
Oh, Hardee's. Please do better.
But don't get me wrong... you are delicious. LOL.
Monday, August 01, 2005
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4 comments:
I always get a Monster Burger when I get there, and I swear! It makes my heart hurt a couple hours later. Not heart burn; it can best be described as a heart-ache. Damn Hardee's given me hear-aches. But they're burgers really are so good! But I can only handle one every 2 weeks.
Personally, I think Hardees should stick to their breakfast biscuits. Why the hell don't they sell those tasty sob's during the day. It pisses me off.
I think Paris was a model for another burger chain and not Hardee's. At any rate, she's still a skank and would never eat those burgers in real life anyway.
No... Paris was most definitely hoing out for Hardee's.
http://www.hardees.com/ontv
Paris Hilton does not have big breasts: she has petite nappy boobs.
One day on my bi-yearly road trip to Florida, I decided not to eat breakfast or lunch. So, about 9 hours into the trip, i was starving. Lo and behold, there was a Hardees. I got a Super-Mega-WhatEverTheHellItIsWhenItsAllTheWayWithBaconAndCheeseAndYummyGoodness Monster burger. My first time eating one, i was astounded by the size. It was like sex in my mouth. I almost moaned it was so good. So, I can see why they're using sex to sell the burger, and they have the appropriate spokeswoman. Here is my reasoning: When you haven't eaten anything in a long time, then you have the burger, it's sexy. Paris Hilton hasn't eaten anything in a year or two (purged the burger she ate in the commercial shortly afterwards.) I was driving, and she was on a car. So, the connection is obvious in my mind. Although, she could try to wear something that makes her look attractive... Wait, that's impossible...
Rock on Mr. H.
~Creepy Carl
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