congratulations...

...you have stumbled across one of the few entries like this that I actually put in here instead of my secret blog. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly... especially you, stalker triangle head girl...

So I start of by posing this question: Why? (The assistant principal at ENSA said that it's always good to start out a writing sample with a question because it is a good topic sentence and it is such an infrequently used strategy) Why can I give such good advice on love and such, but when it comes to myself, I can't do right? I mean, seriously. Ever since middle school, I have been in TLC and Natural Helpers... I have been a counselor for children who have been victims of neglect and poverty. I'm a friggin teacher! I help people LEARN! But alas, when it comes to helping myself, I might as well be a vegetable: I can't do anything.

I pose this question because of the conversation I just had with a friend of mine who was having issues with his relationship. I'm not gonna go all into his business, but all I'll say is, he was felt his 4 year relationship was loosing its spark and a new love interest was catching his eye... what was he to do? We talked, and I actually kinda frightened myself when it all came down to it. I didn't even have to think about what to say to him. I did have to censor myself from giving MY opinion and telling him whether he was right or wrong, but when it came to giving him encouragement and telling him wise decisions to do, it came so easily! The advice just flowed from my brain (and heart) to my fingers and I just typed it out. It was so good... I mean, seriously, so good... which is why I had to come write about it here directly after we got done discussing.

So, it's funny... even though I don't have these relationship problems or questions, and I don't have a relationship period, it makes me feel good. Kinda like I'm a little use to somebody. I'm not really exclusively special to any one person, but it felt good to know that my advice and me taking the time to care was greatly appreciated.

I guess if I can't have a relationship, I should at least help people keep theirs.

4th grade is of the meat rack

Oh yes it is.

Mr. Parks, Mr. Field, Ms. Hendry, and Ms. Jenkinson make up the fabulous fourth grade team at East North Street Academy of Mathematics and Science. Oh yes.

I was honestly really scared before I went in there. I had no clue what starting a real job was going to be like. My first day was absolutely incredible though.

The 4 of us in 4th grade click very well. Mr. Field is a good bit older than the rest of us, but he is really cool and easy to talk to. Amy and Melissa (the other 2) have both been teaching for 3 years, but they are very close to my age. We all have a good bit in common and all 4 of us like to cut up and carry on. I really think our group couldn't have congealed any better in a days time.

My room is looking even MORE put together now... yeah, I know you're like, "but Hamilton, it's already so absolutely amazing!" Well, imagine it being even more hella tight. I only spent $70 on it so far, so this afternoon, I went out and attempted to spend the rest of my $250 (have you any idea hoe much fun it is to spend money that isn't yours?). I can't wait to get the stuff I got today into the room. I really think it's going to be a really fun atmosphere. My principal and assistant principal came in and they were extremely impressed with my progress with such little time and resources. Ha. I'm so good.

Tomorrow is another workday. I'm REALLY looking forward to the rest of this week and the rest of this year. ENSA just seems like a really happy school. Everyone is SO positive and helpful...

...it reminds me of dear Code.

the tongue

So lately, church has been for real serious. I don't know whether it's me being grown up, or just the fact that Jesus is pickin' at me hard. My dad said something absolutely profound (he has been saying a lot of profound things lately, as he isn't preaching this month so any chance he gets to say anything, he lets it all out):

"Life and death is in the power of the tongue."

So very true... in so many ways.

See, I have been writing in my secret blog just about every night for the past few days... yeah, some serious stuff going on upstairs. I have actually been in a pretty lousy mood since my birthday. But, I haven't said anything in here, nor spoken any of it to anyone... frankly because I feel like all I ever do is whine in here, and I know that is not very becoming of me... and another thing is, if you talk like you are miserable, you'll be miserable. And honestly, I have always thought this way... I really have. It kinda goes along with Ham Rule #9: No Self-Proclaimed Crushes (see all the Ham Rules here). You speak it, then it comes into truth.

Another thing that was said at church was by my Sunday School teacher... he made the remarkable discovery that there is a cycle of depression... this is how it works...

You're depressed for whatever reason --> No one wants to hang around a depressed person --> You get even more depressed because no one wants to hang around you --> No one wants to hang around a depressed person --> etc.

How profound huh?

So seriously... If you live your life depressed, you'll basically remain that way... all because YOU have spoken it upon yourself.

And yes, it's easier said than done. I'm willing to admit that... Hence why I keep my secret blog... so I can keep my depressing thoughts to myself and not speak them into truth for the whole internet community (and triangle head girl... LOL).

Sorry to get all serious on y'all today...

...pass the collection plate. Church is now over.

NIGHTMARE!

Omg. So I just woke up... and I was absolutely terrified by what just happened! I KNOW that I am nervous about school starting now... 'cause this dream just says it all.

Well, what I remember first was seeing Mrs. Hatton, my practicum teacher from Central Elementary somewhere out and about. She was telling me about how they needed another 5th grade teacher BADLY at Central. Apparently, it sparked my interest, EVEN THOUGH I have a job at East North Street Academy and I REALLY didn't like Central Elementary. For some reason in this dream though, I was all about some Central. As a matter of fact, Central Elementary was ACTUALLY in CODE Elementary's building... it basically was Code Elementary, only it was called Central. So weird. Anyway, I really do love Code... I had the time of my life there. So, since it was Code Elementary (only named Central) I decided not to tell anyone about me not showing up at ENSA, and just show up at Central (Code). So I got to Central and Mrs. Hatton was there and so excited to see me. I sat in her classroom that first morning before the students got there. She wasn't really telling me anything I needed to know... basically we were just "chewing the fat." I was starting to get really excited because my kids were going to be some of the same kids that I had the year before when I did my student teaching (and on another note, my student teaching--at CODE--was supervised by the fabulous Mrs. Sandra Stephens... and she was AMAZING--Code Elementary's Teacher of the Year 2005-2006, mind you--and I don't know WHY she was no where in this dream... probably because she is such a well put together woman and would not at all be involved in this mess). So when it got close to time for the bell to ring, I walked out of Mrs. Hatton's room (which was actually in the same spot that was Mrs. Stephens' room at Code) and say Ms. A, who taught acroos the hall. Her room (well, "spot" because there were no walls on that side of the hall... it was like that tragic Pelham Road school) was right next to mine... mine being Jennifer's room... I dunno where Jennifer was, epecially seeing how she IS the new 4th grade teacher at Code. I saw a lot of my kids that I had last year... Cheyenne, Kendra, Mikia, Antwan... and even Zana was supposed to be in my class. It felt so good to see them, but all of a sudden something came over me that told me, I really shouldn't have been there... that I REALLY should have been at ENSA... you know, where I was hired? So, I started looking for a way out. I didn't say anything to the kids, I just walked down the hall towards the door. Now, because of the whole no walls thing, the kids could see me walking down the hall towards the door. They were all yelling and asking where I was going. I couldn't dare explain to them what was really going on. So, when I got to the front doors, I wanted so badly to leave, but the kids were still watching me. So I remembered the side doors over past the office by the kindergarten classrooms. I started to walk there when I saw kids and parents waiting outside the front door. This is so vivid to me because this really happens at Code... see the doors are always locked and you have to get buzzed into the school, or someone has to be passing by the door at the right time to see you and let you in. Ironically, the doors are right outside the hallway to the 4th and 5th grade and it is slanted diagonally away. So I knew that if I went to open the far left door, the kids wouldn't see me and I could slip out while I opened the door for the people. So, I did... and I RAN out into the parking lot and skidded down rocks and this huge hill into an empty parking lot to find only my car... only Kyle was like this ugly hybrid of a Jeep Wrangler and a Volvo. He had the body of a Volvo, but the top of him was like a Wrangler with the top off. So I threw my stuff into the Jeep/Volvo and headed for ENSA... which apparently was only 10 minutes away (even though in real life, Code is a good hour away from ENSA). Then it hit me... I had nothing prepared for the first day of school, so even when I got there, my kids would have nothing to do...

...then I woke up.

i love anna manning

Anna said the sweetest thing today. She probably doesn't even realize that what she said would touch me so much, but it definitely has. This is the message she left me today:

but hamilton!!! it's YOUR=the most fabulously amazing person I know's
BIRTHDAY!!! it's time to celebrate!!! (especially since practically everyone's
birthday is in August....there's something about december apparently) and
remember when we were in elementary school and we wished and wished to get the cool teacher...that's sooooo you!!!

That line in bold is what did it for me... I remember SO clearly looking in my yearbook from the previous year on the days before school started PRAYING that I would get the cool teacher. I really really really hope that I will be that teacher.

Thanks, Anna! I love you bunches!

thanks so much, guys!

Thanks so much to:

Jeremy, Erin Dodd, Andrea Pickens, Patrick, Jenee, Bob, Darius, Nick, Greg, Erin Daniel, Chris Mims, Katy Mostertz, Rachel, Aaron, Ashley Pike, Renata, Adena, Chasza, Betsy, Tighe, Laura Foxworth, Omar, Steven, Jeffrey, Amy, Sammie, Jen Antley, Christina, Matt Dabney, Justin Williams, Shavonne, Andrea Robillard, Kristen Rozier, Nicole Buzzell, Tex, Missy, Hoke, Rebecca, Anna, Erin, Shannon, Sarah Poole, Tierra, Kiki, Kate, Kelly Holliday, Mishelle, Cory Smickey, Molly, Emily, Tarik, Beth, and Jason Friday.

You guys are EXCELLENT and so thoughtful to send me birthday wishes today. Even though I'm pretty far away from most of y'all, it really makes me feel pretty close to have been on your minds today. Y'all are some of the most awesome friends ever!

I'm sure I'll write more later... Thanks again, y'all!

sick of my arm

This hole in my arm is really frustrating me. I mean, it really isn't too bad. Frankly, it's not bad at all. It could be SO much worse. And it's not really a hole in my arm. I know just seeing that probably has some of you wondering what the hell is wrong with Hamilton's arm. It's just the site of my operation. It's all stitched up and covered up with a bandage, but it hurts... not tons all the time, but every once in a while, I just want to go piss a rottweiler off so it will bit my whole arm off... sweet relief, huh?

Anyway, this dumb thing has basically had me in the house from Monday until today. I finally left the house, but when I did, my mom was all worried about me the whole time I was gone. I really feel like I can't do anything right now. Whatever happened to me being grown and coming and going when I want... oh wait, that was when I was grown and not handicapped... duh.

Anyway, to top it all off, I'm gonna have this stupid thing bothering me all day on my birthday. Happy friggin' birthday to me.

This is NOT fun. But hopefully you can tell from the voice of this entry that I am more annoyed than angry. It doesn't have me doubled over in pain... it just has me frustrated. Plus I look really stupid when I eat, 'cause I can't bend my right arm, so I either eat clumsily with my left hand or attempt to eat with my right hand by sitting far away from the table. bending my wrist so that my hand points as far towards my face as possible, then push my head out as far as I can to reach the food. Yeah, Patrick laughed at me tonight... and Sammie kept grabbing my arm... and Jess Hall kept feeling my "thrill" (that's the blood rushing through the little tube in my arm that you can actually feel).

I'm an alien freak of nature. Rawr.

funny... yet painful

So surprise... I had surgery today. I had this fistula thing put in my arm.

it's this thing that they put in kidney failure patients that connects an artery
to a vein so in case dialysis is needed, they can filter blood

That's what I told Hoke over AIM just a minute ago. I've been trying to explain it to people, but that is the best I've done since I found out I had to have this thing. This does not mean that I am going on dialysis though. This was a "just-in-case" procedure.

The surgery wasn't bad at all... I was even awake while they proceeded to slice my arm open and dig around in there. Oh yeah, lots of fun. It didn't hurt though... until I got home... and the anesthesia started to wear off. I was lightheaded, nauseous, AND felt like my arm was going to explode. But, the funny part about all of this is that my chondroclamacia in my knees decided to run away... I guess there's only room for so much pain in my body.

Anyway, this makes me stuck here in the house for the next couple days. One sheet I got at dismissal today said I'd be able to drive in 24 hours, which will be at around noon tomorrow... but that mean man that cut my arm open told my mom I shouldn't drive until Thursday! BOO! That sucks, 'cause Jenee's 21st is Wednesday... and besides the fact that it's her birthday, I am having super huge Clemson withdrawl (love you, Jenee... lol).

Whatever... as soon as this pain subsides, I'm going to resume my active almost 22 lifestyle.

Another funny thing about this whole surgery is that from now on, I can't lift really heavy things with my right arm... so, when I move into the townhouse in 25 days, I won't be able to lift anything... oh, the life. LOL.

this won't make any sense

Last night, after going out with my AWESOME friend Steven from EHS, I wrote in my secret blog... so you know if you DON'T know, then it was serious stuff. I only put things I'm incessantly angry or sad about in my secret blog. I have to keep the viewing public thinking that all is well in the Kingdom of Congruence.

Anyway, church today was absolutely incredible. I'm surprised I didn't get emotional at all... usually the week of a big milestone in my life I am usually really humbled at church especially. I get overcome with a lot of emotion when I think about how blessed I am. This week, it's because of my upcoming 22nd birthday. The waterworks didn't come today (omg, you should have seen me when I graduated from high school).

Today, however, from Sunday school, to the message (delivered by the chairman of our deacon board AKA my school principal/boss) was great... and perfect for me.

In Sunday school (I'm in the single's class now... I hated it, but today was great), we talked about envy... and how it is whenever you desire something that you feel is valuable that someone else has that you don't have. We had this 10 question quiz that asked us to mark 1 to 5 about whether we desired things we didn't have or other people had... I swear that I had a 4 or 5 down for just about everything. My score ended up stating: You suffer from envy. I don't deny it. I think I do. I am always looking at someone else thinking, "Wow, I wish I had a relationship like that," or "I wish I looked like that," or "Everyone else has it easier/better than I do."

I need to learn to get over that... with the quickness. If I ever want to be able to enjoy MY life to the fullest, I have to learn to appreciate what I have and learn to wait on those other things that I want or desire.

Then my dad said something really profound... "If you are looking for a man or a woman, you should stop, because what you find might not be what God has intended for you." Ugh... as well as he put it, it is exactly what I hear all the time... and what Erin says all the time: "Once you stop looking, that's when it happens." Yay. Thanks, God, for being like that... I think that bites. So frustrating... but once again, it's what I have to make myself do.

Oh, the eye-openings of attending church...

cold

It describes so much right now. So, so very much.

First of all, it's cold in this house. This house that I am taking up residence in for another 4 weeks. It really isn't that bad here. I can come and go as I want, my parents aren't being unreasonable... in fact, right about now, no one has been here for the past 8 hours... but in all reality, that sucks.

Yeah, I am having withdrawl from people. I wasn going to go to Charleston with Kate and Deni, but I came home because my dad went to the hospital last night. It's ok, he's fine. But a HUGE thanks to Kate and Deni for being so understanding and to Kelly and Robbie for driving me back. Kate truly is my best friend, and Kelly and Robbie are honestly some of the most humble, giving, and compassionate brothers in my fraternity. I am so grateful.

Anyway, I haven't done anything fun AT ALL since I have been back. I am really starting to get depressed. I can feel dementors honing in on this house... "like, I'll never be happy again!" And you know what? I really don't know if I will. I don't know anyone here in this big city besides Kate and Deni. Everyone else is so much older... so much more grown... so much more settled. It doesn't matter that I am a college grad with a house and a job... everyone is still more grown.

How does a person like me, who loves life and loves being active and being around people settle into such a grown up city and develop a grown-up frame of mind. No matter how hard I try, I can't find fun in staying at home by myself watching TV. I just can't. I have to be out... somewhere. Things can't be NORMAL for me. Even in my classroom, things are going to have to be different... against the flow of things. Expect lots of music and dancing and singing... you can't learn, much less LIVE without movement and music.

I just don't get it. Right now, I'm sitting in this cold house with nothing to do... no one really to call on to do anything... nothing to do but write.

...and now I'm done.

Boo for this.

a sonnet of love for jack in the box

Oh, Jack In The Box
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways?

Ultimate Cheeseburger, Jumbo Jack
Who am I kidding?
None of your burgers are whack!

Juicy and plump, hot and so good
It must be a sin
To devour such food!

The fries are so crispy, golden, and brown
Whether curly or straight
They're the best around.

And then there's more, 'cause you know what?
They don't have to advertise
With that Paris Hilton slut!

Just a big headed clown man, with pointy, cute hat
And lips that don't move
You just can't beat that.

So here's to my sweet, love so delicious
With every mouthwatering bite,
You fulfill my tastebud's wishes!

By King Congruence, 08.05.05

chondroclamacia

Fun word, huh? Definitely not a 4th grade word wall word.

I think I have this though. It's apparently a condition where cartilage under the kneecap is weakened due to overexertion. I'll be the first to admit that I am pretty lazy, but recently, I do think that I have been on my feet a lot more.

My knees started hurting on Monday morning... after I moved everything out of my apartment and dorm and back into my parents' house. Also, this was after I spent close to 4 hours on my feet at Ben Folds on Saturday night.

So, my knees hurt... only when walking up and down stairs and slopes though... normally they are okay. But, it just so happens that my classroom is at the top of a huge flight of stairs and the hallway leading to the fourth and fifth grade halls is one huge ramp downward. I really hope this thing gets better.

As for my classroom, it is really coming together. The "Strive for the Highest" theme is SO awesome (I bet KB thought I was kidding when I said I was gonna use it). Everything is stars and planets and not to toot my own horn, but I definitely think it is the best looking classroom on the hall. The only thing that bothers me is the brown D'Nelian handwriting banner that I have across the front of the room. You know me, I did not pick out anything BROWN to put up in my room. One of the other 4th grade teachers gave it to me since she had 2... she DEFINITELY gave me the uglier of the two. But, it was free and I don't have tons of money to spend.

The teacher is the same one that I visited in May after I signed at ENSA. She seems really nice and helpful. She and one other teacher, a male, are returning. There is one other new teacher along with me, although she is not COMPLETELY new to teaching. She seemed nice too. Both very nice, but unfortunately, I don't see us being friends outside of school. I was really looking forward to it. Both the girls are fairly young, this being their 4th year teaching. I feel REALLY young around them though... around everyone. I think I am the youngest person at the school. I am still only 21. On top of that, I'm a male. And there aren't many of us. The guy who is next door (ironic that the only male academic teachers are right next door to each other), is a good bit older, so I dunno how cool he's gonna be. I hear there's a new male art teacher too though, but he's the art teacher... I won't be working with him too much.

Who knows. I am probably counting my eggs before they hatch. I am a little disappointed though, just being thrown from camp where my co-workers were my friends, to ENSA, where my co-workers are just that... co-workers.

Whatev... at least my room is hella tight.

boo on hardee's

Well, I successfully blasted McDonalds a while back, but today, I am going to roast Hardee's.

Boo on you, Hardee's. Not for your food, or for the fact that you are a restaurant with an insane identity crisis (first you were burgers, then you were chicken, then you were breakfast, once again you are burgers), but boo on your marketing schemes. I HATE them.

First of all, it upsets me that the only way you can get people to eat your food is by sex appeal. Put that skamp Paris Hilton on TV in almost nothing eating a burger... ooh yeah... now it looks yummy. Boo on that. Unless you are selling a night with Paris Hilton as a gift with purchase for your overgrown mondo sized heart attack on a bun, then you need to have the normal burger eating man on TV advertising your sandwich: a big fat lard ass 40 something year old sitting in a singlewide on cinder blocks in front of a black and white 16 inch TV sitting on a busted floor model TV in Mountain Rest, SC. Yeah. Boo.

Secondly, why are your burgers so big?! I mean, I guess that is what your big selling point is... big burgers... advertised by big brested hobitches. Yeah. Seriously though... half of your Monster (oh my gawd, I'm so scared!) Thickburger is one person's daily value of calories. You are seriously going to be the death of the redneck population. How do you feel about that?

Thirdly (and the reason why I am writing this tirade), when you get done flashing half nekkid women in your advertisements, the big grande burger plops down in front of the viewer. Yeah, it's what you see on TV. But I was checking my Yahoo! mail, and lo and behold, a Spicy BBQ Thickburger plops down on my computer screen. Just the image of that big heff of a burger plopping on top of my inbox was enough to really set me off.

Oh, Hardee's. Please do better.

But don't get me wrong... you are delicious. LOL.

ben folds and being at home

Well, I am officially out of Clemson. It feels really weird.

Camp is over. I'm out of 101 A. I'm out of Manning Hall. I don't have a residence in Clemson any longer. It really is an insanely weird feeling. I am seriously HOME, you know? I haven't really called my house here in Greer home since high school, but for the next month it is. Thankfully, it is only home for this month, because just for being home these past few hours, I can tell this is going to get very old very fast.

Enough of that... 'cause I don't want to get all emotional about missing Clemson right yet either.

But, BEN FOLDS WAS SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING! I mean seriously. He played so many awesome songs and rocked out just like I expected. He played several songs I didn't know, but of the ones that I did know were "Gone," "Still Fighting It," "Not the Same" (SO AWESOME!), "Brick," "Philosophy," "Army" (and it was f-ing GREAT!), "Rocking the Suburbs," and "One Angry Dwarf and 2000 Solemn Faces." He is so incredibly talented it is unreal. In one song, he was singing, playing the piano, AND playing a maraca all at the same time. UGH! He is so great. Plus, his lyrics are so intense. Yeah, some of them are hella controversial and insanely vulgar, but they are so real... all about life.

This was a great weekend... a great end of college. Moving out of the apartment and the dorm (and I got EVERYTHING out of my dorm in ONE trip... I could ONLY see out of the driver's side window and the driver's side dash... Kyle was SO full)... road tripping to ATL with Karen and Patrick... and now at home...

...home.

sprinklers

I just got back from playing in the sprinklers on the intramural fields. Hoke, Laura, and I were driving to the motorpool to pick up vans (to drive the kids around in because it is way too hot to be walking around outside), when I noticed the sprinklers on. The first thing that came to my mind was running out there in all my clothes in order to cool off. So I suggested it. Laura had this look on her face like, "Hmm, that sure is crazy, but it might be fun." Hoke seemed completely against the whole thing. I really wanted to do it, but I knew that I wasn't going to do it without at least one of them.

So, turns out that we all went out there. Three of us... big rusty college kids, playing in automatic sprinklers in all of our clothes.

It made me think... is it okay for me to still be doing stuff like that? I mean, I am about to be a grown up. I am buying a house. I have a real job. Is it okay for me to still be that crazy and spontaneous? I feel like with growing up, you have to lose that childish side of yourself. I mean, in all seriousness, I don't think that I'm much of an adult... except in years. I still watch Nickelodeon, I don't make my bed everyday, I would much rather be out in the street than sititng at home, the background on my computer is from the forthcoming Harry Potter movie. How many 4th grade teachers are out there that are like me?

I feel like because of my job and new financial responsibilities, a certain amount of sophistication is required. I mean, that's how I FEEL. Does that mean that I am going to change a lot about me? Heck no. As far as I'm concerned, I can be me and be an exciting and effective teacher. Seriously, my spontinaity and active lifestyle should have no bearing on my career. I feel like Kalani is someone who can definitely juggle the awesome responsibility of being a self sufficient educator and an incredibly fun and outgoing young adult. I have always respected that about her and secretly hoped that I could come to that level of sophistication myself. It seems as if it makes her even more sophisticated in a way...

At any rate, playing in the sprinklers was fun... and even if I am not going to dramatically change and become a boring old fart once camp is over, it served as a good "final" act of spontinaity.

disturbed

I was thinking today, that I haven't been writing very frequently. I can't have that. It makes me feel like one of those people who only get online to put up away messages about how perfect or terrible their life is. I'm not gonna be like that, although it prolly seems like that because before the new house thing I was bitching in here quite frequently.

I am disturbed though. I just got done reading Harry Potter 6 and needless to say, I am "crestfallen" like Nick says. I'm not going to go into it though, because I was actually one of the people here at camp who was able to finish the book without getting ANYTHING ruined. It was a difficult task... this is nerd camp and these kids get off on reading 600 page books in a day and broadcasting what happens. What makes them think that that makes them cool?

Anyway, I'm SO ready to be done with camp. This is the last week (thank God), and I am up for doing whatever I please and NOT doing whatever I don't please. I mean, I'm still gonna do enough to get the job done, but I am not going out of my way for anything... I'm out of this joint on Saturday and into my new job on AUGUST 2!!! We have a new employee orientation next Tuesday! I can't believe it.

I am hoping and praying that there will be a lot of COOL new teachers my age right out of college working at ENSA with me. I LOVED Code and I ADORED Mrs. Stephens, but it made me feel so good to have Christy and Jennifer there who were about my age that I could go to for extra support. Besides having people to relate to, hopefully I will make some friends to hang out with when we aren't at school. I talked to Momma Davis the other day and she has really got me excited about teaching and the extracurricular activities of teachers... lol.

Other than that, I am still missing my archies tremendously. I would give anything right now to have Ross knock on my door and say, "Hamilton's a dick." LOL. Oh Lord...

I think I might watch Harry Potter 1... and remember the good ol' days when all Harry had to worry about was Voldemort living in the back of that stuttering fool's head...

the best archies ever

Well, camp might as well be over. It isn't, but it really might as well be. Yesterday, the majority of my campers went home. They had been here for 2 weeks. Ironically, they were archies.

It is pretty common knowledge that I despise architect students to no end. All last summer and the first group this summer, the archies characterized themselves as pompous, arrogant, super stylish, better than everyone gods and goddesses of the teehage world. That's why I hated them so much. Not only did they think they were better than the other kids, but they thought they were better than all the counselors except the one that walked them to class.

Well, the past 2 weeks, I had 8 archie boys on my hall and they were my favorite campers from both this summer and last. The 2 boys Nick had and the girls were good too, but I really really enjoyed my guys.

There was Nate, the Clemson native baller with the incredibly loud music; David from Seneca, the violin and oboe playing Govie with the distinctive voice and popped collars (yes, 2 of them at a time); Kyle the sophisticated Yankee with high expectations of his wife; Alex the quiet and compassionate intellectual that slept like it was his job; Ross the Chucktown skater thug who could dance, freestyle, and improve like it was nobody's business; Tanner from Enoree whose expertise was pissing people off and proving to people that he WASN'T a redneck; Tommy the beast from Irmo who was always useful in causing physical harm to David or Tanner; and Joe Cool from Indianapolis who over the past 2 weeks realized that his Josh Hartnett looks could be of good use.

These guys were awesome. I had so much fun cutting up with them, recording ridiculous dialogue with them on Nate's MP3 player, and watching them terrorize David and Tanner (all in good fun of course).

I still have Brian and Tony left, who have been here the past 2 weeks as well. They are very cool also. But, the 5 others that came last Sunday are just mediocre at best. Will thinks he's too cool, Grayson is bald, Sam is really shy, Tommy is just weird and Blaze...

...his name is Blaze.

They really don't do anything to piss me off, it's just that they have a whole different dynamic than the archies did. Thankfully, they go home in 6 days... and I leave Clemson FOR GOOD.

i don't know why

-Norah Jones

I don't know why the parking nazis have it out for me. I really truly don't. It's like they seriously have a picture of my car on the dash of EVERY parking services vehicle and my license tag number engrained in their memories. My car is ALWAYS the one to get ticketed. I know that half the time, I am in the wrong and I shouldn't be where I am for as long as I am, but THE SAME SHOULD GO FOR EVERYONE ON CAMPUS.

Right now, Nick's car, Aurora, has been in its spot for at LEAST an hour. There is a desk assistant, Jake, whose car has been in its spot since this morning. It's 2:20 pm. What the HELL is up with that? Why are their cars safe and mine isn't?

Forget that... last week, it wasn't even MY car that was ticketed. When I had the Rottweiler up here, IT got a ticket. Those stupid parking whores just know vehicles that I drive and seek them out to ticket them. I hate them SO much.

...just another reason why I can't wait to get out of Clemson... just 9 more days!

Oh, and closing on the townhouse has been moved up to September 2nd in order to secure a lower interest rate. w00t for that.

the great compromise

Well, I am glad to report that I did not experiment with any handguns over the weekend. It got close for a minute... It really was one of the most frustrating weekends of my life... to have to stand up against my parents for something that I wanted and was fully entitled to, even though it was disappointing to them.

I had said that my parents were impossible. That is the furthest thing from the truth ever. I seriously take back everything that I said about them. In all reality, I am the impossible one. I just don't like talking to my parents... not because I don't like them, but I don't express myself well in speech. If you let me write something down, I can do a pretty good job of expressing my feelings. I never gave them the opportunity to sit down and talk to me about my living situation. I was under the impression that they were going to bring me back into the house and treat me the way that I was treated in high school. That just isn't acceptable. Ironically, even they felt that way.

So, I will not be moving into an apartment with Kate.

I came to this conclusion after about a 2 hour discussion with both of my parents. It got a little hot at moments, but in the end, I realized why they didn't want me to rent and that they didn't want to control my life.

The funny thing is, they let me sit there and argue with them for 2 hours, just so they could pull out a new home brochure to show me some townhomes they thought I would like. The thing had been sitting on the table the whole time, but I didn't pay it any attention. My parents said that the night before while they were preparing for our little discussion, they passed by and thought they would be perfect for me. Ironically, the townhomes had caught my eye before, but I had NO intention of buying a place at all. My parents on the other hand did...

So, the great compromise was for me to buy a townhome at The Reserve at Riverside. The mortgage for the townhome would be the same as total rent at an apartment, so I could buy the place and Kate could rent from me. It sounded good... a little too good to be true. But in all reality, it wasn't.

We went to the townhomes, about 3 miles away from my parents' house, and toured 3 different models. The third, the Summerton was the one that I liked the most. It just so happened that the last townhome on the right in the front of the development was a Summerton and was available. The house was perfect: brick front, upgraded cabinetry, molding, appliances, and carpet. Plus, since it was on the end of the unit, it had side windows, which aren't standard.

My parents asked if I liked it.

I said yes.

I bought the house... put the sold sign out in front of it and everything.

Yeah... seriously. It required only a credit check and a very small downpayment. Surprisingly, even though I have no credit cards, I have exceptional credit... apparently my parents put my name on one of their cards but never let me use it. They used it and kept payments up to date. So, I was cleared to purchase the place.

So, I am scheduled to close on MY townhome, 29 Stratus Court, on September 10... the day after I get my first paycheck.

...damn, it feels good to be a homeowner.

complaining

I hate my life.

But before I delve into that, before you scowl and say, "Hamilton has nothing to worry about," you don't know me. Maybe you know me, but you don't know me as much as I do. EVERYONE has their own issues, and no one person's situation is any worse than another. People are individuals and the ONLY person that knows EVERYTHING about a person is that person. My issues are big for me, just like Sharonaqueeshakaneleka's problems are big for her. So don't make light of anyone's situation... and don't claim to know anything about anyone. You don't know anyone but yourself (and just in case anyone is wondering, this is not directed to any one person... this is a blanket statement to the entire internet community).

My parents are impossible. Point blank. I don't want to go into that any further.

My kidneys don't work. I don't talk about this much in here, just because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. And it is WAY more serious than anyone knows or claims to know, so how's that for thinking you know me?

"I don't believe in love so I can't be saved..." -Ben Folds Five
(Not really a big issue as of late, but it's still worth hating my life for)

That's about it. And ironically, I'm not in a terrible mood. I've just been carrying on like things are normal. I'm not mad or sad... just tickled at how f-ed up my situation is. Don't get me wrong... I am really thankful for the things in my life that ARE going right. They are the few things that can make me smile in the midst of my crazy parents, revolting kidneys, and unbelief of love.

When my mom was talking to me this morning (or shall I say barking), I really thought about how easy it would be to put a gun in my mouth... not kidding... It would make things so much easier. I'm not going to of course... first of all, I don't know where I would get a gun, and secondly, I would be too scared that I would miss and mess things up even more.

Whatever.

hot mama

I wish that this post could be about the wonderful and beautiful Laura Davis, but alas, it can't. It's about MY mom... and as wonderful and as beautiful as she is, that isn't what this is about either.

My mom was HOT yesterday when I told her about my plans not to move back home. Yes... hot as in upset. I want to make it plain and clear that she is not upset because she wants me home... or at least that's what she said. Honestly, I believe her. I believe that she doesn't want me home so she can rule my life, although, knowing my mother and the stipulations that would be put on me by moving home, I can't help but think that a little part of her does want me home for that reason. Anyway, she says that I will be making "the biggest mistake of my life." She is SO against renting it isn't even funny. And I mean, I understand that it isn't what she wants me to do, but I really don't see why she is getting so upset about it. People do things that other people don't agree with all the time... and it's not like I'm breaking the law or doing anything unmoral. Wait... I'm getting ahead of myself...

So, she kept going to say that she knows that it isn't a wise idea and that she has no clue how to make me see that I shouldn't do it (frankly because I think there isn't any terrible reason in the first place). She kept saying that I would never get a running start if I rented and that living at home would allow me to save money in order to buy something of my own later... and so on and so on... and I got this from my aunt, her sister about 5 minutes after I got it from her.

Okay, so now I'm ready to reason ('cause my parents say that I reason too much) about why I think this isn't such a bad idea. First of all... like I said earlier, I'm not doing anything wrong. By renting an apartment, I am doing what millions of people do. I mean, if it wasn't an okay thing, why would there be SO many apartments? And even if millions of people do it and it is "wrong", it isn't wrong in the eyes of the law or God... so, frankly, that should be the end of the conversation... but it's not.

Secondly, I don't want to live at home. It's that simple. I am almost 22... I have a college degree and a job. Why do I need to be under the watchful eye of my parents anymore? For this reason alone, I am okay with doing this, which they don't agree with. It's time that I made some decisions for myself. As Ben Folds says, "Don't Change Your Plans For Anyone."

Thirdly, the apartment is really not going to be that expensive... I haven't posted anything about this because I've been collecting my thoughts and thinking to myself about it since the proposal came up on Sunday night... Kate decided NOT to go to Memphis, but instead move to Greenville to work and go to school part time. So, she asked me if I would live with her. I thought about it at first, and about what my parents would say... and then I thought about it... Kate needs a roommate. I REALLY can't afford an apartment by myself. I don't want to live at home. Kate's my best friend. I knew it would be a good situation. So, for the past few days, my away message has been the words from the theme to the early 90's show Perfect Strangers:

Sometimes the world looks perfect
Nothing can be arranged
Sometimes you just get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time
Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart
And a long lost friend
Gives every dark street
A light at the end

Standing tall
On the wings of my dream
Rise and fall
On the wings of my dream

Through rain and thunder
Wind and haze
I'm bound for better days

It's my life
It's my dream
Nothing's gonna stop me now

Anyway, like I said, it's not going to be expensive at all. We went and looked at apartments yesterday. The one that we really liked was Brighton Park. They are really nice apartments in a great location and they are SO affordable... on top of that, because I am employed by the Greenville County School District, I get perks. It honestly is a very good situation... but there is NO way that I can convey that to my parents. I have pretty much decided that this is the first time that I am going to have to go my own direction. I really hate to disappoint them, but I really can't see anything wrong with what I'm doing. And seriously, I REALLY don't want them to be mad at me forever. This is the type of thing that could set them off for an eternity. Ugh.

Basically, I want to be a grown up... I don't want to throw my family away. I worked for 4 years to be at a place where I could support myself and carry on as a responsible adult. Plenty of responsible adults don't live with parents. Plenty of responsible adults rent. They had 22 years... I think they did a good job. It's time to give me a shot.

"time to say goodbye"

It was the moving song sung by Miss South Carolina 2005, Erika Powell, and ironically a fitting title for this time in my life.

Obviously, as you can tell from the first sentence, Kate did not win Miss South Carolina. However, she represented Clemson and all of us who believe in her platform extremely well. I wouldn't have had another Miss Clemson up there at all. The girl that did win, Erika Powell, is a very pretty, very talented girl as well. I think she will represent the state well at Miss America.

Now that Kate isn't continuing in pageants, she has decided to go to The University of Memphis for grad school. Yeah... talk about "time to say goodbye." I can't believe that she is leaving... and that we won't be close to each other any more. The past 3 years, I have spent so much with her and we have truly become best friends... the kind of friends that never get upset with one another... the kind of friends that have opposing views on things but still find a way to compromise... the kind of friends that will stick up for one another no matter what anyone says or does... She is just so awesome and I love her so much and I am so thankful for the friendship that we have. It's hard to even imagine what things are going to be like without having her around. Ugh...

On top of that, yesterday, I had to say goodbye to Kalani. She and Jesse left last night for Orlando where she is going to be teaching. Yesterday we went and had a last meal together and it was almost surreal. It was like I knew later this week we would be getting together to go to Monterrey's or going downtown or something.

It's all so surreal that I can't really even discuss it. These people that I have grown to love... it's not just that I'm leaving Clemson... but they are too... we are going our separate ways. The majority of my friends will still be here next year, but there are so many who did graduate that are starting new chapters in their lives and are just going all over the place. It's so weird.

Am I really not going to have any friends? There really aren't many people in Greenville... hardly anyone from high school... and even if there are, I've been away from them so long, we're practically different people. I know Deni is going to be there... at least until the end of the year... and Jess Hall is there (thank God), but other than that, there really isn't going to be anyone. And yes, Clemson is just up the road, but honestly, I DO want to move on. I just don't want to be "that guy" that still hangs around everyone that's still in school...

I dunno... this just sucks.

"Time to say goodbye." Oh Erika Powell, how you do what you do...

kyle v. the rottweiler

After a very nice, relaxing week at home, I am back in Clemson... the land of my own computer and intenet that doesn't shut off every time the wind blows.

There is one thing that is with me that normally isn't, and one thing that isn't with me that normally is. Kyle is out of commission this week, and at my disposal is my brother's Volvo, The Rottweiler.

I named his car The Rottweiler because it is black with tan interior, which are the colors of a rottweiler... not to mention my complete disdain for the dog and how much I don't like the fact that my brother idolizes his car to the point that he would rather wash his car than do something productive or enlightening... and then he will talk trash about my baby, Kyle.

Now Kyle doesn't look as good as The Rottweiler... I got Kyle a good 2 or 3 years before The Rottweiler came into the picture. Needless to say, it is more worn... and besides, my car goes up and down 123 numerous times a month, while The Rottweiler does good to drive past Furman to church once a week. And even while Kyle is not as shiny or intact as The Rottweiler, he runs fine. But...

...all this is going to change this week. The reason I have The Rottweiler is because Kyle is at the body shop gettin' all done up. Right before graudation, the drivers side door started being really difficult to close... like it wouldn't catch into the door frame. So, I told my dad about it, and we took it to the body shop yesterday. Not only is Kyle's door going to get fixed, but we are (finally) fixing the front driver's side headlight where my neighbor backed into my car, the back driver's side door where I scraped up against the ATM pole (ugh, Clay Aiken), and my dad is getting Kyle painted for my birthday! Yes... Kyle is going to be the "spawkwing diamond" in our driveway before too long.

So, I just had to write about that... and how much I miss Kyle... but just like I had to let go of Kate this week so she can shine at the Miss South Carolina pageant, I have to let him go so he can come back as the way cooler and more awesomer big brother to The Rottweiler (I know "awesomer" is not a word, but I used it... get off my nuts).

Speaking of Kate, tonight is the last night... where they announce the top 10 first thing and then they continue with the rest of the pageant, leading up to the crown at the end!!! I'm such a big pageant DORK now!!! GO MISS CLEMSON!

thoughts after the 3rd night of preliminaries

1. Miss Low State, Casey Armstrong, wore a dookieblue dress. I'm not even playing.

2. Miss Southern, Natoya Dingle, sang that song like it was nobody's business, but...

3. Miss Golden Corner, Erika Powell, is a dangerous girl. She won talent... and swimsuit last night.

4. That's okay because Miss Clemson, Kate Moon, is awesome and she was BANGIN' in her orange evening gown.

5. But really, who told Casey Armstrong that that brown and blue dress was going to be appropriate? I'm stripping her of her tragic title of Miss Low State and renaming her Miss Mauldin Hall, 'cause she definitely matched the dookieblue walls.

my top 10

(in random order)

Miss Greenville - Anna Rebecca Hanks* (3rd Runner Up)
Miss Golden Corner - Erika Grace Powell* (Miss South Carolina)
Miss Clemson - Kate Moon

Miss Marion County - Maegan Nicole Rogers

Miss Lancaster - Linh Lee
Miss Spartanburg - Laura Katherine Stamm
Miss Travelers Rest - Amber Finley* (4th Runner Up)
Miss Liberty - Potitsa Niki Chavis
Miss Greater Irmo - Lauren Elizabeth Vick* (2nd Runner Up)
Miss Greater Greer - Nicole Elizabeth Southgate* (1st Runner Up)

(July 7)

The ones I got right are in bold.
Asteriks indicate top 5, followed by final rank.

productive

Okay, so blogger posts things most recent first... so, this entry comes at 4:32... AFTER the Missy & Hoke entry. I just wanted to say that I HAVE been productive today!

Don't ask why, but I baked a macaroni and cheese dish today. There were cheese, butter, eggs, milk, and noodles just sitting around... and I was just sitting around... so the 6 of us got together and made something delicious. Well, I really don't know if it is delicious or not yet, but it looks good.

I know you want some... too bad.

missy & hoke

...OKAY, BITCHES! THIS IS ME CALLING YOU TWO OUT!

LOL... SO seriously just kidding. I basically just want to say how much fun I had with them last night. Between making comments about the Miss SC contestants, driving around sleepy Boiling Springs, and talking about the dos and don'ts of blogging, I had a really good time. And I know they are going to read this (just like I know triangle head girl is prolly reading this too), especially after our discussion last night... but I have to say, Hoke, I thought you were going to write last night?! What happened? Well, I guess you got home pretty late, so I'll forgive you. But, if you don't at least make a decent effort to update frewuently, I'm going to have to leave you dirty messages on your chatterbox... Don't play...

Anyway, as for the first night of preliminaries, Kate was stellar as ever. She didn't win swimsuit, but she was definitely one of the better ones. Miss Spartanburg tore it up in talent...w00t for instrumentalists. Miss Lancaster looked elegant in her casual wear... but I don't think that is the purpose of CASUAL wear... lol... and plus, she almost fell down the stairs in her evening gown--the SAME evening gown she wore at the Miss Charleston pageant... boo fo' dat.

Anyways, I'm gonna go... this being at home on break thing is making me feel very lazy. I'm going to attempt to do something productive... or not.

damn, it feels good to be a redneck

Okay... short post...

Last night, my aunt, brother, cousin, and I went downtown to County Square to watch the fireworks display. I was completely unaware of how big of a deal it was going to be. Let's just say I had to be real friendly and get very acquainted with all of my Greenville County neighbors. It was SO packed. The exciting thing about it, was that it was nothing short of pure patriotism... Americans of all races, religions and creeds were out there in that parking lot to enjoy "the rocket's red glare" and "bombs bursting in air." It was great.

Well, apparently, when my family went last summer, my brother apparently "started" the "slow clap" at the end of the fireworks. So, his goal was to start it again.

As everyone was sitting in the back of my aunt's Montero and I in the folding chair, people behind us started whooping and hollering. At first, I turned my nose up at their rednecky display... mainly just because the fireworks weren't close to being over and the fireworks hadn't gotten extremely spectacular. Donovan (my bro) started getting very annoyed with our redneck friends and started telling them to hush--only it didn't make a difference because the combination of whooping and hollering and the banging of the fireworks muffled him out pretty well. When the fireworks started coming one on top of the other in quick succession, the rednecks got even louder... and my nose came back down... my lip curled into a grin... I slowly turned around to look at them... my grin turned into a big ol' western Greenville County snaggle toothed cheese... and I opened my mouth and joined in with the redneck ramblin'! I started whooping and hollering too! My brother was VERY disappointed, needless to say. But if that wasn't it, my big ol' rusty aunt (with her fingers in her ears to quell the loudness of the fireworks) started doing it too! Donovan was furious. But it was SO funny!

Ugh! If felt so good to be a redneck! I mean, I thought that being Pickens County was sketchy, but being Western Greenville County... that is some fun for serious!

WOOOOO HOOOOO!

the parentals

So as I was riding back home from watching the fireworks tonight, my parents called my aunt to check up and see how things were back here. Apparently, they enjoyed their Independence Day at a Chinese restaurant.

This isn't what I was going to talk about though. I am going to address the fact that my parents are on a vacation--just the two of them together. It's a little weird to me, because when I started to think about it, I don't have one person that I could go on a vacation with and enjoy it.

But now, I am beginning to think that I wouldn't even enjoy a vacation with only one other person. Of course right now, I don't have one person to go on a vacation with, but if I did, would I enjoy it? Even with my closest friends, I have problems with keeping up conversation when it is just the 2 of us. Seriously, from Kate who I love so dearly, to Jenee who I can crack up with constantly, is there one person that I could spend a whole week with away from everyone else and actually have an extremely enjoyable time?

And the fact that I don't even have a FRIEND that I think I can do this with... is THAT why I am still alone like this? 'Cause I have the inner need to be among a lot of people and I am not suited for intimate time with just one other person?

And even if that isn't the case, I just came to the realization that I am for serious boogee. I am probably not one to talk about being picky when it comes to dating, but honestly, I can't help but turn my nose up at some of the tragedy I see. I know I am always saying "beggars can't be choosers," but that pretty much comes down to quitting your job when you don't have qualifications for doing something else, or turning down something when you have nothing. But in my case, I think I am okay to think the way that I do... It's not like I am rejecting people left and right... seriously, no one has approached me! But today, I was thinking about people that I wouldn't even approach. I mean, even tragic ol' me has to have some standards. Just because I haven't had the best luck with relationships doesn't mean that I am going to settle for anything. I'm gonna need someone with goals, at least some college (preferably a degree if they are no longer matriculating), a job that makes as much or more than me (that isn't asking too much, I'm a teacher), and a cell phone (gotta be able to keep in touch). That's not asking a whole lot. Seriously, I'm tired of high school grad 24 year olds who work in the mall walking around like they are the ish because they are hot and they have a hot significant other. Frankly, what is behind that pretty face is a brain full of nothing but "how to punch in numbers in the cash register." That ain't cute... even to lonely old me.

I'll just remain on my own, I suppose... I can't see myself taking a long vacation alone with just one person anyway...

mcdonalds can suck my nuts

First of all, I shouldn't have been eating McDonalds today anyway... but I was, so you're just going to have to get over that. I'm at home in Greer and as usual, there is nothing in the house. My mom said that she took my brother shopping on Saturday before she left, but somehow, none of the food he got is worthy of me diegesting... that and he ate a box and a half of cereal yesterday (I'm not kidding).

So I go to McDonalds. I have always thought highly of this McDonalds, simply because of its location: it is on the Eastside. Not to be to boogee, but this is thought of as the nicer side of town. As of late, I beg to differ (too many people around here with window air conditioning units in the FRONT of the house). Besdies, with it being on the Eastside, I imagined that the people who worked there were Eastsiders themselves... more than likely, Eastside students out for the summer.

Well, I pull up to the drive through and sit there for a good 5 minutes. No one helped me. I was so pissed off, not just because I wasn't being served, but because there was a line forming behind me and I was the one that was going to look like a fool. So, I pulled up to the 1st window... no one there. At the 2nd window is a car and in the window is the most uncouth, tragic, hot ghetto mess of a girl, standing there with her mouth open. She wasn't really being of any use to anyone... her mouth was just hanging there open. It was an open invitation for me to hock a lugey into it.

Well, I drove back around and they were actually helping the car at the drive thru. So, I waited my turn, only to hear "Would you like to try a value meal?" when I pulled up. There was no "Thank you for choosing McDonalds" or "Welcome to McDonalds." I was utterly disappointed. I made my order, pulled up to pay at the first window, and then braced myself for coming face to face with the waste of a girl that was going to be assisting me at the 2nd window. I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse, but when I got there, she said nothing. She just chucked the bag out to me and shut the window. No "Thank you" or "Do you need any ketchup?"

Boo for that. McDonalds, I am NOT lovin' it.

i hate you so much right now

-Kelis

I do. I hate you. There is no other word for it. Even though I was taught that you aren't supposed to hate anyone, I hate you. For your pride and arrogance... the way you stroll around pissing people off with everything you do. Even when one would think that you are helping people or being of service, you are still being rude... it's written all over your face. You get off on being such a douchebag too... you never show any remorse. You just move on to the next person and piss them off as well.

And you know what? For being as arrogant and and prideful as you are, you aren't extremely talented or anything. Anyone can do the BS that you do. It's not like it takes a lot of effort to just go around and piss people off. You obviously don't need a college degree for that. You probably don't even need a high school diploma for that.

How's that make you feel? Worthless? I wish it did, but honestly, around here you are pretty invaluable. Somehow, the crap that you do day in and day out is beneficial to someone. I inquired about it once and wasn't really sold on how the disgusting fruits of your labor do anyone any good. So, for all I care, you are worthless. You are nothing more than a lazy sack of unintelligent crap that does nothing but pridefully float around causing anguish and distress while the rest of us around here try to do something with our lives.

I hate you, you damn Parking Nazi you...

ENSA

This is where I will be teaching next year... room 249, to be exact... I went and saw my room and got my teacher's editions today.

This is East North Street Academy of Mathematics and Science...

This is my school...

...I know you're jealous.

remixes

It's time to be a little intellectual...

You ever think about remixes? You know, like when you hear them on the radio, or if you are in a dance club and one comes on? They are so much more interesting than the original song. That doesn't necessarily mean that they are better or worse... for me however, I think they are better.

Forget the fact that I like to dance and that a remix contains elements that enhance the song's "dancitude," but just think about how it effects you as a listener...

For example, today, I was downtown with Katy at Blackdog and had NO intention of buying anything (now that I am making money, I REALLY don't like spending it, plus I just bought some new flip flops yesterday--with the new debit card!), but I saw a really cheap The Postal Service CD. The Postal Service as in the ones who do Such Great Heights. I actually saw that single for sale, but as much as I like it, it reminds me a lot of something I don't particularly want to be reminded about, plus I have recently started appreciating another one of their songs, The District Sleeps Alone. So, I bought that single... It contains the original, a remix, a remix of Such Great Heights, and another song, Suddenly Everything Has Changed.

I popped it in when I got back to the dorm and I was just kinda lost in the beats of the remix. I didn't even have the urge to dance... It's weird. Like seriously, a remix can completely change the mood of a song. Well, I have no clue what The District Sleeps Alone is supposed to be about, but I tried to take a crack at it (like I did with Such Great Heights) and I couldn't. I honestly got lost in the music.

I am one of those people who listens to songs and appreciates them for the meaning of their lyrics... a song doesn't necessarily have to be pleasing to the ear for me to like it... if they lyrics are good, then the song is worth me listening to it. However, this music... it just makes me want to forget about the words and dwell on the sounds filling the air... AND WHAT A SMORGASBOARD OF SOUNDS (omg, that was so lame)! There's the bass (gotta love the bass... I'm a tuba player), the random high pitched sounds in the back ground, the voice of the person singing, and all that other electronic sounding stuff that alone is so ridiculous, but when you put it together, it's so complex and intricate... everything fits together so well.

So, this remix phenomena is SO great that it allowed me to stomach the remix of Such Great Heights. I really don't enjoy it as much as I used to... so unfortunate. As I said above, it really changes the mood of a song. Instead of me picturing myself waving from such great heights with a particular someone, I just picture myself giving the bird from such great heights... no, I'm just kidding. But I really don't think of that anymore. I kind of see it as a "this is what perfection is like" type thing instead of "this is what is GOING to be" type thing.

And like I said, besides this change of mood, there's just a whole plethora of sounds that come together to create an intense listening experience. Honestly, it makes me think of the Strongbad e-mail where he is talking about techno. Only, this entry was not supposed to be about techno... it's just ironc that a lot of remixes end up being techno.

Seriously though... a remix... think about it... How about doing a remix of your life? Adding a little extra umph and a few obligatory surprises here and there? Things get so boring and monotonous sometimes... a remix is needed to liven things up... and not only will it make life a little more enjoyable, but like I lose significance of lyrics, maybe as a person, you would lose the significance of those small things in life that bother you so. Seriously. A remix. What a novel idea. And like I said... it doesn't have to be "techno" per say... you don't have to go crazy and do off the wall stuff... just things that aren't necessarily normal.

It really makes sense if you think about it. Then again, I am a weirdo... and people who listen to the likes of remixes are crazy-go-nuts party types who probably need to calm down a little instead of wile out and do something remix-like.

Yeah... so that's it... try a remix, if you're lame, and if you are a spazz like me, simmer a little.

...remixes are great to listen to while you simmer, by the way...

gone bad

It normally takes 2 days for a group of campers to go bad. This week... this week of about 115 campers, it only took 24 hours.

I was going to write about how excited I was to find out that 3 kids that I was a counselor for in years past are here this week. Eeshuar and Daniel were at Y camp with me the summer of 2001. Then Manny was at 4H camp two years in a row when I was there. I was excited to see them... by them remembering me, it showed me that I played a memorable part in their life, and the fact that they are at THIS particular camp shows me that they are achieving in school and are doing well.

Well, that's how I felt yesterday. Today, I'm ready to go tranquicidal on some of these kids. In only 24 hours, I have gone from heralding the arrival of my 21 bundles of joy to loathing the fact that there are 21 stank, rank, rude, crude, and socially unacceptable fitches on my hall. Now don't get me wrong... not all 21 are annoying. But collectively, they make me want to throw babies up against brick walls.

It's all good though, because next week is our week off. I have never been more excited to go home. I'm gonna have the house to myself... just me and my brother. Now that he is about to be 17, he's actually pretty decent to be around. Unfortunately, he is gonna really be in the dumps because his girlfriend is in Inda for the next few weeks. If he decides to be lame, I'll just finish cleaning out my room to make way for my sleigh bed and my epic return home at the end of July. I really can't believe I am about to do it, but you know, I'm convinced things will work out well.

That's about it... I didn't have anything of too much importance to write about. There are SOME things that I am not writing about anymore... They don't have time for me, so I don't have time for them.

::raspberry::

victims

Kim and I are victims... victims of individuals who don't return the feelings that we so freely and willingly give to them. We're good people... we are looking for someone to appreciate and care for... and we are really willing to love... but, we are victims... to those people who can get just about anyone, and say jut about anything with no regard to another person's true feelings. "I like you" to them is just an everyday occurrence. To a victim, it's like manna from heaven... it doesn't come often, but when it does, it is such a heralded event.

It was so good to talk to Kim tonight... I ABSOLUTELY HATE the fact that Kim shares some of the same feelings I have. She is such an incredible person... just as sweet and intelligent as she is beautiful. It is just scary how the two of us see eye to eye about these people who just treat us like shit.

No one would EVER be treated like that by me. I would honestly NEVER make anyone a victim. I promise from this very day, that I will never do such a thing... I mean, come on... it's quite clear to see that I would never do that, just from the things that I say in here...

...besides, doesn't really look like there's anyone interested in me who I could potentially make a victim.

*22*

This post is dedicated to Missy and Hoke on their 22 month anniversary: Make sure that you continue to cherish and love one another... there are so many people searching for love, so be thankful for what you have. Here's to many more months!

Nothing really to report on my own love life... Believe it or not, there is so much other stuff going on that I don't have time to think about it too much. Now, I did call K the other day... so that has reared it's ugly head again... but it was my own fault... I'm not expecting anything, just basically trying to accept things as they are... you know. Anything else that comes from any further correspondence is no one's fault but my own... I understand that.

On top of things being my responsibility, I got a checking account the other day. Before you go saying, "Big f-ing deal," it IS a big deal for me. See, my parents have sheltered me from economic freedom for so long, that now that I am about to be 22 and have my own income, I am just NOW getting all this stuff. I had a savings account, but I was that loser guy who always carried around cash and an ATM card that could ONLY be used at the ATM. Not anymore, heezas! I got me a checkbook... and because I am a South Carolina teacher, I got my first book of checks for free! w00t for benefits!

Anyway, even though 22 is the title of this entry... 30, 115, and 50 are other numbers of significance as of late. There are only 30 campers here this week... it's heaven. I have 2 on my hall. Next week... 115. I will have 20 campers on my hall ALONE. On the entire 2nd floor there will be 40... more than how many we have TOTAL this week. UGH. As for the 50, if Jenee and I can get 50 hits in a day for our SuburbanDictionary, we are going to get t-shirts. I'm so excited.

Anyway, I suppose that is all. This has been fun. I'm going to go be bored since there are hardly any campers running around...

the true king congruence

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you.

With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.

You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Who's the True You?

still th'u

Um, so I'm happier than I was last night. I think the main reason I was upset was because it was the one night I had free... and there was NOTHING to do. Boo.

Don't get me wrong though... I'm still very th'u with several people. However, one of which is not my dad. I have been playing phone tag trying to get him all day. It has sucked not being able to see him on Father's Day... and what's even worse is that he flew out to Houston today. Luckily, I just got off the phone with him... That phone call solidified a lot of things for me. First of all... I will not be going on vacation with the fam the week of July 4th. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm trying to avoid my family, it's just that is the week that Kate is supposed to beat the snot out of the other heezas in the Miss South Carolina pageant. So w00t for that. On top of that, my parents will be gone until Thursday, leaving the house solely to me... again I say... w00t. Finally, one of the rooms in that house, is currently going through major renovation... Yes folks, my bedroom is being transformed from the middle school black and white Looney Toons hot mess that it is, to a more professional looking adult's quarters...

I'm moving home.

I mean, even if I don't stay for long, I am at least moving home for as long as I can take it. My dad bought me a bedroom suit (WITH A QUEEN SIZED SLEIGH BED)! I didn't even ask him for it... I really wanted a rice bed, but sleigh beds are nice too... AND IT'S A QUEEN! w00t! He told me that the week I am home for the 4th, I need to gut out the room and prepare it for paint. I was thinking dark blue, but my brother's room is blue and they don't want two blue rooms, so now I'm thinking charcoal... I want something dark and grown up. Yes... charcoal or slate sounds good.

So yes, things are looking up as of right now... despite the fact that there are people I'm looking down at on my shit list.

I haven't talked about K in a long time... I guess it's kinda because we haven't been talking much as of late. I'm not about to start discussing K right now either... I'm not going to talk about K anymore. I'm just not.

In fact, I'm not going to talk about any potential love interests in here anymore... like until I'm married at least. I fall too hard. It's not good. I'm a hopeless romantic and I take any little bit of attention and blow it out of proportion. If you take a look back at all the former love interests, how many ever blossomed into anything? Zilch. So, I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm th'u with that as well.

...and once again, this is me giving a lot of people the finger (definitely not my dad or the lovely Miss City of Clemson 2005, Kate Moon).

th'u

Th'u is defined here.

I am th'u on so many levels.

I shan't name them all.

Just know that I am th'u. And in being th'u, there is nothing to talk about. Just understand that I am th'u...

...and this is me giving a lot of people the finger.

my stomach hurts

Ugh. This is becoming a fairly normal occurence. I don't know what it is... whether it was the hot wings I had for dinner, or the germs being spread around from the children.

There is a possibility that it was because I was laughing SO incredibly hard tonight. I mean, I cannot truly convey to you the hilariousness of this evening's events. Just thinking about it right now is making me laugh. Sadly, I think that even with my great talent of storytelling, I won't do it justice. I'll try anyway.

So we went to Fike tonight so the kids could swim. I sat up top with Missy and some of the other campers... more specifically, Elizabeth, Dominique, and Krystal. We watched and made comments as people jumped into the water from the diving boards. We also cringed when people did less than safe looking dives. Well, after we had been sitting there for a good little while, another girl named Elizabeth proceeded to crest the high board closest to where we were sitting. She had been swimming, but I think only in the lanes. I think all of us were a little taken aback, just because most of the divers/jumpers had been doing it the whole time, and to see this random girl come from the shallow water over to the deep end to do a dive so late seemed a little fishy. Also, it just didn't seem like something that she would do. Well, she walked out on the board and did some sort of gesture with her index finger and her face. We all sat there confused and watched in awe at what was going to happen...

And then, she began her decent, only it was the most awkward and absurd looking FALL I have ever seen attempted on a diving board. She looked as if she was attempting to do some sort of flip, but then decided to go straight, but it was too late. It ended up looking as if she was doing a cartwheel in the air, but she landed DIRECTLY on her side. I mean, it looked as if she was like a little rag doll (or dummy like Dominique said). She fell lifelessly into the water, but the way the dive finished was SO INCREDIBLY FUNNY! I mean, it was seriously like she just hit the water in the most ridiculous pose. I SO WISH I had a video to show you readers because it had Elizabeth, Dominique, Krystal and I in TEARS. It was SO FUNNY.

Well, that wasn't it. After she emerged from the water (met by the lifeguard who was checking her vitals), she climbed up to the top of the thing again! This time, she walked to the tip of the board and TURNED AROUND... the girl was BACKWARDS. At the sight of this, all of us began laughing hysterically. Needless to say, this backwards dive was less than successful. She fell into the water (notice I said, FELL, not dived) face and chest first... it was like a face flop. I mean, there was a smack--and it was her face and chest hitting the water, followed by her flailing arms and legs. Once again, we proceeded to double over in laughter and pain. Tears were screaming down my face, my stomach muscles tightened, and I began to ROLL on my side. The girls around me hobbled over in laughter as well. Elizabeth fell over onto her side, Dominique covered her face and clenched my arm in unbelief, and Krystal sprawled out on the bench in front of us shrieking in pain.

And I'm not going to say much more about it, just because I TRULY cannot convey to you how incredibly funny this was. AND IT SUCKS, 'cause it was SO funny. GAWD... I cannot explain to you how funny it was. It was honestly one of the funnier moments of my life.

Okay... reliving that has made my stomach feel better. GOD, IT WAS SO FUNNY!!!

i can't do it

As each day goes by, I get more and more opposed to moving back home. It is like a cancer that eats away at my mind. Each day that I think about it, I start hating the idea even more... I begin to see more and more terrible things coming from staying at that house. I mean, it just doesn't seem to make sense. It just seems like the most worst thing that I could ever do EVER. I think that it is going to be death to SO many things about me.

I have become a person within these past 4 years of being in college. That person is NOT the person that lived in my house 4 years ago. So many things about me have changed... the most obvious one, my education and my age. Obviously, after attending school and living on my own for 4 years, I have proven that I can to things on my own.

Then again, however, there are certain things that I can't do... not because I CAN'T do them, but just because the iron fist of my parents has hindered me from doing it. I don't know the first thing about a credit card. Nor do I know anything about a checking account. Money has never really been something that I have had full control over. Strange though, seeing how I do have a job and most certainly will be making bank in less than 3 months. Things like this make me not want to move home... along with the fact that I am going to have to answer to my parents. I am going to have to do work around the house. I am going to have to so what they want when they want it. I am going to have to come in at a decent hour. These are things I really haven't had to do in 4 years. On top of that, my parents are really strict. And it seems as if I raise an eyebrow the wrong way and I'm in trouble.

Why would a 22 year old with a job want to come home to that everyday. I am completely capable of living on my own. I could see if these past 4 years I have botched everything up. If I failed school, got arrested, fathered a child, killed somone, got addicted to drugs. Any one of those would have been a red flag for, "He needs to be under our supervision more." But, I graduated with a good GPA, have a clean record, have no children, have never committed homicide, and I could pass a drug test with flying colors. I think I did pretty well.

On top of that, I have a job... it's not like I'm gonna have to look for one. Having a job and living with my parents? I just can't fathom it. On top of that, my job is at a school... it's gonna be like coming home from school and my mom asking me "How was school?" I am NOT in school anymore. I am 22 years old. I have a degree, a job, a good head on my shoulders, and the intelligence and ability to live my life without any further parental guidance.

I can't do it. I just can't. I honestly cannot do it. It will be the death of me.

let's be a little negative

Just for kicks, huh? What do you say? That's what I thought...

In 2 months... exactly 2 months, I will be 22. I will have just returned from my first day at work at East North Street Academy. I will be living at home. I will (more than likely) be single. I will have no fond memories of my last summer not working ('cause I'm here at camp). I will have no friends closeby.

It's going to suck. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I gotta have a job... and it's going to be stressful. I've got to live somewhere... at least 'til I get some bank. Let's not even discuss the whole single issue. And as for camp, I just miss my freedom. It's 10 o'clock on a Saturday night and I'm sitting in my DORM room surrounded by high schoolers.

NOW, I can finally say that I am ready to leave Clemson. Maybe this job was good for me. 'Cause I thought I was going to have such a hard time letting go of Clemson... but no. I'm ready to live in a HOUSE... in a bigger city... with a majority of people who are mature. I'm ready for that.

So, I think I'm done WRITING about my negativity. Time to just sit and wallow in it.

drum roll please...

Hamil (me) and Jenee' are pleased to introduce...

SuburbanDictionary
est. 2005

Click the link. Read the words. Be re-educated.

the reason

Hoobastank had a song that came out about this time last year. It was called The Reason. It was all about "I found a reason to live... and the reason is you..." yadda yadda yadda.

I have no reason like that. I mean, I don't have a single person who is "a reason to start over new" and all that stuff. But, as I was talking to Katherine tonight, and as I was preparing to get dressed earlier today, I have realized that there is truly a reason for everything.

You ever wonder why for some strange reason, your attention was drawn to a little girl playing with a doll in a park? It's random, and you really could care less about the girl or her doll, but for some reason, it catches your attention and you are sucked in for just a minute? So often that happens to me... where I'm like, "There is obviously a reason for why this is happening or why I am being exposed to this." Usually, it's when I notice something random that I realize this. Never is it really anything substantial that I'm like, "Hey, there's a reason for this." However, Katherine brought this to my attention.

Earlier today, I came into my room after going to the bathroon to start the shower. My door was open and I was getting my things together to take them into the bathroom, when one of the cleaning ladies stopped in my doorway and just randomly started talking about computer games. I swear it was random REAL HARD. Never had I ever seen nor spoken to this woman... and she didn't introduce herself or anything. Like, the first thing she said was,"Do you know of any websites where I can find good computer games?" I don't play computer games, nor do I know much about computers, but she was nice and I was cordial and told her the little that I knew. We talked for about 5 minutes and then she went on her way. When she left, I stood there and thought, "There has got to be some crazy messed up reason that she just randomly stopped me to talk about computer games." And it's a little weird, just 'cause it makes me feel like something is going to happen... either regarding her, or my computer, or games of some sort. I'm no prophet or anything, but it was just SO random... almost like she wasn't really real and she was just some sort of messenger sent to covertly warn me or share information with me... I dunno. It was just so weird.

Yet and still, even with that random incident, I feel that I can't figure out why other things serve only as "a reason." Like Katherine says, maybe they are to show that bigger and better things are in the future. Who knows? That's so hard to believe. Things happen so randomly and so sporadically that it's hard to be patient and expect bigger and better things to happen. Sometimes, you just feel like you need an absolution. You are sick of just plain old reasons and you want a real, solid, firm, everlasting reason...

..."a reason to live."

i knew i wasn't a country bumpkin

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English

30% Yankee

25% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

secret blog

So, I recently started ANOTHER blog. Yes. That makes... hell, I don't know, and I don't feel like counting how many I really have. But this blog is not open to the public. I recently discovered that my mind is so ridiculously complex and weird that if I wrote down every little thing that I was thinking or feeling in here, people would probably avoid me like the plague. I mean, I scared myself when I admitted to having thoughts of committing arson or murder in talking about moving home.

But, it's all good... think of it as self-prescribed, self-assisted psychiatric release. LOL. I'm good really, I am. It's just that a lot of thoughts that run through my head are just random as all get out. I guess they are those little dark thoughts and secrets that NO ONE ever knows about, you know? Everyone has some deep dark secret or fantasy or idea that just pops into their head every once in a while. I am just being real and getting it out.

Everyone needs to. I think everyone would be a little bit better if they just got stuff off their chests. It's kinda like not worrying. Instead of worrying about stuff... let it flow... let it out... be random and weird... scare yourself every once in a while... figuratively kill a small animal, you know? Just come out with it.

That's what I'm doing. Sorry you can't be a part of it. I know you're pissed.

something stupid

Lord...

It's been a whole two days since I wrote anything. Seems like I'm reverting back to life as a busy college student. That isn't the case though...

As the title of this entry states, I feel that if I write anything (more specifically, anything about what I'm thinking), it will be stupid.

No... I'm not really scared of what people will think if I were to write it in here, but I am just a little confused as to what it is I need to get off my chest and put down. It is something substantial... and if it is on my mind, it's blogworthy... but I cannot put it into words really.

It's been marinating in my head for a little bit now, and I can't find the combination of words to use that will convey all my feelings accurately.

MAYBE, my lack of something to say is in fact a blessing in disguise. Maybe I am just not worrying. Maybe that's what it is? Hmm... I dunno. Talking about all this makes me feel like I am worrying, so I'm gonna stop.

In other news, a camper down the hall just laughed. It wasn't Louie, Vincent, Kurt, Ryan-Deon-Chris, Louis, Jeremi, Clinton, Taylor, Travis, or Alex though. Dang... I didn't think I was going to miss them. They were good kids.

not worrying

Well, it's finally Friday. The building has dinged for a whole week now... the children have been bad for a week now... it has RAINED for a week now. Ugh. Life is just a little bit boring right now.

NOT worrying seems to be adding to this lack of excitement around here too. I mean, yeah, it's great not to worry. I really feel like I am doing a good job. I'm just... really chill. I'm not worrying, and it's boring as all get out.

Last night, I almost started worrying about moving back home in August. This is what I have come to... It's going to suck SO incredibly bad. I mean, next year WILL be the most difficult year of my life. I'm going to be living at home with my parents after 4 years of freedom. I will have the challenges of a brand new job. I won't have any friends around... it's pretty much going to suck so bad. Don't be surprised if a suicide letter is posted in here within the next year... either that or the explanation of a homicide.

But, I then realized, if things start to suck, I'm peacing out. I don't care if I have to rent an apartment. If I am not happy with my living situation, I'm getting out. There is only so much that a grown man living in his parents' house can take. And what is it going to look like if and when I do meet people and I say, "Um, well, we can't go to my house... 'cause my parents are there." OOH... and if they try to give me a curfew, I might burn the house down.

I kinda feel like everyone is growing up... Kalani is moving to Florida, everyone and their dog is going to grad school, everyone else is getting married and starting their lives together AWAY from the parental ball and chain. Me? I'm going back home to Greenville to live with my parents and work for a man who I have known since I was 8. I might be Clemson's most tragic graduate this year.

Anyway, I'm not worrying... just devising plans for what to do when this ish happens.

If I don't like living at home, I'm moving out.
If my parents give me a curfew, I'm burning the house down.
If my life is just shit all around, I'm killing someone.

See? Simple.

As for this very present moment, I am listening to Ben Kweller's In Other Words. I just have it on my playlist 'cause Matt Sparrow sent it to me my freshman year. I like this line though...

Butterflies
Are passive agressive
And put their problems on the shelf
But they're so beautiful...

Ha. Let that simmer for a minute.

Okay, done.

I'm ready for these children to go home. Some of them have been thorns in my side. Others have been the silver lining among the dark clouds. As a whole, I have felt like I have been babysitting Satan's offspting. Last year's 1st 2 week group was SO awesome... so this group coming in on Sunday has a lot to live up to. Actually, I don't care if they are as cool as the 2 weekers last year. All I care is that they are better than the group that has been here this week... and I do believe that is an affirmative (at least it better be).

As for the big K???

ding!

The elevator in this building is wretched. I really don't like the fact that it dings so. Ugh.

Besides the fact that the elevator dings (there it goes again), it has been raining constantly for the past few days. Maybe some of the bad children will melt.

Speaking of the bad children, they really trip me out... how they can be Junior Scholars and make excellent scores on SATs and still talk back, disregard instructions, forget things CONSTANTLY, ask RIDICULOUS questions, and run around the building like they are on fire.

It's so funny... disturbing, but still funny.

I am really proud of my 10 campers though. It makes me feel good that they have seemed to take on a little bit of my personality. And I really do think that they get me. They know that I am gonna crank my music at 7 am every morning and bang on their door... so, I made it clear to them that if they go to sleep late, they are gonna have to suffer the consequences and still be up on time. This morning, I had campers waiting at their doors for me to come by and wake them up... they were prepared. It was a good start to the morning.

And the best part is, I don't have to yell at them to get them to do stuff. Ugh... ever since I started working with kids, I have subscribed to the thought that yelling at kids does nothing but pisses them off even more. They tune you out and disregard what you are saying 'cause they don't have a reason to respect you. They respect you more if you show respect to them.

I'm so glad to be doing this again... it's great practice for next year. At times I think classroom management is going to be the biggest problem with being a first year teacher. But I really think that I'll be able to handle them (look, this is me not worrying).

I most certainly won't have to LIVE with them...

...in this wretched dinging building.