the reason

Hoobastank had a song that came out about this time last year. It was called The Reason. It was all about "I found a reason to live... and the reason is you..." yadda yadda yadda.

I have no reason like that. I mean, I don't have a single person who is "a reason to start over new" and all that stuff. But, as I was talking to Katherine tonight, and as I was preparing to get dressed earlier today, I have realized that there is truly a reason for everything.

You ever wonder why for some strange reason, your attention was drawn to a little girl playing with a doll in a park? It's random, and you really could care less about the girl or her doll, but for some reason, it catches your attention and you are sucked in for just a minute? So often that happens to me... where I'm like, "There is obviously a reason for why this is happening or why I am being exposed to this." Usually, it's when I notice something random that I realize this. Never is it really anything substantial that I'm like, "Hey, there's a reason for this." However, Katherine brought this to my attention.

Earlier today, I came into my room after going to the bathroon to start the shower. My door was open and I was getting my things together to take them into the bathroom, when one of the cleaning ladies stopped in my doorway and just randomly started talking about computer games. I swear it was random REAL HARD. Never had I ever seen nor spoken to this woman... and she didn't introduce herself or anything. Like, the first thing she said was,"Do you know of any websites where I can find good computer games?" I don't play computer games, nor do I know much about computers, but she was nice and I was cordial and told her the little that I knew. We talked for about 5 minutes and then she went on her way. When she left, I stood there and thought, "There has got to be some crazy messed up reason that she just randomly stopped me to talk about computer games." And it's a little weird, just 'cause it makes me feel like something is going to happen... either regarding her, or my computer, or games of some sort. I'm no prophet or anything, but it was just SO random... almost like she wasn't really real and she was just some sort of messenger sent to covertly warn me or share information with me... I dunno. It was just so weird.

Yet and still, even with that random incident, I feel that I can't figure out why other things serve only as "a reason." Like Katherine says, maybe they are to show that bigger and better things are in the future. Who knows? That's so hard to believe. Things happen so randomly and so sporadically that it's hard to be patient and expect bigger and better things to happen. Sometimes, you just feel like you need an absolution. You are sick of just plain old reasons and you want a real, solid, firm, everlasting reason...

..."a reason to live."

i knew i wasn't a country bumpkin

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English

30% Yankee

25% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

secret blog

So, I recently started ANOTHER blog. Yes. That makes... hell, I don't know, and I don't feel like counting how many I really have. But this blog is not open to the public. I recently discovered that my mind is so ridiculously complex and weird that if I wrote down every little thing that I was thinking or feeling in here, people would probably avoid me like the plague. I mean, I scared myself when I admitted to having thoughts of committing arson or murder in talking about moving home.

But, it's all good... think of it as self-prescribed, self-assisted psychiatric release. LOL. I'm good really, I am. It's just that a lot of thoughts that run through my head are just random as all get out. I guess they are those little dark thoughts and secrets that NO ONE ever knows about, you know? Everyone has some deep dark secret or fantasy or idea that just pops into their head every once in a while. I am just being real and getting it out.

Everyone needs to. I think everyone would be a little bit better if they just got stuff off their chests. It's kinda like not worrying. Instead of worrying about stuff... let it flow... let it out... be random and weird... scare yourself every once in a while... figuratively kill a small animal, you know? Just come out with it.

That's what I'm doing. Sorry you can't be a part of it. I know you're pissed.

something stupid

Lord...

It's been a whole two days since I wrote anything. Seems like I'm reverting back to life as a busy college student. That isn't the case though...

As the title of this entry states, I feel that if I write anything (more specifically, anything about what I'm thinking), it will be stupid.

No... I'm not really scared of what people will think if I were to write it in here, but I am just a little confused as to what it is I need to get off my chest and put down. It is something substantial... and if it is on my mind, it's blogworthy... but I cannot put it into words really.

It's been marinating in my head for a little bit now, and I can't find the combination of words to use that will convey all my feelings accurately.

MAYBE, my lack of something to say is in fact a blessing in disguise. Maybe I am just not worrying. Maybe that's what it is? Hmm... I dunno. Talking about all this makes me feel like I am worrying, so I'm gonna stop.

In other news, a camper down the hall just laughed. It wasn't Louie, Vincent, Kurt, Ryan-Deon-Chris, Louis, Jeremi, Clinton, Taylor, Travis, or Alex though. Dang... I didn't think I was going to miss them. They were good kids.

not worrying

Well, it's finally Friday. The building has dinged for a whole week now... the children have been bad for a week now... it has RAINED for a week now. Ugh. Life is just a little bit boring right now.

NOT worrying seems to be adding to this lack of excitement around here too. I mean, yeah, it's great not to worry. I really feel like I am doing a good job. I'm just... really chill. I'm not worrying, and it's boring as all get out.

Last night, I almost started worrying about moving back home in August. This is what I have come to... It's going to suck SO incredibly bad. I mean, next year WILL be the most difficult year of my life. I'm going to be living at home with my parents after 4 years of freedom. I will have the challenges of a brand new job. I won't have any friends around... it's pretty much going to suck so bad. Don't be surprised if a suicide letter is posted in here within the next year... either that or the explanation of a homicide.

But, I then realized, if things start to suck, I'm peacing out. I don't care if I have to rent an apartment. If I am not happy with my living situation, I'm getting out. There is only so much that a grown man living in his parents' house can take. And what is it going to look like if and when I do meet people and I say, "Um, well, we can't go to my house... 'cause my parents are there." OOH... and if they try to give me a curfew, I might burn the house down.

I kinda feel like everyone is growing up... Kalani is moving to Florida, everyone and their dog is going to grad school, everyone else is getting married and starting their lives together AWAY from the parental ball and chain. Me? I'm going back home to Greenville to live with my parents and work for a man who I have known since I was 8. I might be Clemson's most tragic graduate this year.

Anyway, I'm not worrying... just devising plans for what to do when this ish happens.

If I don't like living at home, I'm moving out.
If my parents give me a curfew, I'm burning the house down.
If my life is just shit all around, I'm killing someone.

See? Simple.

As for this very present moment, I am listening to Ben Kweller's In Other Words. I just have it on my playlist 'cause Matt Sparrow sent it to me my freshman year. I like this line though...

Butterflies
Are passive agressive
And put their problems on the shelf
But they're so beautiful...

Ha. Let that simmer for a minute.

Okay, done.

I'm ready for these children to go home. Some of them have been thorns in my side. Others have been the silver lining among the dark clouds. As a whole, I have felt like I have been babysitting Satan's offspting. Last year's 1st 2 week group was SO awesome... so this group coming in on Sunday has a lot to live up to. Actually, I don't care if they are as cool as the 2 weekers last year. All I care is that they are better than the group that has been here this week... and I do believe that is an affirmative (at least it better be).

As for the big K???

ding!

The elevator in this building is wretched. I really don't like the fact that it dings so. Ugh.

Besides the fact that the elevator dings (there it goes again), it has been raining constantly for the past few days. Maybe some of the bad children will melt.

Speaking of the bad children, they really trip me out... how they can be Junior Scholars and make excellent scores on SATs and still talk back, disregard instructions, forget things CONSTANTLY, ask RIDICULOUS questions, and run around the building like they are on fire.

It's so funny... disturbing, but still funny.

I am really proud of my 10 campers though. It makes me feel good that they have seemed to take on a little bit of my personality. And I really do think that they get me. They know that I am gonna crank my music at 7 am every morning and bang on their door... so, I made it clear to them that if they go to sleep late, they are gonna have to suffer the consequences and still be up on time. This morning, I had campers waiting at their doors for me to come by and wake them up... they were prepared. It was a good start to the morning.

And the best part is, I don't have to yell at them to get them to do stuff. Ugh... ever since I started working with kids, I have subscribed to the thought that yelling at kids does nothing but pisses them off even more. They tune you out and disregard what you are saying 'cause they don't have a reason to respect you. They respect you more if you show respect to them.

I'm so glad to be doing this again... it's great practice for next year. At times I think classroom management is going to be the biggest problem with being a first year teacher. But I really think that I'll be able to handle them (look, this is me not worrying).

I most certainly won't have to LIVE with them...

...in this wretched dinging building.

the most encouraging phrase is...

"Don't worry."

It was relayed to me by Bryce, Cory, and Kamikaze tonight. I DO worry too much. But like I told Kamikaze, I am going to try really hard not to.

It's so much easier said than done though...

free time @ camp

Free time at camp might just be the greatest thing ever. Everyone is happy... the kids are happy 'cause they aren't in class and the counselors are happy because the kids can do things alone around the dorm to occupy themselves and we don't have to play babysitter.

Camp is going great. Of course there are things that I don't like that I KNEW I wouldn't like, but honestly, the good outweighs the bad. I am enjoying working with this group of counselors. There are only 9 of us, so we are a lot closer knit than we were last summer... also, there is the fact that 6 of us are APO/Gamma Sig, 5 of us are in band (with 1 whose brother is in band), and 4 of us are in KKPsi. It makes things run a lot more smoothly, which I suppose is due to the fact that we know what makes each other tick.

Anyway, free time is a special time today because at lunch time today, Katy and I braved College Avenue at lunch time with close to 100 campers. It was a mess... seriously. I was so on edge, thinkin' that kids were gonna get run over and abducted... Thankfully, that didn't happen, however, 4 little girls caused about a 6 car pile up in the intersection of 93 and College Ave.

Anyway, right about now, I'm kinda at a loss for words. Camp is good. "Nice and good," as Kelly would say. The campers are... well... nice. LOL. I'm having a good time.

I'm happy.

The only thing that could make me a little happier right now would be the satisfaction of having a little free time for myself downtown tonight to celebrate my happiness. LOL...

Thursday, bitches...

But then again, Sarah isn't around...

NO WORRIES! I'll manage.

the return of dumb pe0ple

So today, Monday (Lord, it's gonna be a long week), was the first full day of camp. I like the campers... really I do. However, even though they are supposed to be the smartest youth from all around the country, there really are some special ones here. Even though these kids are "special" they aren't who were the dumbest today... Lord, those dear tennis girls... I wrote about them in dumb pe0ple.

Anyway, like I said... camp is good. I'm getting along well with all the counselors and stuff... and my group of guys are really awesome. It appears as if this is going to be a good week... and hopefully a good summer.

But speaking of dumb pe0ple... I can't point my finger too much without pointing it back at me. I realize my flaws... so much that I don't even feel like I need to put them in here. Hell, they are pretty visible in here without me having to address what they are specifically. I am vowing to work on those things this summer. It's my last summer of freedom, so to speak. I've got some growing up to do still... but I mean, I'm not that bad. If anything, I guess it says a lot that I am able to admit to my flaws and vow to work on them (yes, I am admitting to my flaws by writing them in here).

You know, honestly... I want to walk away from this summer knowing that I had a good time, I learned something, I taught someone something, I grew up, and that I am confident and ready to start teaching come August.

I think I'm on the right track. I really hope I am (there goes a flaw right there... but I'm working on it!).

1st night in manning

So, last night was my first night sleeping here in Manning. It was definitely one for the record books. I've got nothing but good memories so far, but I'm sure that is going to change because I don't think the hot water is working in the showers... ugh.

Anyway, the night started at Craps' with a birthday party for Tiggy. Mmmmm... delicious "fruit and beverage" as Jenee and I would say. Those very same pieces of fruit were the culprits for putting me in the state I was in last night.

We ended up leaving fairly early... I kept saying, "It's not even last call yet!" It was a Saturday night though, so last call was really around midnight. But, I was thinking last call on a weeknight. It's okay though, because it is probably a good thing that we left when we did. When I got back to Manning and realized my state, it was too late...

...not late enough, however, for Kamikaze to call. Ooh wee... I was all smiles. And it was so funny because earlier that evening, Kamikaze said, "You know what would be funny? If you got drunk and I got drunk at the same time!" You see, Kamikaze is not in Clemson... hehe... surprise anyone? But it's true. And last night, Kamikaze wasn't even at home in Kingstree. The call I got was from a drunken Kamikaze who was leaving some sort of establishment in Greensboro, NC.

We talked for a L O N G time... 'til like 4:30 in the morning or so. I loved it. And yes... we were both drunk. But, the awesome thing about the two of us is that regardless of how drunk we were, it never got risque... and I like that a lot. I have never had this much of an emotional connection with someone before. I honestly feel like talking with Kamikaze is just as intense as if we were physically together.

You know... it sucks... just to be far apart. But the AMAZING thing is that somewhere, someone is thinking about me. And seriously, THAT is something that I have wanted to feel for such a long time. When I get a call from Kamikaze and I hear the words, "I think about you a lot," all I can do is smile. I truly understand what Kristen and Antley talk about now.

See... the first night in Manning was ever so excellent.

i worry too much

So the past week has been wasted on me being completely and utterly woeful and downtrodden all because of nothing. Nothing at all. This whole new love interest ... haha... just called me... like earlier in this saga.

Anyway, This whole new love interest really messed me up emotionally all week long. I talked to "Kamikaze" today (this is the name I have coined for the individual) and relayed this. I talked about how I was confused and concerned and didn't know if things were going in the right direction, or any direction at all for that matter. To make a long story short, everything is good... actually, everything is great. We had a little mini-DTR type thing... I mean, we really didn't define a relationship, 'cause there really isn't one yet. But then Kamikaze said "I like you a lot, Hamilton," it apparently came from the heart. And in now way was it said carelessly.

On top of that, I got an explanation for the unanswered phone calls and shortness online and stuff... it's just been busy around there. I mean, it was a good long conversation that cleared up a lot and set us in a good direction.

I am so optimistic now... even though I told Kamikaze that I am a pessimistic person. I really do feel like things are looking up right now. I mean, I got a phone call at 3:30 in the morning... and the assurance that I would more than likely have another tonight.

Yes... I worry too much. Things are good. There's no need to panic. Much like Katherine says, "NO WORRIES!"

In other news, I believe I may have worried about camp a little too much. After we got through that waste-of-my-life meeting, I really started to look forward to camp... to the dorm life... to the kids... to the drama... to the counselors. I am excited. I guess the one thing that I hate is having to pack everything up from The Reserve and cram it into 2A1 Manning Hall for the rest of the summer... and then the harsh reality that my next address will be back home in Greenville.

But I'm not going to WORRY about that now. I'm going to enjoy camp... I AM looking forward to it.

And I'm going to enjoy how things are with Kamikaze. I am looking forward to all that will come with this too.

last night...

Ugh. Forgive me. After returning from downtown last night, I spilled my ever-loving guts in here. I was beyond tragic. I was TURBO-tragic.

I don't know what it is about the night time and the lack of phone calls and the influence of alcohol that combines and turns me into a ball of tragedy. But like I said... a combination of all those things I listed. If you want to keep me in good spirits, I suggest you hang out with me during daylight hours, call me frequently, and keep me away from the likes of Jack, Jose, and Jim.

My life isn't all that bad... I just freak out easily... and panic easily... and sometimes, I'm just a big whiny bitch. LOL.

Today, I'm gonna chill out. I need to. And besides... ::BIG FAT SIGH:: camp starts on Sunday and it would be a travesty for those kids to come and me be a big punk to them... hehe... THEY are the ones that are going to be punks... LOL.

in a fucking mood

No. I'm not in a FUCKING mood... not in the mood to FUCK. That is not even acceptable. Even if I was, I don't think I would write about it. I'm just lost and confused and tired and annoyed and lonely. There... THAT'S the mood I'm in. I'm drunk (more drunk that I was in that "Even In Intoxication" entry) and I just don't know what's going on. I am the biggest hopeless romantic in the world. You know what? I'm ready for this weird thing that is going on to be over. I want to know what is going to happen. I'm sick of waiting and wondering and being confused. I would rather nothing happen than sit here and wait for nothing to happen. I HATE IT.

I am so lost.

I just hate things. I hate lots of things... about me... about my predicament... about my life... about everything. I hope to God this is just the alcohol talking, but I honestly feel like this is everything just pouring out of me. I don't want to go to camp. I don't want to leave Clemson. I don't want to be left wandering. I don't want to grow up. I want to be loved. I want to have fun. I want to be liked. I want resolution. I FUCKING HATE so much about my life. I just... UGH. I just want someone to talk to... to tell me it will be okay. I just want someone to tell me everything I want to hear. I just want. And I hate it.

...yes. This is what going out and having a good time will do to you.

so fresh and so clean clean

Like the new look? Yeah... I thought so. It's more streamlined and crisp, I think... LOL. What the hell do I know? I sound like the descriptions of beers down at Barley's in Greenville. I'm sure I'll have more to write later... just needed to document this exciting occasion in the life of king congruence.

7:30 am news

First of all... this entry is not related to love or anything that the past few have... But you know if I am writing it at 7:30 in the morning, it is big news...

So, I wake up to my parent's ring on my cell phone. On Nokia phones, it's called "Kick." Besides the fact that I call it the "you're in trouble ring" and it just isn't a pleasant sound, it's 7 something in the morning!

So I pick it up, and my mother is on the other end... obviously on the speaker phone (which I hate because it is a speaker phone on the cordless reciever and she will walk around with the reciever on speaker phone which defeats the purpose of a speaker phone). Anyway, she's all excited and says she has good news... and that she knows who my NEW principal is going to be. I was shocked.... honestly. First of all, I was like, I don't have a principal. Then I realized she was talking about for next year at East North Street Academy. Then I realized that the news of a new principal, regardless of who it was, was NOT good news. New principals bring about lots of confusion and changes in policy and disagreement. Even though it won't be a huge change for me, I had already met the former principal... heck, I was HIRED by her. So, I was not looking forward to the news of this person, regarless of who it was.

Anyway, I had no clue who it was... then she said, "You know him really well!" HIM? I had even less of a clue who it was going to be since it was going to be a man. I don't have to talk about how few men there are in elementary education. So, I said the name of the first decent man that came to mind: "Daddy?" It was a long shot, seeing how my dad doesn't have an education degree, so my mom laughed and said no.

Then I began to get frustrated and tell her about how I was not looking forward to a new principal, like I aforementioned. Then my mom was like, "Well, you know 'the Lord will make a way somehow."" And that was all I needed: "Mr. LaVelle?!" Mr. LaVelle is a man that goes to our church... he IS in education... an intelligent and GREAT young guy that I look up to, actually. "Yep! How'd you guess?" My mom asked... I guess it was the church reference that helped me get it.

So, I was excited... and I am excited. The only thing is, I am going to have this constant connection between work and church... I dunno about this. Also, I used to call him Mr. LaVelle, and now I'm going to have to call him by his professional name... Mr. McCray. It sounds so WEIRD! PLUS (I just thought of this), I used to date his niece! WEIRD!!!

But like my mom says, "the Lord will make a way somehow." I really hope that the Lord (as much as I love Him) stays out of East North Street to a degree... but I do hope that He smooths this transition over at the school.

Now, I am going back to bed... I have to call my new principal later today!

horoscope

So... all I can say is, I am a hopeless romantic... and on top of that, I am a pessimist. Not only in the areas of love and relationships. I have always seen the glass as half empty.

Anyway, I have been stressing myself for the past few days about this new love interest (I really need to come up with a name like I had for "The Caller" and "The Crush." I'll work on that). What I took as a loss of interest has turned out to be a busy and hectic schedule.

I mean, I guess that still doesn't make me feel TONS better. I still "toss and turn when I'm alone." And I still "think about you day and night and I just can't get you off my mind."

But, things are looking up. I mean, look at this horoscope that I got from Jenee...

July 23 - August 22 (My birthday is 8/11)
There are only two possible explanations for the mood you're in. One is that you've won the lottery, and you're now preparing to tell off your boss, your boss's boss and anyone who even remotely resembles either of them. But if that's not it, it looks like you're in love, and you've discovered that your special someone loves you too. Either way, nothing could be finer. To celebrate, you really should call someone you love and plan an extremely romantic evening out.

And on top of that, I love Jenee... she is the sister I never had.

katherine

Well, even though the title of this entry is "Katherine," I must first say that I am doing something that my friend Kelly hates. When we were at her house in Pauley's Island, we were watching Dawson's Creek (not my choice... actually my first time watching it) and Dawson's mom was being the classic tragic television woman eating ice cream alone in her kitchen. Well, I'm eating Ramen alone in my room watching American Idol. I haven't watched it at all this season. These people suck. I do have to admit, that I am taking a liking to Bo Bice though. He's weird... and he should cut his hair... but other than that, he is good. Carrie Underwood is a little ol' country heffer. Oh well... in all honestly, I don't care. This season has been a waste of good television time.

Anyway, before I commenced my dinner and American Idol, I had the opportunity to talk to my friend Katherine about this new love interest. She (bless her heart) has been really bored at home since graduation, so what does she do? Indulge in my less than exciting blog musings. Well, I told her all about the elusive individual, which is not really something I do. You know, I don't really talk about things like this. But, I trust Katherine... and she has served as a plethora of information and assistance in dealing with these weird feelings. I'm so glad that she understands what I'm going through. It was good to talk to an actual person about it rather than blog about it. It helped me really understand some things that really bug me when I think about them to myself.

I am just overwhelmed right now and can't really express all that's going on in my mind. Katherine has really done more than I think she knows she has done... I feel a lot more confident about things. Yeah.

Thank you, Katherine.

pauley's island

Greetings from Pauley's Island! I'm here visiting with Bryn, Kelly, and their sister Lane. We came up yesterday after a short stop in Summerville. Today, we went out to the beach on the island. It was SO awesome. I really love the beach. I thought I wasn't going to make it to the beach this summer, but thankfully I have. I guess I have had my little vacation... camp starts on Sunday... I was excited, but not so much anymore.

Anyway, things are good... after a pretty restless Satruday night, I was able to make it this weekend rippin' and roarin' through South Carolina. Saturday night's events really tore me up... you know, the phone call and all... I couldn't sleep... It put the *NSYNC song The Two of Us in my mind.

You know I toss and turn when I'm alone...

Yeah. It sucks... I hate being this way... having my mind invaded by foreign thoughts. I was just sitting downstairs here at the Salters thinking "You know, I'm going to think back on this trip and these first few weeks after graduating and THIS is going to come to mind." Tragic. Ugh.

Oh well. Sadly, these thoughts also seem to be keeping me from being social interaction. My mind is racing so much that sadly, it seems like everytime I should be socializing or joining in conversaiton, I would rather be alone thinking to myself. I mean, I guess I'm always in a pretty pensive mood, but more now than normally.

Like today on the beach, I walked around on the shore looking for seashells and softly humming Such Great Heights while Patrick and the girls were out in the ocean... but also, the water was really cold and I wasn't about to be all out in the water as cold as it was.

Once again, tragic.

Is that what my life has become? I really am starting to feel old... I mean, this situation is making me feel old. I feel distant from my friends in a way. I really hope they don't feel like I am distancing myself. That's not my intention. I even thought about not coming just because I knew that I was going to be in a pretty intense mood after Saturday night. But then I thought, what good is it sitting in that apartment all day with nothing to do, when I can go to the beach and hang out with my friends for almost no cost? Yeah, I did the right thing by coming...

I am just so thankful that they had a computer so I could get some of these thoughts out. Hopefully now, I can go back downstairs and be a little more sociable with this off of my mind.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I am NOT trying to alienate myself from anyone. And I am not being a complete bitter snob...

...I make it obvious when I am attempting to do that.

wedding #4

Today I drove to Lexington for my friend Cheryl's wedding. Yes... this was wedding number 4 for the year. Can you believe it? I'm not even going to begin to discuss the plethora of weddings planned for the year, nor am I going to talk about the plethora of weddings I have already attended this year.

It was a very tender wedding though... I think the best part about the wedding was the look on Cheryl's face as the doors opened for her to come down the aisle. She was one big huge ball of boo hoo. IT WAS SO TENDER! The doors opened and all I could see was this big huge smile amidst the most sweet tears of joy. It was one of those situations where I couldn't help but smile. I mean... GAH! You know that's deep when you can feel the love so much. I mean seriously. I coulda cut me a slice out of the air. It was so tender.

You know, being in the midst of all of that emotion and love just makes one want to be in love. It's funny. It was like it was almost contagious. Not to mention, I had a 2 and a half hour drive back to Clemson to let everything marinate.

I guess it's pretty clear that with Such Great Heights on the brain, this new interest, and weddings abound that there's lots goin' on upstairs... possibly even within the chest cavity.

Okay, look... like... I've never gotten goosebumps just talking to a random person. I've never just thought about someone or mentioned them and then my phone rings and their name is showing up on the screen. I've never had someone call and say, "I was thinking about you." I've never wanted to drop everything just to be with someone... until now.

And you know, I don't know if it's real, or if Such Great Heights and all these weddings are serving as catalysts. I honestly don't know.

But what I do know, is that I am better than this... to let something like this consume me so much... I KNOW that it is not good for me. I am just setting myself up...

OMG...

OMG. The craziest fucking thing in the whole universe just happened...

As I am writing about this weird situation that I am in... my phone rang. It was the ever so sweet person in question. And you know, I don't really know a lot of what was said... but I know that "I like you a lot, Hamilton" was said. And my heart started beating really fast... and I got goosebumps... and I started smiling like a big dumb ass. I mean, like a BIG dumb ass. I'm just DUMBfounded. I'm serious when I say that this has never happened. It's too much. In the words of my friend Amanda who I crushed on in high school, "Me lungs hurt." When she found out I liked her, she said, "Me lungs hurt." We laughed... but oh, Amanda... I know what you were talking about.

The only song that comes to mind right now is Beyonce's Crazy in Love. I'm honestly feeling CRAZY right now. I wouldn't go so far as to call it love... but this is a crazy feeling I've got goin' on. It's seriously got me lookin' so crazy right now.

So, in an attempt to not appear so trite and fucking schoolgirlish, I'm going to go, listen to Crazy in Love, and await another phone call.

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain
How I'm feelin' and my pride is the one to blame
Cause I know I don't understand
Just how your love can do what no one else can...

and even in intoxication...

So, I went out tonight... thankfully, because I have been so bored and downtown has not been fun in recent nights.

Tonight was fun though. I went out with Patrick, Karen, and Tripp. We had a good time. And I had 3 jello shots... right before we left. So, I assume that they will start taking effect shortly.

Anyway, while we were out, I said I was going to blog about Oh by Ciara. I can't say anything about that song except: SEX.

That song reminds me of nothing but two people banging in the bed. It's such a sexy song. Another favorite of mine. However, it is still not as perfect as Such Great Heights. I know... It might be useful to call this obsession tragic. I mean, I feel like this song is the most perfect song ever created.... ever written... ever devised to show love.

Ironically, even Tripp, who hadn't read my blog said that it was the perfect song as we were riding downtown. It is... it's just perfect. I can even realize that in the state I'm in now.

On top of that... as I was out, I kinda let my roomie Patrick in on a little secret... that I have been talking to someone for the past few days. It's still in the very early stages, so it's pretty much still unmentionable, but the way that this came up this evening is almost frightening.

I don't really remember (or else, I am just having a hard time recalling due to other circumstances), but somehow we started talking about... something. I really don't know right now. But I told Patrick about this person that I have been talking to a good bit. OH! I know why... because someone walked into the bar that favored this particular person. That's it... hehe.

Anyway, I told Patrick about the elusive individual and at that very moment, I felt my phone vibrate... it was that very person. Patrick, bless his heart, looked stunned and said, "That's fate." Well... I don't want to go that far, but it was definitely something.

And you know, that's all I'm going to say about that... and about this particular individual. Every great blogger needs a little bit of privacy. Besides... taking everything into consideration (the wonderful song of the moment and tonight's occurrence at the bar), one might be able to guess what happens to be "catch(ing) my troubled head."

such great heights

Well, thanks be to God... I didn't watch half as much TV as I have been watching. I think last night's entry was just one big wake up call. Turn the tube off and let your mind do a little work... So, my mind has been doing just that today.

It started late this morning when a song came to my mind. It's a song that just happened to be on a CD that Hoke gave me. The first time I heard it, I just listened to the music. It's a really interesting electronic sounding song. Turns out that after I listened closely to the words of the song, it is a song that is not only pleasing to the ear, but also to the soul. I mean, the words are so awesome. I'm trying to do a little analysis of the words though, 'cause they are good, but yet, they are sort of confusing. I think most of my OCD about this song is due to the fact that the lyrics (for what I take them as) make up one of the most tender love songs ever... you know, along the lines of The Luckiest by Ben Folds. Oh, and sorry, the name of the song in question is Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.

Okay, so here are the lyrics... I plan on analyzing these... but unfortunately, no matter how I look at these lyrics, they will be that of a love song, and serve no personal meaning to me because I am not in love.

I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.

And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.

And when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon the sending.

and that frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
and this is guiding you home.

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay

Yeah... there you go. Beautiful... Beautiful doesn't really even describe the words. I actually mentioned to Tripp about how meaningful these words must have been to him these past 5 months that Bryn has been "out there on the road." So there's the first meaning... it's about a love between two people that are not physically close to each other. I imagine that being excruciating... almost impossible to do... which is also why I am glad that Kalani and Jesse will be together next year. I'm so happy for them.

Anyway, yes... I definitely think that it would be a sign that freckles in eyes match up perfectly during a kiss... once again, an image almost impossible to imagine. This only leads me to ask one question... this can't possibly happen to many people. I mean, think of how many people one individual dates... just in college. I mean, this song is pretty much null and void to a vast majority of people... if the freckles in your eyes are aligning with someone, then you better drop everything and get hitched... that doesn't happen much... you know?

This next stanza... I think might possibly be my favorite. Corresponding puzzle pieces. Once again... this is not talking about a fling, or a little petty less than a few months boyfriend/girlfriend type thing. This is serious love. "Corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay." That is ridiculously deep. That means you were meant to be together. I mean, imagine a love like that... I honestly cannot fathom it. It's just almost too much to think about.

The next verses talk about missing someone... I guess in my case, it is missing this individual, whoever and wherever they may be... "out there on the road."

Then the verse.

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay

I think I just got it. No matter what happens... no matter who says what or what people think, that is a love that is going to last... the two people are all they need... there together "from such great heights." What more is important? They've got aligning freckles in their eyes, they are like corresponding puzzle pieces... I mean, those two are made for each other. God, it's perfect.

It is something everyone should want... one person to complete them THAT much? I mean... I think the reason why people get divorced and break up is prolly because this stuff doesn't happen. If everyone on earth was as happy as these two individuals, regardless of whether they are together or apart, think of how happy everyone would be. I guess that is why even though distance is hard and almost unbearable, staying together is worth it.

If you are say in Florida, and your significant other is in South Carolina, just the mere fact that you know someone out there has freckles in their eyes that align with yours should be enough to help pull you through. As long as you know that God himself made that person into a shape that corresponds with you, nothing else should matter.

I guess this is why I don't agree with the saying "You don't have to be in love, you just have to have love." You do need to be in love. It makes for a healthy heart. Just loving someone is great... I mean, we are supposed to love everyone. I know we don't all do that... but pretty much everyone has the desire to BE in love with one person. Why do people get married? Why do nuns and monks not get married? People get married to show that they have an undying and perfect love for the person they are getting married to. Nuns and monks don't get married because their number one love is God, and that love, to them, is above everything else, including any human on earth.

It's such an amazing song. I mean, I would go so far as to say a perfect song. It clearly talks about a perfect love between two people. It seems like the secret to happiness.

Think about having one person on this planet that was made just for you? Doesn't it just make you smile?

too much tv

OMG. I am sitting in my room with the door open (hang on a minute... you've got to get the whole atmospheric picture to understand this), my desk lamp on, my overhead light off, my blinds open, and it's 8:49 pm... so it's completely dark all around me, except for where I am sitting at this present moment. Plus, it's weird because in this darkness, I am succeptible to just about everything. My room door is open and the blinds are open... so since it's dark outside and my lamp is on, every nosy individual in The Reserve can see me. It's an odd little atmosphere... but I'm in an odd little mood.

All week... well, ever since school ended, I have spent my days and nights watching television. Correction: watching channel 38... Nick Jr., Nickelodeon, Nick at Nite. It's pretty much all I care to watch. So, part of my frustration is the fact that normal television (television for adults and other individuals my age) does not amuse me. I mean, I feel weird watching Blue's Clues and The Backyardigans... but I enjoy them? Am I too much of a teacher type? Ugh! I really only started feeling this way when our new roomie, Doug, moved in yesterday. I was like, "I wonder what he thinks, hearing all this little kiddy music and stuff coming from my room." I PROMISE I am not a pedaphile... yuk, yuk, yuk. I love kids... and I want to see them succeed academically. I think I like those shows because it helps me relate to them... okay... I'm going to stop now before I start sounding any more like Michael Jackson. Ugh...

Anyway, the television is too much for me. I have had enough. And you know, I have missed blogging on a regular basis. Yesterday, I started delightful* back up. It felt good to write so much and be so creative again. I think that I seriously had become a bum...

I have felt just kinda blah... like a bump on a log. Watching TV, not having my mind stimulated in any kinda way whatsoever, sleeping, eating... going downtown...

I guess that is another thing that I have had enough of... I don't even feel like going downtown tonight. In fact, I am going to get a Woodchuck right now, and drink it while I type...

Okay... that's enough of being visible to The Reserve parking lot... I felt like I was being watched. And on top of that, I found some wine in the refrigerator that I started drinking last night that I need to finish, so I don't want to be sitting here in front of the window where everyone can see me drinking wine AND a beer. LOL... but the internet community will know anyway...

But, like I said... downtown. Now, I love Clemson... but downtown Clemson sucks in the summer time. I have been thoroughly unimpressed these past couple of days. Mexi-Monday... Boo. Karaoke at TD's... Boo. I'm not even about to face the tragic crowd at trivia at TTT . I mean, if I could get back the hours of my life I wasted downtown Monday and yesterday, I would... but dang... can't do that...

Was just reading a book that my dad wants me to read called The Best Question Ever by Andy Stanley. It's a good book, and "the best question ever" is actually the best question ever. It was just talking about life and how much time we waste... lemme get an excerpt from it... maybe someone can get something from this little passage...

...Where did all that time go?
The answer: away.
It went away. And there is no way to recover a minute of it. There is no leftover time. It can't be saved up for later. You can't store it. It just goes away. So we all look back and wonder where the time went. It seems like yesterday I was sixteen. Where did my twenties go? Why don't I have more to show for my thirties?

Yeah... it's the truth. I just graduated from college and I have been asking myself... Where did those 4 years go? All the time worrying about petty little things, and being upset with people over stupid stuff, and doing useless unwise things... God, it was fun... LOL. And now, I have time to do that... just about 3 months to get all of the college boy out to make room for Mr. Parks the 4th grade teacher. Am I ready? Not right yet. But, what am I doing? Drinking in the dark by myself... Alcoholism anyone?

No, seriously, I'm not an alcoholic. I was told last week that it is only alcoholism when you are endangering your life, or not taking your friends and/or lovedones into consideration. Right now, I just need this. A little bit of me time with the computer... and a nice green bottle of Woodchuck... the wine was nasty... I just don't like wine.

Anyway, yep. I'm bored, and there isn't much more to talk about. I could delve into that whole LACK OF a relationship mumbo jumbo, but thankfully, I do think that that is one thing that I have learned how to deal with over those 4 lightning fast years of college. I'm single... so fucking what? I mean, seriously... I should really learn to take things as they come. I'm 21... I have lots more TIME in front of me (hopefully). I mean, sure it would be fun to spend the time NOW with a special someone, but that is not of great importance to me. I made it through 4 years of college without 1 single solitary serious relationship. Who am I kidding? I made it through college without 1 single solitary non-serious relationship.

My dad once did a sermon about single men being eunichs or something. I don't really know what the real term or definition is, but I think I like the word. I wouldn't mind being called a eunich. It's cool. It's a lot more uncommon that being called a husband or a boyfriend.

Whatever... what will be will be... what WON'T be WON'T be.

See... too much TV fries your brain and makes you bitter and pessimistic and drink alone in the dark in front of windows with open blinds so everyone can see you... even if all you watch is Blue's Clues and Miss Spider's Sunny Patch.

the end?

Well. Today is May 13... Graduation Day. I can't believe it is here. But, first things first...

A week ago today, I said goodbye to the most wonderful 4th graders ever. I wanted to write about it, but the day was so overwhelming and I knew that writing about them would evoke lots of emotions that I didn't want to have to deal with. But, it was a beautiful Friday, accompanied by the most fun party--and I was the guest of honor. It showed me how much I meant to those kids. I was more than a student teacher. I mean, to realize that besides the fact that I taught them things they will need to know in life, I was there as a role model and friend... and a lot of those students needed just that. I am so blessed to have had that experience. I love those children so much... all of them... from the worst behaved to the most angelic. The 2004-2005 Code Elementary 4th graders will forever remain in my heart.

As for today, I honestly don't know if it's going to be as special as last week. I really think it will all depend on who I am sitting by at graduation. As much as I love college (especially this one), there are a TON of people here. High school graduation was really special because by the end of those 4 years, I had had at least one experience with just about everyone in my graduating class... we only had 250 people. There are so many people graduating today... probably even people I have never seen or heard of. Thankfully, I will be sitting with all of my Elementary Ed majors. All of us have a special bond after block and student teaching. But is it going to be emotional? I mean, I cried like a BIG baby at high school graduation. I couldn't believe it. LOL. It was honestly like something I couldn't control, no matter how hard I tried. I'm just wondering if that will be the case today. If I do, I won't mind, because crying makes me feel normal... like I really am a human.

Also, as much as I love Clemson, sometimes, I don't really know if I do or not. LOL. I'm not one of these crazy rednecks that's always like, "Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo hoo!" And I don't really wear a lot of Clemson stuff. There are things about Clemson and about this area that I honestly think are tragic, and in all my 4 years, I never participated. I dunno. I think that's why I am so cool with leaving. Clemson is great, but yet, so small. There is so much to be experienced.

I am just thankful to be able to say, "I went to Clemson."

...and in doing so, I strove for the highest, and I hit the top.

...bitches. ;-)

in the clouds

Today waws field day at Code. I had a great time even though I was very unwise and went out last night and only got an hour and a half of sleep. It was great. It was also my first day back at Code since Tuesday. I have been visiting other schools and observing and getting ideas in preparation for my own class in the fall.

Well, one of the most special things that I did today was not a field day event or activity. While we were waiting in line, 2 of my students and I started picking out shapes in the clouds. It was so random, and so figurative. One student was David, who is usually a little bit of a behavior problem, but he really looks up to me a lot. The other one was Melissa, who can also be a behavior problem, but usually because she is so intelligent and bossy. The 3 of us stood staring at shapes in the sky, completely unaware of the event the rest of the class was doing. It was peaceful and very humbling... to know that these 2 students could take time out to look up at the sky and enjoy the simplicity of the shapes of clouds.

How many times do we ever do that? How many times to grown ups stop to look at the simple things in life? The shapes in the sky, the green of the grass, the breeze in the air... all the good things that we take for granted so much.

It just made me wonder... and it made me appreciate the two of them. Even though they have their moments where they can be a little overwhelming, even they can take the time out to realize that fascination can be found in what seems so insignificant.

a blast from the past, a glimpse to the future

Well, first of all, thank you, God for everything that is happening in my life right now. I truly feel like things are going in the right direction. They are moving very quickly, but still, they are going in the right direction.

I went to Greenville with Kalani and Sarah on Friday night (quick interruption to say that I LOVE those girls. I can't believe that it took me until this semester to really get to know them and appreciate them... I only hope that there are teachers like them at E. North Street... I will miss them so much!). Ironic that I made the suggestion to go. See, Kalani's boyfriend, Jesse works at the Macaroni Grill there and she really wanted him to be able to hang out with Sarah and me. Since he couldn't come up on Thursday like he had planned, I suggested that we go to Greenville to see him... yes... Greenville. The place that I trash talk so horribly during the summer and prolonged breaks... the place that I was so worried about having to move back to.

Well... All I can say is, Greenville is the ish. I can't believe how much Greenville has grown up. Just like me, it has gone from kid stuff to adult. It's so exciting... but I'll get to that in a minute.

Well, as soon as we get to Macaroni Grill, I see my friend Sarah Whipple from high school. She lives in Greenville still... and when she, my friend Mandy and me get together, we have SO much fun. So that was very uplifting. Then, the hostess comes up to me and goes, "What is your name?" I was freaked out, so I was like, "Why?" Apparently, someone at the bar knew me... IT WAS SEAN GAJDA! My very first best friend from La Petite Academy. I hadn't seen him since 8th grade... and we were like brothers. It was SO awesome to see him. We made plans to hang out this summer and once I get back to Greenville in the fall. It was so cool, 'cause he still remembers my phone number... and I still remember his. LOL. Good times... The last familiar face I saw that night was my good ol' English buddy, James Gillanders. He moved to Greenville in 7th grade. Now he is working at Macaroni Grill and has only the memory of his English accent... I couldn't believe that it was gone... how tragic that the south had taken over his dialect.

So, if that night wasn't enough, I went to Greenville again on Saturday with Kate and her Palmetto Princess, Kristen. We went to Artisphere... a street festival on Main Street. It was so awesome. I LOVE downtown Greenville. I mean, Greenville is so hella tight?! What was wrong with me being all upset about moving back?

On top of how great the place is, Kate possibly has a job there... actually, I hope she doesn't need to take it because she will win Mis South Carolina in July, but anyway... things just seem great.

All arrows are pointing to Greenville. I am so excited about being the Native Son returning home.

On top of that, my portfolio is pretty much done and I teach my final 2 lessons tomorrow and Tuesday... then the next lesson I will teach will be MY 4th grade class at East North Street Academy!

This is so awesome...

senioritis like woah

Why did I ever think that I wanted to go to grad school. I am sitting here in front of an uninspiring load of portfolio crap. I don't want to do it. I really, honestly feel like I could just turn in 5 sheets of paper with one letter on each page spelling out B-I-T-E M-E. Ugh. I hate it. I already have a job... I have already made good grades all semester... what's 20% worth of an F? LOL.

No, seriously... I'm not going to turn in 5 sheets telling the school of education what they can do to me... That would be a waste of good paper and a waste of an awesome semester at Code. I can't believe that my time there is just about up. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time there... the kids... SOME of the teachers... everything that I have learned... and you know, ironically, I have learned more life lessons and people skills than any other time in my life. It's like student teaching prepares you for stuff you could have never imagined.

But, with all that said, I'm ready to bust up outta this joint. I'm not thoroughly thrilled about going back to Greenville, but things are looking up... Deni is going to be working in Greenville, and Kacie and Lindsey are actively pursuing employment in Greenville County Schools too. As long as I have peers in the area, I should be fine.

College could not end any sooner. People are bugging me. It makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Honestly, I can't wait until the days when I have my own little classroom of about 20 kids that will have the right to act like little kids. Some of the people around here are children with high school diplomas... nothing worse than a completely educated child... that is, a person who thinks they've got it all together, but they are nothing more than a child because of their attitude.

Let me stop... This is getting me nowhere with this stupid portfolio.

OH! I go and sign my contract tomorrow! Yay for that... yeah... and I didn't mean for the last entry to be a cliffhanger... I thought it was pretty much a given that Kellett can holla back, 'cause it's all about some East North Street Academy. Haha... they are the tigers! Once a tiger, always a tiger... Go ENSA Tigers!

the week that changed my life

Well... this time last week, I was at home in Greenville preparing to go to the Greenville County Schools job fair. I had no clue that just a week later, I would pretty much have a whole new plan for my life.

The whole point of going to that job fair was NOT to actually get a job (neither was it the point of going to the picnic that was last Thursday evening). I only went to wet my feet... see what the job market was like... practice interviewing... Well, needless to say, I got my feet soaking wet, came home from the job market with something, and apparently didn't need help interviewing. Last Thursday night, I got a job offer from the principal of Cherrydale Elementary School. She interviewed me at the picnic, which was not at all the norm. She told me to come over and look at the school in the morning and then tell her whether or not I would accept the job.

Well... the next morning, I toured what was probably the most technologcally advanced elementary school in the district. It was brand new, had LCD projectors and DVD players in every room, and a state of the art computer lab. Well, I was impressed to say the least. So impressed that later that day, the day of the REAL interviews, I accepted a letter of intent from Cherrydale. I did this before my interviews, and also before truly researching Cherrydale.

Well, I interviewed with Oakview, Bethel, and East North Street Academy. The interviews went well... but I was pretty careless seeing how I already had a job. But, it was in that last interview--with East North Street Academy--that I was offered ANOTHER job. I really didn't know what to do. All I knew about East North Street was that it was in a fairly new building itself, and was a magnet school in downtown Greenville. I was interested though.

So, Icame back to Clemson highly confused. I wondered if I had done the right thing by choosing Cherrydale and if East North Street was better or worse. Well, I went to the school websites and found the school report cards. It turns out that Cherrydale's PACT scores were not very good. 49.6% of the school was below basic in math, and 41.7% was below basic in ELA. Plus, there were no advanced students in ELA, and only 0.7% of the students were advanced in math. This was not promising for me, a first year teacher. East North Street on the other hand was 13.5% advanced in math and 4.4% advanced in ELA. Only 20.4% were below basic in math and 24.7% in ELA. This was exciting because I really wanted to be at school similar to the school where I am student teaching: Code. Code's report card was 11.3% advanced in math, 22% below basic, 2.3% advanced in ELA, 20.3% below basic. The schools were very similar, and I immediately felt that I had made the wrong decision.

So, Monday, aware that not only would I have to rescind my acceptance of the job at Cherrydale, but I would also have to tell Missy I was not going to live with her and Dr. Spede that I would no longer be going to grad school, I went to visit East North Street. I loved it. I simply fell in love with the facilities, kids, faculty... everything. So, I had to call the principal of Cherrydale and say thanks but no thanks in order to accept at East North Street. I did. It was rough. But I am so glad I did.

Then, I returned to Code the next day with the news that I had been hired at East North Street. I was told by numerous teachers that someone from the Oconee County District Office had called Code to talk to me. Well, they were just a little too late. They were still late when Rev. Sloan came to Code and told me that he had a contract for me somewhere in the district, but not at Kellett or Code. Well, I was pretty sure that I was ONLY interested in Code. So, I told him no, and that I didn't want to be percieved as the "runaway teacher" as Christy and Jennifer had already started calling me. So, I thought that was it...

...Until I got a phone call after school today which beckoned me to a meeting at the district office. When I got there, there were about 8 principals sitting around a table, one of them the principal of Kellett, who was offering me a job. She, the other principals, and the director of HR tried to talk me into Oconee for about 45 minutes... they did everything from talk about how technologically advanced Kellett was to offer me a $500 signing bonus. They even handed me a contract... which is ironic because I told Rev. Sloan that Oconee dragged their feet and they missed out... so they were trying to make up for that by handing me a contract on the spot...

So, that is where I stand now. I have a job... a contract to sign for it on Tuesday afternoon in Greenville, and a contract for a 4th grade math job at Kellett sitting on my dresser. It's nice to be wanted... but a little frustrating.

And on top of that, a college student from Clemson called me Mr. Parks today. It made me feel old. Ugh.

i'm in the band... bitches

So this Will Bruce kid who obviously doesn't read very well has written a response to my last article in The Tiger... it's a little bit stupid though, seeing how he said that I and the majority of the students at Clemson don't cheer, but sit down at the football games...

Um... excuse me... I'm in the fucking band. Not only do I stand up and cheer, but for 4 years, I stood up and cheered ON THE DAMN FOOTBALL FIELD.

I thought I made that clear... I am in the band... bitches.

Now, since that is said and done, spring break is almost over. :( Who the hell am I kidding? Spring Break is over. BUT... Last night was SO awesome. We went downtown... and I had one of the best times I have had here at Clemson. We were all dancing at TD's and there were so many people... One thing that I liked a lot was the fact that there were black people AND white people. It seems like things are so segregated here in Clemson here... there are certain things that white students do, and certain things that black students do. But last night, we were all dancing together, and it was so much fun. I love my school. There is truly no place like Clemson...

...and there is nothing like being in the Clemson TIGER BAND... and supporting the Tigers in the best way I can... unlike some people who drop out for no particular reason... Oh wait a minute... there used to be a guy named Will Bruce in band... hmmm...

i love college!

These would probably be the words you'd see in some college freshman's blog around the first week of the fall semester. But no. These words are mine... a 21 year old college senior graduating in approximately 45 days. Spring break has given me the freedom that has been so long gone these past couple of months... Staying up late... taking long naps even when I'm not tired, sleeping 'til noon, driving around Clemson aimlessly (but not too much... gas is too high for that mess)... I LOVE IT. I simply adore college... the freedom... the people... the atmosphere...

And to top it off, this week's weather is fantastic! Today I hung out with Miriam and we enjoyed each other's company under the clear blue Carolina skies in the fresh Clemson sunshine. I mean, it is pure heaven.

Miriam spent the night over here last night along with KKPsi Chapter Field Representative, Adam Cantley... cool bitch, that Adam Cantley... He travels all over the nation to hobnob with the musical elite (yes... that is KKPsi bruhs, scalawags). I think the entire chapter enjoyed his company... Honestly... that is one thing I truly love about KKPsi... the fact that it has allowed me to meet people from all over the nation... it's incredible. It makes the country seem so much smaller... even though it is still red and republican...

ANYWAYS... It's Tuesday, and the week is starting to pick up speed and go by a little too quickly. Tomorrow is hump day. And I am so not ready for it. It just makes me sad. I did grade 2nd period's speed drills today... I don't even want to start on their Unit Tests... UGH. I'm gonna gave a cow.

And in other news, I haven't seen Nick in about 36 hours... and Miriam and I wrote a bad ass song today. My room is fairly clean, and Hoke better get well so we can party it up tonight. Oh yeah... and I'm broke...

Oh yes... spring break... just makes some things in life unneccessary and unimportant.

spring break '05 has arrived!

This is uber exciting. Why? Let me count the ways...

1. I GET TO SPEND 10 DAYS WITHOUT CHILDREN (and just in time too, 'cause yesterday, 2nd period about made me have a stroke)!!!

2. MY spring break, along with the other student teachers, is LONGER than all the cool college kids who have been on spring break this week. HAHA!

3. Like Kalani always says, it's more fun to do the things that everyone does when no one else is doing them. So, it will be fun to be able to go out EVERY night next week when everyone else has classes and stuff!

4. Our spring break is later in the year (LOL... one week later), so it is MORE spring than everyone elses!

(in case you haven't figured out, I'm trying to psych myself into thinking that even though the majority of my friends will not have the free time I will next week, my spring break will be fun... I am quite uncertain though)

Anyway, I do have some stuff to do during the break... Grade speed drills and tests that my classes took yesterday... I do believe that they did better on these than the ones from my unit. But, in full time teaching, I have learned that I can only do so much as the teacher. Honestly, the grade is really left up to the student. Some of my students... just... UGH! They made me so mad yesterday... like to the point of almost crying (I didn't though... there is no way I can let a bunch of little ankle biting, over hormonal nine year olds make me weep). They were taking an effing test! And they were like, "What is 12 times 4? Will you help me with this one? I don't get it? How do you do it? I don't understand?" AFTER I GAVE THEM CHANCE UPON CHANCE UPON CHANCE TO ASK WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO ASK! Before we even started the test I told them, "Okay, you have 5 minutes to ask whatever you want." While some students asked questions, others just played around and talked to whoever... these were the students that got mad at me because I wouldn't help them on their test. Even IF they had been listening, I wouldn't help them on their test. IT IS A TEST!!! Normally, I give them a little pattern block piece to turn in if they do have a question on the test. That stops after yesterday. I even gave them 2 yesterday, because I thought the test was too long. It really wasn't though... and they didn't deserve those 2 free questions. From here on out, a test means just that: that it is testing how much you listened to the teacher. Ugh, they made me so mad.

ANYWAYS... I have had the apartment to myself all week. It's been weird, yet refreshing. The funny thing is that from when I got home to when I left the next morning, I didn't speak. So like the first time I spoke the next day, it had been like 10 to 12 hours since I had said anything... lol. It was weird. I am ready for my roomies to return though. But I have had a pleasant and semi-relaxing week... if not at school, definitely at home.

I also spent a lot of time with my ed major friends... In particular, Ellen, Sarah, and Kalani. All three really awesome girls. Kalani has been so awesome though. We see eye to eye on a lot of things, and I really enjoy her company.

Well, I get to spend time with the lovely Kate Moon today... and I am SO excited. I feel like I haven't hung out with her in FOREVER. Ever since the bitch became Miss Clemson 2005, she has had no time for me... ol' skeeza! Hehe... I'm taking her to Psi formal though... and 2 weeks from tomorrow, I get to take the equally fabulous Katie Reaves to Theta formal! Yes... formals do make the spring time wonderful... even if I am not the "typical" college student...

OMG!!! DORA THE EXPLORER IS ON! I haven't watched this since this past summer!!!
(I'm such a big kid... hence my appreciation of my ungrateful and unstudious 4th graders... love the little punks)

welcome life

This blog entry is dedicated to the memory of my brother in Alpha Phi Omega, Robert Benjamin Royster.

"Royster" died Thursday, March 17 in a car accident on I-85 on his way to pick up a friend in Charlotte, North Carolina.

His death is the first sudden death of a friend my age that I have ever had to deal with. In dealing with this, I have been completely and utterly torn up by the whole situation.

I may appear okay, and at some times, I may even appear nonchalant or empathetic. This is hardly the case. Strangely, the whole thing has yet to fully sink in with me.

I heard the news as I was sitting in TD's Thursday night with Kalani and Sarah venting about our experiences in the classroom when I saw Joe, one of my other APO brothers... I gave him the usual, "Hey, what's up?" accompanied by the high five/handshake thing. Then he said, "Have you heard the news?" Well, when someone says this and doesn't say "the bad news," I immediately think something great has happened. That wasn't the case...

"Royster died today."

Honestly, I took him as kidding. I mean, Royster was young, healthy, a good guy, he would be the last person on earth that I would have expected to die. So I said, "You're kidding, right?"

"No. I wish I was."

And you know... it didn't even fully hit me then. Nor did it hit me when I went to the APO lounge and saw all my brothers crying and all the people who had been touched in some way by Royster. Really, I am just realizing it now... reliving the whole thing.

Who at age 20, just weeks away from turning 21, who is healthy, intelligent, friendly, and fun loving just... DIES? It's something that is so difficult for me to understand. And the other thing... out of the hundreds of times that we drive in our cars on I-85, why that time did it have to be fatal for him? I mean, these questions... I can't understand. And this leads me to another question... If death is so "fair," meaning that any and everyone is succeptible to it at any given point of time, why did it have to choose him? Why not someone else? Why not me?

I just don't get it. Just weeks ago, he was playing his trumpet in pep band... just weeks ago, he was giving a service report to the chapter... just weeks ago, he was in my apartment just hanging out and having a good time... and the thing that blows my mind is that NO ONE in the world knew that on March 17, he would cease to exist. It was so abrupt. We couldn't plan on it. I mean, as terrible as it sounds, I wish that there was a way that he could have warned us, you know? Like, "Hey guys, after March 17, I'm not gonna be around anymore." It was so quick. It's like, he went somewhere, and has just decided to never come back... it's easier to look at it that way, because that is a more likely situation... who would have expected him to just DIE?

I don't know... I mean, I honestly don't. For the past 3 days, I have been pinching my self... kinda saying, this can't be true... thinking of the situation and telling myself, maybe there is some way that Royster is still alive. I mean, he just can't be gone.

The accident apparently resulted in the car catching on fire and burning Royster's body so badly that they couldn't recognize him... the only way they knew it was him is because of his ID which was found near the site. So, I look at this and say to myself, maybe he got out alive... maybe he is wandering around Cherokee County in a state of shock from the accident...

...I wanna believe these theories, but it's not likely.

So, in conceding the the fact that Royster is no longer physically here, I have come to learn many many things. First of all, driving fast is not safe... it's fatal. On Royster's thefacebook profile, one of his interests was driving fast. One of his favorite movies was Gone in 60 Seconds. The boy liked speed... and ultimately, going 85 in a 65 was his fatal flaw. I cannot let his death have been in vain. If anything has happened from his death, it has made me a more aware and cautious driver. Also, I have learned to appreciate EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON in my life. EVERYONE. From the douchebags, to my best friends. We are all here on this earth together, and we are all succeptible to the same tragedy that has befallen Royster. Life is not guaranteed, by ANY means. We can truly be here one day and gone the next... and right now, it is hard to even look forward because I am in fear of my life and my friends' just because of this accident. But I know that everything is in God's hands... and in times like these and all the time, faith is what should help us keep going and keep us from worrying about our fate.

Lastly, I have learned to welcome life. This statement was said several times by one of the grief counselors that was in the lounge on Thursday night. We went through this intense exercise where we meditated on the memory of Royster and tried to come to a stable place about his death. She kept saying, "Welcome life" when we would take deep breaths in. You know... we take our breath for granted. We truly do. It is life, and it keeps us living... plain and simple. Royster, rest his soul, doesn't have the privilege of breath right now. And for us to take advantage of the life that we have is showing that his death--the death of someone so similar to me and all my peers--is insignificant. It could have been anyone. But it was him... it wasn't me. It wasn't anyone in my family. But it was a significant life.

Please... on behalf of Royster... welcome life.

Robert Benjamin Royster

April 26, 1984 - March 17, 2005
"A Leader, A Friend, A Servant"

can you keep up?

No.

LOL. Oh, Destiny's Child... I didn't know you were talking about me when you sang, "Lose My Breath." Unfortunately, I have not been doing well with the bloggity blog blog... The likes of Hoke Smith Heezy the Threezy and J-Skeezy are creepin' up on my sh*t! LOL. Glad to see y'all back in the blog game, Hoke and Jenee. For a while, my blog was the most fabulous thing on the block. J/K

I have been pretty tragic lately... regarding to the lack of entries and the content of entries... my bad. LOL. It's bound to get better. Next week marks the decent of student teaching. I have climaxed to my full 2 weeks, and starting next week, I will give things back to Mrs. Stephens. Ha... I'm actually excited. It's been fun, but days like today, when several little knuckleheads decided to be a royal pain in the rear makes me look forward to the forthcoming days of April that will bring Springtime and not so much ME in front of the class.

That leads me to the big news... I have decided to continue my education and go to grad school here at Clemson. I will be putting off getting a job for a little while. I have decided this for several reasons... Just recently, I have decided there are some loose ends I need to tie up here in college. I'm not ready to go. I haven't completely grown up yet. And besides... I didn't go on a bowl trip this past year... DANG! I deserve a full paid band trip to an exotic place with lots of per diem before I leave this joint. Also, there are lots of other things that I haven't done appropriately and things I just haven't done at all that I need to do before I leave. I need to be nicer as a whole (like I was my freshman and sophomore years) and discover a life outside of KKPsi. I know that second thing sounds bad, but I have striven for the highest... and on May 13, I will reach that high and bright shining star in the sky as I walk across the stage to get my diploma....

When I come back for grad school, I plan on devoting time to my second fraternity, which I just joined in the fall... Alpha Phi Omega. I feel that student teaching this semester has taken me a little away from it... as well as KKPsi... however, I have looked at this as my last year of many in Psi, so I am trying to be as active as possible... yet and still, it's not enough to a lot of the brothers... go figure. No one can really understand another's situation until they have lived it, so I can't hold that against them.

Speaking of my dear Psi brothers... I just got back from having dinner with one of them. I went to eat with Abe. We had issues to deal with... and after that, I have learned SO much about him, and come to appreciate him as the great brother that he is that I have been do blind and shallow to see. Creating a good relationship with him is one of the things that I plan on doing next year that I didn't get to do these first 3 years he has been here... and that has been all my fault. I want to apologize to Abe in front of God and the entire internet community. I was an asshole... plain and simple. I respect you so much Abe, and I am simply glad that you have not been as douchy as I have been to you.

I belive that's it for now... MAP testing tomorrow, so no testing... it's 8:30 and I have nothing to do and nothing to prepare for? Shall I look for some trouble??? Hmmm???

song of the moment...

I don't normally do this... but... song of the moment... a close second to Barren Land.
From the independent film, Camp.

Here in the dark
I stand before you
Knowing this is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start
This is the start

I have so much to say and I'm hopin'
That your arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am, I'm what you see

You said I had to change and I was tryin'
But my heart was lyin'
I'm not a child any longer
I am stronger

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Help me to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm movin' now

In this life we've come so far
But we're only who we are
With the courage of love
To show us the way
We've got the power to stand up and say

Here's where I stand
Here's where I am
Stand up and be counted, I'm counting on you
If you're with me
We'll make it through

Here's where I stand
Here's who I am
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
Here's where I stand
Baby, baby, baby I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, love me, love me and we'll make it through
I'm counting
I'm counting
I'm counting, I'm counting on you

barrenness, part ii...

...TARIK.

The bitch was the biggest cock blocker ever last night. It's okay. I kinda expected it... But then again, that doesn't exactly make it okay. Oh well. Whatever...

So. besides a land with no fields and fruit that grow, there is now a road that runs through this barren land with a fork... One road leads to graduate school, and the other road leads to work. Just another bit of stress to add to this barrenness. It would help maybe if down one road I could see lush fields of overflow... but alas... no.

I have people coming at me from TONS of different directions. I've got tons of people telling me to go work... that if I wait 'til after grad school, I won't get a job as easily. I have people telling me that in the situation that I am in now, I will get a job with the quickness. I have people even telling me that it is a possibilty that I can get a job at Code.

Well, that's all well and good, but recently at Code, a racist bitch has been bothering my spirit. No, this is not speculation, or just irrational inference. The bitch is racist... and I really makes me uncomfortable... No, I'm not scared of her... frankly, everything about me is better than her. She's not even 30 and graying already... tragedy. But anyway, she is at the school like everyday... and not even a teacher. But she makes my life suck. But that's okay... these next 2 weeks at Code, it's MY classroom COMPLETELY. That bitch better not expect to get anything over on me.

But besides that, there are other reasons that I don't want to stay in the classroom after student teaching... Grad school now would be free... I'd get one more year with a lot of my friends... when I get done with grad school, I'll be worth so much more.

I dunno. I don't like having to make life altering decisions...

...but the mere fact that I get to choose between a job and practically free grad school means I'm better than a lot of people. At least I don't have to choose between going home to mooch off of my parents with no job or going to work at a store in the mall as a salesperson after 4 years of majoring in something completely unrelated.

...hmm. I guess that is a little bit of "life and fruit and fields that grow" right there...

barrenness

It would seem to just about any person that keeps up with this blog (which has tragically become something to fill the time when I am not sleeping or doing something for school) that I tend to go through catch phrases. Some of them are (in random order):

It shall come to pass...
I rule.
If I were like thee, I'd throw away myself.
To him that o'ercometh...
I've been waiting on my own too long.
Isn't it obvious?
Don't change your plans for anyone.
Where there is faith...
...yadda yadda yadda.

All of these but 2 are song lyrics. This rut that I'm in right now is no different from any other. Once again, there is a song that has been speaking to me. This song really works for this particular situation. Sadly enough, whenever it's melody is in my mind or words are on my lips, I tend to get a little emotional.

The song is Barren Land by Shane Barnard and Shane Everett. It's pretty much in my mind whenever I'm not at school or doing something productive... which means that from about 4 pm until 7:30 am the next morning, it is haunting my spirit. Thankfully, it is a song of hope... and in it, I find hope. It starts out "Barren land can overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow." Then, as like a resolve to the opening statement, at the end of the chorus, it says "And barren land WILL overflow with life and fruit and fields that grow."

To these precious lyrics, I simply say, "please overflow." It's like I am the barren land... a land that for so long has been void of any life or prosper... for so long, there has been no rain, or hardly even hope for it. The song also says, "But if for rain to fall irresistably call... But if for rain to heal uncontrollably fill..."

I try to tell myself that rain is coming. But I don't really know. Most of the time, I have pretty strong faith, you know... but, this time, I'm kinda in the dark... or in the draught, in terms of this song. I know that the song says "barren land WILL overflow," but all I can do is hope that it will.

So often, I really feel alone. Like REALLY alone. Yes, I have lots of friends... and several close friends... maybe about 4 best friends. But sometimes, when I'm driving back from a meeting, or just alone by myself and I'm like, I need to talk to someone... there is NO ONE that I can think of that I really want to go to about EVERYTHING. I kinda feel like I'm gonna get judged regardless.

But I mean, I guess why the blog is here... and Shane and Shane produced that wonderful ballad. It's how you live in barrenness, I suppose.

all is fair...

Well, Ben Folds says it best when in his song "Fair," he says, "Am I right? Am I right? I'm lonely and I'm right."

Well, I'm right. It has finally happened. I knew it was going to come sooner or later. ALL of my closest friends... ALL are now in some quasi-relationship type thing. All my roommates... Jenee, Jack, Missy, Hoke, Kate... all stung by the little love bee.

You guys have fun with all that...

"I'm lonely and I'm right."

survived, surviving

Well, I survived February 14... and a whole week and a half after that. Yeah, haven't really taken the time to blog lately... and I've actually had the time too. I have just been lazy. Not too much of anything going on. Teaching is great... having a blast... REALLY enjoying my kids. Yesterday I did the C-walk with a couple of them. They are so much fun. I really do think I have become "the cool teacher." I like it. They like me. Go me.

As for life outside of Code Elementary, things are just so-so. Not too much going on. I don't hate people as much as I did. Actually, I'm not really upset with anyone. Good job, people. Keep up the good work. Actually, it's almost a little too quiet around here... hmmm... Oh well. I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Kate won Miss Clemson and is going to the Miss South Carolina Pageant. That was last weeks exciting news... oh, and the fact that Nick is no longer single... This news has Patrick and I both stuck in a rut in 101 A... but pleasantly blessed with our own bathrooms. Come midnight tonight, it will be 48 hours since I have seen Nick. That's what happens when you start dating someone, isn't it? No offense to Nick or anything... he deserves it. But some people just let the whole dating thing go to their head... tossing aside friends and other relationships that were once meaningful.

But then, they expect us sad and lowly single people to just jump at their beckoning call when the bf or gf is not around. I mean, I guess we should be priviliged to have these coupled individuals call on us at any given time... we should drop everything, including the friends who have been there even while the douchebaggy-in-love pseudo-friends are off gallavanting with their schnookie poo...

...sorry. I didn't mean to go off like that. I am a little bitter. Not for any particular reason. Just the fact that a coupled individual is so close to home (hell, he's in my home) kinda puts things into perspective. Nick... and Jenee and Jack... I wish you a fairwell as you travel into the land of "Who Needs Friends When You Have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend." Please be sure to write... or at least call when your bf/gf is out of town.

Like I said, I'm not bitter.

I'm ready to graduate... ready to be on my own... ready to see whats on the other side of a degree...

So far, it looks like it's gonna be 9 year olds and middle aged women abound. Did I mention how much I can't stand the banter of 40-something women? And they probably aren't even 40-something... probably just 30-something... but I know it would piss them off if I said 40, so I'm gonna say it.

I've learned, in student teaching, that the problem is not the students. Lots of times it's your fellow employees. Just like in high school and college, there are people who aren't nice, who don't smile, who talk about you behind your back, who think their shit don't stink. NEWS FLASH: It doesn't ever change.

So... a message to all the people I know who are trying to make certain things in college SO ridiculously crazy-go-nuts serious, lighten up. People screw up and screw around all the time... shoot, half of you crazy-go-nuts serious people ARE screw ups... and you stay that way. And that is why meetings will always be interrupted... things will always be forgotten... people will never be perfectly happy... the work day will never be flawless... and life will end and you won't have gotten to do what you really wanted to do...

This journal entry is dedicated to everyone who has been subtly or not so subtly mentioned: You make my life just a little more interesting... you really do. While this has sounded really bitter and pessimistic, I'm not mad... I'm just surviving.

singing aloud

I am the only one at the apartment right now... actually, I haven't seen my roommates all day. It's okay though. They are incuded in the group of 7 people that I don't want to strangle... I still like them. But I am also enjoying the company of musicians that can speak to my soul with their music.

While some people enkoy walking around naked, or pigging out in vast quantities of food when no one else is watching, I enjoy turning the music up way loud and singing at the top of my lungs. I know it's weird... but that's just what I enjoy. I am sure I am going to LOVE that aspect of living on my own.

The Beach Boys' God Only Knows.
Point of Grace's The Great Divide.
Shane and Shane's Barren Land.
Mandalay's Deep Love.
Nelly Furtado's On the Radio.
David Gray's This Year's Love.
Ben Folds Five's Selfless, Cold, and Composed.
Clay Aiken's Solitaire.
S Club 7's Never Had a Dream Come True.

All this music has spoken to me in so many ways tonight... This is the way I am when no one is around... when no one is watching or listening... This is the real me. Thoughtful, pensive, meditative, introspective...

I know a lot of times, I seem ridiculously opinionated... possibly to the point that I come across as a punk. But you know what? Every punk has a soft side. And you know what... even the people I throroughly don't care for very much... they have a soft side too. I can appreciate that (but their punkiness outweighs their softness). In the midst of being pissed off at people, confused as to where life will take me next, and possibly more alone than I have ever felt, I find comfort in evenings like this...

I came home from school... slept until quarter to 8... ran to get some fast food... brought it back and watched Marisa kiss another chick on The OC... got nausiated watching the worse show on Nick at Nite (Full House)... and then started listening to my blissful music.

It was simple... low stress... involved no human life forms other than my own, the people at Hardee's and the people on TV. I liked it... I'm okay with it.

People annoy me sometimes. A lot of times. What can I say? I'm an elitest asshole. I like things to be a certain way... and when individuals who are supposed to be grown or have a little sense just do stupid, thoughtless, insensitive things, I feel as if I would rather not associate with them. Yeah, I know I just went from softy back to jerk state, but I don't care.

It's time to grow up and truly start thinking wisely instead of just off the cuff.

Nights of singing along to loud sweet music inspire me to think wisely.

"...the precious gift of music."

lemme tell you what it's like...

Yep. It's been a good long while... 2 weeks to be exact. Lots has happened.

Luckily, I'm over my illness... that was horrible. I go to the doctor tomorrow to discuss my retarded kidneys.

I'm just about sick of all but like 7 of my friends. If it's not one person tryin' to be grown, it's another person being two faced. It's okay, though, 'cause I do like the company of my 4th graders WAY more than the company of most of my friends. I mean, I do spend the most time with them anyway...

I really like the other teachers at Code too... who am I kidding? I LOVE CODE! I seriously do... so much that at the Oconee County job fair this past weekend, I let it be known that I would LOVE to get a job at Code. Seriously... I am definitely willing to forego grad school altogether to get a job at Code NOW. It's a really tough decision... and it looks like I'm gonna have to make it before too long. Rumor has it that I am beding highly considered for Code. I would seriously love it... but do I go to grad school??? Full time, or part time??? If I do work, do I work at Code?

My mom wants me to come home to work so I can save money. To me, that is out of the question. To be on my own for 4 years and then go home? That sounds absolutely ridiculous. Everything will fall into place... I just know it.

In other news, readers of the Tiger really don't like me... HAHA... this time it's some stupid English 103 "teachers." They really aren't teachers at all... just grad assistants doing a bad example of teaching so they can pay for grad school. They told me that the comments I said in my last article about the stupidity of one of their assignments were unprofessional and invalid...

Well, I found out this evening from Bobby that HIS 103 teacher (a real teacher, mind you), passed out my article to show that it was a good example of an argumenative essay. Even though those 3 professional communication major whores talked about how bad of an essay it was, that dude saw how great it was... and it had to have been half way decent to stir such emotions within them.

I think that's all I needed to write... to catch y'all up, you know. Even though I'm usually not busy at all at night, I find it difficult to find a time and stable enough mind to write in here. Oh well... I will try to do better, but I'll make no promises.

Oh, and by the way, I'm lonely... just thought I'd throw that in there...