i love college!

These would probably be the words you'd see in some college freshman's blog around the first week of the fall semester. But no. These words are mine... a 21 year old college senior graduating in approximately 45 days. Spring break has given me the freedom that has been so long gone these past couple of months... Staying up late... taking long naps even when I'm not tired, sleeping 'til noon, driving around Clemson aimlessly (but not too much... gas is too high for that mess)... I LOVE IT. I simply adore college... the freedom... the people... the atmosphere...

And to top it off, this week's weather is fantastic! Today I hung out with Miriam and we enjoyed each other's company under the clear blue Carolina skies in the fresh Clemson sunshine. I mean, it is pure heaven.

Miriam spent the night over here last night along with KKPsi Chapter Field Representative, Adam Cantley... cool bitch, that Adam Cantley... He travels all over the nation to hobnob with the musical elite (yes... that is KKPsi bruhs, scalawags). I think the entire chapter enjoyed his company... Honestly... that is one thing I truly love about KKPsi... the fact that it has allowed me to meet people from all over the nation... it's incredible. It makes the country seem so much smaller... even though it is still red and republican...

ANYWAYS... It's Tuesday, and the week is starting to pick up speed and go by a little too quickly. Tomorrow is hump day. And I am so not ready for it. It just makes me sad. I did grade 2nd period's speed drills today... I don't even want to start on their Unit Tests... UGH. I'm gonna gave a cow.

And in other news, I haven't seen Nick in about 36 hours... and Miriam and I wrote a bad ass song today. My room is fairly clean, and Hoke better get well so we can party it up tonight. Oh yeah... and I'm broke...

Oh yes... spring break... just makes some things in life unneccessary and unimportant.

spring break '05 has arrived!

This is uber exciting. Why? Let me count the ways...

1. I GET TO SPEND 10 DAYS WITHOUT CHILDREN (and just in time too, 'cause yesterday, 2nd period about made me have a stroke)!!!

2. MY spring break, along with the other student teachers, is LONGER than all the cool college kids who have been on spring break this week. HAHA!

3. Like Kalani always says, it's more fun to do the things that everyone does when no one else is doing them. So, it will be fun to be able to go out EVERY night next week when everyone else has classes and stuff!

4. Our spring break is later in the year (LOL... one week later), so it is MORE spring than everyone elses!

(in case you haven't figured out, I'm trying to psych myself into thinking that even though the majority of my friends will not have the free time I will next week, my spring break will be fun... I am quite uncertain though)

Anyway, I do have some stuff to do during the break... Grade speed drills and tests that my classes took yesterday... I do believe that they did better on these than the ones from my unit. But, in full time teaching, I have learned that I can only do so much as the teacher. Honestly, the grade is really left up to the student. Some of my students... just... UGH! They made me so mad yesterday... like to the point of almost crying (I didn't though... there is no way I can let a bunch of little ankle biting, over hormonal nine year olds make me weep). They were taking an effing test! And they were like, "What is 12 times 4? Will you help me with this one? I don't get it? How do you do it? I don't understand?" AFTER I GAVE THEM CHANCE UPON CHANCE UPON CHANCE TO ASK WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO ASK! Before we even started the test I told them, "Okay, you have 5 minutes to ask whatever you want." While some students asked questions, others just played around and talked to whoever... these were the students that got mad at me because I wouldn't help them on their test. Even IF they had been listening, I wouldn't help them on their test. IT IS A TEST!!! Normally, I give them a little pattern block piece to turn in if they do have a question on the test. That stops after yesterday. I even gave them 2 yesterday, because I thought the test was too long. It really wasn't though... and they didn't deserve those 2 free questions. From here on out, a test means just that: that it is testing how much you listened to the teacher. Ugh, they made me so mad.

ANYWAYS... I have had the apartment to myself all week. It's been weird, yet refreshing. The funny thing is that from when I got home to when I left the next morning, I didn't speak. So like the first time I spoke the next day, it had been like 10 to 12 hours since I had said anything... lol. It was weird. I am ready for my roomies to return though. But I have had a pleasant and semi-relaxing week... if not at school, definitely at home.

I also spent a lot of time with my ed major friends... In particular, Ellen, Sarah, and Kalani. All three really awesome girls. Kalani has been so awesome though. We see eye to eye on a lot of things, and I really enjoy her company.

Well, I get to spend time with the lovely Kate Moon today... and I am SO excited. I feel like I haven't hung out with her in FOREVER. Ever since the bitch became Miss Clemson 2005, she has had no time for me... ol' skeeza! Hehe... I'm taking her to Psi formal though... and 2 weeks from tomorrow, I get to take the equally fabulous Katie Reaves to Theta formal! Yes... formals do make the spring time wonderful... even if I am not the "typical" college student...

OMG!!! DORA THE EXPLORER IS ON! I haven't watched this since this past summer!!!
(I'm such a big kid... hence my appreciation of my ungrateful and unstudious 4th graders... love the little punks)

welcome life

This blog entry is dedicated to the memory of my brother in Alpha Phi Omega, Robert Benjamin Royster.

"Royster" died Thursday, March 17 in a car accident on I-85 on his way to pick up a friend in Charlotte, North Carolina.

His death is the first sudden death of a friend my age that I have ever had to deal with. In dealing with this, I have been completely and utterly torn up by the whole situation.

I may appear okay, and at some times, I may even appear nonchalant or empathetic. This is hardly the case. Strangely, the whole thing has yet to fully sink in with me.

I heard the news as I was sitting in TD's Thursday night with Kalani and Sarah venting about our experiences in the classroom when I saw Joe, one of my other APO brothers... I gave him the usual, "Hey, what's up?" accompanied by the high five/handshake thing. Then he said, "Have you heard the news?" Well, when someone says this and doesn't say "the bad news," I immediately think something great has happened. That wasn't the case...

"Royster died today."

Honestly, I took him as kidding. I mean, Royster was young, healthy, a good guy, he would be the last person on earth that I would have expected to die. So I said, "You're kidding, right?"

"No. I wish I was."

And you know... it didn't even fully hit me then. Nor did it hit me when I went to the APO lounge and saw all my brothers crying and all the people who had been touched in some way by Royster. Really, I am just realizing it now... reliving the whole thing.

Who at age 20, just weeks away from turning 21, who is healthy, intelligent, friendly, and fun loving just... DIES? It's something that is so difficult for me to understand. And the other thing... out of the hundreds of times that we drive in our cars on I-85, why that time did it have to be fatal for him? I mean, these questions... I can't understand. And this leads me to another question... If death is so "fair," meaning that any and everyone is succeptible to it at any given point of time, why did it have to choose him? Why not someone else? Why not me?

I just don't get it. Just weeks ago, he was playing his trumpet in pep band... just weeks ago, he was giving a service report to the chapter... just weeks ago, he was in my apartment just hanging out and having a good time... and the thing that blows my mind is that NO ONE in the world knew that on March 17, he would cease to exist. It was so abrupt. We couldn't plan on it. I mean, as terrible as it sounds, I wish that there was a way that he could have warned us, you know? Like, "Hey guys, after March 17, I'm not gonna be around anymore." It was so quick. It's like, he went somewhere, and has just decided to never come back... it's easier to look at it that way, because that is a more likely situation... who would have expected him to just DIE?

I don't know... I mean, I honestly don't. For the past 3 days, I have been pinching my self... kinda saying, this can't be true... thinking of the situation and telling myself, maybe there is some way that Royster is still alive. I mean, he just can't be gone.

The accident apparently resulted in the car catching on fire and burning Royster's body so badly that they couldn't recognize him... the only way they knew it was him is because of his ID which was found near the site. So, I look at this and say to myself, maybe he got out alive... maybe he is wandering around Cherokee County in a state of shock from the accident...

...I wanna believe these theories, but it's not likely.

So, in conceding the the fact that Royster is no longer physically here, I have come to learn many many things. First of all, driving fast is not safe... it's fatal. On Royster's thefacebook profile, one of his interests was driving fast. One of his favorite movies was Gone in 60 Seconds. The boy liked speed... and ultimately, going 85 in a 65 was his fatal flaw. I cannot let his death have been in vain. If anything has happened from his death, it has made me a more aware and cautious driver. Also, I have learned to appreciate EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON in my life. EVERYONE. From the douchebags, to my best friends. We are all here on this earth together, and we are all succeptible to the same tragedy that has befallen Royster. Life is not guaranteed, by ANY means. We can truly be here one day and gone the next... and right now, it is hard to even look forward because I am in fear of my life and my friends' just because of this accident. But I know that everything is in God's hands... and in times like these and all the time, faith is what should help us keep going and keep us from worrying about our fate.

Lastly, I have learned to welcome life. This statement was said several times by one of the grief counselors that was in the lounge on Thursday night. We went through this intense exercise where we meditated on the memory of Royster and tried to come to a stable place about his death. She kept saying, "Welcome life" when we would take deep breaths in. You know... we take our breath for granted. We truly do. It is life, and it keeps us living... plain and simple. Royster, rest his soul, doesn't have the privilege of breath right now. And for us to take advantage of the life that we have is showing that his death--the death of someone so similar to me and all my peers--is insignificant. It could have been anyone. But it was him... it wasn't me. It wasn't anyone in my family. But it was a significant life.

Please... on behalf of Royster... welcome life.

Robert Benjamin Royster

April 26, 1984 - March 17, 2005
"A Leader, A Friend, A Servant"

can you keep up?

No.

LOL. Oh, Destiny's Child... I didn't know you were talking about me when you sang, "Lose My Breath." Unfortunately, I have not been doing well with the bloggity blog blog... The likes of Hoke Smith Heezy the Threezy and J-Skeezy are creepin' up on my sh*t! LOL. Glad to see y'all back in the blog game, Hoke and Jenee. For a while, my blog was the most fabulous thing on the block. J/K

I have been pretty tragic lately... regarding to the lack of entries and the content of entries... my bad. LOL. It's bound to get better. Next week marks the decent of student teaching. I have climaxed to my full 2 weeks, and starting next week, I will give things back to Mrs. Stephens. Ha... I'm actually excited. It's been fun, but days like today, when several little knuckleheads decided to be a royal pain in the rear makes me look forward to the forthcoming days of April that will bring Springtime and not so much ME in front of the class.

That leads me to the big news... I have decided to continue my education and go to grad school here at Clemson. I will be putting off getting a job for a little while. I have decided this for several reasons... Just recently, I have decided there are some loose ends I need to tie up here in college. I'm not ready to go. I haven't completely grown up yet. And besides... I didn't go on a bowl trip this past year... DANG! I deserve a full paid band trip to an exotic place with lots of per diem before I leave this joint. Also, there are lots of other things that I haven't done appropriately and things I just haven't done at all that I need to do before I leave. I need to be nicer as a whole (like I was my freshman and sophomore years) and discover a life outside of KKPsi. I know that second thing sounds bad, but I have striven for the highest... and on May 13, I will reach that high and bright shining star in the sky as I walk across the stage to get my diploma....

When I come back for grad school, I plan on devoting time to my second fraternity, which I just joined in the fall... Alpha Phi Omega. I feel that student teaching this semester has taken me a little away from it... as well as KKPsi... however, I have looked at this as my last year of many in Psi, so I am trying to be as active as possible... yet and still, it's not enough to a lot of the brothers... go figure. No one can really understand another's situation until they have lived it, so I can't hold that against them.

Speaking of my dear Psi brothers... I just got back from having dinner with one of them. I went to eat with Abe. We had issues to deal with... and after that, I have learned SO much about him, and come to appreciate him as the great brother that he is that I have been do blind and shallow to see. Creating a good relationship with him is one of the things that I plan on doing next year that I didn't get to do these first 3 years he has been here... and that has been all my fault. I want to apologize to Abe in front of God and the entire internet community. I was an asshole... plain and simple. I respect you so much Abe, and I am simply glad that you have not been as douchy as I have been to you.

I belive that's it for now... MAP testing tomorrow, so no testing... it's 8:30 and I have nothing to do and nothing to prepare for? Shall I look for some trouble??? Hmmm???

song of the moment...

I don't normally do this... but... song of the moment... a close second to Barren Land.
From the independent film, Camp.

Here in the dark
I stand before you
Knowing this is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start
This is the start

I have so much to say and I'm hopin'
That your arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am, I'm what you see

You said I had to change and I was tryin'
But my heart was lyin'
I'm not a child any longer
I am stronger

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Help me to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm movin' now

In this life we've come so far
But we're only who we are
With the courage of love
To show us the way
We've got the power to stand up and say

Here's where I stand
Here's where I am
Stand up and be counted, I'm counting on you
If you're with me
We'll make it through

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
Here's where I stand
Baby, baby, baby I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
I'm counting
I'm counting
I'm counting, I'm counting on you

barrenness, part ii...

...TARIK.

The bitch was the biggest cock blocker ever last night. It's okay. I kinda expected it... But then again, that doesn't exactly make it okay. Oh well. Whatever...

So. besides a land with no fields and fruit that grow, there is now a road that runs through this barren land with a fork... One road leads to graduate school, and the other road leads to work. Just another bit of stress to add to this barrenness. It would help maybe if down one road I could see lush fields of overflow... but alas... no.

I have people coming at me from TONS of different directions. I've got tons of people telling me to go work... that if I wait 'til after grad school, I won't get a job as easily. I have people telling me that in the situation that I am in now, I will get a job with the quickness. I have people even telling me that it is a possibilty that I can get a job at Code.

Well, that's all well and good, but recently at Code, a racist bitch has been bothering my spirit. No, this is not speculation, or just irrational inference. The bitch is racist... and I really makes me uncomfortable... No, I'm not scared of her... frankly, everything about me is better than her. She's not even 30 and graying already... tragedy. But anyway, she is at the school like everyday... and not even a teacher. But she makes my life suck. But that's okay... these next 2 weeks at Code, it's MY classroom COMPLETELY. That bitch better not expect to get anything over on me.

But besides that, there are other reasons that I don't want to stay in the classroom after student teaching... Grad school now would be free... I'd get one more year with a lot of my friends... when I get done with grad school, I'll be worth so much more.

I dunno. I don't like having to make life altering decisions...

...but the mere fact that I get to choose between a job and practically free grad school means I'm better than a lot of people. At least I don't have to choose between going home to mooch off of my parents with no job or going to work at a store in the mall as a salesperson after 4 years of majoring in something completely unrelated.

...hmm. I guess that is a little bit of "life and fruit and fields that grow" right there...

barrenness

It would seem to just about any person that keeps up with this blog (which has tragically become something to fill the time when I am not sleeping or doing something for school) that I tend to go through catch phrases. Some of them are (in random order):

It shall come to pass...
I rule.
If I were like thee, I'd throw away myself.
To him that o'ercometh...
I've been waiting on my own too long.
Isn't it obvious?
Don't change your plans for anyone.
Where there is faith...
...yadda yadda yadda.

All of these but 2 are song lyrics. This rut that I'm in right now is no different from any other. Once again, there is a song that has been speaking to me. This song really works for this particular situation. Sadly enough, whenever it's melody is in my mind or words are on my lips, I tend to get a little emotional.

The song is Barren Land by Shane Barnard and Shane Everett. It's pretty much in my mind whenever I'm not at school or doing something productive... which means that from about 4 pm until 7:30 am the next morning, it is haunting my spirit. Thankfully, it is a song of hope... and in it, I find hope. It starts out "Barren land can overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow." Then, as like a resolve to the opening statement, at the end of the chorus, it says "And barren land WILL overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow."

To these precious lyrics, I simply say, "please overflow." It's like I am the barren land... a land that for so long has been void of any life or prosper... for so long, there has been no rain, or hardly even hope for it. The song also says, "But if for rain to fall irresistably call... But if for rain to heal uncontrollably fill..."

I try to tell myself that rain is coming. But I don't really know. Most of the time, I have pretty strong faith, you know... but, this time, I'm kinda in the dark... or in the draught, in terms of this song. I know that the song says "barren land WILL overflow," but all I can do is hope that it will.

So often, I really feel alone. Like REALLY alone. Yes, I have lots of friends... and several close friends... maybe about 4 best friends. But sometimes, when I'm driving back from a meeting, or just alone by myself and I'm like, I need to talk to someone... there is NO ONE that I can think of that I really want to go to about EVERYTHING. I kinda feel like I'm gonna get judged regardless.

But I mean, I guess why the blog is here... and Shane and Shane produced that wonderful ballad. It's how you live in barrenness, I suppose.

all is fair...

Well, Ben Folds says it best when in his song "Fair," he says, "Am I right? Am I right? I'm lonely and I'm right."

Well, I'm right. It has finally happened. I knew it was going to come sooner or later. ALL of my closest friends... ALL are now in some quasi-relationship type thing. All my roommates... Jenee, Jack, Missy, Hoke, Kate... all stung by the little love bee.

You guys have fun with all that...

"I'm lonely and I'm right."

survived, surviving

Well, I survived February 14... and a whole week and a half after that. Yeah, haven't really taken the time to blog lately... and I've actually had the time too. I have just been lazy. Not too much of anything going on. Teaching is great... having a blast... REALLY enjoying my kids. Yesterday I did the C-walk with a couple of them. They are so much fun. I really do think I have become "the cool teacher." I like it. They like me. Go me.

As for life outside of Code Elementary, things are just so-so. Not too much going on. I don't hate people as much as I did. Actually, I'm not really upset with anyone. Good job, people. Keep up the good work. Actually, it's almost a little too quiet around here... hmmm... Oh well. I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Kate won Miss Clemson and is going to the Miss South Carolina Pageant. That was last weeks exciting news... oh, and the fact that Nick is no longer single... This news has Patrick and I both stuck in a rut in 101 A... but pleasantly blessed with our own bathrooms. Come midnight tonight, it will be 48 hours since I have seen Nick. That's what happens when you start dating someone, isn't it? No offense to Nick or anything... he deserves it. But some people just let the whole dating thing go to their head... tossing aside friends and other relationships that were once meaningful.

But then, they expect us sad and lowly single people to just jump at their beckoning call when the bf or gf is not around. I mean, I guess we should be priviliged to have these coupled individuals call on us at any given time... we should drop everything, including the friends who have been there even while the douchebaggy-in-love pseudo-friends are off gallavanting with their schnookie poo...

...sorry. I didn't mean to go off like that. I am a little bitter. Not for any particular reason. Just the fact that a coupled individual is so close to home (hell, he's in my home) kinda puts things into perspective. Nick... and Jenee and Jack... I wish you a fairwell as you travel into the land of "Who Needs Friends When You Have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend." Please be sure to write... or at least call when your bf/gf is out of town.

Like I said, I'm not bitter.

I'm ready to graduate... ready to be on my own... ready to see whats on the other side of a degree...

So far, it looks like it's gonna be 9 year olds and middle aged women abound. Did I mention how much I can't stand the banter of 40-something women? And they probably aren't even 40-something... probably just 30-something... but I know it would piss them off if I said 40, so I'm gonna say it.

I've learned, in student teaching, that the problem is not the students. Lots of times it's your fellow employees. Just like in high school and college, there are people who aren't nice, who don't smile, who talk about you behind your back, who think their shit don't stink. NEWS FLASH: It doesn't ever change.

So... a message to all the people I know who are trying to make certain things in college SO ridiculously crazy-go-nuts serious, lighten up. People screw up and screw around all the time... shoot, half of you crazy-go-nuts serious people ARE screw ups... and you stay that way. And that is why meetings will always be interrupted... things will always be forgotten... people will never be perfectly happy... the work day will never be flawless... and life will end and you won't have gotten to do what you really wanted to do...

This journal entry is dedicated to everyone who has been subtly or not so subtly mentioned: You make my life just a little more interesting... you really do. While this has sounded really bitter and pessimistic, I'm not mad... I'm just surviving.

singing aloud

I am the only one at the apartment right now... actually, I haven't seen my roommates all day. It's okay though. They are incuded in the group of 7 people that I don't want to strangle... I still like them. But I am also enjoying the company of musicians that can speak to my soul with their music.

While some people enkoy walking around naked, or pigging out in vast quantities of food when no one else is watching, I enjoy turning the music up way loud and singing at the top of my lungs. I know it's weird... but that's just what I enjoy. I am sure I am going to LOVE that aspect of living on my own.

The Beach Boys' God Only Knows.
Point of Grace's The Great Divide.
Shane and Shane's Barren Land.
Mandalay's Deep Love.
Nelly Furtado's On the Radio.
David Gray's This Year's Love.
Ben Folds Five's Selfless, Cold, and Composed.
Clay Aiken's Solitaire.
S Club 7's Never Had a Dream Come True.

All this music has spoken to me in so many ways tonight... This is the way I am when no one is around... when no one is watching or listening... This is the real me. Thoughtful, pensive, meditative, introspective...

I know a lot of times, I seem ridiculously opinionated... possibly to the point that I come across as a punk. But you know what? Every punk has a soft side. And you know what... even the people I throroughly don't care for very much... they have a soft side too. I can appreciate that (but their punkiness outweighs their softness). In the midst of being pissed off at people, confused as to where life will take me next, and possibly more alone than I have ever felt, I find comfort in evenings like this...

I came home from school... slept until quarter to 8... ran to get some fast food... brought it back and watched Marisa kiss another chick on The OC... got nausiated watching the worse show on Nick at Nite (Full House)... and then started listening to my blissful music.

It was simple... low stress... involved no human life forms other than my own, the people at Hardee's and the people on TV. I liked it... I'm okay with it.

People annoy me sometimes. A lot of times. What can I say? I'm an elitest asshole. I like things to be a certain way... and when individuals who are supposed to be grown or have a little sense just do stupid, thoughtless, insensitive things, I feel as if I would rather not associate with them. Yeah, I know I just went from softy back to jerk state, but I don't care.

It's time to grow up and truly start thinking wisely instead of just off the cuff.

Nights of singing along to loud sweet music inspire me to think wisely.

"...the precious gift of music."

lemme tell you what it's like...

Yep. It's been a good long while... 2 weeks to be exact. Lots has happened.

Luckily, I'm over my illness... that was horrible. I go to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my retarded kidneys.

I'm just about sick of all but like 7 of my friends. If it's not one person tryin' to be grown, it's another person being two faced. It's okay, though, 'cause I do like the company of my 4th graders WAY more than the company of most of my friends. I mean, I do spend the most time with them anyway...

I really like the other teachers at Code too... who am I kidding? I LOVE CODE! I seriously do... so much that at the Oconee County job fair this past weekend, I let it be known that I would LOVE to get a job at Code. Seriously... I am definitely willing to forego grad school altogether to get a job at Code NOW. It's a really tough decision... and it looks like I'm gonna have to make it before too long. Rumor has it that I am beding highly considered for Code. I would seriously love it... but do I go to grad school??? Full time, or part time??? If I do work, do I work at Code?

My mom wants me to come home to work so I can save money. To me, that is out of the question. To be on my own for 4 years and then go home? That sounds absolutely ridiculous. Everything will fall into place... I just know it.

In other news, readers of the Tiger really don't like me... HAHA... this time it's some stupid English 103 "teachers." They really aren't teachers at all... just grad assistants doing a bad example of teaching so they can pay for grad school. They told me that the comments I said in my last article about the stupidity of one of their assignments were unprofessional and invalid...

Well, I found out this evening from Bobby that HIS 103 teacher (a real teacher, mind you), passed out my article to show that it was a good example of an argumenative essay. Even though those 3 professional communication major whores talked about how bad of an essay it was, that dude saw how great it was... and it had to have been half way decent to stir such emotions within them.

I think that's all I needed to write... to catch y'all up, you know. Even though I'm usually not busy at all at night, I find it difficult to find a time and stable enough mind to write in here. Oh well... I will try to do better, but I'll make no promises.

Oh, and by the way, I'm lonely... just thought I'd throw that in there...

anything but boring

Well, I really thought that since I am student teaching, my life would be completely boring. Well, not really boring, but pretty uneventful. I was expecting to go to school, come home, and go to sleep, and then do it all over again. Don't get me wrong. I do do that... and I love it. Like right now, I have nothing really to do. Heavy duty teaching doesn't come for a little while, so all I do when I come home from school is relax or goof off on the computer... I know, if I have so much time to "goof off on the computer," one would think I would blog more. Nope. I am usually pretty tired. Today, I am tired, but I'm also dressed really nice. So instead of getting out of my nice clothes and hopping into the bed, I'm just sitting around looking good. It's retarded, but oh well.

But as I said, life has been anything but boring. Let's see where it starts...

Well, last Friday morning, I checked my e-mail to find that the editor of the Editorials section of The Tiger was bringing my attention to a letter sent in that was going to be puclished in that week's edition. At first, I was really nervous. But, it turns out, it was just some lame old prude construction science professor talking about how unwise I was being and about how terrible my colmuns were. I loved it... nothing like whining from some old coot to fuel my fire. I really didn't think I was THAT controversial... I guess I am. I feel like Rush Limbaugh, and it's awesome. Mr. George Bunch is getting a big slap in the face this Friday though. I win. I always do.

Then Friday night, I got little brother #3, grand little #2, and GREAT grand little #1! Michael Hubbard is my new little, Megan Wade is my new grand little, and Deborah Threadgill is my new great grand little. "From forth the loins of [me] has come a small community!!!" That is what the minister said at my great grandmother's funeral... LOL. Unfortunately, the number of great grand children and great-great grand children were incorrect. So, scratch small community and replace it with small cul-de-sac.

Friday and Saturday, I got to se my fabulous brothers from UGA. I really missed being so close to them. Spending Saturday night with them was great. Saturday night was SO AWESOME... despite one of the douchebags that lives in building 104 of the Reserve. Actually, I think that douchebag made the night even better. Our party ended up being tons better than his anyway... and I am saying it was HIS because the other 3 guys in his apartment are band members, and he didn't intend on having a sketchy band party. Well, his non-band party sucked. But the sketchy band members really enjoyed his PJ.

Now the fun ends... and the pain starts. It was Sunday when I realized something was terribly wrong. A bladder/kidney infection... Yeah. Well, here's some news for everyone. I don't really talk about it at all, 'cause I don't want people to think about it and worry about me too much. But, I have chronic renal failure. It means that my kidneys are going to quit working eventually. Right now, they don't work well all the time... which is why every year or so I get a REALLY painful and miserable infection. I'm not going to talk about all of the pain. But I will say that part of it is your back hurting because your kidneys are spazzing the hell out. It isn't fun at all. The past few days have been horrible. Just today I began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It isn't completely done with, but it's getting there. Seriously, the worse pain I have ever been in. I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE.

Yeah. So, that's that. Now I have updated the world on my life... and it isn't as boring as one would imagine from my lack of postings. I am really enjoying student teaching... and this new schedule I'm on. I'm also loving the fact that I have my own bathroom and there are only 3 of us living here. It's really nice. Things are going well... if you don't count my stupid kidneys.

I guess I'll succumb to taking this nice outfit off and get in the bed. LOL.

welcome, mr. parks!

That is what the board said all day in Mrs. Stephens' class at Code Elementary. And I really did feel welcome. All I can say is that Code Elementary is everything that Central Elementary is not. I knew that the first time I went there it was significantly different, I just couldn't explain why. Now, I STILL can't explain why. All I can say is that my 4th graders and my cooperating teacher, Mrs. Stephens help make it tons better.

Like I said, I felt incredibly welcome. Mrs. Stephens had a desk set up for me in the back of the classroom, as well as a first day snack! She is so awesome. My friend Christy teaches right next door to Mrs. Stephens, so she had prepared the entire 4th grade for my arrival. They all knew my name before they even got into homeroom. I got tons of "Hey, Mr. Parks!" and "It's nice to meet you." Not to compare them to my kids from Central, but they definitely showed A LOT of hospitality. One of Mrs. Stephens' students showed me around, and another talked me to death about everything from the C.O.D.E. of conduct to the 3 cats that live in the school courtyard. I also got gifts from a few students. The one that gave me a tour gave me a candy cane (which I am scared to eat, since Christmas was almost a month ago), the one that told me about the cats drew me a picture of one of them so I wouldn't get her mixed up with one of her kittens, and another student gave me a Dwyane Wade basketball card.

And even today, I did more than I normally did at Central. I graded papers, cut out laminated name tags, got something laminated, placed new nametags on desks, watched 3 students who stayed in at recess, and assisted students during enrichment time.

Today was just an all around great day. I am sure that I am going to really enjoy working at Code. The teachers, students, staff, and even environment are so condusive to learning and enjoyment.

I can't WAIT to go back tomorrow...

as depression sets in...

Don't worry. It's not serious depression. I was just on campus today... and it was a highly novel experience. Last semester, if I wasn't over at the Brooks Center for band, I was getting off of the CAT bus at the Trustee House and going to Tillman. I hadn't been on the other side of Brackett since this summer. Today I walked behind there again... delivering recommendation letters for grad school. Everyone was rushing to get to their classes. That is when it hit me... I don't have any more classes. I might as well not be a college student. I feel so old and distant from everyone. I know it's all cool and all not to have to report to class and have assignments due... but honestly, I feel as if I am not on the same level as my friends... don't get me wrong. I don't think I am any BETTER than they are... I just feel old and archaic now.

On top of that, Jenee and I had a really deep discussion just about an hour ago. It was way too deep and intense to put in here... but it's got my head swimming. It's a good thing I don't have anything productive to do tomorrow, 'cause this is gonna have me in deep contemplation for a while...

To him that o'ercometh, God giveth a crown...

carri's wedding

My friend, Carri Rowan (McDonald) from high school got married today... It's so hard to believe that she is married... I mean, it seems like only yesterday we were in concert choir goofing off and then at Pizza Hut barely working. Good lord... definitely a sign of growing up.

Her wedding was only the second of my peers that I have attended, however, this year there are TONS more... Alan and Misty, Racheal and Brandon, Heather and Nate, Allyson and the famous major league baseball player Landon Powell (that is just fabulous... my Ally really hit it big time)... and I just found out at Carri's wedding that my friend Meredith from high school is getting married in December!

It's all really exciting... and scary. It's like, all these people are not going to be kids anymore. It's kinda like regardless of how old you are, if you are single, you are still in a way "growing up." No offense to older people who aren't married or even young people who are. Beth and Jeff don't seem incredibly grown up... well, I mean, they do have a house and very god jobs, so they are definitely "socially mature," but I dunno. It's like the whole marriage ceremony is some sort of rite of passage in a way. There's just something about a daughter leaving the arms of her father and entering into the arms of another man, and a son leaving the watch of his mother only to enter into union with another female... It's all very tender.

I believe this is why engagements that come in less than a year are looked down on so much. Yes, yes, I know there are people who have parents and friends who got engaged after like a month and they have been married for years and years, but lets be serious. Can TRUE love really be found in a couple weeks? Marriage is more than just a prolonged date. Marriage is for life.

Today at the wedding, Ericka mentioned that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt "broke up." I was like, "Um, isn't that called a divorce?" It's like celebrities are exempt from using the same terms as we common folk are. And what made it even funnier was that Carri's husband Mark was standing right behind us when I said the word "divorce" and in a panic he was like, "What?!" It was kinda weird to be talking about divorce on the day of a wedding.

I truly hope that Carri and Mark last for the rest of time... them and all my other friends getting married. I just hope that they are all "grown up" enough to take this big step.

Congratulations, Carri and Mark!

the biggest double-edged sword ever

My mother has gone completely beserk.

And let this be documented as the first time I have bloggged so quickly after waking up.

Okay. Today was my last day at work... thank God. My last day to wake up at 5 am to go and work at the tragic store known from now until the end of the month as "Rich's-Macy*s." I was tired this afternoon. Yes... even though we got done really early and I got off early. On top of that, tomorrow, I have to go and take the Praxis II exam in GREENWOOD, which is like at least an hour away... and I have to be there at 7:30. So, pretty much, it's 5 am tomorrow as well.

Well, apparently, sometime between now and after I fell asleep this afternoon, my dad called. I know that he called, and I know he said something along the lines of, "I'm stuck and I'm going to call your mother." He seemed very okay with this... from what I can remember. Now granted, I was asleep, and when people are asleep, things don't work all the time... You don't always hear everything that is going on, and you don't always know the seriousness of something unless someone is screaming, jumping up and down, or throwing things at you. This calm and somewhat unclear statement from my father did not wake me in the least. And from what I can remember, he never said, "Come and get me." He didn't even ask if I was sleeping I don't think... then again, I don't remember.

Well, I fell back asleep, or rather drifted back into a deeper sleep, and was just awoken when I realized that no one was here and the phone kept ringing constantly. My mom was on the other end saying, "So tell me why it was more important for you to sleep than to go get your father." I was like, "WHAT?" Somehow she had been under the impression that I told my dad, "No. I will not come pick you up, because I am indulging in some much needed sleep... scalawag." Yeah right. If I had needed to go do it (and this is what I said, VERBATUM) "As upset as I would be to get awoken out of my sleep, I would do it." Then she proceeds to tell me how disturbing to hear that I said, 'as upset as I would be.' She was like even if it was in the middle of the night and someone she cared for needed a ride, she would not be upset, but worried about that individual. WHATEVER. No one is going to sit there and tell me that if they get woken up, they are going to immediately jump to doing ANYTHING without waking up cranky and a little disturbed. If you were asleep, your sleep was DISRUPTED. Dictionary.com defines disrupted as "To interrupt or impede the progress, movement, or procedure of." Does that sound pleasant? Would you really be okay with anything you enjoy being interrupted? No.

Well, then I start getting frustrated at how insanely literal she is taking me and how holier than thou she is trying to be... like there is nothing in the world that could make her upset from waking up in the middle of the night to do something... oh, but there IS, apparently. I try to rebut my statement by saying that it is only human nature to be cranky when one is wakened from sleep. I then tried to tell her that there have been times when I have been woken up in the middle of the night only to go and retrieve someone who is too drunk to drive themselves home... THEN, she says the unimaginable... "Well, yes, I WOULD be 'upset' if I had to wake up and go get someone because they were irresponsible and were too drunk to handle themselves! THEN, I would be upset!"

How in the world does that make sense?! I am supposed to jump to the aid of my father who is stuck on the bad side of town in a nice outfit, but when someone is stranded and the only way they can get home is to put their life or someone else's life in danger, I have a right to be upset and angry?! That is the biggest double standard ever. My mom has become so pious, that even helping someone who is doing something inappropriate is not warranted, even when their life is in danger.

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I now have a stomach ache, and want to leave this house immediately. What kind of house do I live in? It's so bad that I am afraid to admit that I like the movie Saved! If being the son of a preacher wasn't bad enough, I am now the son of a pious preacher's wife.

Someone do me a favor... someone next week, get really drunk... call me and get me to come pick you up. I just want to do it... and NOT get an attitude about it, just so I can spite my mother...

let's talk about inventory...

This job is the worst, most boring, most lame, most terrible job I have ever had. I am so serious. This morning and yesterday morning, I got up at 5 am DREADING what was ahead of me. However, this morning, I dreaded it more than yesterday, because I knew what was in store. Yesterday, I was not happy, but I think most of that was due to the fact that it was 5 in the morning... I don't even get up that early to go teach at school! Ridiculous.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of spending 5 hours in a little tiny stock room with 4 other people. Talk about torture. The room was small, cramped, and hot. Several times I felt nauseous and like I was going to pass out. And it was so monotonous... Shoot the laser thing at the merchandise and go. As much as I like the idea of killing the merchandise, it was so boring... and there was SO much of it! If those 5 hours in the housewares stock room wasn't enough, I was sent to the textiles stock room for my last hour of work.

This hour was terrible for 2 reasons. First of all, my arms were so sore from lifting things and reaching high above my head in the first stock room, that it took all my strength to lift little packs of bedding from eye level. I mean, my arms and shoulders never hurt like that, even after conducting Tiger Band. The second reason this stock room sucked more was because of the lady in charge. Her name was Candace. You know those people who will say your name just 'cause they see it on your nametag? Well, to me, that's kinda like "getting to someone." It's kinda like, I know your name, and you don't know mine, so I got something on you. And, this lady OBVIOUSLY didn't know who my dad was (yes, sometimes that association comes in handy). So, I immediately didn't like this lady... and sure enough, today, I didn't like her even more.

Well, at 6 o'clock today, things were a little better. Instead of being in the housewares stockroom, I was on the floor in housewares. Still offended by the sight of dishes, I began scanning over in the corner by myself. I enjoyed this a lot more and the time seemed to pass a lot quicker. I don't warm up to people incredibly fast... especially old people, and especially people who act like, they got it all goin' on. That is what surrounded me at "Rich's-Macy*s" (I wish they would just call it friggin' Rich's until they make the final switch... geez). A lot of the older people there were just like me--people who didn't work at... RICH'S... just hired help for inventory. But because they are OLD and have been around the sun a few more times than even the people in charge, they tell everyone what to do. Ol' biddies and coots! So annoying! This one man next to me was trying to tell the manager what to do... THE MANAGER! The next time someone tells me to mind my elders, I'm gonna need my elders to mind people who are MORE QUALIFIED.

Anyway, I don't just dislike old people. After I got done on one side of housewares, I started counting behind people on the other side. This 21 year old guy told me to partner up with him because he worked so fast... Well you know why he worked so fast? 'Cause he was doing it the COMPLETELY WRONG WAY! They showed us a video that said if you have 5 of the same thing, DO NOT scan one thing 5 times, but scan each thing individually. Well, this genius was doing EXACTLY what the video said not to do. So yes, he was making haste with his inventory. To make matters worse, he was trying to hit on this 40 year old British Indian woman. Seriously. Okay, she didn't look like she was 40, but she told him that she was. He was all intrigued with her accent and she was like, "I'm from Britain." Then this guy goes, "Well, you look Indian." YOU CAN BE INDIAN AND BE FROM BRITAIN, EINSTEIN! UGH.

Thankfully, I was relieved from working with him... but I had to go back to textiles, with Candace, the stuck up troll. Since I was on the floor in textiles, I took advantage of a display bed while Candace ran around due to her own lack of comprehension. Apparently, she didn't prep for the day, so people were coming to work in her department from getting done in housewares, and she had nothing for them to do. I was one of them. So, I sat my happy behind on that Tommy Hilfiger bed and proceeded to earn $2 for those 20 minutes I sat there. Finally, she put me to work. I ended up working as a counter for this girl... I feel so bad, 'cause I don't know her name at all, and we spent like 2 hours together. She was really funny... and we got a lot of work done and passed a lot of time. We kept making comments about the ridiculously overpriced pillows and bedspreads that we were counting up. I also helped out this older woman whose earlier counter had screwed up. She kept talking about the girl and how stupid of a mistake she made. The lady was really nice to me. She told me all about how inventory was her only means of money since she had gotten laid off. She asked me how long I had been without work and I told her I was in college. She said she was "so proud" of me. And then she said something I will ALWAYS remember: "This job makes you wanna work hard in school doesn't it?" AMEN, SISTA! That is my whole problem with this job...

First of all, I don't enjoy it. I would NEVER work a job that I don't enjoy. What is the point of doing something day in and day out when you don't like it. REGARDLESS of how much money you need/want. You are doing yourself a huge injustice by staying in an occupation you don't enjoy... which is WHY people go to college and major in the area that they WANT to work in.

Secondly, you don't need any sort of education to do this job. I know there are some people who don't have an education. Either they couldn't get a good one, or they messed up somewhere on their own. Then a job like that is fine for people like that. I am not one of those people. I am not going to work in a job like retail, when I have the education to work in a job that I have recieved an education for.

Thirdly, it's people like Candace who make me not want to work in a job like that. Those people... who act like they are big and bad and know everything, talk down to other people, micromanage, and do not contribute to a healthy work environment... AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE ALL THEIR ISH TOGETHER! Candace... ooh. I couldn't work with her constantly... I'd make her cry.

ANYWAY. That is the horror known as inventory at "Rich's-Macy*s." I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. AND I WILL NEVER EVER EVER DO IT AGAIN... except tomorrow. :(

that first nap of the day...

...let's just say I was asleep from the time I finished that entry to 6 pm. I'm telling you, the life of a hermit is not fun in the least. But, I guess I should appreciate it while I have it. I woke up to my mom welcoming me into the land of the living and saying, "Well, I guess you'll be up all night! Why don't you paint your room while you are at home?" Thank you, mother, for giving me the go ahead to paint my room now that I have no more free time this break.

She and my dad are on this HUGE renovating campaign. It started with Centex repairing what they screwed up when they built the house 8 years ago... then they just got new hardwood floors. Thursday, we are getting the foyer and family room painted COLORS... not just white. It's going to be dramatic.

My mom has me SO involved in this. I guess it's... nice... but honestly, the color of our house doesn't mean much to me anymore. I'm more concerned with the color of MY house... whenever that will come. I'm ready for it.

My mom asked me that today... if I am ready to be an adult... SSHHHYEEEAH! I am MORE than ready for responsibility and being grown... being responsible for myself and when people see me they will be like, "That is Hamilton," not "That is Toney's son." I HATE THAT. Seriously, I hate that more than anyone will know. Well, Jenee probably understands, seeing how her dad is an idol to Clemson football fans everywhere. It's kinda like all my life, I have lived in the shadow of my dad. He's well known and well respected, which is great and all, but i want to be known for me.

That's why I pride myself in the things I have accomplished... like all my titles and awards in high school... being a drum major at Clemson. It's nice to be known for your own good qualities, not those of the people you are associated with. I could never say that to my dad because it would seem like some sort of slap in the face to him... like, I don't want to be associated with him. But not really... I just don't want to have to hang on to his coattails, that's all. I can hold my own...

...And this is why I am not looking forward to work this week. My dad used to work at Rich's. unfortunately, he hasn't been gone long enough for other people to leave and there be completely new employees there. As soon as I walked in the door, "My, you have grown up a lot!" WELL, HELL! Do they expect me to be 12 for the rest of my life? Ugh.

Believe it or not, I'm feeling tired again... maybe I'm not really tired. It's just that I have nothing else to write and the good TV doesn't come on for another hour. Nap time, part deux?

king congruence lite!

After that confusing entry about anti-resolutions last night, I decided I couldn't let my orgy-tainted apartment or my lack of new years spirit get in the way of commemorating the end of 2004 and the beginning of 2005... so, I changed the template of my blog.

Yeah, it's nice. The only thing is that there is nowhere for Smouse to leave comments. I really look forward to what good ol' Smousy-poo has to say. So, I think I'll put a link to my e-mail over in the links... Smouse, that is expecially for you!

By the way, Smouse, I have this new device on my blog that checks the IP address of everyone that visits, so I know where you live... I think. Just throw me a frikkin' bone here and give me at least a hint of who you are. It's driving me INSANE.

Okay, actually, it wasn't bugging me until you popped back up with that Happy New Years comment you left me. You had been MIA for a while. But I'm glad you're back.

In other news, rent is due today, and I am not in Clemson. Yay. It is also Patrick's 21st birthday (DOWNTOWN IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN NOW)! Today is my last full day of freedom as I have training for inventory tomorrow. Big boo.

I suppose it's time for the first nap of the day...

prollems

I'm having prollems tonight. Yes--prollems. They are worse than just problems. However, things are looking up... two episodes of Roseanne are coming on.

Anyway, the beginning of another year has come, and while it's commencement was marred with he sight of my atrocious apartment, I still can't help but be a little cynical about these first few days of the year. Everyone always make resolutions as to what they are or are not going to do for the year. By Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everyone messes up--it's a long weekend, so there's reason to eat lots and have a wild weekend getting drunk. Then by Valentines Day, people are having crazy go nuts sex again, so seriously, what's the point in making a resolution?

Making resolutions is pretty cliche for me. I mean, it doesn't even have to be the beginning of a year for me to make some proclamation for what I am not going to do but then end up doing within a matter of days. So, my "resolution" is not to make one... no. I'm not going to resolve not to make a resolution, 'cause that would just be defeating the purpose of not making one. Dammit, I'm just not going to do anything. Or is that a resolution in it self as well?

Oh, forget it. What I'm trying to say is that there is no reason to promulgate what I am going to be or not be. Even for the Ham Rules... forget those. I haven't even referred to them in a long time... what's the point? What I have found out is that binding myself to a set of rules is stupid. I have been so-called doing that for the past 2 years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. If anything, I have set myself up for an outcome that isn't coming.

I really don't know what I am trying to say. Like I said, I am having prollems tonight. these prollems go far beyond things like my dirty roommate, or having to work this week. These are issues that I'm sure will not be resolved by the end of this week either. I guess that's why they suck so much... there is no resolution in sight.

And maybe that's why people resolve to do things for the new year. They are attempting to resolve something on their own that they in essence cannot really do (okay, I am finally getting somewhere now). History has proven that there are some things that they just can't really handle... so at the beginning of the year (when people think that for some reason they have a clean slate), they say, "Not this year... Things are going to be different, this year." Hmmm... I'm not quite that gullible to believe it. Some things are the way they are because that is they way they are meant to be. Yes, it's a possibility that someone is meant to be an alcoholic. It's a possibility that someone is meant to make failing grades. It is a possibility that someone's marriage is not supposed to last. There are reasons for all of these seemingly terrible things. That alcoholic may have a child who witnesses their behavior and vows to never drink and live a completely sober and alcohol-free life. That person with failing grades might have to become an enterpreneur and make his own living, which eventually builds into a huge multi-million dollar corporation. That individual that gets a divorce might end up in a better, more healthy relationship with an individual they truly belong with.

So I guess there are reasons for the prollems we have in our lives. And maybe there really is no reason to try to resolve them. Maybe our prollems are roadblocks that make us stronger, or little illnesses that have to run their course. You can't go around the roadblock, but through it... and you can't just take medicine to get rid of the illness, but you have to cough and sneeze a little bit...

All that being said, they still suck pretty bad.