Okay... so I left off last night without finishing all my thoughts... I really didn't have a WHOLE whole lot to write about... but I mean, do I ever really? However, I was really excited that I got through a whole entry without mentioning the crush. Go Ham. I was too busy goofing off with Nick... I love that boy... my little "nephew!" Last night, he, Patrick and I goofed off the rest of our snow day up here in my room. It was a blast.
Anyway, I guess tonight, I will write about the whole idea of infatuation... First of all, I hope I spelled that right... Secondly, it's really sickening if you think about it. How in the world could anyone let one person in the world inhabit their every thought? I have fo nucking clue... but it happens... to the best of us. Am I infatuated with the crush? I have been infatuated before... last April... it was tragic. But back to the the question... am I? I don't think so... despite what this blog may show. And I know that the stuff I write pisses people off sometimes... especially all my ranting and raving about all of the "2 person single entities" walking around all the time... but it's QUITE alright... I believe Nick is INFATUATED with my journal... he's an avid reader... and Tarik told me this afternoon that he has been pissed off that he hasn't been able to read it in 2 days because his power is out at home. So people like it, and it is entertaining... better it be entertaining than depressing...
Anyway, I digress... So this whole subject of infatuation... I'm a little upset that God allowed so much space in our brains to be taken up by such petty things... and that is ALL petty things, not just little play play crushes... but seriously... with the crushes/infatuations... There is so much more to life than who we end up with or who we are boinking at any particular time... it reminds me of what Missy and I have been learning in Igo's class... Imagine that there is a little orb in your mind that is everything you know about trees... lets say that you know in 2nd grade you got stuck in a hollowed out tree at a family reunion... well, that little tidbit of information about the hollow tree at the family reunion is not just in the little tree orb, but also in the family reunion orb... so you think about your family reunion and how you always had ribs at family reunions... so THAT orb is connected to everything you know about ribs... and then there is the fact that Chili's serves baby back ribs... and yadda yadda yadda... LOOK AT ALL THAT NONSENSE!!! And yet... there is still room for how much you like _______ and how awesome your a r-thingy could be with _______ and how willing you are to care for _______ (insert whoever's name you want in there... Jenee know's who my person is... hehe).
Anyway, my point is (and this is intended for a special someone... it's not just me discussing my "pathetic" situation), with all the crap that we ALL go through, the little spot in our minds reserved for random wishes and daydreams about a special someone is there for a reason... it's part of our life... and no matter how petty it seems to anyone, even oneself, it is important... as all feelings are. Feelings of love, grief, anger, betrayal, sadness... they are all little orbs connected to one another, and one feeling is no more important than the other... so do I feel bad about crushing on _______? HA! Nope. Do I feel bad that that is what I write about in my heralded blog? HA! Nope. Do I have other feelings besides that of adoration for _______ ('cause remember, it's not infatuation)? HA! YES (gotcha)!
In conclusion... I am not infatuated with the crush... and my mind is worth more than a bunch of mushy "I love so and so" crap... the funny thing is, "I'm totally crushing," and I get a little ridiculed, but the people that are "totally" dating whoever the hell are the ones that are doing the ridiculing... and doing the complaining 'cause they are being teased so immensely by their boyfriend/girlfriend-impaired counterparts... so once again I say to those individuals... they can go run to the arms of their valiant prince or dainty princess and find relief. (see the i told... entry)
I think I've got a new catch phrase...
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
ice, ice, baby...
So, today, we had no classes because of the snow/ice/crap... It didn't make a HUGE difference for me... I just didn't have Special Ed. So, the day was fun... kinda dramatic, but not terribly. We went to eat Chinese and then over to Betsy's to play games... well, we really just played Cranium, but it was fun. While we were over there, Nick, Patty, and I had to go and discuss something and people got kinda pissy about it... It REALLY wasn't a big deal, but people LOVE to whine and complain... BRING ON THE CHEESE, 'CAUSE WE'RE DEALIN' WITH A LOTTA WHINE!!!
ANYWAY, it was still fun. After that, we went to eat Mexican (talk about a taste of the world... Chinese for lunch, Mexican for dinner). Not only did it show me that a large majority of my life is centered around food, but I have a great close knit group of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. Both places we went, we all sat together at a big long table like a family. It was great... just like being at home... when my brother and I were home from school due to snow, my mom normally was too, so we would all huddle together and eat hot breakfasts and then hang out lazily around the house... And that's what we did today... had a hot--meal and then lazily hung around Betsy's house. While there is always tons of "whine," there is always tons of friendship... no matter who likes who or who doesn't like who...
So... I'll write more later... i do have more to write... but later... Nick and I are having a FABULOUS conversation now!
ANYWAY, it was still fun. After that, we went to eat Mexican (talk about a taste of the world... Chinese for lunch, Mexican for dinner). Not only did it show me that a large majority of my life is centered around food, but I have a great close knit group of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. Both places we went, we all sat together at a big long table like a family. It was great... just like being at home... when my brother and I were home from school due to snow, my mom normally was too, so we would all huddle together and eat hot breakfasts and then hang out lazily around the house... And that's what we did today... had a hot--meal and then lazily hung around Betsy's house. While there is always tons of "whine," there is always tons of friendship... no matter who likes who or who doesn't like who...
So... I'll write more later... i do have more to write... but later... Nick and I are having a FABULOUS conversation now!
Monday, January 26, 2004
by jenee...
This poem was on Jenee's away message. I don't know what point she was getting at or what made her write it, but I felt that it applied to me...
Suffocated in confusion he just wonders why
Maybe now he can change the things he's seen
Letting the moon rise and the sun set on his memories
Erasing the painted pictures of which he dreams
And yet he hates the love that turned him down
Like failed wings that gave him to the ground
The tide rolls in and the clouds roll by
And I turn away from him, as he looks at me
Crying transparent tears that set him free
-Jenee
I feel like I did the right thing by telling Jenee... People (including me) are always bashing her for being the strong person that she is. But right about now, I need a strong person to be there to listen to my griping and help me figure things out. I just want to openly say that I truly do love Jenee (despite what the 01.02.2004 entry may say). Sometimes I wish I could be like her and be completely open and forward with my opinons instead of so passive and reflective... See, I'm being reflective... I'm gonna stop.
I love you, Jenee.
Suffocated in confusion he just wonders why
Maybe now he can change the things he's seen
Letting the moon rise and the sun set on his memories
Erasing the painted pictures of which he dreams
And yet he hates the love that turned him down
Like failed wings that gave him to the ground
The tide rolls in and the clouds roll by
And I turn away from him, as he looks at me
Crying transparent tears that set him free
-Jenee
I feel like I did the right thing by telling Jenee... People (including me) are always bashing her for being the strong person that she is. But right about now, I need a strong person to be there to listen to my griping and help me figure things out. I just want to openly say that I truly do love Jenee (despite what the 01.02.2004 entry may say). Sometimes I wish I could be like her and be completely open and forward with my opinons instead of so passive and reflective... See, I'm being reflective... I'm gonna stop.
I love you, Jenee.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
i told...
I am so weak... I told someone else about the crush... I had only told one person, but it was a person that I don't see and is not around me or my crush on a regular basis. But now, I told someone that I see all the time... but I thought about it, and decided that it is probably a good thing. My dad says I keep things bottled up inside me too much... so to let one more person know isn't horrible. While I hope that it isn't a disaster, I think that it will be good. I now have a sounding board for when I need to vent about it. But, NO ONE ELSE! I promise myself. I cannot even fathom the crush finding out about it. Talk about World War III...
Anyway, I'm gonna talk about how cold and lonely I am right now... It's in-CRED-ibly cold... we've got sleet/snow/freezing rain goin' on, and classes are cancelled tomorrow until noon... yay. I only have one class tomorrow, and it is at 3:35. Oh well... can we talk about how ridiculously boring the next 16 hours are going to be... cabin fever. Alone in here with nothing but this computer and TV. I usually HATE when people HAVE to sleep in the same bed with their significant other every night... It's annoying to think that two people can't be apart when they are sleeping... the most alone time of the day for EVERYONE... but... lately I have been thinking to myself how nice it would be to fall asleep in the arms of someone else... to be warm and know that the person next to you loves you so much that they would sacrifice the comfort of their own university issued extra-long twin bed to cram into YOUR university issued extra-long twin bed. And other reasons of course... I just can't help but be a little cynical right now...
...after a L O N G time of being as single as a Wendy's 99 cent single (wait, that's not incredibly single 'cause you can mix and match with other items on the 99 cent value menu!), I can't help but hate the things that I see couples do... not because it sucks... but just because of being jealous. It's just like what my parents told me in elementary school... people made fun of me because I was smart and making good grades and they weren't, so they made fun of me... "Oh, how the table's have turned." Now, I'm being the punk and making fun of couples. I don't think it's wrong either... I mean, if they are so hurt by little old me making fun of them in my blog, then they can go run to the arms of their valiant prince or dainty princess and find relief.
And since we are on the subject of the things couples do and say... here's one... that was just brought to my attention by Patrick... "that's when they say things happen... when you're not even lookin' for them." My response: "yeah... but I don't believe it though." And I don't. As Jenee once said, "It's all about the chase." And it is... EVERYTHING we do is about "lookin' for them." It's in the way we dress, the way we brush our hair, the kind of car we drive, the career we choose, the place where we live... it is. So no one EVER stops looking... except people who are HAPPILY married. And you know that someone is happily married when they go out in public lookin' like whodunit and why... 'cause they have no reason to look good and impress anyone... they HAVE the person they want, and they don't need to put on any Dolce and Gabanna or Merle Norman to catch anyone's eye. I look at myself... getting a haircut weekly (or at least in a perfect world, that is what I would be doing), wanting SO badly to get my contacts and get rid of these glasses in front of my face, going to the gym to work out... What really makes me think that doing these things are going to make me SO desirable??? In reality, I think I am a pretty good guy as I am. I might not have a fresh cut all the time, or gorgueous eyes, or a perfect physique, but I am nice, caring, have a pretty good sense of humor, and have the desire to love someone unconditionally with everything that I am. Obviously, that isn't enough...
...and it's why I wrote all this just to say... I told...
Anyway, I'm gonna talk about how cold and lonely I am right now... It's in-CRED-ibly cold... we've got sleet/snow/freezing rain goin' on, and classes are cancelled tomorrow until noon... yay. I only have one class tomorrow, and it is at 3:35. Oh well... can we talk about how ridiculously boring the next 16 hours are going to be... cabin fever. Alone in here with nothing but this computer and TV. I usually HATE when people HAVE to sleep in the same bed with their significant other every night... It's annoying to think that two people can't be apart when they are sleeping... the most alone time of the day for EVERYONE... but... lately I have been thinking to myself how nice it would be to fall asleep in the arms of someone else... to be warm and know that the person next to you loves you so much that they would sacrifice the comfort of their own university issued extra-long twin bed to cram into YOUR university issued extra-long twin bed. And other reasons of course... I just can't help but be a little cynical right now...
...after a L O N G time of being as single as a Wendy's 99 cent single (wait, that's not incredibly single 'cause you can mix and match with other items on the 99 cent value menu!), I can't help but hate the things that I see couples do... not because it sucks... but just because of being jealous. It's just like what my parents told me in elementary school... people made fun of me because I was smart and making good grades and they weren't, so they made fun of me... "Oh, how the table's have turned." Now, I'm being the punk and making fun of couples. I don't think it's wrong either... I mean, if they are so hurt by little old me making fun of them in my blog, then they can go run to the arms of their valiant prince or dainty princess and find relief.
And since we are on the subject of the things couples do and say... here's one... that was just brought to my attention by Patrick... "that's when they say things happen... when you're not even lookin' for them." My response: "yeah... but I don't believe it though." And I don't. As Jenee once said, "It's all about the chase." And it is... EVERYTHING we do is about "lookin' for them." It's in the way we dress, the way we brush our hair, the kind of car we drive, the career we choose, the place where we live... it is. So no one EVER stops looking... except people who are HAPPILY married. And you know that someone is happily married when they go out in public lookin' like whodunit and why... 'cause they have no reason to look good and impress anyone... they HAVE the person they want, and they don't need to put on any Dolce and Gabanna or Merle Norman to catch anyone's eye. I look at myself... getting a haircut weekly (or at least in a perfect world, that is what I would be doing), wanting SO badly to get my contacts and get rid of these glasses in front of my face, going to the gym to work out... What really makes me think that doing these things are going to make me SO desirable??? In reality, I think I am a pretty good guy as I am. I might not have a fresh cut all the time, or gorgueous eyes, or a perfect physique, but I am nice, caring, have a pretty good sense of humor, and have the desire to love someone unconditionally with everything that I am. Obviously, that isn't enough...
...and it's why I wrote all this just to say... I told...
battle of the bands
So, today, I went BACK to Atlanta to see the 2004 Honda Battle of the Bands. I had a GREAT time... it was so cool to be able to be the immense band nerd that I am and have SO much fun doing it... BUT, I have to say, that I would NEVER give up my experience in Tiger Band to be in an HBCU band. They are fun to look at, but... I dunno, there is only so much bass drum bangin' and champagne dancers that I can take. I like my little corps style band at good ol' CU. It makes me feel a little hokey, like the citizens of Clemson and the other surrounding cities in Pickens and Oconee Counties, but I do. HELL YEAH FOR SOME TIGER RAG!
That's pretty much all I wanted to say... Since Jenee told me that I cannot speak of the crush OR grape kool-aid again until I tell her who the crush is... but of course, that isn't going to happen... I can't break a Ham Rule!
That's pretty much all I wanted to say... Since Jenee told me that I cannot speak of the crush OR grape kool-aid again until I tell her who the crush is... but of course, that isn't going to happen... I can't break a Ham Rule!
Friday, January 23, 2004
grape kool-aid
I bought some grape kool-aid mix the other day. I didn't realize how much it was going to start controlling my life. I don't have any made right now, but it is sitting about 3 feet away from me tempting me, and the more and more that I type about it I want it, and I want it now... I'll be right back... :)
Okay... I've got my kool-aid. I'm better now...
This sickening attraction to my grape kool-aid is similar to another type of attraction... This crush. It's kinda like it is sitting about 3 feet away from me tempting me. Unlike my kool-aid, I can't just jump up and go get it though. Not only would I be a nervous wreck, but I see it possibly wrecking a friendship or at least wrecking my self esteem. Getting some kool-aid is not as serious...
Sadly enough, my kool-aid mix is going to run out in a few days... and there will be no threat of temptation. While I'll be sad 'cause I won't be able to enjoy the cool, tasty, grapity drink that has made me happy for these few days, it will be good because there won't be anything keeping me from typing in my journal. So, maybe I should give up on the crush... save myself from some of the wrecking that I talked about a minute ago...
...and the little bit of kool-aid I made to calm my craving is now gone... surprisingly, I don't want anymore either...
Okay... I've got my kool-aid. I'm better now...
This sickening attraction to my grape kool-aid is similar to another type of attraction... This crush. It's kinda like it is sitting about 3 feet away from me tempting me. Unlike my kool-aid, I can't just jump up and go get it though. Not only would I be a nervous wreck, but I see it possibly wrecking a friendship or at least wrecking my self esteem. Getting some kool-aid is not as serious...
Sadly enough, my kool-aid mix is going to run out in a few days... and there will be no threat of temptation. While I'll be sad 'cause I won't be able to enjoy the cool, tasty, grapity drink that has made me happy for these few days, it will be good because there won't be anything keeping me from typing in my journal. So, maybe I should give up on the crush... save myself from some of the wrecking that I talked about a minute ago...
...and the little bit of kool-aid I made to calm my craving is now gone... surprisingly, I don't want anymore either...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
...but it's only january!
ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! This is not a test. This is actually an emergency. Spring Fever has hit, and it's only January! Profiles and away messages all over are ALREADY heralding praises to significant others...
Wait a minute... it's always been that. Apparently, if you are dating someone, it is MANDATORY to show how much you love your bf/gf by putting one of these phrases in your profile. If you don't have one, feel free to highlight, right click, and copy!!!
I love [insert significant other's name]!
[your name] + [significant other's name] = love
[significant other's name] is my [baby, punkin, poo face, sweetie, baby daddy, baby mama, concubine, etc.]!
There are more... IM me if you need help coming up with one. But as for me, I am sticking to my trusty song lyrics that express how I feel in this epidemic of love we have goin' on right now...
"We could love one another..."
-Citizen Cope
This is so true... we could love one another... me and my crush, everyone and everyone else, and quite frankly, if everyone was gettin' a little love, we wouldn't be so catty to each other!
"Please forgive me if I act a little strange..."
-David Gray
'Cause I really can't help this feeling I've got goin' on inside and this attraction. It is a little strange... and at times, I feel like I need a little forgiveness... One of those things I don't have that much control over... if anything, it's really the CRUSHEE'S fault for being so awesome!
Wait a minute... it's always been that. Apparently, if you are dating someone, it is MANDATORY to show how much you love your bf/gf by putting one of these phrases in your profile. If you don't have one, feel free to highlight, right click, and copy!!!
I love [insert significant other's name]!
[your name] + [significant other's name] = love
[significant other's name] is my [baby, punkin, poo face, sweetie, baby daddy, baby mama, concubine, etc.]!
There are more... IM me if you need help coming up with one. But as for me, I am sticking to my trusty song lyrics that express how I feel in this epidemic of love we have goin' on right now...
"We could love one another..."
-Citizen Cope
This is so true... we could love one another... me and my crush, everyone and everyone else, and quite frankly, if everyone was gettin' a little love, we wouldn't be so catty to each other!
"Please forgive me if I act a little strange..."
-David Gray
'Cause I really can't help this feeling I've got goin' on inside and this attraction. It is a little strange... and at times, I feel like I need a little forgiveness... One of those things I don't have that much control over... if anything, it's really the CRUSHEE'S fault for being so awesome!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
the caller turns into the IMer
So, I said I was done with the caller... I think I am. Either I am, or I'm playing hard to get. They were actually online this evening. So, I IMed them. They were very responsive... even prompted me to talk... but I did not keep the conversation rolling. It was a really short conversation... really uneventful. But, apparently, when I was in NC on Sunday night, I was called... but I had my phone off, and I was way up on top of a mountain... so much for that.
The caller is also really overshadowed by my crush. I can't talk too much about it. I don't want to think about it anymore than I already do. I talked to a good friend of mine about it tonight... that person is the only person that knows about this crush too... I sincerely intend on it staying that way. In all actuality, I'm not looking for my crush to really notice me or actually fall for me... I think it's one of those things that is just gonna remain something all mine. Although, I've prayed that something might happen... And, I'm not a huge luck person, but today I found a penny laying heads up in the grass while walking to my car. I don't know why it caught my eye, cause it wasn't on the path. But, I picked it up and intend on holding on to it... Maybe it's a little glimmer of hope... like it was a glimmer amidst the grass. Who knows.
By the way, I'm not as composed this entry may seem. I'm pretty torn up inside...
The caller is also really overshadowed by my crush. I can't talk too much about it. I don't want to think about it anymore than I already do. I talked to a good friend of mine about it tonight... that person is the only person that knows about this crush too... I sincerely intend on it staying that way. In all actuality, I'm not looking for my crush to really notice me or actually fall for me... I think it's one of those things that is just gonna remain something all mine. Although, I've prayed that something might happen... And, I'm not a huge luck person, but today I found a penny laying heads up in the grass while walking to my car. I don't know why it caught my eye, cause it wasn't on the path. But, I picked it up and intend on holding on to it... Maybe it's a little glimmer of hope... like it was a glimmer amidst the grass. Who knows.
By the way, I'm not as composed this entry may seem. I'm pretty torn up inside...
giving up and holding on
This is gonna be short, cause it's 1:40, and I have a class in 6 hours and 20 minutes... But, tonight, I had an AWESOME talk with two of my best friends, Patrick and Nick. We talked about stuff that we have never talked about with anyone. It makes me feel good to know that I have people like that to confide in...
Anyway, it got me thinking about "the caller," and how there is a Ham Rule that prohibits me from making someone my priority when I am only their option. So, the fact that I am only called once every blue moon makes me an option... but yet, it is quite plain to see that I make "the caller" a priority with how much I talk about them... so, I'm gonna give up on that. Just another notch in my belt, you know... another person liked, another relationship averted.
And speaking of Ham Rules, there is also that one about no self-proclaimed crushes... yep... I still got that crush thing on someone else. I'm holding on to that one. I'm not incredibly discouraged about it either, however, it is something that I really cannot let on to anyone about. It's kinda like the one that Patrick has... something to hold on to... and watch not happen. My mom had one of those... this guy in college whose name started with a D... they called him "Delicious D-(whatever his d-name was)." She never dated him, and obviously ended up with my dad... but she still liked him... he never knew. I think that is what my little crush is gonna end up as.
So, with that, I start this new week... I seriously pray for a little better fortune...
Anyway, it got me thinking about "the caller," and how there is a Ham Rule that prohibits me from making someone my priority when I am only their option. So, the fact that I am only called once every blue moon makes me an option... but yet, it is quite plain to see that I make "the caller" a priority with how much I talk about them... so, I'm gonna give up on that. Just another notch in my belt, you know... another person liked, another relationship averted.
And speaking of Ham Rules, there is also that one about no self-proclaimed crushes... yep... I still got that crush thing on someone else. I'm holding on to that one. I'm not incredibly discouraged about it either, however, it is something that I really cannot let on to anyone about. It's kinda like the one that Patrick has... something to hold on to... and watch not happen. My mom had one of those... this guy in college whose name started with a D... they called him "Delicious D-(whatever his d-name was)." She never dated him, and obviously ended up with my dad... but she still liked him... he never knew. I think that is what my little crush is gonna end up as.
So, with that, I start this new week... I seriously pray for a little better fortune...
Saturday, January 17, 2004
shower time
I just took a shower... I had SO many thoughts running through my mind, but now they are gone. I do some of my best thinking in the shower. But, I'll attempt to put them down now...
Well, yesterday, the triumphant day of contacts, turned out to be TERRIBLE. First of all, I woke up at 7 to go to the gym with Kate... that was pretty good actually. I have been doing really well with this whole gym thing. Anyway, we were having so much fun feeling the burn at the gym that I left for Greenville late... and being late, I started down 123 a little faster than prohibited by law... 25 miles faster to be exact... I was going 90 in a 65, so I got a 6 point and $335 ticket. So, my parents are pretty livid...
I was pretty livid about the fact that when they put my contacts in, THEY DIDN'T FIT. So, I sped all the way down the highway and got a ticket just so they could tell me that my contacts didn't fit. I have to go back sometime next week to actually get my real contacts. I was EXTREMELY disappointed.
Anyway, I hung out a little last night, worked the desk for a hella long time... and today I went and worked out for 2 hours. I am really loving working out. I just really hope that I can keep it up and it won't just have been a this past week thing. I feel great now, so I know I'm doing something right.
One thought that has been going through my mind for the past day... well, it hasn't really been a thought, but a song lyric... It's called The Luckiest and it's by Ben Folds. The last verse is my favorite, and everytime I hear it, I tear up. It has to be the most beautiful but sad example of love ever...
I don't get many things right the first time.
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day.
And I know
that I am, I am,
I am the luckiest.
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike,
would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes,
I see one pair that I recognize.
And I know
that I am, I am,
I am the luckiest.
I love you more than I have
ever found a way to say to you.
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep.
And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away.
I'm sorry, I know that's a
strange way to tell you that I know we belong,
that I know that I am, I am
I am the luckiest.
That is so sweet. GOSH! But, alas, I am in the predicament I am always in... a beautiful love song and no one to share it with. I wish that I could sing it to someone... It would definitely be the most tender way to express that emotion.
A while ago, I talked about how I don't have any crushes. I lied... I mean, I'm really stuck on "the caller," but I like someone else too... but, no self-proclaimed crushes... It's against the Ham Rules. It will just remain in the back of my mind... probably forever. It's okay though.
That is probably one of the reasons that I was down so much this past week... Not only was I hung up on the lack of resolve from that last phone call with "the caller," but also on... this crush ish, and other r-word ish that has been floating through my mind... It sucks.
Right now, I wish "the caller" would call... and that I could come across about $335. I'm obviously not the luckiest.
Well, yesterday, the triumphant day of contacts, turned out to be TERRIBLE. First of all, I woke up at 7 to go to the gym with Kate... that was pretty good actually. I have been doing really well with this whole gym thing. Anyway, we were having so much fun feeling the burn at the gym that I left for Greenville late... and being late, I started down 123 a little faster than prohibited by law... 25 miles faster to be exact... I was going 90 in a 65, so I got a 6 point and $335 ticket. So, my parents are pretty livid...
I was pretty livid about the fact that when they put my contacts in, THEY DIDN'T FIT. So, I sped all the way down the highway and got a ticket just so they could tell me that my contacts didn't fit. I have to go back sometime next week to actually get my real contacts. I was EXTREMELY disappointed.
Anyway, I hung out a little last night, worked the desk for a hella long time... and today I went and worked out for 2 hours. I am really loving working out. I just really hope that I can keep it up and it won't just have been a this past week thing. I feel great now, so I know I'm doing something right.
One thought that has been going through my mind for the past day... well, it hasn't really been a thought, but a song lyric... It's called The Luckiest and it's by Ben Folds. The last verse is my favorite, and everytime I hear it, I tear up. It has to be the most beautiful but sad example of love ever...
I don't get many things right the first time.
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day.
And I know
that I am, I am,
I am the luckiest.
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
in a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike,
would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes,
I see one pair that I recognize.
And I know
that I am, I am,
I am the luckiest.
I love you more than I have
ever found a way to say to you.
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep.
And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away.
I'm sorry, I know that's a
strange way to tell you that I know we belong,
that I know that I am, I am
I am the luckiest.
That is so sweet. GOSH! But, alas, I am in the predicament I am always in... a beautiful love song and no one to share it with. I wish that I could sing it to someone... It would definitely be the most tender way to express that emotion.
A while ago, I talked about how I don't have any crushes. I lied... I mean, I'm really stuck on "the caller," but I like someone else too... but, no self-proclaimed crushes... It's against the Ham Rules. It will just remain in the back of my mind... probably forever. It's okay though.
That is probably one of the reasons that I was down so much this past week... Not only was I hung up on the lack of resolve from that last phone call with "the caller," but also on... this crush ish, and other r-word ish that has been floating through my mind... It sucks.
Right now, I wish "the caller" would call... and that I could come across about $335. I'm obviously not the luckiest.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
the way i move
Well, I'm listening to "The Way You Move" by Outkast... so, I have decided to write todays entry about how I move...
I move on the track in Fike. Yes, yesterday, I went and ran 10 laps at the track in Fike... I couldn't believe it! I owe it all to my personal trainer, Kate... She really pushed me in every way imaginable yesterday. I know I had a good work out, cause I feel it today. We are going again tomorrow morning at 7:15.
I AM GOING to move all over somebody's crooked behind... While I was working out with Kate, someone went in my bookbag, and stole all the money out of my wallet. It was the ONLY cash I had. I am seriously scrapping for money, and I don't get paid again until Jaunary 30th... that is 2 weeks away... ::sigh::
I move into a fetal position and go to sleep when I am in speech class... Now, it is not all Christy Raj's fault... It is my 4th straight class of 4 that start at 8 am... so, by the time I get to her class, I am REALLY tired. But she can seriously do better... SHE'S THE SPEECH TEACHER!!! Brent Igo can keep my attention better at 8 am with ed psych... yeah.
I move into my contacts tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!!!
I move further and further away from some of my friends daily... but it's ok...
...another song lyric about moving comes to mind...
I'm movin' on...
-Rascal Flatts
I move on the track in Fike. Yes, yesterday, I went and ran 10 laps at the track in Fike... I couldn't believe it! I owe it all to my personal trainer, Kate... She really pushed me in every way imaginable yesterday. I know I had a good work out, cause I feel it today. We are going again tomorrow morning at 7:15.
I AM GOING to move all over somebody's crooked behind... While I was working out with Kate, someone went in my bookbag, and stole all the money out of my wallet. It was the ONLY cash I had. I am seriously scrapping for money, and I don't get paid again until Jaunary 30th... that is 2 weeks away... ::sigh::
I move into a fetal position and go to sleep when I am in speech class... Now, it is not all Christy Raj's fault... It is my 4th straight class of 4 that start at 8 am... so, by the time I get to her class, I am REALLY tired. But she can seriously do better... SHE'S THE SPEECH TEACHER!!! Brent Igo can keep my attention better at 8 am with ed psych... yeah.
I move into my contacts tomorrow!!! I'm so excited!!!
I move further and further away from some of my friends daily... but it's ok...
...another song lyric about moving comes to mind...
I'm movin' on...
-Rascal Flatts
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
yesterday
Yesterday was terrible... Absolutely horrible... Class from 8 am to 1:45, then straight to Seneca for tutoring. It fightens me about Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tomorrow is Thursday. ::sigh:: Fortunately, it is the last day of classes until next Tuesday... but unfortunately, THAT is a TUESDAY... ugh. Anyway, yesterday also sucked because once I got back here, there was no one to go eat with, and everyone was at the basketball game. I was too tired to go to the basketball game... so I went to bed... at like 7 pm. I woke up at 9 feeling a little better. It just sucked though. It was a bad day. A tiring day. And not really anyone to vent to... well, Bryce offered a listening ear, but I didn't feel like talking about it. I don't really even feel like delving into it in here... Obviously, "it" is a little more than the fact that I had a 10 hour day yesterday... "it" is several things running through my mind... Honestly, it's also more than I want to put in here as well... So, I think I'll end up like "the caller" has predicted... laying on my bed in my room wearing nothing but a raincoat while watching static on TV and licking whipped cream out of an ashtray... Yeah... THAT'S the kinda stuff we talk about.
...and now, I'm speechless... Like Beyonce in this song I'm listening to... only not the same kind of speechless...
...and now, I'm speechless... Like Beyonce in this song I'm listening to... only not the same kind of speechless...
Monday, January 12, 2004
anticipation
No... not for call #5... the funny thing is, I have a lot of friends who are! "The Caller" is apparently a hot topic among some of my friends... well, I'm pretty stuck on "the caller" myself... :)
But this anticipation is to find out who freakin' made drum major!!! I am not gonna sit here and pretend that I don't think about it anymore... It has been inhabiting my thoughts a lot lately... I think I have been driven to this immense anticipation by all of my friends that keep asking me... and MY FAMILY!!! Honestly, my parents haven't been too involved in my band life until my brother and I both became drum majors at the same time. Now I get phone calls nightly asking if I know who got drum major... Do they think I'm gonna find out and not tell them??? Does EVERYONE in band think that the DMs will find out and they won't be notified???
I'M JUST GOIN' A LITTLE CRAZY HERE!!! But of course, once I write this down in here, I won't have to think about it for a while... UNTIL SOMEONE COMES AND ASKS ME IF I'VE FOUND ANYTHING OUT!!!
But it's okay. Sorry for the spaz... But there... it passed.
So now, I am ALSO anticipating my FIRST CLASS OF THE DAY. This whole one class on Mondays isn't as cute as I thought it would be... I just went to lunch with Anna and James, but most people are in class all day Monday... so, I'm just here in my room bored. Class doesn't start for another hour and a half... and after that, I have trombone lessons!!! So, I'm really excited about that. Oh, the anticipation...
Back to boredom...
But this anticipation is to find out who freakin' made drum major!!! I am not gonna sit here and pretend that I don't think about it anymore... It has been inhabiting my thoughts a lot lately... I think I have been driven to this immense anticipation by all of my friends that keep asking me... and MY FAMILY!!! Honestly, my parents haven't been too involved in my band life until my brother and I both became drum majors at the same time. Now I get phone calls nightly asking if I know who got drum major... Do they think I'm gonna find out and not tell them??? Does EVERYONE in band think that the DMs will find out and they won't be notified???
I'M JUST GOIN' A LITTLE CRAZY HERE!!! But of course, once I write this down in here, I won't have to think about it for a while... UNTIL SOMEONE COMES AND ASKS ME IF I'VE FOUND ANYTHING OUT!!!
But it's okay. Sorry for the spaz... But there... it passed.
So now, I am ALSO anticipating my FIRST CLASS OF THE DAY. This whole one class on Mondays isn't as cute as I thought it would be... I just went to lunch with Anna and James, but most people are in class all day Monday... so, I'm just here in my room bored. Class doesn't start for another hour and a half... and after that, I have trombone lessons!!! So, I'm really excited about that. Oh, the anticipation...
Back to boredom...
calls #3 and #4
I got call number 3 on Friday night. I was in a hurry to get over to Hoke's to party a little bit to pay too much attention to it... And, at 2:16 am, I just got off the phone from call number 4. This one was intense... This theme of this call was "the inner workings of Hamilton's mind." Well, I found out that there is attraction from the other side of the phone now... so that is exciting. I'm surprised I'm not more excited... So yeah, this person likes me... but I think now that they have seen the inner workings of my mind, I'm a nut case. I tried to say that I had feelings for this person... and somehow, my mind stopped working... Like it is starting to shut down now... I wasn't saying the right things... but then the calming and wonderful voice from the other end of the phone said, "Don't worry about the details..."
???
I'm so confused... but I was told not to think about it so much... but thinking is what the two of us had in common... There was awkward silence on the phone a lot tonight... when each of us asked why the other wasn't talking... it was because we were thinking... It's what I like so much about this person! Our intellects are something incredbile! The conversation is mind boggling. It's like sex with words! It's intense and rich and thought provoking conversation... it's GOOD! It's not bad that I feel this way! If anything, I feel inferior becasue my mind is not as intense as this persons... BUT THAT'S OKAY! They told me, "Say what you feel... Don't worry about the details..." It's okay... and they like me:
"I know if I had come back over that night after my exam, I would have regretted it." Our friendship right now is based solely on conversation... and it is good that way. I don't think I have even touched this person's hand... there is nothing physical as of right now (except for the fact that we saw each other that Wednesday about a month ago). And I said, "I want to get to know you better." And they said, "Fair enough."
But now, I won't wait in anticipation of the next call... but get my thoughts together for that next intense conversation... and in the mean time... not "worry about the details."
???
I'm so confused... but I was told not to think about it so much... but thinking is what the two of us had in common... There was awkward silence on the phone a lot tonight... when each of us asked why the other wasn't talking... it was because we were thinking... It's what I like so much about this person! Our intellects are something incredbile! The conversation is mind boggling. It's like sex with words! It's intense and rich and thought provoking conversation... it's GOOD! It's not bad that I feel this way! If anything, I feel inferior becasue my mind is not as intense as this persons... BUT THAT'S OKAY! They told me, "Say what you feel... Don't worry about the details..." It's okay... and they like me:
"I know if I had come back over that night after my exam, I would have regretted it." Our friendship right now is based solely on conversation... and it is good that way. I don't think I have even touched this person's hand... there is nothing physical as of right now (except for the fact that we saw each other that Wednesday about a month ago). And I said, "I want to get to know you better." And they said, "Fair enough."
But now, I won't wait in anticipation of the next call... but get my thoughts together for that next intense conversation... and in the mean time... not "worry about the details."
Sunday, January 11, 2004
i am mr. junior league
Yes, that is me... Mr. Junior Leage... Why you ask? My friends and their r-thingies are my charity case... I seriously look out for my friends more than myself... well, either I do that or I live vicariously through them. I would like to think I am Mr. Junior League. I was the same way in high school... setting my friends up, helping them through their r-word ish... While I sat on the sidelines and watched... don't worry, I'm not gonna get depressed...
...in fact, I'm not going to talk about this... I'm getting tired. I've stated my point: I help my friends out with their r-word ish... but I can't do anything about my own... I am Mr. Junior League...
Yay for Bryce...
Yay for Kristen...
Yay for Mr. Junior League!
...in fact, I'm not going to talk about this... I'm getting tired. I've stated my point: I help my friends out with their r-word ish... but I can't do anything about my own... I am Mr. Junior League...
Yay for Bryce...
Yay for Kristen...
Yay for Mr. Junior League!
one day in your life...
So, I am listening to "One Day In Your Life" by Anastacia... such a diva... Anyway, I like it. It makes me wanna dance. I wanna dance. I wanna dance tonight.
And also, it gives me a little hope (close this window if you don't want to hear anything mushy)... Yeah, one day in my life I'll find a wonderful person to share life with. The only reason I am thinking about this is because I had a conversation with Patrick in the car today about it... the funny thing is, this conversation only lasted from McCabe to Mauldin, which is an incredibly short distance... but this conversation sparked so much thought. He was talking about someone he likes and how he can't stop thinking about it... It made me think that I have gotten pretty good with suppressing my crushes (I mean, that is a Ham Rule: No Self-Proclaimed Crushes). I told him that there is nothing wrong with crushing over someone, and in actuality, it's a little fun. Right now, I don't have a crush really... I did tell him in the back of my mind there are names floating around... not really crushes, more or less people that have caught my eye.
But, anyway... no crushes for me...
And also, it gives me a little hope (close this window if you don't want to hear anything mushy)... Yeah, one day in my life I'll find a wonderful person to share life with. The only reason I am thinking about this is because I had a conversation with Patrick in the car today about it... the funny thing is, this conversation only lasted from McCabe to Mauldin, which is an incredibly short distance... but this conversation sparked so much thought. He was talking about someone he likes and how he can't stop thinking about it... It made me think that I have gotten pretty good with suppressing my crushes (I mean, that is a Ham Rule: No Self-Proclaimed Crushes). I told him that there is nothing wrong with crushing over someone, and in actuality, it's a little fun. Right now, I don't have a crush really... I did tell him in the back of my mind there are names floating around... not really crushes, more or less people that have caught my eye.
But, anyway... no crushes for me...
Friday, January 09, 2004
i've got to admit it's gettin' better...
...as the Beatles said... So, the living alone thing has its perks. And now that RA crap for crap is pretty much over, I get time to spend with my friends and brothers. And, class is pretty much in full swing... full swing is barely a swing at all right now though... on Fridays I have NO CLASS!!! Mondays, I have one, and Wednesdays I have 2... Tuesdays and Thursdays are hell starting at 8 am though. It's all good. The 3 1/2 day weekend makes up for it. So, it is Thursday night, and I'm up just chillin'.
I went out to eat with Mike, Missy, Nick, Jenee, Hoke, Tex, and Paul tonight. We had a good discussion about religion. I am so thankful for my religion... My faith and understanding in my religion is still a work in process, but I truly thank God for being a part of my life... as crazy as it seems sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrit... I'm not perfect at all... but as the Kirk Franklin CD that I listened to all afternoon says, "He keeps on lookin' out for me..." THANK GOD!
And, you know... last night, I had to thank God for and ask Him to bless some of my friends... some are just having a little trouble, and others are being a burden to me and to other friends... My dad says that when you are praying for someone, you have to call their names out sometimes... so I did. I think God is takin' his time workin' on that one... I had an encounter with one of them today... ::sigh:: and I used to write such good things about him in my other journal... oh well... people and BROTHERS change apparently.
But, while I am being reflective and asking for things and thanking God for things, I guess I need to ask for a little healing... I have been feeling really bad... it's the whole kidney thing... I haven't told any of my friends, but today was almost unbearable... I couldn't even enjoy the eye candy in my Ed Psych class (thank God for THAT)! But seriously, I sould love to wake up in the morning and for this to go away... especially for the weekend... I just want to feel better.
Okay, I suppose that is it. Yeah...
I've got to admit it's gettin' better... A little better all the time...
-The Beatles
I went out to eat with Mike, Missy, Nick, Jenee, Hoke, Tex, and Paul tonight. We had a good discussion about religion. I am so thankful for my religion... My faith and understanding in my religion is still a work in process, but I truly thank God for being a part of my life... as crazy as it seems sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrit... I'm not perfect at all... but as the Kirk Franklin CD that I listened to all afternoon says, "He keeps on lookin' out for me..." THANK GOD!
And, you know... last night, I had to thank God for and ask Him to bless some of my friends... some are just having a little trouble, and others are being a burden to me and to other friends... My dad says that when you are praying for someone, you have to call their names out sometimes... so I did. I think God is takin' his time workin' on that one... I had an encounter with one of them today... ::sigh:: and I used to write such good things about him in my other journal... oh well... people and BROTHERS change apparently.
But, while I am being reflective and asking for things and thanking God for things, I guess I need to ask for a little healing... I have been feeling really bad... it's the whole kidney thing... I haven't told any of my friends, but today was almost unbearable... I couldn't even enjoy the eye candy in my Ed Psych class (thank God for THAT)! But seriously, I sould love to wake up in the morning and for this to go away... especially for the weekend... I just want to feel better.
Okay, I suppose that is it. Yeah...
I've got to admit it's gettin' better... A little better all the time...
-The Beatles
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
super huge immense crazy cold shower kick in the face wake up call
I feel like I am ridiculously separated from the rest of the world... I really didn't think that being the ONLY resident in Mauldin 3A7 would be so mind numbing... now don't get me wrong. I don't want a Lee back in here... turns out, we have been talking a lot more and hanging out a lot more now that we aren't living together. He's a good guy... I just couldn't live with him.
But, I feel really alone. It's weird... like the worst and biggest wake up call of my life... I'm gonna be living on my own soon. Like out in the real world. There won't be friends across campus or up the road... I'll be starting all over again with no friends at all. It's scary... just seeing how this semester is so far... Missy, Rach, Hoke, Tripp, and the rest of that crowd are over on the west side... Jenee, Betsy, Patrick, and the rest of the Rose Hill people are off campus... Erin is in Spartanburg... and Deni is back, so Kate is going to be slightly more preoccupied.
All I've got are these freshmen boys over here... they aren't bad... just not really into the same things I am... or maybe I'm not into the things they are into. Besides, I am just about fed up with being an RA. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to throw something last night...
I went to Wendy's with Karen, Missy, Jenee, Jay, and Renata last night and seriously almost threw my cup on the ground. Just pent up anger from the day and hearing about my darling brothers... They are really going to make me be not so nice eventually... sad face. Just another wake up call... that people in general are crappy... maybe this whole "solitary confinement" thing isn't so bad after all...
But, I feel really alone. It's weird... like the worst and biggest wake up call of my life... I'm gonna be living on my own soon. Like out in the real world. There won't be friends across campus or up the road... I'll be starting all over again with no friends at all. It's scary... just seeing how this semester is so far... Missy, Rach, Hoke, Tripp, and the rest of that crowd are over on the west side... Jenee, Betsy, Patrick, and the rest of the Rose Hill people are off campus... Erin is in Spartanburg... and Deni is back, so Kate is going to be slightly more preoccupied.
All I've got are these freshmen boys over here... they aren't bad... just not really into the same things I am... or maybe I'm not into the things they are into. Besides, I am just about fed up with being an RA. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to throw something last night...
I went to Wendy's with Karen, Missy, Jenee, Jay, and Renata last night and seriously almost threw my cup on the ground. Just pent up anger from the day and hearing about my darling brothers... They are really going to make me be not so nice eventually... sad face. Just another wake up call... that people in general are crappy... maybe this whole "solitary confinement" thing isn't so bad after all...
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
ketchup
I guess I gotta "kethup" on all that has gone on since that night back in ATL that I was so bothered that I had to write... pretty tragic actually... that I was so upset that I had to take time out of my fabulous vacation and blog... Anyway...
Because of ish that happened on the trip, me and my wonderful group of friends sat down and talked on Saturday night. I never thought that I would ever be included in a group of friends that scheduled a time for everyone to sit down and talk about their issues... I mean, one would imagine that I could do that in KKPsi, but not ALL of us are like that... thankfully, there are a few of them that do care about the friendships they have with their friends. Thank God for my friends... more specifically, Missy, Jenee, Kiki, Rebel, Nick, and Patrick. We talked it out like adults... It made me feel a little more grown up.
Unfortunately, like a grown up, I had to work my butt off as soon as I got back to Clemson... the Tigers won the Peach Bowl by the way... 27-14. But like I said, as soon as I got back to Clemson, it was RA mess that I have had to do... quite frankly, I have hated it... I want to bash it and talk about how horrifically terrible it is, but I can't think of enough obscenities. And, I don't want to cuss that much... I was pretty free flowing with the 4 letter words that last entry... sorry about that! ;-)
Anyway, I don't have lots more to write about. I thought I did, but that little bit I wrote has made me feel a lot better. I was ready to tell several people to F-off today... with RA crap, my scholarship meeting, buying textbooks, losing my prescription, losing my check... the day has been crappy...
But, Ryan just came over, and I haven't seen him since May of last year, so that made me happy... and later tonight, hopefully I will get to hang out with some friends... after this ridiculous mess we call RA training... ::sigh::
Because of ish that happened on the trip, me and my wonderful group of friends sat down and talked on Saturday night. I never thought that I would ever be included in a group of friends that scheduled a time for everyone to sit down and talk about their issues... I mean, one would imagine that I could do that in KKPsi, but not ALL of us are like that... thankfully, there are a few of them that do care about the friendships they have with their friends. Thank God for my friends... more specifically, Missy, Jenee, Kiki, Rebel, Nick, and Patrick. We talked it out like adults... It made me feel a little more grown up.
Unfortunately, like a grown up, I had to work my butt off as soon as I got back to Clemson... the Tigers won the Peach Bowl by the way... 27-14. But like I said, as soon as I got back to Clemson, it was RA mess that I have had to do... quite frankly, I have hated it... I want to bash it and talk about how horrifically terrible it is, but I can't think of enough obscenities. And, I don't want to cuss that much... I was pretty free flowing with the 4 letter words that last entry... sorry about that! ;-)
Anyway, I don't have lots more to write about. I thought I did, but that little bit I wrote has made me feel a lot better. I was ready to tell several people to F-off today... with RA crap, my scholarship meeting, buying textbooks, losing my prescription, losing my check... the day has been crappy...
But, Ryan just came over, and I haven't seen him since May of last year, so that made me happy... and later tonight, hopefully I will get to hang out with some friends... after this ridiculous mess we call RA training... ::sigh::
Friday, January 02, 2004
the little drummer boy
Greetings from Atlanta, GA, 14 hours from the kick-off 2004 Peach Bowl. This trip has been really fun... and really interesting. I HATE to look at this trip in such a terrible light right now, but I have to. I mean, New Years has come and gone, I've almost spent all of my perdiem... but people on this trip are CRAZY!
Missy is upset at us for not being able to hang out with her, but she has Hoke around her at all times, so I really can't sympathize... I love her to death, but I have VERY little patience for people in relationships who feel the need to have their friends AND significant other with them at all times. ::sigh::
Secondly, let it be known that I DO love Jenee... but she can really burn me up sometimes... The fact that she is always right, or that what she says, does, or thinks is of the utmost importance or relevance. NO ONE... absolutely no one can tell me how to be, think, or live... or how I am. My mom and dad used to, but every day that I grow older, I gain a little more independence... so why the HELL would I listen to a random 19 year old girl, when there are things my parents can't tell me to do... I don't care how passive I am. The label of "passive" is pretty much bull honkey, because there are times when Hamilton can only take so much, and passive is not a word that exists in my vocabulary. I don't get pissed much, but I kinda am right now... it wouldn't take much to make me go off... ::sigh::
Thirdly, the little f*@#ing drummer boy... so, I won't go into huge detail, cause I know tons of people read this $hit, but... this drummer that EVERYONE obsesses over, I just had to help him secure himself... I have NEVER seen this person like this. I actually just had my first real conversation with him today. He seems like a pretty intense person, but on a more personal level, he is really cool. Unfortunately, as a drunk, he is a little less tolerable (but who isn't?). Anyway, I was frustrated while trying to get him in the bed. I dunno... I think that the reason I am so freaked out about this occurrence is because I thought one way about this person, but now I think differently. BUT, I can't really do that... the boy was drunk. But there are other reasons amongst this situation that now, I don't feel like delving into. ::sigh::
There are people that I know that make me freak out. Spending time with them on these little trips really helps me realize that the only person that I can truly tolerate is me... and sometimes, I can't tolerate myself... I am tired of trying to please people and be nice to people and be f*@#ing "passive." That is the way I am, but quite honestly, on the inside, words fly, my blood boils, I scream, I cry, I shout, I freak out...
I probably will NEVER be the type of person that puts ALL of my feelings out there for everyone to see... I mean, I didn't even delve into all of my issues with the little drummer boy. Like my dad says, I am an incredibly independent person, despite what ANY f*@#ing person says. I write my feelings in this blog as uncensored as I feel... I know people read it. I have no problem with it... It's my little bit of independence that I am willing to give up... There is tons more that I keep inside... I, Hamilton, live this life...
THANK GOD I can live how I want to live, think what I want to think, and be how I want to be. I know myself... NO ONE knows me better than myself... and I don't even have the relationship with MYSELF that I would like to have... but again, THANK GOD... I'm workin' on it...
And you know... I really want to write more in here, get everything out, and be done with this little blurb of my life... but I can't... sometimes the voice inside says the same thing that Ellen DeGeneres said to suspiciously gay Clay Aiken the other day: "Keep your privacy. It's one of the only things you have... It's all yours."
Missy is upset at us for not being able to hang out with her, but she has Hoke around her at all times, so I really can't sympathize... I love her to death, but I have VERY little patience for people in relationships who feel the need to have their friends AND significant other with them at all times. ::sigh::
Secondly, let it be known that I DO love Jenee... but she can really burn me up sometimes... The fact that she is always right, or that what she says, does, or thinks is of the utmost importance or relevance. NO ONE... absolutely no one can tell me how to be, think, or live... or how I am. My mom and dad used to, but every day that I grow older, I gain a little more independence... so why the HELL would I listen to a random 19 year old girl, when there are things my parents can't tell me to do... I don't care how passive I am. The label of "passive" is pretty much bull honkey, because there are times when Hamilton can only take so much, and passive is not a word that exists in my vocabulary. I don't get pissed much, but I kinda am right now... it wouldn't take much to make me go off... ::sigh::
Thirdly, the little f*@#ing drummer boy... so, I won't go into huge detail, cause I know tons of people read this $hit, but... this drummer that EVERYONE obsesses over, I just had to help him secure himself... I have NEVER seen this person like this. I actually just had my first real conversation with him today. He seems like a pretty intense person, but on a more personal level, he is really cool. Unfortunately, as a drunk, he is a little less tolerable (but who isn't?). Anyway, I was frustrated while trying to get him in the bed. I dunno... I think that the reason I am so freaked out about this occurrence is because I thought one way about this person, but now I think differently. BUT, I can't really do that... the boy was drunk. But there are other reasons amongst this situation that now, I don't feel like delving into. ::sigh::
There are people that I know that make me freak out. Spending time with them on these little trips really helps me realize that the only person that I can truly tolerate is me... and sometimes, I can't tolerate myself... I am tired of trying to please people and be nice to people and be f*@#ing "passive." That is the way I am, but quite honestly, on the inside, words fly, my blood boils, I scream, I cry, I shout, I freak out...
I probably will NEVER be the type of person that puts ALL of my feelings out there for everyone to see... I mean, I didn't even delve into all of my issues with the little drummer boy. Like my dad says, I am an incredibly independent person, despite what ANY f*@#ing person says. I write my feelings in this blog as uncensored as I feel... I know people read it. I have no problem with it... It's my little bit of independence that I am willing to give up... There is tons more that I keep inside... I, Hamilton, live this life...
THANK GOD I can live how I want to live, think what I want to think, and be how I want to be. I know myself... NO ONE knows me better than myself... and I don't even have the relationship with MYSELF that I would like to have... but again, THANK GOD... I'm workin' on it...
And you know... I really want to write more in here, get everything out, and be done with this little blurb of my life... but I can't... sometimes the voice inside says the same thing that Ellen DeGeneres said to suspiciously gay Clay Aiken the other day: "Keep your privacy. It's one of the only things you have... It's all yours."
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