the little drummer boy

Greetings from Atlanta, GA, 14 hours from the kick-off 2004 Peach Bowl. This trip has been really fun... and really interesting. I HATE to look at this trip in such a terrible light right now, but I have to. I mean, New Years has come and gone, I've almost spent all of my perdiem... but people on this trip are CRAZY!

Missy is upset at us for not being able to hang out with her, but she has Hoke around her at all times, so I really can't sympathize... I love her to death, but I have VERY little patience for people in relationships who feel the need to have their friends AND significant other with them at all times. ::sigh::

Secondly, let it be known that I DO love Jenee... but she can really burn me up sometimes... The fact that she is always right, or that what she says, does, or thinks is of the utmost importance or relevance. NO ONE... absolutely no one can tell me how to be, think, or live... or how I am. My mom and dad used to, but every day that I grow older, I gain a little more independence... so why the HELL would I listen to a random 19 year old girl, when there are things my parents can't tell me to do... I don't care how passive I am. The label of "passive" is pretty much bull honkey, because there are times when Hamilton can only take so much, and passive is not a word that exists in my vocabulary. I don't get pissed much, but I kinda am right now... it wouldn't take much to make me go off... ::sigh::

Thirdly, the little f*@#ing drummer boy... so, I won't go into huge detail, cause I know tons of people read this $hit, but... this drummer that EVERYONE obsesses over, I just had to help him secure himself... I have NEVER seen this person like this. I actually just had my first real conversation with him today. He seems like a pretty intense person, but on a more personal level, he is really cool. Unfortunately, as a drunk, he is a little less tolerable (but who isn't?). Anyway, I was frustrated while trying to get him in the bed. I dunno... I think that the reason I am so freaked out about this occurrence is because I thought one way about this person, but now I think differently. BUT, I can't really do that... the boy was drunk. But there are other reasons amongst this situation that now, I don't feel like delving into. ::sigh::

There are people that I know that make me freak out. Spending time with them on these little trips really helps me realize that the only person that I can truly tolerate is me... and sometimes, I can't tolerate myself... I am tired of trying to please people and be nice to people and be f*@#ing "passive." That is the way I am, but quite honestly, on the inside, words fly, my blood boils, I scream, I cry, I shout, I freak out...

I probably will NEVER be the type of person that puts ALL of my feelings out there for everyone to see... I mean, I didn't even delve into all of my issues with the little drummer boy. Like my dad says, I am an incredibly independent person, despite what ANY f*@#ing person says. I write my feelings in this blog as uncensored as I feel... I know people read it. I have no problem with it... It's my little bit of independence that I am willing to give up... There is tons more that I keep inside... I, Hamilton, live this life...

THANK GOD I can live how I want to live, think what I want to think, and be how I want to be. I know myself... NO ONE knows me better than myself... and I don't even have the relationship with MYSELF that I would like to have... but again, THANK GOD... I'm workin' on it...

And you know... I really want to write more in here, get everything out, and be done with this little blurb of my life... but I can't... sometimes the voice inside says the same thing that Ellen DeGeneres said to suspiciously gay Clay Aiken the other day: "Keep your privacy. It's one of the only things you have... It's all yours."