an end...

...to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering...

Thanks, Destiny's Child.

Yes. An end. To all that ish. It's over.

An r-thingy... FOR ME.

Thankyouverymuch.

yes and no boxes

Yesterday, EE (the Emotionless Enigma) contacted me with a relationship situation... to be honest, I scared myself with the way in which I reacted. I was so thoughtful and honest... probably so honest that I hurt EE... but I don't care. I do know now that EE has feelings, because he said that he cried last night when he talked to his significant other. I would delve into the whole thing, but it's so complicated, and right now, there are matters of my OWN heart that are getting in the way.

Anyway, one of the things that I told EE was that in relationships, there can't be maybes. Maybes are the worse things ever for relationships... they cause pain and confusion.

I used the analogy of the "Do you like me?" letters passed in class in elementary and middle school. These letters have little boxes at the bottom that say "Check one: Yes or No." So often, children, in their attempt to be kind and non-hurtful, will draw their own "Maybe" box. I can remember the maybe box being disappointing even back in grade school. I remember even when it wasn't even me dealing with the notes... I used to be so annoyed when some little girl would daintily draw her own little box and write "Maybe." Bitch, be a woman and say how you really feel! You don't need to think about anything!

Drawing the maybe box is for fickle people who don't really know what they want. If you have to think that hard about it, just say no. It's very simple. And coming from someone who has been told no before. I would much rather be told no up front and straightforwardly then be dealt the "maybe card." Sitting there suffering and not knowing what the hell is going on through the other person's mind. That's such a terrible feeling... God.

Anyway, I'm kinda in the middle of a maybe situation myself... two of them, exactly. In one respect, I need to tell one individual NO before they think it is really a maybe situation. Right now, on my end it's nothing, but I think on their end, they think that it could grow into something... I need to put a stop to it right away. In another respect... it is actually the same thing, only moving more towards the yes... and I am not the one in charge of the answer... I am waiting patiently on the answer. BUT... a premature no was put out there to keep me grounded for now, with a yes clause... that the yes is a possibility, just not now... see, that is not a maybe...

...that is a no with a "yes clause." Those will do... for a little while...

gotta document this

Because of a Ham Rule and because of lessons I have learned, I can't openly discuss the emotions swirling around in my head and heart right now. But, I just have to document today... this date... this timebecause of recent events.

I believe it was sometime back in January of this year when I spoke of a happy place. Well, that happy place was a decoy. First of all, I wasn't really there for very long, and second of all, the artificial feeling of excitement that I felt at that time was nothing... I can guarantee that. Ironically, it seems that I learned a lot about myself through that dilemma, and a lot of what I learned was that I had no clue as to what was REALLY going on.

That leads me to why I can't just up and say exactly what I'm feeling. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions or prophesize about anything forthcoming, but I will say that the feelings I am feeling are AMAZING... and REAL... and INTENSE. If I were to verbalize or publish exactly how I think I am feeling, then as sure as this blog is blue, it would dissolve and dissipate right in front of my eyes... that's just the way it works.

So in essence, I really don't know for sure what I am thinking. When I try to figure that out, I get in trouble. The aforementioned adjectives should be sufficient enough to describe the other adjectives that truly describe my present thoughts and emotions.

Now that I have thoroughly confused myself and my readers, I will retire and let the mysterious jumble of adjectives and feelings simmer in my mind. Thanks.

(Don't try to understand. Just smile and nod.)

new beginning

I think I'm going to have to start writing in here a lot more. I suppose I have what they would call "back-up?" There's a lot of stuff on my plate... or, a lot of stuff in my mind... or, a lot of stuff that I just have built up...

Honestly, it is beginning to feel the way it did kinda earlier this year. But, I have to make a promise to myself that I won't EVER with ANYONE in ANY situation allow myself to be that way again... ridiculously passive and fragile... like a papier mache... THING. I mean, where my whole world was turned upside down, not because of anyone elses doing, but my own for lack of a better word, RETARDEDNESS.

I had come to the realization that I had a problem. And I suppose that I told myself that I was going to try to work on that problem... to change it... to not let uncertainty bother me. But alas, once more, it has gotten the best of me. I have this flaw that no news is bad news... and also that I can't read people... ANYONE.

Like I said, I thought that I had been trying to work on this problem. But no, here I am again.

I was even proud of myself for talking to Katherine and telling her from the point of view of a LOSER as myself, that the best way to deal with someone, whether you like them or not, is be completelty up front and lay it all out there... no holds barred, because both parties will appreciate the honesty, and if in fact, the pair is not meant to be, the individual that is let down is let down with a little more dignity and grace. Yet, at this present state, that couldn't be further from what I want.

But, if this is a new beginning and I have been "changed for the better," I suppose it's time to grow up and face the music. I've been through tough shit... this should/will be nothing...

hiatus?

Well, greetings! It has been a hell of a long time, hasn't it? I guess after the toe surgery and the worst spring break in the history of the unltraverse, I haven't been very inspired. Honestly, I became a slave to television and a little less than a slob.

My evenings have revolved around my sofa and the television (Everybody Loves Raymond, American Idol, House, Unan1mous, and The OC to be specific). Too much television... too much time on my couch.

I guess I was learning to deal with my situation of being pretty much a loner. I don't have many people in my life, and those who dawdle in and out of it lots of times don't manage to be worth two cents.

I'm not angry or anything. As a matter of fact, I kinda like being to myself. I don't have to answer to anyone or watch out for any surprises or wonder what anyone else is thinking. I've got it all under control.

Just recently, however, like I said, I have tired from the TV and the sofa. See, I had the flu last week... and all my life was was TV and sofa... and coughing, and dizziness, and fever, and vomit. That wasn't fun. So, I think I am ready for a little social interaction.

Surprise though, there is someone HEAVILY interested in me... I mean, more than I have ever imagined anyone would ever be in my life. There is no speculation about this at all. I have heard the words straight from the horse's mouth. Someone is in hot pursuit of me... and frankly... SURPRISINGLY... I don't know if I like it. Like I said, I have enjoyed my singularity. I get text messages from this individual CONSTANTLY... C O N S T A N T L Y. It is to the point where sometimes, I look at my phone, curse, and shove it in my pocket without even reading the text. I guess this is what I wanted though. Ugh. What an irony...

Anyway, you aren't missing anything. The individual and I are not anything.

I on the other hand am 2 other things... ready for school to be out and ready for my foot to be completely better... and I am sorry I have been slack. I'll try to do better.

I'm sure I will with this drama and the impending mammoth amount of free time coming once school gets out.

things suck

No... they really do.

So bad, that I haven't been writing at all... I don't even feel like writing right now.

Okay, so really, things aren't terrible. I mean, sure, I have like no friends, my foot is taking forever to heal, there is a new and strange r-thingy on the horizon, and the end of school is so close I can taste it, but first there is PACT.

So... yeah. Things aren't terrible. They just aren't great either. Maybe when I feel like writing or when things clear up a little (which ever is first), I will delve into some of this ish.

In all seriousness, there are things going on right now that never have before... it's pretty crucial...

green

So I have decided that my color for the moment is green... it is such for many reasons.

First of all, a few weeks, I bought a green hat... the green hat has special meaning for me, ever since Patrick started singing his little remix of Kelis's "Milkshake" song. I love my green hat... even when it doesn't match with anything.

Secondly, green... what a great color for this point of time in my life as well as this point in the year. It's the color of growth. The color that is coming back into the natural spectrum, now that it is getting warmer and plants are starting to bloom and blossom again. Like nature, I have been growing so much this year... and expecially since the beginning of 2006... thanks to a certain douche. Yeah... Anyway, I have learned a lot about myself, and TONS about other people.

Finally, green is the color of Elphaba's skin in Wicked. This green skin scared people away at first, and made people think that she was something terrible, when in reality, in the early part of her life, she was caring and compassionate. Just like me, I used to be such a saccharine sweet type person... always so googly-eyed over lovey dovey stuff... I mean, I guess I still am a little bit, but not as near as much as I was. Just like Elphaba, I am changing... due to things that I learn and experience. Now, my intent is not to become wicked, by any means, but the green of her skin serves as a reminder that no matter what I do go through and whatever is done to me, or what I experience, I shouldn't let it influence me so much, and I should remain true to myself.

See... green. It's a beautiful color.

the worst spring break in the ultraverse

...is in progress.

The only thing that comes to mind is the song lyric, "Never ever have I ever felt so low." Thanks for that, All Saints.

I mean, seriously. It has sucked so bad. I mean, is this really the death of youth? Because it sure does feel like it. It honestly feels like this week had been nothing but a sign telling me that A.) I don't have many friends, B.) the friends I do have have other things to do than hang out with me, C.) being single and living alone is social death.

Believe it or not, I am like TIRED... EXHAUSTED of sitting around and doing nothing. I can't believe it, but I can't wait to go back to school. I can't wait to be in the presence of 17 rowdy children. I can't wait to see my co-workers... the majority of whom are middle aged women. I mean, it's sad that the week of my surgery and spring break combined have sent me into a downward spiral of despair and frustration.

You know, on just about every other front, I am pretty good. No, I'm not in love with anyone... no, I'm not pursuing anyone, no, I have NO prospects whatsoever. But you know what? Forget a relationship. How about some friendship?

Really... I'm just tired of this. So tired, in fact, that I am going back to bed... yes, at 11 am, I am going BACK to bed. There's nothing else to do. No one else to talk to. Even the internet has become depressing. Don't get me started on how lame MySpace and Facebook have become. I effing hate the two of them now. I almost wish I didn't have this computer anymore so I wouldn't go on it at all. It could blow up right now and I would be okay with it.

Anyway, back to bed...

And you know what? Today is Good Friday. Thanks, Jesus for dying for us... today, I kinda feel like I'm right there with you...

breathe... just breathe

Not only is this the song by Anna Nalick that I am listening to, but it is what I have done this week. I have been laid up inside my house for 3 days now, recovering from toe surgery. The surgery was actually an enjoyable experience. The drugs they gave me were phenomenal. LOL. The pain accompaning the recovery has been quite minimal also. I think I probably have a high threshold for pain, but in all honesty, I have forgotten that there is a foreign object in my foot.

Anyway, this week, and having nothing to do has allowed me to breathe... not just literally, but figuratively. I haven't had anything to think about really. I have just been laying around slothfully. At times, I have felt nasty and disgusting because of my situation, but then I realize that I'm not in school, I'm not being bothered with anyone, and my family and a few extremely genuine friends have been available to help me with just about anything.

Ironically, the situation that is ALWAYS at hand hasn't really come up at all. I mean, the anonymity reared a few days ago with a seemingly caring phone call and the threat of a visit, but other than that, things haven't bothered me all that much. I think V E R Y slowly, I am getting over the anonymity. Then again, do you really get over someone that you admit to loving?

ANYWAY, two nights ago, I watched the series finale of Sex and the City. Can we say waterworks? The last 5 minutes of that show had me crying like a broke crack whore in bad need of a hit. I am so friggin' emotional. I need to get over that... 'cause in a way, it's embarrassing. But, as I told one of my good friends the other day, and as I wrote about in the last entry, you need to let that stuff out. If you don't you go crazy.

Speaking of crazy, I am almost at that point. I am tired of eating ready made food, laying on the sofa watching millions of syndicated sitcoms, and traipsing through my house with crutches. I am dying to leave the comfy seclusion of "The Villa." What sucks even more is that the weather has been nothing less than phenomenal. And I KNOW that as soon as I am able to go outside, it's gonna start raining or something. So is my life...

I also haven't taken a shower since Monday morning. I smell terrible. I am going to attempt to shower after I finish this entry. They told me today I can take the bandage off of my foot and begin wearing my air cast thingy again, so hopefully, that will allow for a little more mobility and excitement in my life.

Maybe I needed this week, not only to recover from my toe surgery, but to recover from the past 3 months of my life. Like my toe, my heart was broken, and it needed to be repaired and bandaged. The sad part is that I will potentially be able to walk on my foot later today--I know I won't be able to love or even like for a good while.

Time to breathe is just that... Who knows when time to love will come back around... if it will at all.

shake it off

we are told the story of the mule in the well. some gentlemen threw a live mule into a well with every intention of burying it. once it was down in the well, they began shoveling dirt onto the mule. that old mule just proceeded to shake it off and pat it down under his feet. in their attempts to bury the mule, they actually helped it get out of the well. you see, every shovel of dirt succeeded in filling the well up and freeing the mule. it just goes to show that what sometimes is meant for bad, can turn out to be good... so just shake it off.

This is my current away message. I actually got this parable from the message I heard tonight at church. Pretty crucial, actually. In a way, I feel like in a way, this is what events in my life have done for me. Years of disappointment and rejection have in a way, turned me into something fierce... The strength I have found within myself and my independence is always growing and increasing, but the fact of the matter is, that I am gaining it. Bad things that have happened and things that haven't gone my way have kind of turned me into this person who values things that other people don't value. It's made me more compassionate in a way, and it has also made me stoic.

But tonight, I also learned that stoic is not necessarily the way to be. The preacher tonight said that people who "always have a smile on their face" are dangerous people. He said those types of people are the ones that go postal on people. I can understand why... people who are "seemingly indifferent to" things that are going on around them harbor their true emotions, and they have stuff built up inside of them. At any random point in time, all those emotions could come out without warning. With me, they come out in the form of tears at the sound of "Stand Up For Love." But for others, it isn't such a romantic release.

He basically said to shake it off: to do just how the mule did and use it as a learning experience... a stepping stone, if you will.

The other great thing about this message was the way in which he spoke of the Bible verse... "God put this in the Bible so you wouldn't go crazy... because people who stay angry go crazy." The verse is Ephesians 4:26. It starts out by saying, "Be ye angry..." which I think is so funny....

...God knew he was creating creatures that were gonna get a little pissy every once in a while.

I think it's great. Basically, it goes on to say don't harbor anger. It is WAY easier said than done. It's even easier said with "shake it off."

So, I am moving from stoicism on to shaking it off.

...Mariah Carey would be proud.

signs

Okay, so greetings from East North Street Academy... I am mos' def at school. I just have to blog about yet another sign that I got regarding my new philosophy.

A license plate on the front of a car in the parking lot says:

Must be nice.

No, it's not my car... but this sign, like last night's, was definitely meant for me.

fortune(?) cookies

This evening, I joined my family for dinner at a Chinese buffet. Like always, we got fortune cookies with our check. Ironically, fortune cookies don't really do much for me. I am not big into sweets, and I most certainly am not into dry crackers with a slight hint of orange. The thing about fortune cookies that excite me are the fortunes that are inside. I like the fortunes so much, that I get pissed off when there is no fortune on the inside, but just a statement... like when it says something like, "You are well liked." That isn't a fortune... that's lame. On a fortune, I am looking for something that will alert me of things to come, as well as maybe some lucky numbers and on the other side, "Learn Chinese" (on one of the fortunes I am about to talk to, it says that the word 'children' is pronounced 'hai-zi').

Now, I don't necessarily consider myself a person who holds a lot of stock in things other than my religion, but sometimes, I think that God can speak through other avenues... for example, fortunes. Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell got a fortune last spring that said something along the lines of "You will win a great title." She friggin' won Miss South Carolina. Coincidence? Who knows. There's got to be a reason why she picked THAT particular fortune cookie and not one of the others that was sitting on her table... maybe because that fortune was meant for her.

Regardless, I got a fortune this evening. I also got one a while back. The one that I have had for a while now has sat on my computer desk for probably the last few weeks or so. It says:

You can have anything you want if you want it desparately enough.

In all actuality, this fortune really isn't a "fortune." It's one of those that states something... a word of wisdom, maybe. At any rate, it is a pleasant reminder... basically, not to give up hope.

The fortune I got today is nothing less than A FORTUNE. Ironically, it comes just a day after I came to the realization that being a nice guy will eventually be worth something. The fortune says:

Your kindness is surely to be repaid.

When I opened up the little slip of paper, I actually got a chill. It was almost as if it was an affirmation that my decision to "stand up for love" is the right thing to do... and that it will bring about something good. I'm just stupid enough to believe it.

When numbers of other people, EE included, say that I am dull and "no one likes a nice guy, everyone likes a badass," something completely random--an outside, unconnected source--tells me that I will be rewarded due to my kindness.

You know... sure it's a little insignificant piece of paper... but for the first time in about 3 months, I feel as if I KNOW I am doing something right...

stand up for love

This is going to be one of my more philanthropic blog entries... just to warn you.

So, I have a confession to make... my ghetto car lacks a stereo... for an individual rooted in music as myself, that is a huge dilemma. So what do I do? Something highly illegal, that's what. I listen to headphones in the car. It is frowned upon greatly, but I don't care. Things are always a little better when there is a song in my heart.

Well, this morning, on the way to church, I decided to listen to Destiny's Child. The first song on their #1's CD is Stand Up For Love. It's supposed to be about helping children... I suppose third world country children. Apparently it was the anthem for World Children's Day last year (who knew that day existed?). Anyway, I was listening to it, and the weirdest thing happend.

I burst into this embarrassing ball of emotions. I mean, the waterworks came full force. It was like the Hartwell Dam broke.

Honestly, I think the whole reason I reacted in that way physically was because for the past about 2 weeks, I have been completely stoic... I think I wrote about it. It's like emotions wouldn't come. I wasn't necessarily apathetic to things, it's just that I didn't have any sort of outward expression to anything that was going on. Today was honestly the first time in about 2 weeks that I expressed any emotion outwardly.

And it was all because of this song... not because I got all "Save the Children" or anything, but because of my own personal predicament at this point in time.

For the past few weeks, a few people have informed me that I am basically dull... I don't intrigue anyone because I am not... I guess "dynamic" enough. And when I say dynamic, they mean "wild." When I meet someone, I don't immediately jump at the chance to hook up or get some ass... you know? That isn't me. As terrible as a person I might think I am, or anyone who reads this may think I am, I have to admit, that I have never been that type of person. Honestly, I don't know what has made me that type of person either. Maybe it is the fact that I have been rejected so many times that I don't even see anyone as a potential anything. Or maybe it's the fact that the type of people who do that have historically been a turn off to me. I don't know.

In order to save the face of the individual I am about to speak about, I will refer to them as Emotionless Enigma, or EE. EE and I were talking the other day when I challenged EE NOT to hook up with anyone this weekend. Mind you, EE is one of the individuals who claims that I am a stick in the mud... and no one likes a stick in the mud. EE fought with me about why it wouldn't be a bad idea to mess around. I gave into EE's banter, but once the conversation was over, I still thought to myself, "That is so disappointing."

I mention this because my goal in my present situation is not to "whore" out to meet anyone. EE claims that doing so would be a sure shot at a relationship. Frankly, I don't want a relationship built on that... My idea is that charm has got to still be worth something. I guess I am old fashioned in a way, and I feel that for me, being a nice guy with nice words and a personable demeanor will get me farther than sticking my tongue down someone's throat.

Hence, why the song Stand Up For Love meant so much to me this morning. It says "And I believe, that in my life I will see and end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering... If we stand together this one time and no one will get left behind... stand up for love." Yeah, I know it's talking about loving the kids and whatever, but look at it again and put it in the context of an individual who at times has felt hopeless, like giving up, and suffered. Think about if people... ALL people stopped being so fast and freaky for just a minute and realized that people would be happier and relationships would mean more if people learned to appreciate people for what they have to offer on the full scale, not just on the outside... imagine what it would be like, if there were more people who did Stand Up For Love... people who would be a benefit to everyone, just by showing the mere fact that what they have the ability to love... not just exploit others, but LOVE them.

That's why, I have decided to take the phrase Stand Up For Love and run with it. As dreadful as it has been, and as dreadful as it will surely continue to be, I can't succumb to the school of thought that slutting out will achieve everything I want in a relationship. It's terrible.

My goal is to remain this way... grounded and compassionate... and hopefully that will mean enough to someone.

And by no means am I trying to sound pious or holier than thou. It's just that in my day to day interactions, I don't come in contact with many people who share my philosophy on the matter. At times I really do feel as if I am one of the few who have a desire to maintain charm and adoration between two people.

It's lonely... but someone has to stand up for love.

"the terra complex"

Kate and I have this acquaintance... LOL.

This acquaintance is affectionately called "Terra" (for obvious reasons, which we will not delve into at this present time).

Terra uses AOL Instant Messenger... but ONLY when she needs to either brag or boast or bitch about something. She isn't like the rest of us AIM crazed individuals who get excited when we have been signed on for more than 7 days and it doesn't switch to "1 week." She will get on sporadically and immediately put up an away message... proclaiming something exciting like something new in her life, or something dreadfully terrible, like having a 18,000,000 page paper to write. This annoyed us.

I tell the story of Terra just to remind myself NOT to be her. For a good while, I was writing in here daily... if not every other day. And then, when everything involving that one individual stopped, I stopped writing. That ain't right.

So now, I come to you, not really with anything to write about, but just to write to ensure you that I am not suffering from "The Terra Complex."

I am however suffering from something... something that I can't quite put my finger on, however, it is suffering to say the least. When I think about it, all I can think of is the song "What is This Feeling?" from Wicked.

Loathing.
Unadulterated loathing.

Dictionary.com defines loathing as "To dislike (someone or something) greatly; abhor."

Well... what exactly is it that I dislike greatly... or abhor? Ohhhh, let me count...

...let's just say--I loathe it all!

rescinding that statement

So earlier this morning, I said "fuck optimism." I'm sorry. I had just woken up... and the events from the previous night were fresh on my mind. I mean, they are right now as well, but I have uncovered a newfound optimism in the whole situation. So I have figured out that nothing will happen in this particular situation, but it opens many other doors and clears my mind in a way.

For the past 2 months, I have been all about this, and close minded to so many other things... but you know now, I can open up a little more... calm down some... and basically have an immense amount of fun (if I retain my motto of the year to "Lose Control in '06). I wasn't in a relationship, but it seems like I kind of was, because I gave no one else any attention or any thought... but now, I realize that I have a good friend... and the potential to... well... get heartbroken again.

Seriously, giving up looks like a good move right now. Have we ever seen anything flourish from any of these love interests?

fuck optimism

...just wanted to let y'all know that once again, like I always figured in the back of my head, being optimistic doesn't mean a fucking thing.

Take it as you will... you know what it means.

I'm through.

...and for yet another reason, St. Patrick's Day will forever be a terrible day.

listening to alan...

...is something that I LOVE doing.

Talking to Alan is like the most perfect thing in the world almost. It is hard to believe that I have only known him for about 5 months and been close to him for only about 2 of those months, 'cause Alan and I can have conversations that I would NEVER have with other people... even people from Clemson.

On top of that, I think Alan is an INCREDIBLY intelligent person... especially in dealing with people and matters of the heart.

For a while, I actually was kind of upset with him for suggesting the whole badass route for my predicament... but then I realized that I was the one that had him under the impression that I NEEDED to act as such. In all reality, I don't need to be a badass... however, I think I like the attitude.

Anyway, I intended on going to bed early last night, but Alan talked to me for about 2 hours... and boy was it a deep convo. The way Alan can read people is almost frightening. What is even more frightening is the fact that Alan said that I have the ability, in my softy side, to break badasses down to their inner softy side...

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I was like, that is hella awesome! I didn't realize how powerful I was... I thought having the ability to make the problem child in my class cry was just the mean teacher in me... lol. Just kidding... love my little knuckleheads.

But still, it was a highlyintriguing conversation that made me HIGHLY optimistic. You wouldn't know it, but in my secret blog the other day, I discussed about how optimistic I was about to be... and I was. But, the optimism in the secret blog was nothing like the optimism I felt as I went to bed last night... I really think that it is the reason why my 6 hours of sleep felt like 10 hours... no kidding.

So anyway, I hate being elusive in these blog entries... I really do. But, it SO wouldn't be me if I came out and said anything at all incriminating. Funny thing is how vague I can be but still have so much to write about and still keep so many interested. LOL. Seriously though... lets look back on some of the other elusive characters of king congruence...

2004 - "The USC Fan" and "The Crush"
2005 - "Kamikaze"
2006 - "Shoes/The anonymity known as my company to Myrtle Beach"

Damn. Looking at the past, it doesn't look good for 2006... but for some reason, I can't help but be a tiny bit more optimistic.

If for nothing else but keeping me humble and grounded, I turn to The Ben...

...still thinks he might
he knows he won't...

no good deed

I guess you could think of this as a sequal to birth of a badass. It comes from a great song that I discovered this evening. Thanks to a good deed done by Nichole, I recieved the Wicked CD. I don't know if I have talked about Wicked before... I don't really think I have. It's basically a musical about the Wicked Witch of the West... and I haven't seen it, nor do I know the real premise of it. All I can tell is Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, basically turns wicked because she gets fucked over... from the beginning, she's different, and just not as perfect and bubbly as others...

In the song No Good Deed, it seems that the one person who loved her and she loved back has been taken from her somehow... and she is doing all she can in order to get him back. Apparently, something that she did--something good--got him taken away from her in the first place. Please don't look to me for the truly annotated Cliffs version. I am simply just using context clues.

Anyway, in the song, she says:

No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished

If I ever needed something to tell me that everything I wrote the other day made perfect sense, here it is. Confusingly enough, it has honestly been a little difficult in being a sever badass. In fact, today, I did an act of kindness... that could possibly be considered superfluous and unneccesary... but hey. That is definitely me...

But seriously, it seems like the only thing I need to ponder on if I get too soft and begin to abandon the whole badass thing, is Elphaba's pain in losing the one thing she wanted and lost due to her good deed. And once again, like I said, I don't know if this is what really happens in Wicked... all I know is that it is what I have gathered... and for the time being, it is quite relevant.

I'm seriously going to have to see this VERY soon... another song's lyrics are now haunting me... they're perfect as well... in a completely different, but just as relevant way...

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of What-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...

You know... the badass... as badass as he is... DOES have a heart...

...that's where the good deeds come from.

birth of a badass

"Everyone likes a badass."

Words that haunt my ears at the present moment.

Alan visited this weekend... and he told me that my tragic flaw is that I am too nice. UGH. What was all that shit that I went through back during junior year in KKPsi. I thought the scars from that second semester made me enough of a punk. Apparently not.

I also thought that the bourgeoise comments I tend to make about people, their homes, and their educations was pretty bad ass as well. Alas, no.

Just as I was told in high school, and the early college years, I am a fucking nice guy that can only be seen as "the friend."

WELL, FUCK THAT. Seriously.

So, I am nice. Well, I do believe that the last 2 months, on top of other stupid shit that has just built up in my life will allow me to truly say a big "fuck you" to a particular someone, among a plethora of other lesser individuals that I have had the displeasure of entertaining as associates in my life.

This is the birth of a badass... This is me being angry for all the times I've been lied to, led on, fucked around with, thought of as just "the friend," shat on, bitched out, punked, walked on, called out, made fun of, rejected, scorned, stood up, taken advantage of, talked down to, criticized, condemned... all of that crucial shit. And it has ALL happened to me. Much of it by just one or a few people.

Y'all can all get hit by a CAT bus... and then have a 3 point turn executed on you.

I don't care. I'm all about getting even now. For about 23 years, I have lived my life as the son of a baptist preacher and a social worker. I was raised to be polite, caring, compassionate, and courteous. The thing my parents failed to tell me was that being as such would get me treated like a peon. You know, all of their guidance has gotten me this far. I graduated from school... I have a job... I have a house. But now it's time to play by society's rules a little bit. Funny thing is, all that advice from them and being all perfect and angelic really did do a lot of good in my younger years. I've never been arrested, or in jail, and I have never lost a job or flunked out of school either. Those were the guidelines for growing up. So, I made it. I grew up. Now it's time to be a grown up... and even as the Bible says "act peacefully if at all possible."

Well, damn... it ain't possible with these fuckers running around on the streets today. Everyone is out for their own self gratification... That isn't what I am planning on doing with my newfound badassness.... I just plan on "acting peacefully if at all possible..." and then to hell with everyone else who doesn't act peacefully with me. I'm not gonna be a punk.

Another funny thing about all of this is the fact that some people think of Hamilton as "the rock" who can withstand beating and badgering... who will stay there regardless... kinda like something timeless. I imagine some people think of me like, "Oh, Hamilton won't mind," or, "He'll get over it," or, "I can do it this way, because it's only Hamilton."

Well, asphyxiate, motherfucker. The rock's got fucking sharp edges.

So fuck y'all... all of y'all.
If y'all don't like me, blow me.
-Dr. Dre

wedding rings

Ha. So I just realized that if one reads this blog regularly and they saw that the last entry was extremely vague but mentioned unmentionables in the secret blog, the title of this entry might startle a few people. Ha. But then again, if one reads this, they know that I would be the last person mentioning wedding rings in the sense of ME wearing one.

The older and older I get, the more and more I want one. Not just a ring, necessarily... but the symbolism of a ring.

I work in a field full of women. At any given time, the percentage of the male population among my colleagues is usually like 0.8%. Along with that territory comes the neverending drone of women talking about their romantic escapades with husbands and boyfriends... and if I'm lucky, I run across a teacher who is newly engaged.

This happened on Monday. I walked onto the 4th grade hall to hear the buzz that Ms. Hendry was engaged. I wasn't really surprised... she friggin' moved to South Carolina to be close to her boyfriend, plus, she's in her late 20s. I was happy for her. I like Amy a lot. She's been great to work with this year.

Today, we were at stupid Big Blocks training and her HUGE rock caught my eye. Now, I have always been weirded out by the significance of the size of the rock... it just seems so insignificant to me. If you really like someone, then should the amount of money they spend on you really matter? I don't know... that's just me being in love with the idea of being in love I guess. Anyway, gurl's gotta big rock. In the past year, I have seen many engagement rings, and hers takes the cake. But it got me looking around the room at all the other engagement/wedding rings that graced the fingers of the Greenville County educators. I really think there were only like 5 people out of the room of like 100 that didn't have some sort of significant ring on their left ring finger. Of course, I was among them... and there were other men in the room as well.

Anyway, at that point, I had a case of the heart pains... you know, the kind that you really feel in your heart? The empty feeling. And it made me think about my life... and how much of it I spend alone in deep contemplation and thought... thinking about the way things could be... my wishes and hopes... and my have-nots.

You know, honestly, the secret blog really is blowing up, because on the surface, things appear to be pretty decent. But I have learned that it is very unwise to take things at face value. This is why I have decided, with all my might, to remain stoic... free from emotion. Really and truly though, I think my stoicism is more confusion than stoicism. I'm just tired and clueless... and looking for any type of absolution at all.

That being said AND the title of this entry would lead one to believe that I am looking to get married... um, no. But the fact of the matter is... well, no one can say it better then Keane:

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Yeah... basically, that's it--old and tired. That's what I am, I guess. Perfect words though, right? "Simple thing..." It is a simple thing... however a tricky thing... a complicated thing... a stressful thing... a thing that makes you think a lot... TOO much.

I guess, since I am doing an alright job being stoic, I should attempt to be thoughtless as well.

Is that really possible though? To become completely thoughless... to have absolutely no thoughts on an issue? I mean, that would take some serious Harry Potter pensieve type stuff... to drain your mind and not bother with it anymore? I mean, even if I tried, I would think of it, and then I would tell myself DON'T think about it, which would in turn make me think about it even more.

...pathetic.

So back to the issue at hand... wedding rings... I don't have one. And I don't want one anytime soon. I think the whole thing about wedding rings that I like is the fact that you can look at a person with a wedding ring and know that that ring symbolizes a part of another individual that remains with that person at all times. It's almost like the person's name... I go places and everywhere I go, I am Hamilton. When someone with a wedding ring goes somewhere, they are saying "I love _______________." It's like a constant reminder to the world that they belong to another individual. It's one of the things that I long for more than anything... the comfort in knowing that at any given time of the day, I am on someone elses mind and in their heart... and vice versa. It's almost better than being together. Have you ever thought about how complex and powerful the human mind is? We dream, hope, fear... all things in our heads... and those images in our minds can affect us so much that sometimes they pull at our heartstrings and evoke such emotion... THAT is why the mere IDEA of love... the mere IDEA that someone SOMEWHERE has you in their mind is such an intense thing.

Frankly, lots of people don't realize the true capacity of the heart and the true power of love... the fact that love encompasses more than anything physical or anything material. Love is nothing but an emotion. You can't truly SHOW love. Seriously. I mean, this is my philosophy: You can't show love, you can only FEEL it. The things people do that we claim SHOW love (like kissing, hugging, nice gestures, kind words) are nothing more than catalysts that allow the reciever to FEEL love. Then when that person feels that love, they reciprocate with some other catalyst, which in turn allows the "lover" to feel love as well...

..which is why, wedding rings are not love. When Amy got her wedding ring from her fiance, he was not doing an act of love. He simply gave her an object that would allow her to feel how much he loves her. The love was not in the ring, but in the feeling that she had in her heart and soul when that ring touched her finger.

So, in all actuality, it really is a simple thing. It doesn't cost anything... it doesn't age or break or damage... it is just felt inside. And the sad thing is some... correction: LOTS of people are scared of it. Is it because they have never felt it, so they are scared of that which they don't understand? Well, frankly, that is just ignorace... I mean really. Or is it because they are scared of the awesome power of the emotion? The fact that it can inhabit your thoughts day and night... and make you do things you didn't think you'd normally do? I mean, it's really nothing to play with...

Anyway...

...I said all that to say that people with weddding rings are blessed individuals... if and only if in their heart, they feel the love that that ring represents.

And there are individuals like myself... with a bad case of the heart pains... because there is such a strong desire to show love to another individual, but I don't feel any love because there is no catalyst involved allowing me to feel any. But like I said, it's simple...

...it doesn't always take a wedding ring.